Is my life actually too busy or am I just not coping?

[tenderoni]

I'd really appreciate some opinions. I feel like I'm constantly on the go, I never prioritise my needs, and I struggle if I have to fit in anything on top of 'normal life' (like when work gets really busy, or even something that should be nice, like booking a holiday). I'd really like to fit in regular exercise and eat better but I can't for the life of me see how. I just feel busy busy busy (and not in an "I'm so important and I’m showing off" type of way, more like it's affecting my mental health and wellbeing). I'll try to include relevant details.

I have a toddler, a husband, a full-time academic job (compressed hours so that I can spend a day a week with my son). My husband works 4 days and spends one day a week with our boy. I'm late 30s, and we're also trying to conceive number 2. Our wider family love spending time with our son, but don’t have him on their own, they’re not really close enough to babysit unless it’s an emergency. I've had busy periods at work where I've had to pick up work again after my son is in bed - I find that really hard. We've had some bad periods of night-waking but that all seems fine now. My worry is that I'm still finding even normal life very hard when work isn't ridiculous and our son is sleeping through.

WORKING DAYS:
5.45 - get up, get dressed and showered, while entertaining toddler (if he’s awake)
6.45 - leave for work, start work at 7.30 (husband does breakfast and drop-off)
NO lunchbreak – I do have a bit too much on at work and we’re trying to sort this.
4.45 - leave work, pick up toddler, play, tea etc.
6/6.30 - wind down for bath, bed
7/7.30 - toddler in bed, start dinner
8/8.30 - eat dinner with husband, watch TV or do jobs, or both if online shop etc.
9.30/10 - bed

NON-WORKING DAYS
Wake around 6.30, play, lunch etc.
Toddler does nap for up to 1hr 15 mins. I'll either do jobs or sit and read/watch TV/rest.

We have a cleaner every 2 weeks which is fab and reduces those jobs massively. My toddler VERY much prefers me, which means if I'm in the house I'm expected by both husband and toddler to be involved in anything toddler-related. Toddler is 2.5 and really not into independent play so pretty full-on.

Husband doesn't do 50/50 partly due to toddler-preference, but we have a reasonable split of jobs around the house. BUT he does get down time every night before I do because I will always do toddler tea, play, bath, bed (husband will come in and out), AND then I'll cook our dinner. So he might have had a nice sit down and be relaxed already by the time I stop around 8/8.30 to eat. I'm a pretty good cook and there's an expectation that we have "nice" dinners. I don't cook anything on a weeknight that would take longer than 30mins, but I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often. I prefer it when we manage to eat early all together as that means more time in the evening for me to rest/relax/do jobs/do something for myself, but time-wise that’s difficult to fit in and impossible to maintain the same meals. Husband does workouts at home and goes to the gym a couple of times a week. At the weekends we generally have some family time going out somewhere all together, then I’ll spend the rest of the time with our boy and husband gets some time to himself. We seem to have fallen into a routine where he doesn’t do much on his own with our toddler unless I specifically ask, so it feels like a bit of a struggle to get time to myself at the weekends. I get that this is somewhere to start the changes I need. ALSO husband is the one who wants to go to sleep by 9.30/10pm. If it were up to me I'd probably go to sleep at 10.30 and have an extra half hour down time.

Since becoming a mum I also really miss time alone, which might be influencing the way I feel. I am drained by constant time with other people but will go weeks without time to myself to decompress. Mithered at work, then full-on with toddler, then it feels like no time at all until bed.

Is this just the way it is with a small child? Other factors - being an older parent, having a full-on job, having my son want specifically me all the time. I’m very tired despite generally getting a good amount of sleep, and I’d just really like to see to my own needs a bit more. I used to be very fit (am not now) and I’m envious when I read of people on mumsnet going to the gym or for a run because I just think how? When? Practically, I tried doing a hiit before work (5.15 start) and it just woke up my boy early. And after dinner I am TOO tired, I’m afraid nothing will change that. I walk to work when I can but that doesn’t get me back to the fitness I had before. I’ve been looking at fitting in e.g. squats/starjumps when I use the toilet at work/brush my teeth etc. Not quite the same as having the gift of time for yourself.

Oh, BTW I have tried batch-cooking and never understood why it’s better to sacrifice 2+ precious weekend hours for mid-week gain.

Is everyone else’s life like this and you all just cope better than I do?? Do I have to accept that I need to cut down on sleep if I want to be fit? PLEASE tell me how you manage.

The AIBU is am I ACTUALLY as busy as I feel I am or am I unreasonably finding a normal life particularly difficult.

Cutting down on sleep is not sustainable in the long term. I think you need to take your lunch break-if there is too much work it is your employer's problem, not yours. Also, if your husband gets to go to the gym, you should also be able to do so.

tenderoni I’ll be honest, I look at it now and think how the hell did I do it? But I’ve since been diagnosed with fibro, hyper mobility syndrome and bipolar (along with other things!) so I’m on 32 tablets a day. One side effect and symptom is fatigue! Lol so now even the smallest of tasks takes me ages, but I’m beginning to think that partly it’s due to the fact that I’m not working, the children are now 19 & 14, so they are independent. I’m 38, so had my children young- in a way it was a blessing, because of my health deteriorating when it did, if I’d had children at the age my friends did, well I probably wouldn’t have had.

But the reality is, that we adapt to what we are doing. I was lucky that I had a dp and an exdp (eldest sons dad), who both worked with me. Eldest sons dad also worked away, so youngest sons dad, not only juggled my schedule if I was away, but also my ex’s to pick up our son lol. But it worked because I had a dp who done all the ironing, the washing up, put the hoover over, walked the dogs, bathed the kids, fed the kids, played with them, took them for walks and out on their bikes and so on. Where as my salary was 3x his, so he knew my day never ended when I got home. But it was part and parcel. But I loved my job!

Seriously though your partner needs to do a lot more. I think you can see that, and just needed people to tell you that you weren’t being unkind thinking it!

Good luck OP, recognising is half the battle I suppose.

I need a lot of downtime but not every day, I also like things to be of a certain standard. My management of this is fairly easy and practised after years of doing it but I started out literally planning out everything that needed done and putting a colour coded timetable on the fridge.

Everyday chores, a weekly chore a day so weekends weren't spent catching up with cleaning, clubs/classes, and a gold star rule that nobody sits down til it is all done. Once you get into time management it can become quite addictive This habit also means it is really easy for growing dc to learn their own chores and if you outsource with nannies or homehelp at busy times they can follow the same house timetable and it just gets done. Team house not slave mother.

There is also a shopping list, gets added to whenever anything runs out, we always have milk in the freezer as a back up.

Lots of people do home lists and diaries on their phones too.

My favourite book on this is very old and has a terrible title but it is full of wisdom, you could buy it for your dp since he is the one with most home time to implement it.

www.goodreads.com/book/show/87531.Confessions_of_an_Organized_Homemaker

You are right to get ahead of this now in the baby years.

You need to sit down with your husband and tell him, not ask that he needs to do 50% of the household chores and childcare. So what that your toddler prefers you, he will come round once your husband starts doing his fare share and bonding more with his son.

Also he needs to be cooking the tea 3-4 times per week. Why should you do it all? Its not fair I'd say he has to change or that was it. I cant stand idle men.

I feel like I'm constantly on the go, I never prioritise my needs, and I struggle if I have to fit in anything on top of 'normal life'.....we're also trying to conceive number 2

Where's your head at? Why try for number 2 when you're struggling to manage life with just one?
Your husband is not going to suddenly buckle up and act like a more supportive partner when number 2 comes along - it will be you doing it all and 'nagging' him to pull his weight/give you downtime.

I'd hold off on trying for number 2 until he's proved he's changed and your life is a lot easier.

I think you need to have a good think about what you both want from life. You can't really have a full time academic job AND do everything at home for 2 young children. So either you need to sacrifice the job (I appreciate it's hard to go PT in academia) or your husband will need to reduce his hours and do more at home, or you will need to pay someone to pick up some of the childcare. e.g. would 5 shorter days be better, with a lunch break, and either your husband works one fewer day or son goes in nursery an extra day. Then you would have time for exercise at lunchtime plus get home earlier so have more time then.
Obviously DH could do a bit more at home as well, but I think it's about you both enjoying life as well as dividing the work equally. It would be sad if you felt stressed and fed up throughout these precious years when your son is young. Having a child shouldn't mean neither of you get to enjoy any time away from the family.

I do think you need to let go of comparing whether you do the same amount, or more, or less, than someone else in a different family.

We achieve very little during the week, I'm PT and still we're exhausted and overwhelmed. One of our children is autistic but he was only diagnosed at age 8. At 2 or 3 he was incredibly full on but we couldn't say "our child has SEN", he was just a toddler and we were struggling to get the normal amount of stuff done. Someone else popping up and saying they manage to do what we did plus batch cooking and exercise is just unhelpful. What we do running our households and bringing up our children is not easily reduced to a tick box list. None of us have walked a mile in your shoes. If it's too much it's too much, this is not something we need to compete over.

The issue of your DH not doing his bit is separate to that of course.

Hi OP,
I think it's likely that both you and your partner have played your part in getting into this situation - your toddler prefers you so he gets you and that preference and expectation grows stronger, and you are the better cook so cook? You really don't need to be Gordon Ramsey to throw together a midweek family meal.

I agree with the loads of good suggestions about taking turns, or one doing bath time and one cook etc. You and hubby need to talk it out and agree what you are going to try so that you both know where you stand.

My son is 16 months and quickly switches his preference for mum or dad depending on who has been at home with him or work and I'm sure your child will quickly adapt.

I think it would give you a real boost to do one activity each week for you (for a start you could build up to more) and I would find something formal so you commit to go whether it's a running club, exercise class or to meet a friend on a set night of the week. I think you are making the mistake of thinking when it is calm, quiet, it suits everybody else and there is time I will do something for me.

Instead imagine the day and family life as a bubbling stream that is not going to stop. Your plans can be a brick in that water. You make your plan, you stick to it and your family life bubbles on around your plan. You do the same for your husband when he goes to the gym. Overtime get more and more bricks in the water if you want - for you and your husband.

Don't concern yourself too much if your activity is after this meal time or that bedtime. As long as hubby is looking after your child let them get on with it. Perhaps that is the night when mummy goes to running club and they eat fish fingers together - maybe even go to McDonald's- and that is OK! You need to loosen your grip and trust your husband to enjoy your time off.

Perhaps when your child gets their funded 30 hours you can keep them in preschool for a short day or yours and hubby day off to get some head space? I appreciate with your long days you will still need to pay some childcare.

Definitely a DH problem.

Do you ever go out with friends in the evening? For dinner/drinks/cinema?

Your life sounds relentless whilst DH has had minimal change.

I agree with PP you should tell him this all needs to change before you will consider TTC again.

I agree with most of the pp. your DH needs to do a lot more. And stop TTC until you get this sorted. Otherwise you'll be stuck doing even more.

Very well put SunniDay

There are people who are able to manage fine with the sort of schedule you have OP, but I dont think that's the salient point here. It doesn't matter if others can cope, it matters that your DH is taking the piss and that you need the situation sorting before having any more DC.

You don't have to batch cook at weekends. I just always make 2x lots when I'm making certain dishes (shepherds pie, chilli, bolognese sauce, lasagne, fish pie) and chuck one in the freezer before I cook the other one. It takes exactly the same amount of time, but you're giving Future You a little gift in the process.

Then your DH could cook one of those while you're doing tea/bath/bed with the toddler so you came down to a meal.

The word that immediately leapt out at me was husband. You are just perpuating the problem of toddler preferring you. Husband needs to do 50/50 of childcare at home regardless of toddler preferences.

I am disgusted but not surprised that he sits on his arse while his toddler is bathed and his dinner cooked. If you are doing both, you have every right to cook pasta or stir fry every night. He either needs to cook or bath his son.

Perpetuating

DH works fewer hours so needs to be doing MORE than 50% of the domestic chores and childcare - unless his commute is much longer than yours.

Once you have equalised this you may feel better and if not have another reconsideration on buying in more help or perhaps DH reducing his hours further.

Buy a good mattress for your spare room. Many couples have separate rooms. Or perhaps just sleep together at the weekends.

Is your DH also tired or is he thriving at the moment?

I agree that this needs sorting before you add a baby into the mix as it's currently a good recipe for a breakdown.

If he did more he would be more tired and sleep better perhaps.

Can I ask what he is doing in the evening, while you are seeing to the children and cooking a meal?

Agree with many of the posts re the DH problem.

As a practical point, start prepping your dinner while doing the toddler tea (eg chopping vege, marinating meat).

I've spent 10 years managing two children solo on weeknights. There is no way I'd be putting up with any of this if there was another adult in the house to chip in.

I hope now you've written it down you can see where the problem lies OP, that you're responsible for both bedtime and dinner. It doesn't matter if your toddler prefers you, that won't change until your dh steps up. It will be difficult at first but you just need to keep reminding your toddler, no it's daddy's turn tonight mummy's busy. Same on weekends.

I think you need a couple of things that get you out the house, would you enjoy a nice gym that has a pool and jacuzzi etc so you can exercise but also have chill out time.

One night a week you should start doing something like that which will force your dh to get into a bedtime routine.

Then build up.

He also should start cooking one thing a week that is easy and you both enjoy, it's not hard with a recipe book. Then build it up.

But pp are right, it's one thing doing everything if you were a sahm but you're both working ft.

1. Cook one meal you can all eat (or variations of) whilst other parent entertains toddler

1. One person cleans up whilst other does toddler bath and bed

1. Equal split of free time for gym etc

This is what my husband and I do. If I dont want to eat tea when toddler does I plate it up anyway so kitchen can still be tidy and no cooking once son in bed

What you have described is very similar to my life only my dh's job is a lifestyle in itself. I often feel like a single parent but of 3 children instead of 2. I'm exhausted with life in all honesty. I seriously considered giving up my work.

My life was exactly like yours with child1. Child 2 arrived and that ended my career. I tried returning to work, but I just couldn’t cope. I began to get physically ill due to stress.
I don’t have any advise about how to improve your current situation, but I would strongly recommend not making any financial commitments taking your future salary into consideration, esp once baby 2 arrives.

You have a DH problem. I don't work so it is different but my DH does way more than yours does. We have just had baby #2 and you must sort this before you have another. Right now my husband is basically in charge of the toddler while I deal with the baby.

Your toddler preferring you is a self-fulfilling circle too. The more you and your DH just let you deal with your toddler, then more he will want you, etc etc. You need to insist on time out when you are not an option. They need to develop a relationship on their own, it will benefit both of them.

In our house dinner is prepped and whoever is out of the bedroom (DH out of DD's room or me out of our room from settling DS) in the evening cooks dinner. We are quite partial to tuna/egg mayo sandwiches with a side of salad and crisps though 😬

I’m amazed at this. Your husband is being an absolute lazy bastard.

No nice way of dressing it up, “he could do more...” etc etc. He’s working less than you and doing less than you, having more free time than you AND dictating your fucking bedtime? Do you actually think he doesn’t realise all of this and just needs a gentle nudge?? Ahh, he empties the dishwasher while you do bath, play, bedtime and then cook a big meal? He’s taking the piss out of you and knows it!

Unfortunately there a plenty of threads where a mum of two or three kids is complaining about how lazy her DP/DH is and sooner or later someone will say - why did you have more than one child with this man?
Having one child is like keeping a pet. More than one is like running a zoo. (Not my quote but true).