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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About OH & money

251 replies

Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 01:09

Right il try keep this brief ... I live with my OH in his house it’s all in his name ... I basically just give him £200pm towards bills and get all our food with is about £250pm. I earn £800 pm ... he pays everything else. I also have a few thousand in a savings account I put away for my DD (4) for our future / house / emergencies.. Now my OH is most likely going to be made redundant shortly.. he earns a lot more than me prob 3 times what I do ... he manages to spend all his money every month rarely puts anything by he does hav a lot of outgoings but could always save something but rarely does ... he said if he gets made redundant I may need to help out more with bills ... am I being unreasonable to say no? I really worked hard to save & went without a lot & several times in the past iv lent / bailed him out (on top of what I help out with bills) and he always struggles to budget to pay me back so in the end I feel bad and say don’t worry. Wev had words tonight as he said I’m not being supportive & he puts a roof over my & my DDs head .. just feel stuck between a rock & a hard place :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 07:15

I also spent all evening helping him with jobs & have been looking daily and offering a lot of support in that way ... he also could temp .. I’m not a total b**ch.. I do a lot of other things for him yes I don’t hav a lot of Monthly Income but I try help other ways best I can. My issue with savings is once they are gone they are gone .. I’m not going to be in a position to save as much as I have now for a while. & iv helped with credit cards & bills and things that weren’t mine before & nothin has changed

OP posts:
fedup21 · 24/05/2019 07:16

he said if he gets made redundant I may need to help out more with bills ... am I being unreasonable to say no?

What is your alternative?

PutyourtoponTrevor · 24/05/2019 07:18

Will he get a redundancy payment?

Robertsmithdoesmyhair · 24/05/2019 07:20

If you have to dip into your savings to pay his bills, what happens when your money runs out?
What if you split up?
You could potentially lose everything.
Rent your own place or get your name on the mortgage deeds!

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 07:21

Your savings should be used to keep a roof over your head, because without a roof you and your DD are going to get wet. What is the alternative here?

Original poster
Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 07:21

Well if bills are £1100 ... I pay £450, he pays £650 ... & I have my DD to also pay for? & he’s not saved when I mentioned to him time and time again get accused of nagging... iv Supported this person through a lot too much to post as I was trying to keep it brief... I’m just literally talking about finances atm.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 07:23

The bottom line here is that you won’t be able to afford to rent elsewhere without dipping into savings.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 24/05/2019 07:27

It doesn't sound unreasonable to me that you should contribute/help more tbh? Isn't that what partnerships do? What is your alternative?

icelollycraving · 24/05/2019 07:28

You are getting a home for you and your child for a song. I assume you wouldn’t get such a bargain on your own! A deposit and moving would wipe out your savings.
I understand you’re trying to help him by looking for jobs but let’s face it, that’s to protect your own money too.
If you’re going to have savings you don’t want to use as a couple keep them secret.
If you don’t help out, perhaps your home will be gone fairly soon.

Original poster
Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 07:29

Yes I know that! Or have my parents. I take people’s opinions on board .. but I’m saying iv bailed him out of things b4 & nothin changes it’s stressful trying to plan a future with someone u don’t financially trust :(

OP posts:
user87382294757 · 24/05/2019 07:30

You'd probably need to claim Universal credit, unless he gets a payout?
I take it you aren;t married, that puts you in a vulnerable place if it comes to splitting - maybe you would be better off in your own place.

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 07:32

You want him to be more responsible with money so he can continue to subsidise you, but you don’t want to share your money. Yes, YABU.

lastqueenofscotland · 24/05/2019 07:33

Hercule nailed it
YABU

Listlover · 24/05/2019 07:33

blonde the op is giving him £200 pm towards bills, hardly worthy of a name on a mortgage.
Recent thread here where op was getting £70 pw from her dp and he was a cocklodger.
Yes I see the op here is paying £250 for food for here and her dd but she’d be paying that anyway

FreshAprilStart · 24/05/2019 07:34

To be frank, this isn't a partnership relationship. If he's had spare cash of £800 a month to fritter away while you've scrimped, then how are you a couple?

So many women walking into these situations where they are left vulnerable with no assets or protection.

Stop playing house. Either commit to being a family with one pot and a future or go it alone.

Sophiesdog11 · 24/05/2019 07:34

Whilst that is true hercule, at least she would have some security in a rented property. Living with her OH she has absolutely no security.

She could use up all her savings supporting him through redundancy, then be kicked out of his house with no notice at all when she has no savings left.

Op, I wouldn’t be touching my savings to help him, without some formal agreement with him. You could end up paying his mortgage, his maintenance etc, then find yourself homeless.

What would he do in redundancy if you didn’t live with him? This is why it is wise if possible to always have a few months wages in savings.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/05/2019 07:35

Of course you will need to help if he loses his job. The very fact you don't think you should have to speaks volumes.

You and your child live rent free, pay a token amount towards bills and it sounds like you work part time based on that salary.

Listlover · 24/05/2019 07:35

You don’t pay £450. You said you pay £200. And £250 for food which you’d be paying anyway so you’re not subsiding his household bills with that

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 07:35

Sophiesdog11

She can’t afford a rented property.

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/05/2019 07:36

I think your split atm is realistic as you don’t own anything.

Whether it has not come up before or there is some reluctance there doesn’t seem to be much impetus to move this relationship to the next level. It appears more of a convenience for both parties.

I think a serious talk to see how you both see yourself.
Are you a family in which case you need your name on the mortgage and a proper sit down and discussion on finances, pooling money, paying all the bills and splitting the rest between a savings account and money for yourselves.

Or is this relationship just a convenience. He gets some support and a sum of money each month and you and your dd get a roof over your heads for a much reduced cost.

Will he get redundancy?

Could he get some temp work and an evening job a couple of nights per week and you take on some extra work at night as well

I do think you need to decide where in life you are both going

Miniloso · 24/05/2019 07:36

So if you lost your job and couldn’t contribute would you be ok if he asked you to leave?

I agree that him being bad with money is frustrating, my exH was and it contributed to us splitting up.

IMO you should agree to sub him while he is out of work on the proviso that you are allowed to help him manage his money when he gets another job and that he saves a certain amount.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/05/2019 07:38

If he was my sone I would advise him to cut his losses now and go it alone. They say when a person shows you there true colours listen.

lastqueenofscotland · 24/05/2019 07:38

2400 a month if you are paying for mortgage and bills as you said, £1100 and then maybe a car so say a few hundred a month a month, plus bills, insurance, petrol. And additional travel on top. Add unexpected maintenance costs to house and car it’s not leaving a tonne of fun money

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 07:39

IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Agreed. The going has got tough, and where is the OP? I would suggest to him that a lodger would pay him more and cost him less.

SparklyLeprechaun · 24/05/2019 07:43

Not trusting him financially is a different issue though, isn't it, and yanbu to call it a day if you're not on the same page. But he's basically been subsidising your lifestyle, enabling you to work part time (I presume) and save money, so he's not being unfair asking you to contribute more in times of need - it's what couples do. I'm not saying you should give up your savings to him, but at least pay 2/3 of the bills to make it fair.