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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dp wants a pre-nup and i feel like shit

598 replies

lanaturnerssmile · 22/05/2019 21:56

DP told me today “we need to sort out our finances with the solicitors”. He means some sort of pre-nup. Its 8 weeks to our wedding.
We have been together for 13 years and have 3 dc’s together.
He has £££ in assets after investing his money very well. He stands to make a lot of money if things continue as they are. I have a part-time job that pays peanuts (i dont need to work i chose to out of boredom when kids started school) after being a SAHM for years and have nothing to my name. We haven’t got married before now because he’s always said he doesn’t have the spare cash and he wants us to have a proper wedding. Also neither of us were that bothered, but then i started realising it was putting me in a very precarious situation should something happen to him.
Ive been so happy planning the wedding and now i just feel so deflated. i feel like he just wants to protect himself. i dont even know how much he has - how do i know he’ll tell the truth about his assets?
I said “what if i say im not signing anything?” and he said “we’ll get something drawn up and then discuss it”. I dont think he’ll marry me unless i sign something. Im completely ignorant when it comes to legal/financial matters and i dont want to sign something that seems like a good deal and then end up getting shafted (i would obvs have an independent solicitor to try and stop that happening).
For the record i love him very much and i know he loves me. We have a great relationship. Ive been feeling so smug though about how happy we are after being together so long, still really fancy one another and all that. Now i feel like my bubble has completely burst. I feel like its changed my opinion of him in a negative way. It feels so icky.
Anyone have any experience of this?

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 22/05/2019 22:10

You need to understand what the pre nup is for. Is it just to clarify how he would take care of you and the kids if you split, ie set out how he would enable you to buy a property and how much he would pay in maintenance. Or is it a way for him to protect the money you've helped him earn? Because that's not ok.

Original poster
lanaturnerssmile · 22/05/2019 22:11

He said its to protect me and the kids as much as him. In case anything happens with the stuff in his name he wants to make sure there are things in my name too. He said it wouldn’t be fair if i decided to leave him and took him for 50% with some hard-arse divorce lawyer (his words) and he was then still having to work to pay for everything. I think I just feel ill-equipped to deal with it. He is very intelligent. Im not saying I’m thick but i don’t know about things the way he does.

I dont believe we will ever split up its just more about how its made me feel. Its knocked me a bit for six.

OP posts:
Awrite · 22/05/2019 22:11

I wouldn't marry a man who thought so little of me.

However, I also wouldn't willingly give up my earning power so I imagine marrying him with a pre-nup makes better financial sense in these circumstances.

I would hate him for ruining the trust you had though. Christ, you have clearly trusted him.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 22/05/2019 22:11

Make sure you factor in child care costs that he has saved and loss of earning on your behalf before signing anything.

PersonaNonGarter · 22/05/2019 22:11

Agree, don’t get advice and don’t sign it, just put it off, don’t engage.

If he asks why you aren’t getting involved, say it’s because you don’t really want to, then walk out of the room.

Always remember: he can’t make you speak, he can’t make you stay in the room and he can’t make you sign anything.

Shallowhals · 22/05/2019 22:11

I’d feel awful about this too OP Flowers my mouth actually dropped when I read you’d been together 13 years and with 3 DC...

MoreCookiesPlease · 22/05/2019 22:12

Im sorry OP. Must feel like such a blow after 13 years and 3 kids together. Ditto what a PP said - seek independent legal advice. Surely you have incurred huge loss of earnings whilst being a SAHM to his children...

adaline · 22/05/2019 22:12

if you marry and later divorce would the courts take into account the length of your relationship and children prior to marriage? I would hope they would

No. Couples who choose to cohabit for years (without the protection of marriage) are not protected in court in the UK.

The court wouldn't care if they'd been together 13 years or 13 weeks prior to the marriage.

stanski · 22/05/2019 22:12

I have one. It was me who wanted it done, was pre kids and we married within 3 years of knowing each other so felt best.
For it to be valid in the first place you would have to have separate legal advice. I sent my DH to get his own legal advice as otherwise it would have not been valid.

To do it is fine but to do it after 3 kids / 13 years is a bit shit.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/05/2019 22:12

Personally, I wouldn't bother with getting my own solicitor because I wouldn't sign a prenup in these circumstances. I would ask him why he even wants to bother getting married if he doesn't value you as a total partner in everything, and he clearly doesn't trust you on some level. I would say it's apparent the spending the last 13 years together and having his 3 children isn't enough to prove your devotion to him in his eyes. Then I would tell him to forget the prenup or he can fuck off.

Original poster
lanaturnerssmile · 22/05/2019 22:14

lifebegins - that’s what I’m thinking - i will be worse off if i dont marry him anyway!

OP posts:
Justaboy · 22/05/2019 22:15

IANAL but i htink in the UK pre nups aren't legally recognised in most divorce situations.

Might be worth giving a soliictor a quick ring to check that out?.

One who speclises in Divorce;!

ajobquestion · 22/05/2019 22:16

@adaline that's not true, please don't give advice that you're not sure about on the internet!

Yes, your length of cohabitation would be taken into account on divorce. Whilst cohabitees currently have no rights, periods of cohabitation prior to marriage ARE taken into account by the courts when considering the length of marriage.

tolerable · 22/05/2019 22:17

tell him exactly what you wrote.if you cant.call it off.

ajobquestion · 22/05/2019 22:17

And also prenups are taken into consideration too. But they will assess it alongside a consideration of the legal advice that each party obtained (thus me advising you not to get any!), balance of power, length of relationship, disparity of lifestyle post divorce if kids are involved and various other factors.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 22/05/2019 22:19

He said it wouldn’t be fair if i decided to leave him and took him for 50%

Can I just ask, while you've been together have you taken time off from your work to raise the DC so that he could have a lovely high-earning career at all? If after 13 years and 3 DC this is how he speaks to you, please go and seek independent legal advice, and listen closely to the advice you're given.

The stuff he spouts is more likely to protect him than protect you. That's clear from the things he's said. Now you need to act a little selfishly and protect yourself, since you know that his interests aren't aligned with yours.

Freddiefox · 22/05/2019 22:19

Stall him for 8 weeks. Don’t mention it, don’t talk about it. But ill if he makes an appointment to discuss it.

category12 · 22/05/2019 22:19

Actually the length of time of the relationship before marriage can be taken into account in divorce.

Look, OP, it works both ways - he's not going to want to call off the wedding and explain why to people any more than you do - how would it look "she wouldn't sign a pre-nup so I called it off" is hardly a good look after you've been together so long and have kids.

I suggest you put it off and avoid the subject, and let it go right up to the wire.

Didiusfalco · 22/05/2019 22:20

This is tricky because you don’t want to not marry him at this stage, because as you point out you are financially very vulnerable, but it is a dick move on his part.
I like the way a previous poster is thinking about ensuring it doesn’t stand up. I also think I would stall until very close to the wedding - is he really prepared to call it off if you don’t sign?! I think the content will be very interesting though - if it’s very generous and protective of you and the children you may feel differently (suspect this is the less likely motivation though)

Scrumptiousbears · 22/05/2019 22:21

I got my house tied up when my DP moved in. If we get married I'd need some changes to be made but I'll keep it in place. I've been accused by friends of not being romantic. However this house is mine. I worked very hard for it and if we ever split he is not getting 50% of it having not paid a penny towards it. We all know people who have been through terrible divorces. You see it happen on here. I think it's ok to protect your assets before you meet someone.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/05/2019 22:22

As far as I understand it, you wouldn't get just 50% of 'his' money. You'd get far far more. Your future earning potential has decreased, so that has to be accounted for. You would have the children so they would need to keep the lifestyle they're used to.

Would I be right in thinking 50% of 'his' assets is way more than 3 x costs of childcare plus housekeeping etc?

OVienna · 22/05/2019 22:22

This is a risk as I have not RTFT- three kids and he wants to "sort out the finances." FUCK THAT SHIT.

Original poster
lanaturnerssmile · 22/05/2019 22:22

Yes i was a SAHM from having first dc and only returned to a part-time job last year. He already had assets when we met but obviously over the years they have grown substantially and I have provided him with the children and home life he dearly wanted.

OP posts:
janetforpresident · 22/05/2019 22:24

Just don't sign it. Do you think he would cancel your wedding? Would he do that to you and his kids and all your extended family this close to the wedding.

GabsAlot · 22/05/2019 22:24

Wow if you just met id understand his point but 13 years? and she doesnt want you go for half if you divorce?

What about his kids would he plan to look after them at least

I'd seriously reconsider youre relationship if he forces this

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