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AIBU?

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Original poster

About OH & money

251 replies

Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 01:09

Right il try keep this brief ... I live with my OH in his house it’s all in his name ... I basically just give him £200pm towards bills and get all our food with is about £250pm. I earn £800 pm ... he pays everything else. I also have a few thousand in a savings account I put away for my DD (4) for our future / house / emergencies.. Now my OH is most likely going to be made redundant shortly.. he earns a lot more than me prob 3 times what I do ... he manages to spend all his money every month rarely puts anything by he does hav a lot of outgoings but could always save something but rarely does ... he said if he gets made redundant I may need to help out more with bills ... am I being unreasonable to say no? I really worked hard to save & went without a lot & several times in the past iv lent / bailed him out (on top of what I help out with bills) and he always struggles to budget to pay me back so in the end I feel bad and say don’t worry. Wev had words tonight as he said I’m not being supportive & he puts a roof over my & my DDs head .. just feel stuck between a rock & a hard place :(

OP posts:
itsnotallbbqsandshrimp · 24/05/2019 22:09

@Alsohuman except they have a rental agreement and can't be kicked out.

Alsohuman · 24/05/2019 22:49

The principle’s the same.

CripsSandwiches · 24/05/2019 22:59

However she and her daughter are living all in for £450 a month. She is the main beneficiary of the deal.

How is she the main beneficiary? His food bill and most of his bills are being paid for him.

It's always eluded me why people object to paying someone else's mortgage - it's exactly what people who rent a property are doing.

I wouldn't pay my partner's mortgage because they're not my landlord and if I wasn't living with them I could get my own mortgage which would mean the money I was paying would actually be an investment.

If a partner moved into the home I owned anyway I'd expect them to pay half of all bills and a contribution to maintenance of the home. It's not in any way similar to renting out a room to someone who would have their own private space and some security in the form of a signed tenancy. If the partner ends the relationship they could throw you out the next day.

itsnotallbbqsandshrimp · 24/05/2019 23:03

No, it isn't lol

Alsohuman · 24/05/2019 23:12

Yes it is.

kbPOW · 24/05/2019 23:19

Wow. What a load of really vile posts. I stopped reading on page 3. OP a lot pf posters on this thread are just showing you how gaslighting works.

PseuDenim · 24/05/2019 23:22

Get a job that will bring in more for you and your daughter and offer you longer term security? That’s what most people do!

CripsSandwiches · 24/05/2019 23:23

The principle’s the same.

Don't be stupid of course it isn't. A landlord rents you a property because they want to make a profit out of you. A partner shouldn't want to make a profit out of you!

HolesinTheSoles · 24/05/2019 23:25

@PseuDenim

Wow that's really helpful advice! And people say MNers live in their own worlds.

Alsohuman · 24/05/2019 23:32

Don’t call me stupid. The principle of paying someone else’s mortgage is completely the same, regardless of whose it is.

HolesinTheSoles · 24/05/2019 23:47

The principle of paying someone else’s mortgage is completely the same, regardless of whose it is.

Are you serious? Of course it's not remotely similar. The landlord only allows me into their home because they want to make a profit out of me. They probably only bought the house to make a profit. A partner invites you to move in because he/she wants to live with you. Of course it's not remotely similar.

NameChangeNugget · 24/05/2019 23:56

The principle of paying someone else’s mortgage is completely the same, regardless of whose it is

What a ridiculous comment

itsnotallbbqsandshrimp · 25/05/2019 00:14

Haha no it's not.

You pay money to a mortgage - security of your own home.
You pay rent - security in a contract.
You pay money to someone else with a mortgage - no security.

Oliversmumsarmy · 25/05/2019 00:15

*I was under the impression the op has bailed him out by £1000s

What made you think that*

The fact op said her savings had halved since living with her Dp

Given your earnings, it is likely that you would have spent your savings on a market rental and he has not had much opportunity to save subsiding you and your daughter

Actually it was the other way round.

Dp was able to save (probably got extra benefits) when she was single..

Living with Dp is actually costing her money with little to show for it.

*If you are supposed to be giving up your savings to help Dp what is he doing in return'.

Putting a roof over her and her Dad's head at a minimal cost that allows her to keep her savings*

According to some on this thread this minimal cost would end up costing op everything.

I am still trying to understand the venom about ops £450 per month being not enough. How much more should op have paid given there was only £100 left from her salary and she was paying 1/3 of the expenses and her Dp who owns everything and earned 3 times ops income was paying the rest.

As for op getting a better paying job.

An utterly ridiculous post

If there were better paying jobs out there why are there so many people stuck in dead end jobs.

Maybe all those people love working in their rubbish paying jobs because if they didn’t they could just go out and get a better paying one. I mean why are people complaining that they have no money.

Original poster
Anonymous3286 · 25/05/2019 00:20

Just an update.. I had a good chat with OH. He’s said he’s happy with what I contribute now.. & I have offered to help more with what I can .. but we can jiggle things around if needs be & like I say he’s certainly not a bum he’ll find new work.. we’ll work out a plan together. he doesn’t want me to use savings as we are hoping to use that money for a bigger joint place when we are in a better situation anyway. I do appreciate everyone’s input. Negative / positive / supportive / unsupportive. Il admit I posted shortly after a silly row & we both see each other’s point of view. I was being a bit stubborn & so was he about some stuff too. Sometimes posting just gets things off your chest x

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 25/05/2019 00:22

Why would someone pay a partner's mortgage off for them when they don't even have the security of lease? If I was going to be paying someone's mortgage I might as well pay a landlord's mortgage that way It'll be my own home and I can't be made homeless if my relationship breaks down. The DP has no savings presumably because he invested it all in the house which is entirely in his name. If OP invests all her savings into the DP's house too she'll have absolutely nothing to show for it. What would DP have done if OP wasn't there?

Bravelurker · 25/05/2019 01:04

Op is getting an absolute pasting on here and I totally get why she feels cornered.
I think a lot of pp think they are entitled to smack down what I feel is a vulnerable single mum with a small income because she is protecting herself in the only way I can think of in her shoes.

Thread is starting to smell like a benefit , social housing, race to the bottom, bash fest.

kbPOW · 25/05/2019 02:43

Unfortunately that's all too familiar on Mumsnet.

herculepoirot2 · 25/05/2019 06:22

Nice bloke, as I said.

herculepoirot2 · 25/05/2019 06:23

Thread is starting to smell like a benefit , social housing, race to the bottom, bash fest.

What rubbish. This has nothing to do with benefits etc. Just basic fairness and reciprocity.

herculepoirot2 · 25/05/2019 06:28

What would DP have done if OP wasn't there?

Spent less of his money?

PseuDenim · 25/05/2019 08:15

To OP I apologise, I was harsh last night - I was tired and grumpy but no excuse to offer unhelpful advice. I hope you can resolve your situation in a way that protects you and your daughter. Best of luck with the future.

Motherof3feminists · 25/05/2019 08:39

So your savings are going to be used for joint purposes anyway and aren't for your daughter's security at all. Make sure if you buy a house together that your part of the deposit is protected and you are on the deeds and mortgage otherwise you still have no protection.
I personally would be reconsidering the relationship because you do not consider each other as equal partners and I suspect finances aren't the only thing that cause arguments. Please consider if you are modelling a good relationship to your daughter.
Good luck OP.

Oliversmumsarmy · 25/05/2019 09:15

Of course the money is going to be used as security for ops dd.

You don’t think that her mother using it to buy a half share in a house (an appreciating asset) for her to live in isn’t looking out for her dds security?

Financially they aren’t equal partners as op earns 1/3 of her Dps potential earnings.

How is op not modelling how a good relationship should work.

She is showing that in a relationship she should protect her own finances rather than what posters here seem to think is the better way.
Which is to give everything to your bf and then leave yourself with nothing because your bf has spent everything he earned.

You are then in a position that if you upset him he could throw you out and you wouldn’t even be able to afford to rent anywhere because you had given everything to the now exbf to pay his mortgage.

I think the attitude on this thread shows why women expose themselves to abuse and don’t protect themselves.

Motherof3feminists · 25/05/2019 09:43

@Oliversmumsarmy putting money into a house if she's not on the deeds/mortgage wouldn't offer her or her daughter any protection as they are not married which is why I said to make sure she protects that contribution. It sounds like she's going to go from one vulnerable situation to another.

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