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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About OH & money

251 replies

Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 01:09

Right il try keep this brief ... I live with my OH in his house it’s all in his name ... I basically just give him £200pm towards bills and get all our food with is about £250pm. I earn £800 pm ... he pays everything else. I also have a few thousand in a savings account I put away for my DD (4) for our future / house / emergencies.. Now my OH is most likely going to be made redundant shortly.. he earns a lot more than me prob 3 times what I do ... he manages to spend all his money every month rarely puts anything by he does hav a lot of outgoings but could always save something but rarely does ... he said if he gets made redundant I may need to help out more with bills ... am I being unreasonable to say no? I really worked hard to save & went without a lot & several times in the past iv lent / bailed him out (on top of what I help out with bills) and he always struggles to budget to pay me back so in the end I feel bad and say don’t worry. Wev had words tonight as he said I’m not being supportive & he puts a roof over my & my DDs head .. just feel stuck between a rock & a hard place :(

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 24/05/2019 09:40

Poor bloody man. Talk about abusing good nature. Try finding somewhere else to live for £450 a month, OP. Good luck with it.

LakieLady · 24/05/2019 09:47

If I were him, I would feel really let down by your attitude and tell you to go and spend your acting’s on rent elsewhere

I would actually feel terribly hurt. To think that I had enabled my partner and their child to live so cheaply that they could afford to work very part-time, and then for them to refuse to use their savings to cover the bills when I lost my job would really upset.

For me, it wouldn't be about the money, but it would be clear that despite supporting them financially, my partner did not regard us as a family or love and respect me enough to cover a small part of my loss of income.

If someone came on here and said that their male partner was refusing to dip into savings to cover bills in the event of redundancy, the partner would be called a cocklodger and the OP would be told to chuck him out.

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 09:48

LakieLady

Add a child into the mix as well! Imagine.

Motherof3feminists · 24/05/2019 09:54

@Anonymous3286 I'd ask for this to be moved over to relationships.

Whilst OP is getting a good deal, she has also stated several times that despite being on a lower wage, she has helped him out financially in several occasions.

Her savings are her security as she has none in this arrangement.

I agree that paying more towards bills is fair but not for her to use her savings because he hasn't bothered to save anything. She even told him to save the money he owed her instead of paying it back but he hasn't and now want her to help out again.

If he didn't know about the savings he wouldn't be asking her.

AhNowTed · 24/05/2019 09:56

@LakieLady

Here is a very good example of that exact scenario

MY partner is so tight with money is this normal www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3586713-MY-partner-is-so-tight-with-money-is-this-normal

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 09:56

Her savings are her security as she has none in this arrangement.

But the desire for security does not give you the right to live at someone else’s expense. Yes, it isn’t great that she will have to pay living costs with her savings from a practical standpoint, but morally (and practically, as otherwise she will be homeless) it’s the only thing to do here.

Monkeyssplit · 24/05/2019 10:00

He has supported you by paying most of the bills because he had more money than you. Very nice of him. Now he will have no money for a bit you are not willing to share the savings you have with him. Charming.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 24/05/2019 10:01

Ah, OP hasn't got the answer she wanted so left in a strop.
You're a cocklodger, OP. Except you're a woman, so something else.
And a cheeky fucker to boot.

fedup21 · 24/05/2019 10:02

Whilst OP is getting a good deal, she has also stated several times that despite being on a lower wage, she has helped him out financially in several occasions.

He has probably only needed help because he is supporting an extra two people. OP pays less to him than I did in rent in a shared house as a student twenty years ago -let alone all the bills! I just can’t get over how entitled the OP is being.

Have you ever lived on your own, OP? You seem to have no idea of the cost of bills and how much he’s been supporting you!

You want to protect your savings whilst letting him spend his money on you.

BrendasUmbrella · 24/05/2019 10:13

I think you should protect the savings you have now, you're right to want to protect your daughter's future, but agree to contribute more to cover the mortgage and bills for a couple of months while he gets sorted. (Don't give him cash. Pay by card. If you give him cash he may not spend it on bills.) And economize on the food bills. £250 a month for two adults and a child is quite a lot. Switch to own brands. If he doesn't like that, it's more incentive to get another job.

Yes he's irresponsible to not have savings. And no you have no stake in the house. But he's your partner. You'd struggle to find a place to rent for £450 a month including your food.

Nearlythere1 · 24/05/2019 10:16

This is the same situation as another thread recently. The OP would probably get more in housing benefit etc if she lived alone so I don't think her contribution to the household is unfair and I don't thinks he's a sponger. She's putting over half her income a month to the household, in, yes, unfortunately another situation where she is subsidising another person's mortgage and living. The problem is her partner is shit with money. OP does he have a gambling problem or something? And no i definitely don't think you should bail him out with your savings. That's you and your daughter's protection!

icelollycraving · 24/05/2019 10:17

Out of interest op, have you worked full time to pay all the bills on a home?
He may be not savvy with money. He may not have built up savings but he’s covering an extra two people. You seem to think paying the food is a contribution which it is but you’d pay for food surely if you weren’t with him. He is subsidising you working part time with a child that isn’t his. Three people will use more water, electric etc, particularly if you work part time, presumably you are in the home a lot more. He would not be entitled to single person discount on council tax. You are on to a pretty good thing.
The overriding thing is that you found pretty unhappy with your relationship.

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 10:17

you're right to want to protect your daughter's future...

Not if she doesn’t have enough money to pay for shelter, she isn’t.

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 10:21

The OP would probably get more in housing benefit etc if she lived alone so I don't think her contribution to the household is unfair

The two things are unrelated. She can’t argue she would be okay if she moved out and then not move out and still expect to keep her savings.

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/05/2019 10:33

I don’t think paying more because he has lost his job in this circumstances is reasonable.

At this point op hasn’t got any financial interest in the flat. She could end up using all her savings to prop him up and he could end it with her as soon as he gets another job.

Until op has some financial stake in the flat then I don’t believe not helping with her savings is unreasonable.

Helping with her earnings is not going to get them far if the Dp has no savings after earning £2400 per month.

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 10:37

Until op has some financial stake in the flat then I don’t believe not helping with her savings is unreasonable.

So people should be able to live at cost in other people’s homes, even when money is too tight for that to be realistic, until they are made co-owners?

She would be out on her ear!

mumwon · 24/05/2019 10:44

if he is unemployed wont the maintenance go down?

Omzlas · 24/05/2019 10:47

YA still BU OP

You're not getting the answers and sympathy you want so you're 'leaving it there'
You asked "AIBU?". Yes. Yes, you are. Massively.

Alsohuman · 24/05/2019 10:49

So someone should get a financial stake in a property because they pay £200 towards the bills? Seriously?

itsnotallbbqsandshrimp · 24/05/2019 10:52

This is not the same as the other thread. Sharing costs is usually proportionate to income. The man in the other thread had a lot of disposable income and was giving the op next to nothing out of his earnings.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 24/05/2019 10:54

I would pay. If he can't make the mortgage payments then you're all homeless anyway, right?
In these circumstances, if I saw a future for the relationship, I would offer to get full time work if he was finding it difficult to get a new job, as long as he would be willing to do the extra childcare necessary.
I would hate to feel that I was the sort of person who wouldn't support a partner in difficult times, when they had supported me.
If the relationship isn't going to last anyway, then find somewhere else to live and break it off.

BrendasUmbrella · 24/05/2019 10:55

She would be out on her ear!

She could also be out on her ear - and her child too - after exhausting her savings to pay someone else's mortgage.

Her reluctance is because he has proved to be no good with money, not because she's a freeloader. Anyone would be reluctant to subsidize a human money pit.

Motherof3feminists · 24/05/2019 10:58

I suspect there is no future to this relationship. They do not view each other as equal partners, he holds all the cards and she has no security in her home as she is not on the mortgage and they are not married.

SpecterLitt · 24/05/2019 11:00

Can you clarify why you believe that he can subsidise you and your daughter all this time, yet when he is in need you won't step up and help? Wow, you must really love and value him.

Yes, you're being unreasonable. I would love to see you go out and find a place for you and your daughter and only have outgoings of £450 a month. The fact you even are questioning why you should help out suggests that this is not a serious relationship for you.

If I were him, I'd take this as a lesson learned and ask you to leave. You won't support your significant other in his time of need, that is just shameful. He is being made redundant, that's terrible for any one. Here's hoping he does find a new job soon and possibly a new partner too, one where things are equal and the respect is there to help one another when times are tough.

Pinotjo · 24/05/2019 11:01

urbvu, £450 a month, where else could you live for that? His issue with money is his issue, he is not responsible for putting a roof over your & your childs head, it's time to step up and pay your way. Your additional out goings are your problem, sounds like you've had a good run, pay up or move out