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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First Date, who pays?

598 replies

DreamsOfDownUnder · 23/05/2019 10:29

So I'm going on a first date on Sunday evening for some food and drinks.

I'm planning on going dutch... I think?

What are people's opinion, man/woman pays/go dutch or do we pay for what we've had.. It's been a while since I've been one!

OP posts:
BloodyDisgrace · 23/05/2019 11:39

Ok, I might be unusual, but the man always paid for food. I just chose an inexpensive option and had one glass of booze, no desert. I always thanked them and offered to get the drinks afterwards. That's the 1st date.
Any consecutive ones - I just said "let's go to a pub and have a few drinks", and I'd pay for these. There is no need to eat each time. I'd often eat at home when I'm back. That was in London, I was earning an average London salary, the dates were much better paid blokes and we all roughly knew our respective finances as it was on our dating profiles.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/05/2019 11:40

Happyspud well I think its funny that none of the modern women on here have suggested paying, just going Dutch.
What's wrong with either gender treating the other?

And actually I think my assumption a man pays the first date is based on me assuming that the man has asked me out. I dont think I would ask a man out personally- probably cowardly on my part that bit.

Trebla · 23/05/2019 11:40
Grin
Original poster
DreamsOfDownUnder · 23/05/2019 11:43

@Baskerville

That's my thoughts - where we're going for my starter, main, dessert and bottle of rosè is about £46 - £50 with a tip - I would not want him to fork out that on a first date presuming I was seeing him again! We might not even like each other!

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamsOfDownUnder · 23/05/2019 11:44

@OnlyFoolsnMothers no one ever does seem to suggest the woman pays up. That's why I mentioned it in my post!

OP posts:
HolesinTheSoles · 23/05/2019 11:46

Unless it's someone you've known for a while who's decided to take you out somewhere (in which case I'd let them pay then I'd take them somewhere next time) then I'd go Dutch.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/05/2019 11:47

DreamsOfDownUnder i dont think a man need pay everytime (trust me I have some friends that think like that and I hate it).
But all this "dutch" stuff I find a bit depressing, wheres the treating people element.
Then we wonder why, a marriage, a baby and a mat leave down the line we end up with threads "AIBU Im on mat leave, my husband earns 100k a year and wants me to pay him for half the pint of milk he just picked up"

Baskerville · 23/05/2019 11:47

That's actually a big investment of time and money for a first date, Dreams? Can you not just meet for a drink, and if it's great, then go for dinner, and if it's not, you can duck out after swallowing your G and T rather quickly...?

none of the modern women on here have suggested paying, just going Dutch.What's wrong with either gender treating the other?

But it's a first date, with someone who is presumably a virtual stranger, who might be awful -- why would you spend £100 on him? I buy DH dinner all the time, and regularly buy lunch or dinner out with male friends, but I wouldn't be dropping £100 on someone I've just met.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/05/2019 11:48

Ok so you go on the date and you're both really into eachother- who pays?

formerbabe · 23/05/2019 11:49

Men who agree to split the bill aren't doing so because they strongly believe you're their equal but because they're thrilled to save half the cost of a margherita pizza and a bottle of house white.

Sad but true.

VaggieMight · 23/05/2019 11:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

NameChangeNugget · 23/05/2019 11:51

A good woman offers and a good man pays

This is offensive. What a load of fucking old twaddle

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/05/2019 11:54

*This is offensive. What a load of fucking old twaddle"

offensive to who?

Original poster
DreamsOfDownUnder · 23/05/2019 11:54

@Baskerville Well it's not that cheap here in my area for the kind of place he wants to go to. Not expensive but not £5 for a main either.

I like food too, I don't get out often so want to make the most of it. I could have a main and a glass of wine for 20 quid. £6 starter, £15 main, £5 dessert and a bottle of wine is £18. Happy to pay for it myself, I've just looked at the menu and decided what I'm having incase we do eat and I know how much to take with me.

We will be having a drink first so if we don't like each other/it's awakard we just won't sit down and eat and finish up quickly Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamsOfDownUnder · 23/05/2019 11:56

@VaggieMight yep, it's a tinder date!

OP posts:
Baskerville · 23/05/2019 11:56

offensive to who?

People who haven't arrived in time machine from 1950?

happymummy12345 · 23/05/2019 11:57

When I went on the first date with my husband I paid for it all. I said I wanted to pay. He paid for the second date. Since we've taken it in turns to pay. Then since we moved in together we've considered money joint, so it hasn't been a case of who's paid.

ChocChocButtons · 23/05/2019 11:58

The deal is, if you want to see them again and they offer or insist on paying let them. If you don’t want to see them again refuse to let them pay. Or if they don’t offer go halves.

RuffleCrow · 23/05/2019 12:01

Always go dutch. Even when you've been together ages. I think we still have to work hard to fight against the transactional taint to heterosexuality. Sadly there are still far too many men out there who see women as prostitutes who will 'exchange' sex for an expensive meal. Not saying your man is like that btw, just something to guard against. Both the meal and the sex should be equal, 100% consensual and mutually enjoyable Grin

myusernamewastakenbyme · 23/05/2019 12:03

The amount of women on here who still expect to be paid for is shocking....really hope my 2 sons dont end up going on dates with some of you grabby fuckers !!!

Everythingsbeentaken · 23/05/2019 12:04

If you wanted a male point of view.. Chatting to some guys at work, they said they would expect to pay for the first few dates, although would normally just go for a coffee/ drink for the first one. They like the other person to offer though, but would say no it's fine. Once it became a bit more girlfriend/boyfriend, they would expect it to then be shared more equally. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with insisting on going Dutch if that makes you feel happier. If you just said I prefer to do that on dates, I'm sure they'd respect your wishes. Have fun :)

RantyAnty · 23/05/2019 12:07

I've never been out with a man who didn't pay. If he can't afford to treat me to a cup of coffee and a slice, then he probably shouldn't be dating.

UnicornBrexit · 23/05/2019 12:07

@BadLad - oh absolutely - I quite like it in the 1950's where I'm popped on a pedestal Grin I like my men to be gentlemen, and so far I havent been disappointed. Im probably a lot older than you and lessons learned for me are "If you want to be treated like a lady, act like one", standing at the bar waving a 20 in hope you'll attract the attention of staff is not something I do in mixed company. I'l start a tab and pay it, but Im not standing up there.

Please dont tell me you're like my BIL who actually invoiced an exgf, when she dumped him, with an itemised bill for every piece of expenditure he laid out. Yes, we still mock him for it 20 years later.

UnicornBrexit · 23/05/2019 12:10

The amount of women on here who still expect to be paid for is shocking....really hope my 2 sons dont end up going on dates with some of you grabby fuckers !!!

You're ok there, I doubt any of us are into children counting their pocket money

Baskerville · 23/05/2019 12:12

Are you over eighty, Unicorn? Too feeble to get off your wobbly pedestal and stand in mixed company at the bar, not to mention possibly having to order unladylike things like pints? Hmm