Is my life actually too busy or am I just not coping?

[tenderoni]

I'd really appreciate some opinions. I feel like I'm constantly on the go, I never prioritise my needs, and I struggle if I have to fit in anything on top of 'normal life' (like when work gets really busy, or even something that should be nice, like booking a holiday). I'd really like to fit in regular exercise and eat better but I can't for the life of me see how. I just feel busy busy busy (and not in an "I'm so important and I’m showing off" type of way, more like it's affecting my mental health and wellbeing). I'll try to include relevant details.

I have a toddler, a husband, a full-time academic job (compressed hours so that I can spend a day a week with my son). My husband works 4 days and spends one day a week with our boy. I'm late 30s, and we're also trying to conceive number 2. Our wider family love spending time with our son, but don’t have him on their own, they’re not really close enough to babysit unless it’s an emergency. I've had busy periods at work where I've had to pick up work again after my son is in bed - I find that really hard. We've had some bad periods of night-waking but that all seems fine now. My worry is that I'm still finding even normal life very hard when work isn't ridiculous and our son is sleeping through.

WORKING DAYS:
5.45 - get up, get dressed and showered, while entertaining toddler (if he’s awake)
6.45 - leave for work, start work at 7.30 (husband does breakfast and drop-off)
NO lunchbreak – I do have a bit too much on at work and we’re trying to sort this.
4.45 - leave work, pick up toddler, play, tea etc.
6/6.30 - wind down for bath, bed
7/7.30 - toddler in bed, start dinner
8/8.30 - eat dinner with husband, watch TV or do jobs, or both if online shop etc.
9.30/10 - bed

NON-WORKING DAYS
Wake around 6.30, play, lunch etc.
Toddler does nap for up to 1hr 15 mins. I'll either do jobs or sit and read/watch TV/rest.

We have a cleaner every 2 weeks which is fab and reduces those jobs massively. My toddler VERY much prefers me, which means if I'm in the house I'm expected by both husband and toddler to be involved in anything toddler-related. Toddler is 2.5 and really not into independent play so pretty full-on.

Husband doesn't do 50/50 partly due to toddler-preference, but we have a reasonable split of jobs around the house. BUT he does get down time every night before I do because I will always do toddler tea, play, bath, bed (husband will come in and out), AND then I'll cook our dinner. So he might have had a nice sit down and be relaxed already by the time I stop around 8/8.30 to eat. I'm a pretty good cook and there's an expectation that we have "nice" dinners. I don't cook anything on a weeknight that would take longer than 30mins, but I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often. I prefer it when we manage to eat early all together as that means more time in the evening for me to rest/relax/do jobs/do something for myself, but time-wise that’s difficult to fit in and impossible to maintain the same meals. Husband does workouts at home and goes to the gym a couple of times a week. At the weekends we generally have some family time going out somewhere all together, then I’ll spend the rest of the time with our boy and husband gets some time to himself. We seem to have fallen into a routine where he doesn’t do much on his own with our toddler unless I specifically ask, so it feels like a bit of a struggle to get time to myself at the weekends. I get that this is somewhere to start the changes I need. ALSO husband is the one who wants to go to sleep by 9.30/10pm. If it were up to me I'd probably go to sleep at 10.30 and have an extra half hour down time.

Since becoming a mum I also really miss time alone, which might be influencing the way I feel. I am drained by constant time with other people but will go weeks without time to myself to decompress. Mithered at work, then full-on with toddler, then it feels like no time at all until bed.

Is this just the way it is with a small child? Other factors - being an older parent, having a full-on job, having my son want specifically me all the time. I’m very tired despite generally getting a good amount of sleep, and I’d just really like to see to my own needs a bit more. I used to be very fit (am not now) and I’m envious when I read of people on mumsnet going to the gym or for a run because I just think how? When? Practically, I tried doing a hiit before work (5.15 start) and it just woke up my boy early. And after dinner I am TOO tired, I’m afraid nothing will change that. I walk to work when I can but that doesn’t get me back to the fitness I had before. I’ve been looking at fitting in e.g. squats/starjumps when I use the toilet at work/brush my teeth etc. Not quite the same as having the gift of time for yourself.

Oh, BTW I have tried batch-cooking and never understood why it’s better to sacrifice 2+ precious weekend hours for mid-week gain.

Is everyone else’s life like this and you all just cope better than I do?? Do I have to accept that I need to cut down on sleep if I want to be fit? PLEASE tell me how you manage.

The AIBU is am I ACTUALLY as busy as I feel I am or am I unreasonably finding a normal life particularly difficult.

I am also an academic and agree with bookishkitten. Lots of good advice on the thread, particularly about involving dh more, simplifying family meals etc.

But I would also encourage you to perhaps consider therapy. What’s jumped out at me from your posts is a kind of self-punishing perfectionism, also in low stakes situations):doing bedtime AND cooking dinner, not having a lunch break to maximise work time, not sleep in your bed as not to disturb dh. It’s like you want to be the perfect wife, worker, mum. From someone who has been there: try and address this before it eats you up.

all the families I know where both partners work full time ate supper as a family, ie toddler eats a bit later and parents eat a bit earlier..than nursery tea or grownup supper. so supper at 6.30. Then one person did the washing up whilst the other puts toddler (or in most cases, more than one child) to bed. Then everything is cleared and toddler/children in bed by 8pm and lots of downtime. It means sacrificing grownup supper but it had the added advantage of making meals simpler!! In the end the children tended to eat more interesting food as they were exposed to it.

We didn't do it like that, and tbh I ended up strung out trying to make naice meals for husband. And I was a SAHM! He still did bedtime and bathtime and helped with meals quite quickly . You really cannot do both and have a full time days work behind you. If husband doesn't get home in time for supper with toddler I recommend cooking a tea that everyone can eat, like lasagne, or shepherd's pie or fish pie or salmon with veg, then you can prepare it in advance for everyone, and there isnt anyneed to do two lots of prep/washing up.

. He doesn't function well on not much sleep, he's also a light sleeper, has trouble getting off to sleep at times, and has adult night terrors, not all the time but enough that he's often dealing with bad quality sleep.

I do pretty well on less sleep, and it's a rare occurrence for me to be unable to get to sleep. I have good quality from when I go to bed till when I wake, generally.

^

Why am I not surprised at this?

Plus, he only works part time?

I really really get the perfectionism. That feeling of..I cannot possibly serve prepare this meal except beautifully. You have to practice having lower standards. It takes time

One of my friends who works fulltime and has three kids, older now, has very high standards. She is perpetually stressed, she loves her job, but cannot see that to combine her high standards at work with expectations of family time that are also high is setting yourself up to fail, and in the end you get angry with the children for being lazy when you are working flat out (this is by the time they are teens) And her husband helps her with everything, yet it is still exhausting, because of her own sense of what has to be done, tutors, exercise, house redecoration, hairdresser. There is a reason for everything and nothing can be allowed to "give". And that's when you start getting depressed because life inevitably throws obstacles that mean you cannot keep to your "goals".

It is really really hard, letting go of things that give satisfaction and feel "right" but parenthood is partly about adapting and changing how you do things, not about being efficient necessarily. Just re prioritizing some aspects of your life. Not working harder and harder on the hamster wheel.

Please stop trying to conceive until you have thought through ehat the other posters have been saying.

You aren't a team now - just imagine how it would break down with a second child. All the frustrations with a hanger on (sometimes referred to as 'DH' or 'partner' long after either term ceased to apply), multiplied by 2.

It doesn't matter what other people find too much. Everyone has their own balance and if your mental health is suffering then your balance is wrong so be kind to yourself and fix it, whether it's drawing firmer boundaries at home or at work and pissing people off in the process. Good luck.

Sounds about normal routine for us, but agree with others about splitting the evening workload. If I’m putting the kids down to sleep DH cooks. You need to cut corners where you can - easy dinners only during weekdays!

My life sounds very similar to yours. A few months ago I organised a baby sitter for Friday evenings. My husband and I meet straight after work, usually for a meal. We don’t come home first to avoid the drama/guilt of leaving again. When I am at home I’m the ‘preferred’ one but my son is now pretty used to that Friday routine (out of sight out of mind!) and we’re usually home by about 9pm. Its not a cheap way of grabbing some free time and for us probably not sustainable long term but for now it’s doing wonders for my mind, my confidence, our relationship & my son! I’m hoping as he gets older this will all start to feel easier, our time with him will be split more equally, we’ll utilise family or other parents to share childcare etc etc. I agree with most comments that your partner needs to step up a bit, so go ahead and do whatever you need to make that happen x

Me a few years ago:

FT+ job
DH working PT from home
Small DC
DH a poor sleeper
DH preferred "nice" meals, and didn't cook

I would have defended him till the cows came home. He is a sensitive soul, he loves me, he just struggles with sleep and really likes my cooking, I love him, I love taking care of him...

Anyway OP, now it's years later. I woke the fuck up. I am now divorced and my new partner earns the same as me, same hours, and is more involved with dc than exdh was... I'll tell you what, life is very easy when someone is on your side.

Your husband sounds worse than useless and I am not surprised you're exhausted. I'm sure he doesn't give a fuck that you're tired and would indeed moan his face off not getting the meal he wants on the table each night. Tosser.

Good luck with it, I lasted 3.5 years after having dc. I can't tell you how much nicer life is now.

@tenderoni your husband works part time, you work full time compressed hours, he doesn’t do dinner and can’t cope with disturbed sleep? What the actual fuck

One person does dinner while the other does kids’ bedtime. Apart from being fair, it’s a more efficient use of time. We get a food box (outside UK - there must be similar products available) - basically a box with ingredients and recipes for 4 dinners for 2 people - no need to even think about what to have (and no excuse if someone claims they can’t cook...)

Compressed hours is a trap - if you want to stay full time could you work five days with one from home? Means you’re not running out the door so early and you have more time to fit in exercise before or during work hours.

Basically your problem is your husband, he’s a lazy git. I have 2 DC aged 4 and nearly 1, I work 4 days & DH full time, both in quite full on jobs as lawyers - DH can take the piss a bit (especially with night wake ups) but frankly looks like husband of the year compared to what you’re dealing with. Which is pretty bad if you heard our whispered arguments at 4am.

Your schedule makes me want to run for the hills. It would be far too punishing for me, especially in a demanding, cerebral career like yours. You’re not getting enough sleep or time to yourself. You have to chat to your partner about sharing more jobs (your toddler can’t always have you even if he prefers to). I wouldn’t bother with any cooking in the evening during the week either.

Just carry on as you are. Have child number two and work all hours and do all the cooking. Dh will do even less child care - if he can’t cope with one he really won’t cope with two. Whilst you are out with both and getting shopping on the way home he will be very busy cycling or running ...

And eventually he will meet the girl from the club who he just connects with and will go off to a life with no naice food whilst you feel like a frumpy twat.

And eventually you get your shit together and have a great time and meet a great partner in the truest sense. But what a waste of time - never stay with anyone who doesn’t give a shit about you. By all means work out why you won’t put yourself first but really don’t indulge anyone else who won’t.

Another one saying compressed hours are a trap and are SHIT

Go back to normal hours over five days. You’ll have more quality time at home as you’ll be less stressed and tired.

Still think you’re dH is a useless lump though and you’re letting him get away with it all. You have a choice about how to live your live. Don’t make it hard for yourself.

To be fair - I had two children 13 months apart no family support and DH out of the house 13 hours a day. Life was very hard I went back to work part time for a rest but then felt guilty about it so my days off were full on with the kids. I gave up sport, lowered my standards in housework, me time was largely out of the window and enjoyed a very close relationship with my DC when young (now as teenager they both seem to be moving towards preferring DH more).
It sounds like you are trying to have it all and something has got to give either dropping housework standards, work, your mental health or getting DH to take on more time with your toddler etc.

Well you mentioned the magic words young toddler and academic career. I have both and am knackered too. I think they are both endlessly demanding. I don't have any answers but

Your Husband doesn’t do enough. We alternate evenings doing bath/bed so each other gets our downtime/gym time. 2 young dc.

Pretty average with the advantage of a cleaner. Only thing I'd change around would be him actually participating in the bed/bath routine, even if it's juts the bathing part, or making the dinner. Otherwise a pretty average day for anyone with kids.

Also share the cooking FFS! Why are you doing it all?

I think perhaps it’s time to let your husband know how you are feeling, especially as you are trying to conceive. Is that why you have to go to bed at the same time as him by the way? Your could probably be doing a bit more to engage his child, bit of a cop out really just because child prefers you. That’s not going to change anytime soon unless he puts some effort in. Same with the cooking, just because you are the better cook doesn’t mean he can’t practice! Get it sorted sooner rather than later as a second pregnancy/child is only going to give you more of the same.

My days are similar except my dcs are all school age and with that brings independence, so it will improve.
I get up at 5.15 leave for work at 5.45for a 7.30 start, finish work at 4.30, home by 6ish, 4 days a week ,no lunch as I use this time to put towards my day off in the week.
DH does school run in morning and picks up from after school club, I cook. Take it in turns for bath/bedtime.
I tend to cook stir fries, pasta and M&S dine in / micro meals on my work days. Time alone should be shared out fairly, join a yoga class or something where you need to leave the house once a week that can be worked into your routine, that way, you are out of the picture and dh and ds will have to bond/get on with it.
Also , I like to stay up for 30 minutes after dh has gone to bed! So relaxing being alone in my sitting room.

“It’s time to tell your husband how you feel”

What kind of twat doesn’t notice his wife is running herself ragged while he gets his five star dinners cooked for him and a solid 9 hour’s sleep each night. The mind boggles.

(Not directly only at your DH, OP - it’s a common story sadly and too a lesser extent it’s been the subject of —much swearing and argument— debate in our house too.)

*to

Rage has rendered me illiterate

Looks like you've answered your own question. Hubby needs to do more, but brace yourself, even at that the timings you've outlined are similar to ours... For now.

you need to find a time when ypu say to yourself "fuck it!" lets just chill. sod what needs doing lets have some downtime

By law you seem to be entitled to a lunch break so take it ! Secondly, if you have a break you will be refreshed for the second part of the day