About OH & money

[Anonymous3286]

Right il try keep this brief ... I live with my OH in his house it’s all in his name ... I basically just give him £200pm towards bills and get all our food with is about £250pm. I earn £800 pm ... he pays everything else. I also have a few thousand in a savings account I put away for my DD (4) for our future / house / emergencies.. Now my OH is most likely going to be made redundant shortly.. he earns a lot more than me prob 3 times what I do ... he manages to spend all his money every month rarely puts anything by he does hav a lot of outgoings but could always save something but rarely does ... he said if he gets made redundant I may need to help out more with bills ... am I being unreasonable to say no? I really worked hard to save & went without a lot & several times in the past iv lent / bailed him out (on top of what I help out with bills) and he always struggles to budget to pay me back so in the end I feel bad and say don’t worry. Wev had words tonight as he said I’m not being supportive & he puts a roof over my & my DDs head .. just feel stuck between a rock & a hard place :(

You're not a sponger, but if you see yourself as a partnership when one struggles the other has to step up. That's just how it works. So perhaps he look after your child while you work more until he gets another job etc. Do you get maintenance for your child?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Exactly. As a single adult in full time work I could feed myself for about £35 a week. The food bill is only £250 because the OP and her DD need to eat, and the other bills would be hugely reduced for a single male. I really don’t think the OP is appreciating how much of an easy ride she has had with a man who has housed her and her DD, enabling her to work part-time to care for someone else’s child. Sounds like a nice bloke.

OP it's irrelevant he has no savings.

But you're failing to see that you have savings because he has been subsidising you and your DD. Can you not see that?

You do sound like a sponger and like you don’t even like him.

Given you don’t want to take the rough with the smooth and help out temporarily it sounds like your relationship will break down.

Move out and claim whatever benefits you’re entitled too... hint you’re going to be in a worse situation.

Then he can get a lodger which will make a much bigger contribution to his household fun.

Presumably you also receive

Oops ... receive maintenance from your child's father, so your income is actually higher than you've presented here.

Lol he’d have to pay bills regardless of not if I was there? Yes slightly less if I wasnt .. I would spent a hell of a lot less on food as well? & yes I do get maintenance towards my daughter. I do a lot of other things.. sounds like part time wage but I still do work a lot ... I would list them but I bored of trying to defend my worth. I contribute what I can & also have lent / given him lots of other money. The money I had saved was before I met him not due to me saving now as I can’t afford to put much by now

It's useful to breakdown all finances because at the moment you are resentful of him because you think he should be saving more. Whereas I suspect if you did a full budget you would be surprised how little he might have left over, especially if he's paying child maintenance.
I know you said you went through his budget a while ago, but did you really include everything? If he's a homeowner then it's easy for chunks of money to just "vanish" on home maintenance, for example. Do you know what he actually spends the money you think he should be saving on?
With a 4 year old you'll get 30 hours a week childcare. That won't cover you working for a full time job, but it will cover a chunk.

YABU.

He's been subsidising you and your DD, you've been living in the cheap and able to save on a fairly low income due to this, but you don't want to help and support your OH at a difficult time. You sound like you've been taking him for granted.

I don't think it makes any difference what he's been spending his spare money on.

Anonymous3286

He would be paying single occupancy council tax, no baths or showers for a woman or toddler, nobody home during the day to use appliances, no replacements for household items/wear and tear, no washing for a child and an adult woman - the list is endless.

You get CM and didn’t think it was worth mentioning?

How many hours do you work?

I have never read anything like this in my life. I want to get this bloke on POF now.

"Lol he’d have to pay bills regardless of not if I was there"

Ah that old chestnut.

Are you a family?

If so of course you should help each other out. You chose not to take any money from him when he offered.

If you lost your job what would YOU expect? To be kicked out?

If you aren’t a family then what’s the point? You said you don’t trust him financially so why are you there with your child?

You sound childish and naive. You have a pre-school aged child but are already living with and dependent on a man who isn’t her father yet expect to not work full time or pay your way or step up with your partner needs help.

Either you are partners and you share with each other and support each other, or you’re not in which case you are taking advantage.

It doesn't sound like you gave a future together. You don't trust him financially or want to help him .

Moving out is your only real option.

he’d have to pay bills regardless of not if I was there

Is that the logic behind the token gesture of £200. He'd have bills anyway so why should you pay more?

Maybe if you think you work a lot and contribute a lot (unless under min wage it's not tha mny hurs) you could go and live elsewhere so he can reduce his bills throughout redundancy and take in a lodger.

Suspect if it were you losing your job he's have to pay everything as after all he would have bills regardless....

I haven’t included every detail of our lives on here.. it would take too long.. I haven’t once said I’m ungrateful for what he was done for me & my dd. & if I shared every detail maybe u would see things also from my point of view as well. But I actually didn’t want to paint a really bad picture of him. Anyways il leave it there cos it’s clear I’m being used as a punchbag for other issues people have that Aren’t my concern. Thank you for advice on both sides .. that’s all I was really looking for :)

If, between you, your savings are less than £16,000, you'll be entitled to some Universal Credit. Make a claim the day after he gets his final payment from work.

On your income alone, and assuming total savings are under £6,000, I reckon you should be entitled to £400-500 month. This money can go to pay the bills.

If he has savings, or gets redundancy, he should use that money to pay down any cards etc that he has, which will reduce his outgoings. (Actually, if his credit's good he could do a balance transfer to a 0% card, which would mean that his repayments are actually reducing the debt, not just covering interest.)

Why aren't you getting any maintenance from your child's father? He has a responsibility here and it sounds like he's not meeting it. Start the process of getting some money off him!

Overall though, I think YABU. He's been subsidising you and your child and now his financial position has changed, you don't want to do the same for him. I'm afraid your posts have a slight undertone of your DP being a meal ticket.

I sound like I have been really harsh here and I don’t mean to be. I just think this is all a bit deluded, like the OP thinks she and her OH are contributing equally to raise a child, when actually the child isn’t his and he is supporting her. Not a great situation to be a single mum with no tenancy agreement or savings (which is what she would be if she did the right thing), but seeing as she could be literally homeless otherwise, it seems to be the lesser of two evils.

You sound childish and naive. You have a pre-school aged child but are already living with and dependent on a man who isn’t her father yet expect to not work full time or pay your way or step up with your partner needs help.

This. Either you're not telling the whole story or are just unwilling to listen to opinions however.

You keep calling him “This person”. You surely can see why people think you don’t like him too much?

This is just my opinion but you sound a bit angry that he’s going to cause you to have a bit of inconvenience, whether you stay or leave you will have to use your savings,

Is he spending the money on drugs, OP? That sounds like the only reason you would be so circumspect about the “wasted” money. But if that is the case, move to your parents and get your DD out of there.

Tell himcyour willing to help, but as he knows he is losing his job and not good with money, you want him to agree budgeting plan with you .
Both of you will plan to spend all monies you get in as wages , place in a joint billing account and have minimal spends till he is in another job..
You need to show you are in this as a couple..... You can't just expect him to pay it all,but equally you can't say you won't pay.

I'm struggling with your financials to be honest

You say the joint cost that you put towards bills is £1100 (you £450 and him £650) including £250 a month on food? If you take out the food element then that's £850 You are putting in the pot towards bills?

£500 mortgage
£150 council tax
£150 water/electric/gas
£30 house insurance
£100 sky / bt / tv licence
So that's £930!
Then say £200 a month on car loan / insurance / tax / fuel - could be less or could be a lot more!
Then child maintenance on top of that??
And the little other bills he pays like his mobile phone or Netflix or a house hold repair or maybe paying off a holiday you had? Or credit card debt (let's be honest we all have one)

And I've been pretty conservative on the bills above - I don't know anyone who only pays £500 mortgage a month!

So actually he does have a lot less left at the end of the month than you imagine him to??

How long has he been in his current job? How much redundancy pay will he get?

Why would you need to bail him out? Surely he can use redundancy pay as a cushion until he gets another job?

The money I had saved was before I met him not due to me saving now as I can’t afford to put much by now

You’d have a lot less if you were living alone now! Can you not see how much he’s saving you by keeping you and your child for £200 a month??

Saying he’d pay most of his bills if you were there is hardly the point! What would YOU have to pay if you moved out?

If I were him, I would feel really let down by your attitude and tell you to go and spend your acting’s on rent elsewhere.