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AIBU?

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Original poster

First Date, who pays?

598 replies

DreamsOfDownUnder · 23/05/2019 10:29

So I'm going on a first date on Sunday evening for some food and drinks.

I'm planning on going dutch... I think?

What are people's opinion, man/woman pays/go dutch or do we pay for what we've had.. It's been a while since I've been one!

OP posts:
Kennehora · 25/05/2019 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleGlitter1983 · 25/05/2019 13:47

Offer to pay half, if he insists on paying, leave the tip, and if you're going to go out again say you'll pay next time :)

Bluntness100 · 25/05/2019 13:54

I'm a single parent who pays for everything but I'm absolutely old school in that I think a man should 'take out' a woman

If you had the disposable income and there were no constraints would you still feel the same?

HelenaDove · 25/05/2019 14:33

Bluntness I think Helena is just talking out of her ass to try and prove a point. Not quite sure what that point is though.

There are actually women on this site who have not had a haircut for years because they cant afford it. And ive seen guys on the dating threads on here make it very clear they would date a poorer woman or outside their class even if she did go halves.

And Bluntness i never said women should do all these things just for a date.

We have a man on this thread who says he expects a woman to at least have had a haircut in the last 6 weeks. Why is this being ignored Because he has a penis i suspect.
What if someone has had a lot of bills in that time and just cant afford it. Im not talking out my ass.

Im fed up of so called feminists denying other womens economic reality.

HelenaDove · 25/05/2019 14:33

*wouldnt date

HelenaDove · 25/05/2019 14:37

Some of the women who cant afford all these societal expectations are single parents who have been left in the lurch by MEN who then dodge paying Child Support.

I bet some of these men are in the dating pool insisting on the equality of going halves.

Bluntness100 · 25/05/2019 14:41

To be fair I missed the post where some twat badger said they'd expect a woman to have a hair cut in the last six weeks. I suspect it's being ignored because either people missed it or it's too ludicrous to respond to.

As for the guys who only date certain women, I don't get the issue. A woman also has a choice on whether to date them. It's not like you're forced to. So they can tell him to fuck off. Like you would with the twat badger who thinks women should have their hair cut every six weeks.

And if someone is so poor they haven't been able to have a haircut for years, then I really don't think they should be spending money they don't have to please some bloke. Pin it up, wear it as you usually do, whatever.

Please stop going on about people denying women's economic reality. Not one person has done that, what's been said is you don't need to spend money you don't have on a bloody fist date.

HelenaDove · 25/05/2019 14:47

Exactly Thats what i said. You dont need to spend money to please a bloke you dont even know.

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 25/05/2019 14:50

'To the ones who wouldn't go on a second date with a guy just because he wanted to go Dutch in the first, so "no generous enough" according to your standards. I just want you to reflect on this: He may have been the one who was genuine, respectful and would see you as an equal. Whereas the ones so called "generous", may just want to get laid or worse, they may be control freaks, who in the future become abusive and try to apologise with gifts.
Try to know the person for what they really are and not for what they buy you.'

Yeah possibly, or the much more likely scenario is that he's a stingy cunt who will make you pay half the bills and the childcare bill despite you only working two days a week and him 5 because 'you're the one who wanted to get a house/child.' Despite having plenty to spend on himself including his own hobbies.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/05/2019 14:55

To the ones who wouldn't go on a second date with a guy just because he wanted to go Dutch in the first, so "no generous enough" according to your standard

I'd say the guy had a lucky escape in those cases. I wouldn't want my son being seen as a walking cashpoint.

DecomposingComposers · 25/05/2019 14:56

Yeah possibly, or the much more likely scenario is that he's a stingy cunt who will make you pay half the bills and the childcare bill despite you only working two days a week and him 5 because 'you're the one who wanted to get a house/child.' Despite having plenty to spend on himself including his own hobbies.

This is so weird.

How about the men who don't have a huge disposable income? Are they meant to get themselves into debt just to prove to a woman that they aren't a stingy asshole? And if these judgements apply to men who don't want to pick up the bill then how come they don't equally apply to the women who don't want to pay?

HelenaDove · 25/05/2019 15:01

Of course not Decomposing. In fact i had a bit of a disagreement with a friend of mine, She is on a good income and was dating a bloke who worked in a supermarket and expecting him to pay for all the dates.

It lasted two months.

HelenaDove · 25/05/2019 15:04

Imodium Man would often mention materialistic women and gold diggers. He worked in a warehouse.

TheRealShatParp · 25/05/2019 15:04

Dutch, for sure. Even if they invited me I wouldn’t assume they’d pay.

JacquesHammer · 25/05/2019 15:04

Why are so many people adamant that what happens on the FIRST date is a decent indication of what married life would be like Confused

It’s utter nonsense!

KinderSurpriseBump · 25/05/2019 15:06

@itscallednickingbentcoppers I'd assume people wouldn't rush in buying a house and have children with someone who they don't really know. If you get to know them well then you're more likely to have a bigger picture of his character. If he's not the person for you, move on.

HelenaDove · 25/05/2019 15:08

And the reason they do that is because they want you to bend over backwards to prove you arent materialistic.

Then there are the ones who give their tightness an eco bent like

"why do you need to shower today. You showered yesterday Its not good for the environment to shower every day"

cliffy69 · 25/05/2019 15:11

Not sure you can accuse anybody else of being tight if you're someone who won't have a second date unless the first one is free! WinkGrin

HelenaDove · 25/05/2019 15:14

"Why are so many people adamant that what happens on the FIRST date is a decent indication of what married life would be like confused

It’s utter nonsense"

If i went into advanced search right now and hunted for threads on financial abuse and/or my DH is tight with money type threads i will see old posts (that are there because i remember seeing them) from posters saying "well wernt there any warning signs" Why didnt you take any notice"

A previous thread an MNer posted was because she was worried about her partners finances.

Cue a load of posters lining up to tell her that his finances were none of her business until they were ALREADY living together or (and my personal favourite as a childfree by choice woman) they had children.

Well its too fucking late then.

A lot of chopping and changing on here.

JacquesHammer · 25/05/2019 15:20

Oh don’t be disingenuous Helena.

You know absolutely that however anyone behaves on a first date isn’t necessarily a true indication of that person, hence why you have several more dates to get to know them if you’re interested.

You cannot judge for a moment what a person would be like in a relationship from a first date. Especially if the only thing you’re judging is whether they pay or not.

HelenaDove · 25/05/2019 15:28

"You know absolutely that however anyone behaves on a first date isn’t necessarily a true indication of that person"

Really? How interesting. The waiter/waitress test no longer applies then. Because its funny how this is always indicative of how someone is as a person and people are always advised not to have a second date with someone who treats the waiter like shit.

But if how someone behaves on a first date isnt neccesarily how they are as a person this test no longer applies either.

So many changes to keep up with isnt there!

JacquesHammer · 25/05/2019 15:30

Because its funny how this is always indicative of how someone is as a person and people are always advised not to have a second date with someone who treats the waiter like shit

I’ve never discussed that with anyone Confused

You DO know MN is a varied forum of countless individuals? There isn’t a hive mind.

stucknoue · 25/05/2019 15:31

Offer to pay half but if they insist on paying it's ok, then reciprocate if there's a second date! I must admit I found it odd to even accept a coffee after 20 years of marriage but the guy insisted and he wants to meet again (just friends I'll add we are both coming out of long marriages where our spouses left us) he is nice though

stucknoue · 25/05/2019 15:37

I think it depends too on circumstances, if a single, rich, no kids guy asks me out (highly unlikely) I'm likely to be less insistent about paying then someone I know is in an equal position to me, plus it depends on whether it goes well - if it didn't I would certainly pay as you don't want to feel that you took advantage

DecomposingComposers · 25/05/2019 16:08

Really? How interesting. The waiter/waitress test no longer applies then.

Oh no, you're right. How could we have forgotten this highly respected, widely published, peer reviewed piece of research?