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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dp wants a pre-nup and i feel like shit

598 replies

lanaturnerssmile · 22/05/2019 21:56

DP told me today “we need to sort out our finances with the solicitors”. He means some sort of pre-nup. Its 8 weeks to our wedding.
We have been together for 13 years and have 3 dc’s together.
He has £££ in assets after investing his money very well. He stands to make a lot of money if things continue as they are. I have a part-time job that pays peanuts (i dont need to work i chose to out of boredom when kids started school) after being a SAHM for years and have nothing to my name. We haven’t got married before now because he’s always said he doesn’t have the spare cash and he wants us to have a proper wedding. Also neither of us were that bothered, but then i started realising it was putting me in a very precarious situation should something happen to him.
Ive been so happy planning the wedding and now i just feel so deflated. i feel like he just wants to protect himself. i dont even know how much he has - how do i know he’ll tell the truth about his assets?
I said “what if i say im not signing anything?” and he said “we’ll get something drawn up and then discuss it”. I dont think he’ll marry me unless i sign something. Im completely ignorant when it comes to legal/financial matters and i dont want to sign something that seems like a good deal and then end up getting shafted (i would obvs have an independent solicitor to try and stop that happening).
For the record i love him very much and i know he loves me. We have a great relationship. Ive been feeling so smug though about how happy we are after being together so long, still really fancy one another and all that. Now i feel like my bubble has completely burst. I feel like its changed my opinion of him in a negative way. It feels so icky.
Anyone have any experience of this?

OP posts:
CoolCarrie · 22/05/2019 22:50

Get yourself to a lawyer ASAP, and do not tel him anything about it. Stall him and definitely marry him, he sounds like a shit to do this to you, however marrying him would be your best move. He sounds like one of those “What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is my own “types , so for your sake and your children’s sake get advice. Learn from the mistakes other women have made, and have shared on Mumsnet!

2stepsonthewater · 22/05/2019 22:54

Now you know the real reason he's been reluctant to get married for all these years. Money Sad

MsTSwift · 22/05/2019 22:54

I don’t think the op is hoping to “shaft him one day” at all. I get pre nups in some circumstances (second marriage, later marriage, own kids from other relationships) but in this set up (woman has bourne him 3 kids together for years she’s made massive non financial contribution) sorry but it stinks. I would be so hurt.

ivykaty44 · 22/05/2019 22:54

Don’t get legal advise
Sign just before wedding
It won’t be worth the money he paid for it...

Almahart · 22/05/2019 22:55

I’ve got no problem with pre nups at all at a point when people are deciding to get married, both capable of supporting themselves financially and there are no children. I get it.

A pre nup protecting assets built up over a thirteen relationship with three kids is a totally different ballgame as there is no way he could have done that with the OP doing childcare

Totally different ballgame

centralmix · 22/05/2019 22:57

So sorry OP Flowers

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 22/05/2019 22:59

Gosh looking at this thread I can see why a lot of men don't 'believe' in marriage. We don't know what the assets are of if the OP has actually done anything to help them increase in value in the time they've been together. We don't know how many children there are or how old they are. We don't know how many years the OP has been out of work and what her earning potential was (I'm guessing if she'd continued working full time she wouldn't have ever earned anywhere near 50% of his assets). We don't even know what he'd like to include in his pre-nup. Yet with none of this information posters have decided that he's a bastard and the OP deserves half of his assets.

What are you going on about?
There are 3 children and while he was busy increasing the value of his assets the OP was raising those children. It doesn't matter that her earning potential wouldn't have been 50% of his assets the fact is that any earning potential she might have had and been able to build up has been left at practically nothing because she was raising the children. Unless you think raising children is not worth anything at all.

After 13 years and 3 children very sad that you're not in this together. I wouldn't sign and if he wanted to cancel the wedding then I'd let him, get a full time job and stand on my own two feet.

RosaWaiting · 22/05/2019 23:02

I don't have an issue with pre nups because I take the view that everyone is an adult, may have different views re finances etc and can negotiate what is fair

I'm going to be blunt OP. You say you didn't need to work - um, I think you did. And now you need to do more adulting and get familiar with financial and legal matters.

I wouldn't write him off just because he wants a pre nup. It might be a very generous prenup. You sound like your starting point is zero knowledge - don't continue like that.

Oshe · 22/05/2019 23:05

Also, if you do decide to sign the prenup don't listen to the clever people saying don't seek legal advice. Do you honestly think your partner won't have done his own research and discovered that you need your own independent advice for it to be binding? Do you not think his own lawyer will know and advise him of this?

And if you decide to stall and ignore his attempts to discuss this, your partner will see through this and I can't imagine it'll do your relationship any favours. If you do make it down the aisle, is it more likely that he'll suddenly have a change of heart and decide that things should be split 50/50 after all, or will he decide to protect his assets by hiding them instead? You've already said you don't know how much he's worth so he could do this easily.

The people cheerleading on this thread do not have to live with any of the consequences or deal with any fallout from the misguided advice they're giving. You're in a vulnerable position and I would suggest engaging with him, getting your own legal advice and trying to reach an agreement you're both happy with.

Cambionome · 22/05/2019 23:05

Exactly what ineedtostop said.

And totally stupid post Oshe - the op has enabled him to build up his career by bringing up his dc for him!

RosaWaiting · 22/05/2019 23:06

OP "Im not saying I’m thick but i don’t know about things the way he does."

and nobody knows these things magically, they need to make an effort to learn! Don't keep yourself in a mental position of "he knows things and I don't". You have access to learn all the same things.

notapizzaeater · 22/05/2019 23:06

I'd stall, I'd wait and see what he's put in it and then get legal advice, it would be a shame if you couldn't get an appointment quickly 😘

CauliflowerBalti · 22/05/2019 23:08

He can draw up anything he likes. You don't have to sign it, or marry him.

I would be furious. If my husband and I broke up, I'd take the bare minimum me and the boy needed to survive.. Any assumption I'd want more would be a dealbreaker.

Caucho · 22/05/2019 23:08

If you cancel the wedding he’ll probably be relieved as he’ll be able to blame you and say you are a gold digger. Quite clever really but as people have said the bad choices were made years ago 13 years and 3 kids later. Is he genuinely enthusiastic about being married? Morals aside and thinking logically you could ask what’s it in for him and the answer is zilch apart from continuing the relationship he’s already been in for ages. Maybe he doesn’t care and wants to call your bluff or he is genuinely keen and someone has whispered something in his ear to make him paranoid. Either way you’ve got no leverage. If you’re purely financially motivated you’re better off married even with a prenup which will have limited impact. You’re currently entitled only to joint assets and child maintenance and fuck all else

DuchessOfAdler · 22/05/2019 23:09

When you cant stall any longer, say you want to add a paragraph. Then say you want him to just sign an agreement that your 13 years supporting him without opportunity to earn, save, progress in a career or contribute to a pension would be fully acknowledged in a financial sense in the event of a split.

PutsFootInIt · 22/05/2019 23:11

I believe pre-nups are pretty meaningless espeacially when dc's are involved. Also depends on the circumstances of the break -up. I know someone who signed a pre-nup and rhe judge didn't take it into account.

I think the only time they are relevant is when there is a family business or land involved ie. You are marrying someone who will inherit a farm but their sibling is entitled to half.

I do find it odd that you don't know how much money he has. The point of marriage is that you share everything. What is the point of you marrying otherwise?

@specterlitt 'expecting to shaft him' ? I don't think OP has alterior motives?! In these circumstances the prenup certainly sounds unfair.

Sorry OP, it is horrible he's put this on you and either he is being knowingly manipulative waiting this late or he was ashamed to bring it up earlier? If you are marrying eachother you should be able to have a frank and open discussion about it.

HerRoyalNotness · 22/05/2019 23:14

From one of your posts it sounds like he would split assets 50/50 but then doesn’t want you coming after spousal support. With reference to him working to pay for everything still. You won’t know until you see what he is proposing. Don’t panic yet.

Hecateh · 22/05/2019 23:15

Tell him 'Yes, we definitely do need a prenup to ensure the kids and me are well provided for should something awful happen. I'll make an appointment tomorrow to see a solicitor so we can both make sure that everything is fair'

his reaction will tell you all you need to know

FIRSTTIMEMUMMA81 · 22/05/2019 23:16

This happened to my friend, she got married and 6 months later he divorced her and used the pre-nup as a way of walking away with everything that was his before and during the marriage (pre-nup was used to screw her over big time as she didn't check what she was signing). If they hadn't of married, she would have got half and more, because legally you have the same rights when there is children involved. If she had no pre-nup, she would have got half and more.

Be careful... massive warning sign here.

Isitweekendyet · 22/05/2019 23:17

Write your own prenup.

You’ll keep the house.
£10,000 per child.
20% of his wage for child support
20% for spousal support.
All extra curricular activities of the children paid for.

Bet he’ll change his tune quickly then!

SunniDay · 22/05/2019 23:17

Hi,
I have seen in your post that you have been together for 13 years and have three children. Does you partner have any children from a previous relationship? Does he own the homes that any of his wider family live in? I could understand if he wanted to make sure assets are protected for any other children to inherit (as well as yours) or for any family living in houses that he owns so that they can remain living in them securely, but if neither of these are the case then I don't really see where he is coming from.

mellicauli · 22/05/2019 23:19

I think you should only consider seeing a solicitor if he agrees to see a relationship counsellor first. He appears to be seeing marriage as some kind of business arrangement, a "deal" where he needs to protect his interests, where he mustn't be on the losing side. This probably the arena he is comfortable in and sees it as logical. And I suppose, yes, you are better off with a pre-nup than no marriage at all.

But he's really only thought about himself. He's failed to make you feel like a valued and equal partner. He's disrespected the sacrifices you have made for your family. And in doing this has shown himself as not ready for marriage.

You need a good professional to help you round this one, so both of you gets what you need.

DuchessOfAdler · 22/05/2019 23:19

Dont be afraid to acknowledge the sacrifices you have made and ask him to acknowledge them by signing an acknowledgement of your loss of earnings over the years.

Dont make it ALL about the DC

Poppyinafieldofdreams · 22/05/2019 23:21

Sounds like you will be signing away what is already yours. However see what his proposals are and if they are fair. You don’t have to sign anything.

SpecterLitt · 22/05/2019 23:22

@PutsFootInIt I didn't say the OP would, I said to not follow the advise from the people who were suggesting such things. Please re-read my original post, I stressed that they should both sit and see a solicitor and figure out what would be fair for both of them and the three children.

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