Is my life actually too busy or am I just not coping?

[tenderoni]

I'd really appreciate some opinions. I feel like I'm constantly on the go, I never prioritise my needs, and I struggle if I have to fit in anything on top of 'normal life' (like when work gets really busy, or even something that should be nice, like booking a holiday). I'd really like to fit in regular exercise and eat better but I can't for the life of me see how. I just feel busy busy busy (and not in an "I'm so important and I’m showing off" type of way, more like it's affecting my mental health and wellbeing). I'll try to include relevant details.

I have a toddler, a husband, a full-time academic job (compressed hours so that I can spend a day a week with my son). My husband works 4 days and spends one day a week with our boy. I'm late 30s, and we're also trying to conceive number 2. Our wider family love spending time with our son, but don’t have him on their own, they’re not really close enough to babysit unless it’s an emergency. I've had busy periods at work where I've had to pick up work again after my son is in bed - I find that really hard. We've had some bad periods of night-waking but that all seems fine now. My worry is that I'm still finding even normal life very hard when work isn't ridiculous and our son is sleeping through.

WORKING DAYS:
5.45 - get up, get dressed and showered, while entertaining toddler (if he’s awake)
6.45 - leave for work, start work at 7.30 (husband does breakfast and drop-off)
NO lunchbreak – I do have a bit too much on at work and we’re trying to sort this.
4.45 - leave work, pick up toddler, play, tea etc.
6/6.30 - wind down for bath, bed
7/7.30 - toddler in bed, start dinner
8/8.30 - eat dinner with husband, watch TV or do jobs, or both if online shop etc.
9.30/10 - bed

NON-WORKING DAYS
Wake around 6.30, play, lunch etc.
Toddler does nap for up to 1hr 15 mins. I'll either do jobs or sit and read/watch TV/rest.

We have a cleaner every 2 weeks which is fab and reduces those jobs massively. My toddler VERY much prefers me, which means if I'm in the house I'm expected by both husband and toddler to be involved in anything toddler-related. Toddler is 2.5 and really not into independent play so pretty full-on.

Husband doesn't do 50/50 partly due to toddler-preference, but we have a reasonable split of jobs around the house. BUT he does get down time every night before I do because I will always do toddler tea, play, bath, bed (husband will come in and out), AND then I'll cook our dinner. So he might have had a nice sit down and be relaxed already by the time I stop around 8/8.30 to eat. I'm a pretty good cook and there's an expectation that we have "nice" dinners. I don't cook anything on a weeknight that would take longer than 30mins, but I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often. I prefer it when we manage to eat early all together as that means more time in the evening for me to rest/relax/do jobs/do something for myself, but time-wise that’s difficult to fit in and impossible to maintain the same meals. Husband does workouts at home and goes to the gym a couple of times a week. At the weekends we generally have some family time going out somewhere all together, then I’ll spend the rest of the time with our boy and husband gets some time to himself. We seem to have fallen into a routine where he doesn’t do much on his own with our toddler unless I specifically ask, so it feels like a bit of a struggle to get time to myself at the weekends. I get that this is somewhere to start the changes I need. ALSO husband is the one who wants to go to sleep by 9.30/10pm. If it were up to me I'd probably go to sleep at 10.30 and have an extra half hour down time.

Since becoming a mum I also really miss time alone, which might be influencing the way I feel. I am drained by constant time with other people but will go weeks without time to myself to decompress. Mithered at work, then full-on with toddler, then it feels like no time at all until bed.

Is this just the way it is with a small child? Other factors - being an older parent, having a full-on job, having my son want specifically me all the time. I’m very tired despite generally getting a good amount of sleep, and I’d just really like to see to my own needs a bit more. I used to be very fit (am not now) and I’m envious when I read of people on mumsnet going to the gym or for a run because I just think how? When? Practically, I tried doing a hiit before work (5.15 start) and it just woke up my boy early. And after dinner I am TOO tired, I’m afraid nothing will change that. I walk to work when I can but that doesn’t get me back to the fitness I had before. I’ve been looking at fitting in e.g. squats/starjumps when I use the toilet at work/brush my teeth etc. Not quite the same as having the gift of time for yourself.

Oh, BTW I have tried batch-cooking and never understood why it’s better to sacrifice 2+ precious weekend hours for mid-week gain.

Is everyone else’s life like this and you all just cope better than I do?? Do I have to accept that I need to cut down on sleep if I want to be fit? PLEASE tell me how you manage.

The AIBU is am I ACTUALLY as busy as I feel I am or am I unreasonably finding a normal life particularly difficult.

I'm here to agree with previous posters; your DH needs to step up. He sounds very similar to how mine was at that stage: either through laziness or fear of failing my DH shrank into the background with DD - and as I'd always done the cooking (he did other stuff) I too ended up exhausted, burnt out and resentful.

My advice to you and my former self would be: make DH do alternate toddler bedtimes. You are actually doing them both a disservice by doing everything - their relationship will never improve if they don't spend time together. OnDH's first few nights leave the house. Even if this means driving round the corner and watching Tv on your phone for an hour. Leave them to it. That way DH does not have a witness to any failings and he has chance to resolve things by himself; I'm sure he's capable.

Cook some things like spag Bol, lasagne and shepherds pie meat for the freezer and get some ready mash in the fridge for when you serve it up. Make your meal times easier. When he gets used to doing alternate bedtimes move him on to alternate cooking too. He can always buy a ready meal one night a week (Co-op Thai Green curry is nice!) - or so can you! No fancy cooking from you on your bedtime night.

Certainly your career will not survive a second baby if he doesn't step up. I speak from experience. Don't let it get to the point where you grow to resent him and think exactly what IS the point of having him around...

You do bath & bed he does tea can't do both! Have a couple of nights for your gym, Hubby and toddler will have to get used to , start as you mean to go on as if another little one comes along your gonna feel ten times worse . If hubby has gym time then you must too. You both work full time = you both share the chores

My running club on a Sunday morning at 9am is a total sanity saver, and leaves the rest of the day free for family things /housework /whatever. I also recommend a slow cooker so dinner is waiting and you can eat together earlier. It's a mega busy time with little ones, sounds like you're doing a great job but you need to take your foot off the gas sometimes🍹🙌

I can't believe there are still so many men out there who don't believe in 50:50 parenting. Alternate bedtimes is the least he should be doing. He's taking the piss.

Have a regular hobby or exercise class you go to where you walk out the door with just your keys in your hand and say 'cheerio darling'. Its very liberating just to be alone doing something purely for yourself.

And it takes 1 & half mins to empty dishwasher.

We all eat together at about 6 - kids are older so not needing feeding any earlier. When they were younger, would cook earlier and they would eat. I would sometimes eat with them, saving dh a portion for when he got home, or alternatively would just cook for them and later on I’d have something simply like eggs on toast, a sandwich or something. Dh would sort his own food out. Or we’d eat same as dcs only later. I love cooking. But not catering. So weekends would be the time when I would make more effort with evening meals. But dh would always cook one of Saturday/Sunday meals.

Always took turns at bath time. Then whoever wasn’t doing the bath would read to them.

I go to bed when I want. As does dh. Sometimes at the same time, sometimes not.

From reading your posts it seems like you’re stretched too thin. You’re cooking twice, doing the bath and bed for your toddler. And not getting downtime. This needs to change by getting your husband to step up and play a larger role in the evening routine IMO. It’s all very well being unselfish but it’s a short step from that to keeping everyone else happy while you run yourself ragged.

Whoever is doing toddler night time routine the other cooks and dad really needs to take his turn even if it causes a bit of a fuss with the little one at first. Ok so you might be a better cook but that doesn’t mean you have to cook every night get your other half to get on board with cooking.
As others have said have a night each where one can go and do an hour sport or whatever even if this means chucking a nice ready meal in.
Lower standards go less hours if you can afford it and work will allow. This might be hard but otherwise burn out is on the cards.
It gets better as they get older but the jobs and their life/school admin can still take up most of the evening.

I think you could put yourself under less pressure about meals. Beans or egg on toast, stir fry and pasta dishes, casseroles etc are perfectly fine meals and toddler friendly. If your husband doesn’t want to eat with you and little one he can eat his on his own. Then your evening could start earlier and you could relax? Your days are long and hard enough, if your husband is not happy with meal options he can always cook something or save the more fancy stuff for weekends. You don’t have to do it all every day, go a bit easier on yourself

Good luck with the conversation op.

Oh my word! I actually thought it was me writing your post, except our child is just over 1!

It is exceptionally hard work. Our DD doesn’t sleep through yet but i really hope it gets easier :(

Sorry OP, but it sounds like you have a husband problem. He's way too demanding for someone who does sweet fuck all around the house or with your son. All childcare and household chores need to be 50:50 if you are both working. And you are an adult, you can go to bed when you damn like, who cares if you interrupt his precious sleep?!?! Tell him what he needs to do,like he he needs to cook the meals while you do the bedtime stuff with ds, or he can do the bedtime routine,whatever suits. He doesn't get to sit on his arse while you run yourself into the ground. Actually a bit fuming for you!

I was in a similar situation a couple of years back. My ex expected dinners.

Honestly splitting up was the greatest relief - no more of this massive cooking effort!

So get him cooking while you put child to bed. OR get him to do bath time. My ex also claimed the children preferred me. (How handy for him!) luckily this is not set in stone. This is where you are losing your evenings - you’re don’t two big jobs after your day job, every night.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. I could have written this 18 months ago.

I started going out on an evening once a week (made sure hubby would put her to bed and they both got used to it very quickly). Could you do that and do some exercise. Stick with it though. They really can manage without you

Counselling - to look at what you are bringing to this - feeling you need to do the lions share, struggling to detach from your little one, issues with partner.

Don’t be too hard on yourself - this is a very difficult age for a little one. Society is also so fast paced. Any option to reduce hours?

Sign them up for a week-end class? Something to help them bond, that they can enjoy together. Toddler football or something of the sort. You get that regular space in the house on your own. Be explicit with your partner that this is what you need.

Be very clear with work about the lunch break

We didn’t conceive until I addressed some of these things and the darkness started to lift.

Good luck! Xx

Why is your husband not preparing dinner when you are dealing with your toddler? If he doesn't know how there are millions of cookery books available to buy and also YouTube he can access.

Why does he get gym time/downtime whilst you are running around in circles? That doesn't sound like an equal split to me - and surely this will all get worse for you (not him) if you become pregnant and also dealing with everything you currently are?

Oh and you need easier meals. Also does your little one need a proper dinner in days he has been in childcare? Depending on what he gets when he is there

I feel you and I feel the same, I'm a single parent to four. Work 2 12 hour shifts and 2 days a week at uni. The day I'm not working I have a toddler at home, have the house, shopping and assignments to do. I'm up at 5:30 getting kids up and ready for drop off at half 7. Get in some nights at 8 and others 5 then have to do tea etc.
Weekends are taken up by football and swimming ect. I rarely get a day to just chill and I'm exhausted.
I feel your pain. I literally have zero spare time.

Sounds usual for most folk. Your DH does though need to be shown where the kitchen is. If simple meals through the week there must be something he could produce whilst you are doing the bath etc. Also, why always you at bedtime? Your DS has obviously become accustomed to his routine with you but there is no reason why DS couldn't gradually become used to DH doing bath routine. You have succumbed to set roles and routines. Do you actually think you would manage with another child when having only 1 is so demanding for you. Think how little time you will have with DS 1 when you have another to cope with.

OP, it doesn’t matter if that’s ‘normal’ (what’s normal anyway), but it sounds like you are struggling. Please talk to you DH and explain, or if you feel you can’t find a friend or call the Samaritans. I have suffered with stress and anxiety in the past, and it’s so important to talk to someone; things can so easily snowball and build up.
Big hug

Hubby should do bath / bedtime on his own equal amount of time. Bath reading & bed makes a good parent relationship.
I did about 80% of bedtimes n reading (&nappies) but admittedly only maybe 15% of dinners unless wife is ill.
Now I will have to generalise
MEN DON'T PICK UP Hints even ones you think are obvious.
If your very cunning give him the problem and ask for suggestions (trade secret men love fixing something it gives a great feeling of smugness)
Enough generalisation. Good Luck

Sinkgirl, I totally get the brain rewiring. I think when you have kids it happens, kids with extra needs even more. Do you get DLA? You would be entitled I'm positive.

Sorry OP, derailing. Agree with others, share it out more evenly. You're doing an amazing job - take care you don't burn out (she says, got the chronic fatigue t shirt here). Try to get some down time, not just fitness but whatever allows you to relax a bit. Our bodies and brains need it x

This will NOT last, I promise! Your child is still quite small and, as you have said, prefers you. They will grow and get out of this phase.

BUT dh needs to step up a bit here. If him doing bath/bed isn't possible then he should be cooking. Although check that your insistence on doing the bedtime routine isn't because it makes you feel special. Maybe he could do it once a week so DC gets used to him. Or maybe he does the bath and then you put to bed?

Whatever … he needs to realise that you also have to have time out … and you may have to be very blunt about this and spell it out for him cos, at the moment, he has a very cushy easy life!

Carve out time for yourself on the weekend and make him get involved during the week. The more you are the 'go-to' for your toddler, the more you'll get stuck with it - he needs to step up and in

We were in a similar situation (altho DH was willing but couldn't seem to shift his arse and do something about it until I laid it out ) what works for us is:

• DH and I both have equal time to ourselves on the weekend, where the other takes DS. Its usually ~2 hour window which allows either of us enough time to go the gym, shop, fanny around online etc. We plan this a week in advance so everyone has fair warning - if we don't make it happen, then its our own fault
• I now leave the house when the above happens as otherwise I get dragged back into the dynamic. This pisses me off as I want quiet time in the house, but I've given up on it for now!
• I usually do bath, DH does bed for DS (I'm currently not working tho and he gets home late - its a ton easier now DS is older but I hated bathtime when he was younger)
• I cook as DH is crap at it and its like watching paint dry seeing him try to get a meal on the table. He doesn't expect me to cook tho, and we've agreed ~3 nights a week we'll get our own dinner, which is helped by me leaving for the gym or something after I do DS bath. DH prefers home cooked food (dont we all..) but I've started shoving ready meals out a couple of times a week. The rest of it, is either easy (stir fry or fish) and I do a couple of big cooks a month for stuff like spaghetti bol that gives us 1-2 meals a week we can just defrost
• you need to break the reliance on you for toddler preference by saying "ok, these 2 nights every week I'll be out at 7.30, you can put toddler to bed etc and get your own tea" and leave it at that. DON'T offer to get DH dinner etc - the only way (in my experience) they realize how bloody hard and knackering it is, is to make them do it

a lot of this is awful, your DH isn't doing nearly enough

but this made my jaw drop

" I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often. "

fuck me, he's not even sharing the chores properly and gets annoyed about perfectly reasonable dinners?! I hope you have serious words.

I think you shouldn't underestimate how hard an academic job is. Trying to do a full time academic job in compressed hours is pretty tough. I tried to do it part-time and that didn't work either. In my case, I think I then tried to do a lot at home too as I felt guilty and missed the kids - and since academic work is flexible with timings- you could theoretically "do it all". I did a lot of work in the middle of the night.

I think the idea of regular exercise away from the house is a good one. And maybe switch back to shorter days. Definitely share the bedtime/cooking thing too. And a 20 minute walk at lunchtime would be helpful and would probably increase rather than decrease productivity. [I quit academia by the way - a drastic but liberating option!]

Sorry more from me. I do think looking at how you got to this might really help you. You sound like a high achiever who is used to pushing yourself and probably used to just pushing through. For me I had real issues around expressing my needs which I had managed fine by meeting my own needs before children but was impossible after. What model of parenting did you experience? Is it really important for you to demonstrate to yourself how well you can cope?

I hope you manage to find the space you need xx