First Date, who pays?

[DreamsOfDownUnder]

So I'm going on a first date on Sunday evening for some food and drinks.

I'm planning on going dutch... I think?

What are people's opinion, man/woman pays/go dutch or do we pay for what we've had.. It's been a while since I've been one!

walkingtheplank

How do these situations occur? Surely 1 person asks another on a date, they the n discuss where to go. How do you end up in a situation where the man refuses to tell you where you are going? I wouldn't be wandering off to an unknown location with a stranger.

Surprise, expensive restaurants are for later dates, not the first one.

As for women having to spend money on their appearance - I buy clothes that I like, I wear hardly any make up, have my hair cut every 6 weeks in a style that I can easily do myself. I am content in my own skin, I am happy with my appearance. I'm not spending a fortune because it is expected of me. I am a grown woman, I don't have to succumb to pressure from whoever.

People need to realise that they can be an individual. No one that I know follows these trends or conventions. Be your own person. Do what you are comfortable with and what makes you happy, not other people.

To the ones who wouldn't go on a second date with a guy just because he wanted to go Dutch in the first, so "no generous enough" according to your standards. I just want you to reflect on this: He may have been the one who was genuine, respectful and would see you as an equal. Whereas the ones so called "generous", may just want to get laid or worse, they may be control freaks, who in the future become abusive and try to apologise with gifts.
Try to know the person for what they really are and not for what they buy you.

He may have been the one who was genuine, respectful and would see you as an equal

Anyone remember my toilet paper and Imodium story/experience or do i need to post it again.

Here it is Saves me typing it out again.

HelenaDove Sat 16-Feb-19 14:29:30

YY @formerbabe The bloke i dated who went 50/50 on dates but also made it clear that if we were to move in together it would be a 50/50 split even though i earned a lot less also used to time me in his shower when ever i stayed the weekend insisting i only took 3 mins no more With my long thick hair that was impossible

The best bit was the Imodium idea so he wouldnt have to buy any extra bog roll.

Splitting the bill is no guarantee that a man believes in equality.

Id be happy to split the bill but after my experience i would be alert for anything similar to my previous experience

Look what i found during the search The thread i mentioned earlier.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3577265-To-tell-him-to-go-back-at-the-1850-s

Of course it doesn't tell you what the person will be like in a relationship - whether they pay or don't pay. It's one date, a snap shot. You need to get to know them, to see how they act and re act in lots of different situations.

But this isn't about the man's intentions is it? It's about the expectations of some women.

Another post about Imodium Man from another thread.

We split the cost of the first date and he was also insistent this was because he believed in equality for women.

If i had walked away at that point because my fabulous powers of premonition had worked out what he was like (because you obviously think im Mystic Meg) then id be being called a golddigger.

He WAS cherry picking.

He even asked ME to help pick up his nieces and nephews for his brothers party because his brother (whose kids they were) couldnt be arsed to pick them up from his exes because he (the brother) was already getting pissed.

So Mr Imodium 50/50 Money Split still saw childcare as predominantly womens work.

You should have heard what he had to say about women drivers. Every time he saw someone driving in a way he didnt like it was "i bet its a woman" And he revelled in it the times when it was.

Wouldnt buy a present for his brothers 40th birthday even though i offered to go halves.

When we attended said birthday party all the women were in the kitchen preparing food. I was "put to work" alongside them while the men were in the garden drinking beer.

Yep Mr 50/50 split only wanted it that way in regards to money. Yep He totes believed in equality.

@HelenaDove did you know notice I used "may" ? I also said "try to know the person for what they really are..."
I appreciate you had a bad experience with that guy. But I also know some women who ended up in womens refuge because their wealthy partners who would shower them with gifts, and pay for everything so that they didn't have to work, were actually violent abusive towards them.
The only way to find out their real character is knowing the person.

Knowing the person Yes. And looking out for any of these behaviours.

I sometimes read the dating threads and there is/was a male poster on there who moaned that his date wasnt "entertaining" enough So women are expected to be performing seals now as well.

I laughed my socks off when one of his dates recognised him from what he posted and started posting on the thread with her side of things.

Was a real eye opener to the expectations internet dating has created.

I wouldnt do OLD if they fucking PAID ME to do it

I read these threads with dispair at times, how on earth do we get to talking about hair waxing and women's refuges when it started about a date night.

Someone summed it up on the first page, you can guarantee that no man ever has sat debating on who should pay the bill before it's actually there on the table.

Just go on the date and enjoy yourself, worry about who pays when it comes time to pay.

I think it disingenuous to think a woman isn't expect to wear something nice/make an effort with her appearance. That costs time and money

I really don't understand this. Are you seriously of rhe opinion that most women have no clothes in their wardrobes, that they can't pick a date they have suitable attire for, for example just to go out to dinner? Most people have jeans and a decent top. There is no need to go and buy a whole new outfit to go on a first date for most women. Nor is there a need to goto the hairdressers. Most cando their own hair.

The level of preparation required to go on a date by some people is mind boggling.

Hair dressers, nails, waxing, new clothes. Honestly can't get my head round it.

The overwhelming majority of people will shower, do their hair and wear something they already own. And no need to shave your legs even if your self conscious about them, you can wear trousers or jeans.

Honestly mind boggling the sheer depths some folks are willing to plunge to in a bid to justify why a man should pay.

Who actually does all that shit for a first date? No one in their right mind,

Bluntness I think Helena is just talking out of her ass to try and prove a point. Not quite sure what that point is though.

On a date you have a say in where you go, where are all these men who are taking you to high end restaurants with no prices on the menus, paying two hundred quid on wine, where you need to go to the hairdressers, have your hair dyed, go get your legs waxed, go get your nails done, the go buy a whole new outfit. WTAF does that?

The vast majority of rhe time, you pick the date type and venue together, and you simply wear something you've already got and do your own personal grooming, which is wash and dry your hair, maybe shove some make up on, paint your own nails if you fancy it and off you pop.

Some people are talking like it's a state event with days of preparation to meet some random.🤣

Bluntness100

I completely agree with you. The way some people are talking it's like we don't own our own minds or have free will. Since when did we become so passive?

I’m not sure how the thread moved on to all this since yesterday, but I think when it comes to appearance, women tend to have their own regimes anyway, whatever those may be. There’s no need to go overboard for a date at any age. It all sounds too much.

I think what you wear for a date with a farmer in wild Devon, and what you wear for a date in central London are very different.
So yes I can see how the bloke in London in his 40 with own house and good job,. As per the dating spects might not expect a Jean clad female with a nice top, when first meets his date.

But so what?

If you live in London you most likely have something suitable to wear for a date. If you don't, then why arrange to go on that date? I honestly can't understand this.

Why can't you use your words and suggest going somewhere that you feel more comfortable going to? You don't just have to passively agree to everything a man suggests. If he gets arsey then move on.

If you live in London you most likely have something suitable to wear for a date

So yes I can see how the bloke in London in his 40 with own house and good job,. As per the dating spects might not expect a Jean clad female with a nice top, when first meets his date

I think blokes in their 40s in London or anywhere for that matter haven’t got a clue as to what’s going on tbh when it comes to women’s appearance. They don’t notice the details of things in the same way women do. It’s judy not on their radar. For instance, I never coloured my hair at all until I was 40. Now suddenly, I have to get it touched up every 6 weeks or so, but that’s because I notice it. I could probably leave it a year before DH noticed anything. Also, he has no idea I have forehead Botox twice a year. He probably doesn’t know what it is. I had body hair lasering many moons ago - I’ve no idea what he thinks I do about that. I don’t wear much makeup but I do feel as if I look tired without it on. He can’t tell the difference.

Men don’t notice the effort women put in but they would sure notice if we didn’t

As per the dating spects might not expect a Jean clad female with a nice top, when first meets his date

Eh? Have you never been to London? Even some of the most expensive places both men and women are wearing nice jeans, a good top and some heels or great shoes. Are you under the impression folks go out in cocktail dresses or something to dinner or for a drink?

Men don’t notice the effort women put in but they would sure notice if we didn’t

That's not really true. For both genders what is noticed is if your appearance changes. So if you're normally glammed up then appear with no make up and hair scraped back then it's noticed. If you're slovenly and poorly groomed, be you Male or female it's noticed.

I have a couple of friends who seldom wear make up. They'd be the same on a date. It would be noticeable if they suddenly started slapping it on, or changed their hair colour.

It's the change people notice, or if you're slovenly and unkempt.