Is my life actually too busy or am I just not coping?

[tenderoni]

I'd really appreciate some opinions. I feel like I'm constantly on the go, I never prioritise my needs, and I struggle if I have to fit in anything on top of 'normal life' (like when work gets really busy, or even something that should be nice, like booking a holiday). I'd really like to fit in regular exercise and eat better but I can't for the life of me see how. I just feel busy busy busy (and not in an "I'm so important and I’m showing off" type of way, more like it's affecting my mental health and wellbeing). I'll try to include relevant details.

I have a toddler, a husband, a full-time academic job (compressed hours so that I can spend a day a week with my son). My husband works 4 days and spends one day a week with our boy. I'm late 30s, and we're also trying to conceive number 2. Our wider family love spending time with our son, but don’t have him on their own, they’re not really close enough to babysit unless it’s an emergency. I've had busy periods at work where I've had to pick up work again after my son is in bed - I find that really hard. We've had some bad periods of night-waking but that all seems fine now. My worry is that I'm still finding even normal life very hard when work isn't ridiculous and our son is sleeping through.

WORKING DAYS:
5.45 - get up, get dressed and showered, while entertaining toddler (if he’s awake)
6.45 - leave for work, start work at 7.30 (husband does breakfast and drop-off)
NO lunchbreak – I do have a bit too much on at work and we’re trying to sort this.
4.45 - leave work, pick up toddler, play, tea etc.
6/6.30 - wind down for bath, bed
7/7.30 - toddler in bed, start dinner
8/8.30 - eat dinner with husband, watch TV or do jobs, or both if online shop etc.
9.30/10 - bed

NON-WORKING DAYS
Wake around 6.30, play, lunch etc.
Toddler does nap for up to 1hr 15 mins. I'll either do jobs or sit and read/watch TV/rest.

We have a cleaner every 2 weeks which is fab and reduces those jobs massively. My toddler VERY much prefers me, which means if I'm in the house I'm expected by both husband and toddler to be involved in anything toddler-related. Toddler is 2.5 and really not into independent play so pretty full-on.

Husband doesn't do 50/50 partly due to toddler-preference, but we have a reasonable split of jobs around the house. BUT he does get down time every night before I do because I will always do toddler tea, play, bath, bed (husband will come in and out), AND then I'll cook our dinner. So he might have had a nice sit down and be relaxed already by the time I stop around 8/8.30 to eat. I'm a pretty good cook and there's an expectation that we have "nice" dinners. I don't cook anything on a weeknight that would take longer than 30mins, but I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often. I prefer it when we manage to eat early all together as that means more time in the evening for me to rest/relax/do jobs/do something for myself, but time-wise that’s difficult to fit in and impossible to maintain the same meals. Husband does workouts at home and goes to the gym a couple of times a week. At the weekends we generally have some family time going out somewhere all together, then I’ll spend the rest of the time with our boy and husband gets some time to himself. We seem to have fallen into a routine where he doesn’t do much on his own with our toddler unless I specifically ask, so it feels like a bit of a struggle to get time to myself at the weekends. I get that this is somewhere to start the changes I need. ALSO husband is the one who wants to go to sleep by 9.30/10pm. If it were up to me I'd probably go to sleep at 10.30 and have an extra half hour down time.

Since becoming a mum I also really miss time alone, which might be influencing the way I feel. I am drained by constant time with other people but will go weeks without time to myself to decompress. Mithered at work, then full-on with toddler, then it feels like no time at all until bed.

Is this just the way it is with a small child? Other factors - being an older parent, having a full-on job, having my son want specifically me all the time. I’m very tired despite generally getting a good amount of sleep, and I’d just really like to see to my own needs a bit more. I used to be very fit (am not now) and I’m envious when I read of people on mumsnet going to the gym or for a run because I just think how? When? Practically, I tried doing a hiit before work (5.15 start) and it just woke up my boy early. And after dinner I am TOO tired, I’m afraid nothing will change that. I walk to work when I can but that doesn’t get me back to the fitness I had before. I’ve been looking at fitting in e.g. squats/starjumps when I use the toilet at work/brush my teeth etc. Not quite the same as having the gift of time for yourself.

Oh, BTW I have tried batch-cooking and never understood why it’s better to sacrifice 2+ precious weekend hours for mid-week gain.

Is everyone else’s life like this and you all just cope better than I do?? Do I have to accept that I need to cut down on sleep if I want to be fit? PLEASE tell me how you manage.

The AIBU is am I ACTUALLY as busy as I feel I am or am I unreasonably finding a normal life particularly difficult.

You have a DH problem. You do everything. He gets time out while you do bath, bed and dinner (FFS, doesn't this make you wild?) He goes to the gym twice a week and working out at home too.

He spends a day with his son but his son still wants you all the time? I bet that is because he isn't engaging with him properly.

He insists on nice dinners - fine, get him to cook them.

Worse - He works part time over four days and you work full time. His sleep needs trump your need for a break and time to wind down. FFS. He has done a total number on you hasn't he? DO NOT have another baby with him. You have two children already

I'm exhausted for you reading this.

Why can't ypur oh cook a dinner ? I think a "I need you to help more with the bath/bedtime routine because u get downtime, don't work, I need it too and you seem to get it more than I do and it's not fair. Also u need to help more with the toddler he's your son too, ypu have equal responsiblity , you did half the work making him so he's your responsiblity, just because I am a woman doesn't mean I should have to 'ask" you to do things with your own son..its sexist and u need to step up, else I'm gonna go a bit nuts and its having a bad impact on my mental health wgich might have an impact on this relationship in the end....."

Agree with lots of advice given about DH doing more and the importance of getting some time for yourself - for your well-being, that is very important.
However, you are F/T in a very demanding sector (my mother is an academic) and you have a toddler; so yes life is going to make you tired. I would seriously consider if this was a situation conducive to another child.
Longer term, would be financially viable to cut costs and one or preferably both of you reduce your working hours? Having kids with both parents working F/T has always looked really tough to me, so I have avoided it, but that does require what people might call 'sacrifices' - though you don't have to see it like in that way.
It sounds like you are doing amazing - but a bit too much!

My DSs seemed to prefer me and I was like you but it had to stop. I had to tell myself that their dad had to do his share and I couldn't do it all. It was that or become overwhelmed with resentment. Men don't tend to offer support so you have to say you can't do tea,bath and bed then cook your tea too. Something has to give. Either husband has to supervise bath or start the tea for you both. If you allow it to continue it will.

And baby no. 2 will increase pressure so you need to sort this now.

Haven’t read all the posts but can DH take toddler for a Saturday morning activity? Mine takes my little boy to football

Putting it bluntly.... husband needs to step up and do more at home and with toddler. He’ll need your guidance to do this in a way that helps you

Ps get a cheap slowcooker and do yourself a favour
And possibly a new oh

I hear you! I am now in a completely different situation about to be divorced with two children 14 and 10. Here are some thoughts:

• could you engineer some decompression time in between work and home it could be as simple as walking between home and work if that is feasible or in the case of my sister I suggested a trip to the gym - only for 20 mins

That way when you arrive at home you are decompressed from work (stage 1)

Additionally as someone who has always even when working or not working taken all the responsibility for the children - maybe it's time to suggest that daddy has some special time - maybe one night a week (at first) to do bath and bedtime?

From the point of view of toddler preference he/she is most clearly most used to you as you have time with him when you are not at work. As someone who failed to do this (but hindsight is 20/20) could you consider that one sat/sun a month its a daddy/child day? That might give him some insight into the relentlessness of keeping a toddler entertained by oneself and the understanding its not like you can fast-track stuff rather that you have to be entirely available and in the moment.

From a work perspective having also worked (admittedly briefly) in HE I understood that they are meant to be pretty good at looking after their staff. I would be more disciplined with yourself at actually taking a lunch break and consciously choose to sit in the sun and eat a sandwich or go for a walk or run.

Honestly you are going to encounter different issues when no 2 child comes along so ideally getting your other half to take on something on the child front now will stand you in good stead later.

This is spoken from experience of - " I wish I had" or if I could give my younger self some advice..

I have tried every combination of working full time, 9 day fortnights, compressed hours, split days etc, etc. My DH is very good at sharing the load but I always struggled with full time work and 2 kids. Could you work 4 days without doing full time hours? Could you work 5 days but make them shorter so you start later/finish earlier. Also I don’t count doing an online shop as downtime or ‘me’ time. Why aren’t you taking a lunch break? Could you use this extra time as flexi? Could you have some time off mid-week to go for a swim or yoga? Could you all eat at tea time with your son and not make a special evening meal? We have never had a separate grown up meal time because it’s easier to all eat together.

Just a thought (stage 2) is getting them to help and appreciate you more and (stage 3) is looking after yourself so you can look after others..

It looks standard for a working parent to me, I agree it’s shit. Don’t know how young you are but I think there is a reason it’s better to be younger when giving birth. It ages you massively having kids.

Another thought - you mention being v tired despite getting sleep - either you could be run down or maybe anaemic? I think sometimes it's the sense of being on a continual hamster wheel that never stops.. which is fine as long as your other half is also on it and not giving the wheel a good kick?

I would seriously get him to do some cooking you seem to be taking on a lot of the home responsibility

Just to say, OP, hats off to you. You are working very bloody hard. sounds like you’ve coped very well with a lot of stress and demands on you. I’d say it would be very wise for you to try and eek out some time for yourself -for rest and play- and richly deserved . Hope you can find a way

I haven't read all the replies so am probably saying what others have said. I think yes it is normal, but your partner isn't pulling his weight. You need to tell him that he needs to spend time alone with your son. Both for your mental wellbeing and because he needs to develop a dad-son relationship, not just be the ancillary parent. Todder may prefer you but he needs to learn to be happy and secure spending time with his other parent too. Maybe your partner needs to find some specific activities to do with your son that will be enjoyable for them both - a toy, game, activity like swimming, going to the park, etc.

Meals: nobody should 'complain' if their partner is cooking them nice meals. I'd suggest that you both eat with your son at 6/6.30. It takes a while to get used to, both for your son to get used to eating adult food or for you and your partner to get used to a mealtime where you're also entertaining a toddler rather than just adult chat, but it does save a huge amount of time because you don't have to start cooking once your son is in bed.

Re batch cooking, it's not nec about spending time at the weekend preparing huge vats of pasta sauce (or whatever). Unless you're having something that just doesn't keep, prepare double every night, then either freeze the extra, save it in the fridge for a couple of days later or turn the leftovers into a different meal the next day. At least that makes 2-3 days a week much easier to cater for. If you don't already do it, plan a week's meals in advance. Or try one of the ingredients/recipe delivery boxes like Gousto.

Sleep: you don't have to go to sleep at the same time as your partner. If you want to stay up for another hour, do so.

waste of time cooking twice,cook once,then reheat for adults dinner if u need to eat separately.

I had this, and I think you're feeling burned out because of the massive expectations on you.
The problem is I allowed my toddlers preference for me to be indulged all the time when actually it is not harmful to set boundaries for yourself. As long as they are with an adult who cares for them and lets them 'want mummy' it won't do them any harm at all. I went on to have DC2 with all this and it was very difficult and looking back now I think I became depressed as I was so overwhelmed. Agree with pp saying try to make steps to prevent this now before you become pregnant. It's great that you're recognising it now.

Tenderoni

Single mum to four kids with 5 part time jobs over the years, taking kids with me to some of the jobs when they were small, working weekends, have worked Christmas new year and bank holidays. No relatives nearby some help from friends. Your schedule sounds quite nice! You could easily slip a couple of workouts in of an evening. Other mums may be willing to have your son to give you some more time without him, maybe a single mum who will greatly appreciate you returning the favour! Only has to be an hour on a weekend. I hope you eat whilst working and you don’t have to go to bed at the same time as your husband every night. I never used to even sit down til 10pm most nights coz I used to iron for other people in the evenings. Make sure you eat during the day and make some suggestions to hubby re taking son swimming or similar. If you add to your brood remember you will have less time than you have now! Good luck xx

Some suggestions.

1. Eat together. It's good for your toddler, means you spend more time together as a family and frees you up later - ditch the excuses on that one.
2. Make double dinners and freeze. Why spend 2 hours at the weekend when on an evening you cook from scratch you could make double?
3. Book a night class - exercise or hobby and commit to it. Get Husband on board and make it your time.
4. Try an find a class/club/hobby your husband and toddler can do together.
5. Don't bathe each night, no need.
6. Encourage toddler to play alone for small time frames each day. Start with 5 minutes, increase slowly. Set up an activity station to keep them occupied with sensory or creative play?

tenderoni ACADEMIC HERE!!
I’ve been off work sick due to mental health problems mainly because I was trapped in the same cycle that you are in now.

Firstly, most people don’t get that being in an academic job means that some times we’re doing 50h week plus emails and late nights to get our work done to the students’ demands and schedules. I know how hard it is, I commute for work and have a baby, so hear me out :)

First, you have to carve time for yourself and need to agree on a routine with your DH.
You should have days when you both care for your child for play, tea, bath time / story time/ bed time so he sees both of you involved. Then each have some days where you do this on your own. My husband usually has Mondays and Thursdays for himself. I have Wednesdays and Fridays. On the other days we do the baby routine together. This means that whoever is “on duty” also sorts dinner out. It works really well! My husband wasn’t able to cook at all when we started out, but now he has a few easy meals in his portfolio :D This will make tour DH more appreciative of what you do, trust me!

I was knackered before, and truth be told,
Some days are harder than others - I just do more at work than DH, I’m the one who plans stuff, does the online shopping, does the baby’s laundry and buys his food (he’s just turned 1y).
If your DH isn’t on board, try spending 2 or 3 weekdays in bed due to exhaustion and see how he changes his tune...
Also, don’t be shy to ask work to re-evaluate your workload - get the union on board and a senior colleague, perhaps the one who does your annual appraisal?
Good luck! Feel free to PM me if you want, happy to share experiences! :)

tenderoni - you realise the only time you mention eating is at 8/8.30pm every day? Besides being unhealthy to have your main meal of the day so late, I'm not surprised you're tired if that's the case. Your blood sugar levels must be all over the place and your body knackered in the evening trying to digest a sudden onslaught of food after a day of famine. With the sort of work you do, you could structure your day much better, incorporating healthier eating patterns and rest breaks to ensure a more steady use of energy, instead of aiming for total wipeout by the end of the day.

My life is like this - I get no time for self care or social life. I have an 18
Month old and 4.5 year old ( asc) . It’s bloody hard.

Get over yourself pet. That's a normal life. At least you have help from dh. Pull yourself together and re think baby number 2 you can't cope.

Hi, first of all, sorry you are feeling the pressure

You are doing so well to keep everything going. Lots of good advice on here but also people telling you to get rid of DH is not really that helpful, practical and I’m assuming you love each other.

1.Naturally as children get older & more independent it does get easier, but if you are trying for another definitely make changes to your routine beforehand.

2.Try to get a lunch break, if only 30 minutes at first. I work with academics and it’s a myth that it’s easier than a commercial job - pressure on deadlines/research/surveys/standards/rankings/increasing student numbers and that’s before any actual teaching happens!

But that said, you can’t function properly without a break in the middle of the day. Fresh air and a walk does wonders for your mind.

1. DH - if you haven’t already, talk to him openly about how you are feeling. Find a way to share the chores. Tell him what you need doing, strangely despite having responsible jobs, most men need actual instructions about home jobs. My DH does his fair share but he’ll still stride over multiple objects on the stairs rather than just see they are there and take them upstairs. My DH also does the school run twice a week as I start work early those days but still needs to be told to remember DS’s water bottle/lunch/sun cream. Joking about this to colleagues, I am not alone.

1. I’ve been practising yoga for as long as I can remember - I highly recommend it. Strengthening flow yoga is toning and the breathing techniques are very calming. 1 hour a week and I float out of my class feeling recharged. I also swim once a week and also a great mind-clearer. INSIST to your DH that you get time for this or similar.

1. Me & DH are also foodies but during the week something has to give- we buy fresh meat/fish and freeze it. Salmon/chopped salad/sweet potato wedges (homemade) or chicken/couscous/mange tout as well of a couple of quality ready meals/Thai are the kind of things we have alongside slow cooker meal/spaghetti Bol during the week.

1. Contrary to everyone else’s suggestion of going to bed at separate times - DO go to bed together but half an hour later. If you do all of the above you will also get extra chill time earlier in the eve. Sorry to be personal but are you still having sex fairly often? (Thinking TTC so prob yes) If the answer is yes then great but by going to bed at separate times will kill that part of your relationship and maybe cause other problems. If me & DH went to bed separately we’d lose that intimacy, and sometimes I just am too tired but a little bit of loving is just the antidote to a hard day. You’ll fancy him even more if he pulls his weight. Strangely I feel like getting saucy if DH has got the ironing board out to do an hour of ironing (he does it while watching TV) while I’ve been doing dinner/ kitchen tidying. I think you feel more valued & loved if your DH is respecting you by sharing life duties with you.

Good luck & hope you are able to get more balance xxx

I havent read all the replies so this might have been covered already @tenderoni but I think people often underestimate how stressful academic jobs can be, they can be relentless with pressures coming from so many different places.

You need to find a better balance at work - as a first priority you need a proper lunch break, away from your desk. This might be a good time to fit in some exercise if that is something you find you would like to do. Start by just getting out for a short work and a bite to eat.

In the longer term you should think about reducing your hours at work, though in reality that often means having the same workload but for less money which wont help your work life balance much. Also make sure you are also using your holiday allowance - we have it for a reason.

Dinners - pasta, stir frys, gnocchi, salads etc are absolutely fine so do the fastest food you can. Dont stress about this, start cooking earlier so you can have some more down time after eating. If your husband doesnt like it he can start pitching in with the cooking.

On your days off try to get some time for yourself - let hubby take care of things and meet a friend for coffee, go for a run/swim/walk, anything basically that isnt about you being Mum or an academic.