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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First Date, who pays?

598 replies

DreamsOfDownUnder · 23/05/2019 10:29

So I'm going on a first date on Sunday evening for some food and drinks.

I'm planning on going dutch... I think?

What are people's opinion, man/woman pays/go dutch or do we pay for what we've had.. It's been a while since I've been one!

OP posts:
PollyShelby · 23/05/2019 16:46

On the first dates TV show it's usually Dutch but sometimes the bloke pays.

Ellisandra · 23/05/2019 16:47

These threads always make my blood boil with women (not the OP!) expecting to be paid for.

I just wanted to say though, that there are always comments about who invited who.

In my opinion, it’s 50/50 whoever did the inviting.

But for those who do thing the person inviting pays, I think it’s actually a totally different situation when the inviting arises from meeting someone on Tinder, as here. For me, whoever actually braves asking first is irrelevant - you’re both on a dating site, so you’re both suggesting the future possibility of a date to each other, as soon as you start talking.

recrudescence · 23/05/2019 16:50

so a man has asked me out and should pay.

I think this is silly and old fashioned. If you are asked out to dinner and want to go and believe you would enjoy it then expect to pay your way.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/05/2019 16:51

On the first dates TV show it's usually Dutch but sometimes the bloke pays

where the bloke pays its usually where the date has been successful

PollyShelby · 23/05/2019 17:01

We are always disgusted on First dates when the woman allows the man to pay and then in the feedback says there's no spark and they don't want a further date.

Pa1oma · 23/05/2019 17:03

He should sort the bill without saying anything. You should offer to pay, but he says it sorted. You offer again. He declines. The End.

recrudescence · 23/05/2019 17:05

He should sort the bill without saying anything. You should offer to pay, but he says it sorted. You offer again. He declines. The End.

Why? I can’t see any logical reason for this.

Pa1oma · 23/05/2019 17:06

Well who said dating has to be logical?

DHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 23/05/2019 17:08

Whoever asks should pay really, but it doesn't hurt to offer to pay your share.

I have never been out with a man who didn't insist on paying though. No expectation on having sex as a thank you Hmm

PollyShelby · 23/05/2019 17:08

@Pa1oma just coz he's got a singer doesn't mean he should pay surely?

PollyShelby · 23/05/2019 17:08

A donger not a singer

Pa1oma · 23/05/2019 17:15

Well the man paying creates a certain dating dynamic, I guess, which has persisted because people like it. The man paying would be normal to people of my age (40s), otherwise he wouldn’t be going in the first place.

It might be different with Tinder etc because that’s much more casual, but I wouldn’t really know.

cookiechomper · 23/05/2019 17:25

I'd expect the man to pay. I think it's really down to the person who asked to take the other person out to offer to pay, but I've always been asked out by men, not the other way round.
I have offered to pay for meals and drinks but most men won't accept it.
If it's with my husband then it doesn't matter who pays as we have joint finances and share money anyway.

DecomposingComposers · 23/05/2019 17:34

He should sort the bill without saying anything. You should offer to pay, but he says it sorted. You offer again. He declines. The End.

So men have to be in a financial position to sub every woman they date? Meanwhile women can go on multiple different dates with lots of men and never pay a penny? That is terrible.

How do you justify that?

DecomposingComposers · 23/05/2019 17:38

Well the man paying creates a certain dating dynamic, I guess, which has perssted because people some women like it

Fixed that for you

Pa1oma · 23/05/2019 17:45

Decomposing - well nobody has to go on multiple dates. As I said, if it’s a Tinder situation and you’re meeting 2 or 3 a week then that’s probably a different set of expectations all round. Anyway, if a man can’t afford dinner, then just go for a drink - or a walk. It’s not about money. Women aren’t impressed by money, they are impressed by manners.

Aprillygirl · 23/05/2019 17:54

If he asked me out I would expect him to pay and vice versa. But I would never ask anyone on a date, so basically I win Grin. I would insist on paying on a second date though,which I would definitely be more likely to want with a generous man.

Fromablokespoint · 23/05/2019 17:59

Coffee, few drinks then I would pay. Dinner - assumption is on a first date that it should be split. This applies to a Tinder/OLD scenario. If IRL and I have asked then I would expect to pay.

I asked someone out a while ago to a relatively expensive pub for lunch, we stayed all afternoon and ran up a large bill. I genuinely had forgot my wallet!

DecomposingComposers · 23/05/2019 18:08

Pa1oma

But a poster up thread said they can't afford to go on several dates each week, with different men, and pay their share. If you are the man in that situation you can't afford to go out with different people if you are expected to pay.

And I would hope that women aren't impressed by money - sadly some views on here are making me think again.

DecomposingComposers · 23/05/2019 18:10

I would insist on paying on a second date though,which I would definitely be more likely to want with a generous man.

Doesn't that work both ways? Why would a man want to go on a 2nd date with a tight wad?

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/05/2019 18:12

UnicornBrexit
TBH, if he wasnt paying, I wouldnt be seeing him again. Can't be doing with tight wads

Loving the hypocrisy.

SimonJT · 23/05/2019 18:13

Go dutch, if a date expected me to pay the whole bill there is no way I would see them again, I’m not into money grabbers who are after free food and drink.

Aprillygirl · 23/05/2019 18:15

DecomposingComposers how am I a tight wad when I have stated that I would expect to pay if I were the one to ask the bloke out,AND would pay for the second date if he paid for the first so it would even itself out either way?

Hithere12 · 23/05/2019 18:16

Am I the only one who thinks if a man asks you on a date and expects you to go Dutch it’s a bit lame? Idk. Obviously I’m going against the grain here 🤷‍♀️

formerbabe · 23/05/2019 18:17

I’m not into money grabbers who are after free food and drink

What a charmer you sound. I presume woman aren't queuing round the block to date you.