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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About OH & money

251 replies

Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 01:09

Right il try keep this brief ... I live with my OH in his house it’s all in his name ... I basically just give him £200pm towards bills and get all our food with is about £250pm. I earn £800 pm ... he pays everything else. I also have a few thousand in a savings account I put away for my DD (4) for our future / house / emergencies.. Now my OH is most likely going to be made redundant shortly.. he earns a lot more than me prob 3 times what I do ... he manages to spend all his money every month rarely puts anything by he does hav a lot of outgoings but could always save something but rarely does ... he said if he gets made redundant I may need to help out more with bills ... am I being unreasonable to say no? I really worked hard to save & went without a lot & several times in the past iv lent / bailed him out (on top of what I help out with bills) and he always struggles to budget to pay me back so in the end I feel bad and say don’t worry. Wev had words tonight as he said I’m not being supportive & he puts a roof over my & my DDs head .. just feel stuck between a rock & a hard place :(

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 24/05/2019 11:11

If she didn't have him she would be entitled to tax credits so maybe better off living alone it's easier to trust yourself than others

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 11:37

BrendasUmbrella

He isn’t the money pit, is he? He works, pays a mortgage and the lion’s share of bills so his partner for whose child he is not responsible can work part time. Hmm

deydododatdodontdeydo · 24/05/2019 11:40

he has proved to be no good with money

Has he? £2,400 when you're paying a mortgage, running a car, most of the bills and child maintenance, etc. isn't a fortune.
I'd be surprised if he had much left.

fedup21 · 24/05/2019 11:47

I would imagine he keeps running out of money because she pays f* all!

OP, have you answered where else you could live for £200 a month?!

Cloudyapples · 24/05/2019 11:54

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable op - those savings are your safety net. What happens if you use them and then the relationship ends anyway and you have nothing. If he is being made redundant won’t he get a pay out? And then that should cover the time he is out of work for?

Pinkvoid · 24/05/2019 11:55

You are in an extremely precarious situation and in turn, have placed your DD in one too.

You aren’t on the mortgage and are unmarried so you have no legal right to reside in his home. If you break up, he has every right to boot you and DD out rendering you homeless. You need to think carefully about this OP.

If I were in your position I’d be considering using a chunk of the savings to put a deposit down on my own place. I’d then claim UC for the time being but eventually up my hours at work when DD went FT at school (she’s four so assuming this will be September).

Currently you are shelling out over half of your income on someone else’s mortgage. Yes, renting is a similar situation however at least with a rented property you have some legal rights to live there. Here you have none.

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2019 11:56

Op, why should he continue to subsidise you and your child?

I think you're relationship is for ending. He won't forget this and you're just free loading and don't want to step up to help him out when it comes down to it,

Maybe you need to find someone else to let you live in their home without paying rent? Got a list of folks who are gagging to financially support you?

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 11:57

Cloudyapples

His redundancy payment will be his safety net, won’t it?

Original poster
Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 11:58

I used to live family and he asked me to move in & said was happy with contributions. I did get help with tax credits & I have lived on my own before so I know what is costs to run a house... I shouldn’t hav broken down food then ... when I say food I mean everything else including household bits ... maybe I should just give him full £450 and then we’ll both have to sort out own food out.. I do buy it cook it and make sure he has food for work etc.. in all fairness I could feed me & DD for about £20 a week I’m less picky than he is the whole shop is done around him so he’s got food he likes but I know he buys more on top. Look I’m not a nasty person or a user I’m only concerned that my daughter relies on me I just want to make sure I can give her all I can that’s all.. it’s not to spend on myself or I could have easily already done that :(

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 11:59

Anonymous3286

We get it, OP. You want to keep your money. Just don’t expect others to tell you you’re being fair, because you’re not.

Alsohuman · 24/05/2019 12:00

Show me how to feed an adult and a growing child on £20 a week and l’ll concede you can work miracles.

Original poster
Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 12:05

Quite easily if u look for bargains? But anyways uv all decided on the few details iv mentioned that I’m in the wrong for protecting my dd future. So like I say il leave it there. I can’t expect anyone on here to know all the ins and outs of everything going on in my world. I’m glad iv got lots of nice friends and family who care as well and know more xx

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 12:07

Anonymous3286

What a pointless exercise, then. You post, withholding what you believe to be the information that would change all of our minds, then complain that we don’t agree with you. Confused

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 12:08

Quite easily if u look for bargains?

Which you clearly do, because your rent is the biggest bargain I ever heard of.

mummmy2017 · 24/05/2019 12:08

But if your in a relationship, would you not want to help your partner.

Passthecherrycoke · 24/05/2019 12:09

You can’t feed an adult and child on £20 a week- maybe 20 years ago but food inflation has been insane. If it was that easy you’d do it now wouldn’t you?

I agree OP I think you’re massively underestimating how much life costs Him, and somehow view it as being bad with money. I couldn’t come close to living on what he does. You earn very little, it wouldn’t get you much at all without his subsidy.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 24/05/2019 12:14

Honestly, why on earth did you post?

Original poster
Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 12:20

Well I asked if I was being unreasonable and mostly people have said yes.. so Thanku for the general consensus it has made me think about things in another way so I am grateful for that. I just did things differently when I was alone & ran my own house. Hence I saved. I don’t want to break down every single bill we have I just mentioned our actual household ones & separately we other have other bills. I wasn’t asking everyone to agree or feel sorry for me... like I say I have family & friends that know more & I can confide in them

OP posts:
fedup21 · 24/05/2019 12:34

I just did things differently when I was alone & ran my own house. Hence I saved.

I find it very difficult to believe that someone who has lived alone, running their own house, thinks it’s acceptable to move into someone else’s house and only pay £200.

I just can’t see how you feel that this is fair and you aren’t a total piss taker!?

fedup21 · 24/05/2019 12:34

I don’t want to break down every single bill we have

Just providing us with the rent/mortgage would have been a start!

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 12:37

I don’t want to break down every single bill we have

I’m not sure you need to. You’ve told us what you pay him. Your other bills aren’t really the point, unless they are his bills, too.

Motherof3feminists · 24/05/2019 12:43

@Anonymous3286 try again in relationships as AIBU will mainly just bash you rather than offering advice. I see this as a relationship issue and there are lots of experienced and helpful posters on the relationships board that might offer a different and helpful perspective.

Original poster
Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 12:47

Ok ...

These are joint bills..

Mortgage £530
Council tax £140
Water £40
Elec / gas £80
Internet £40
Tv licence £12
Food £250

Total £1092

All our other bills are separate & we pay our own ie phones & cars etc ..

Maybe we should add them all together and split is half and pay £546 each then?

I can find another £100 a month? I can do that x

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 12:49

I bet you can.

Passthecherrycoke · 24/05/2019 12:55

He doesn’t have a job though so where does he get £546 from? You’ve listed the absolute bare minimum too, what about service charge, home improvements, travel, holidays, Christmas, etc