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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dp wants a pre-nup and i feel like shit

598 replies

lanaturnerssmile · 22/05/2019 21:56

DP told me today “we need to sort out our finances with the solicitors”. He means some sort of pre-nup. Its 8 weeks to our wedding.
We have been together for 13 years and have 3 dc’s together.
He has £££ in assets after investing his money very well. He stands to make a lot of money if things continue as they are. I have a part-time job that pays peanuts (i dont need to work i chose to out of boredom when kids started school) after being a SAHM for years and have nothing to my name. We haven’t got married before now because he’s always said he doesn’t have the spare cash and he wants us to have a proper wedding. Also neither of us were that bothered, but then i started realising it was putting me in a very precarious situation should something happen to him.
Ive been so happy planning the wedding and now i just feel so deflated. i feel like he just wants to protect himself. i dont even know how much he has - how do i know he’ll tell the truth about his assets?
I said “what if i say im not signing anything?” and he said “we’ll get something drawn up and then discuss it”. I dont think he’ll marry me unless i sign something. Im completely ignorant when it comes to legal/financial matters and i dont want to sign something that seems like a good deal and then end up getting shafted (i would obvs have an independent solicitor to try and stop that happening).
For the record i love him very much and i know he loves me. We have a great relationship. Ive been feeling so smug though about how happy we are after being together so long, still really fancy one another and all that. Now i feel like my bubble has completely burst. I feel like its changed my opinion of him in a negative way. It feels so icky.
Anyone have any experience of this?

OP posts:
Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 28/01/2020 09:23

Thanks so much for the update OP!

Congratulations!

gamerchick · 28/01/2020 09:24

borrowed from this thread grin
I think he quickly realised he was being a bit of an arse and dropped the matter completely
We had a wonderful wedding and we are very happy. (I won’t forget what happened though and have used the experience to my advantage

Ah, excellent result Grin

C8H10N4O2 · 28/01/2020 09:28

Glad you got what you wanted op. The husband and the money

Go and actually read the OP. They were together 13 yrs and he made money outside the home whilst she made this possible by bearing and caring for his children inside the home as well working part time outside. They're a partnership.

Its not "his" money its "theirs".

And it all happened last Summer.

damnthatanxiety · 28/01/2020 09:30

Sorry - I haven't read the whole thread. If he insists on a pre-nup, instruct a solicitor to calculate your contribution in raising HIS dc. The money he has earned whilst you have enabled him to earn is not all his.

damnthatanxiety · 28/01/2020 09:32

ffs almost a zombie thread...

BettyAll1 · 28/01/2020 09:39

Tell him there isn’t time to sort out a pre-nup now before the wedding and you don’t have time for the distraction but are happy to discuss legal papers regarding your finances after the wedding. Then you’re in a better position to negotiate/ make him see sense. I can see how this cuts deep and risks overshadowing your wedding. Flowers

BettyAll1 · 28/01/2020 09:40

Oops sorry just seen the update!

Annasgirl · 28/01/2020 10:05

@damnthatanxiety the OP posted an update to tell us all how it worked out.

Lanaturnerssmileagain · 28/01/2020 10:09

ITS ME AGAIN - THE ORIGINAL OP!!!!!

Hi again,
Thanks all for the nice messages. Sorry if I went about updating the thread the wrong way as I seem to have resurrected the zombie thread and some people are still giving advice!

I’ve just had to create another account with a different email and username as it wouldn’t let me sign in - it just kept on taking me to the “new member” page even though I’ve been using that email address for years - does that mean I’ve been hacked or something?

frockfrock - I tried to sign in with my old username - it wouldn’t let me but I have had several usernames since then.

secondrow I’ve never posted about a Barbour jacket, that wasn’t me!

And to the poster saying I got the man and the money - well hopefully we’ll be married for the rest of our lives and if not - I hope he will understand the reasons why he has to provide fairly for the dc’s and I - and if not il point him back in the direction of this thread!

I think the reason dh presented the pre-nup idea in the first place was that he panicked - largely down to the idea played out in the media/society of the vindictive money grabbing wife who goes after the man for everything. I know he had family members down his ear about it.
That “oh, you got the money too then” mentality is really damaging for women in general, especially SAHM. We are just as worthy and important as the “breadwinner” you know? Probably more so, and Mumsnet has really helped me to realise that.

Knittedfairies · 28/01/2020 10:12

A great update!

dottydaily · 28/01/2020 10:25

I would not be happy with having this discussion so close to the wedding,however I don’t think it’s ridiculous nor do I think he is some of the names suggested..he is been smart...think about what’s fair, meet a solicitor...no one can predict the future..it’s a smart move for ye both to make...

mcmooberry · 28/01/2020 10:26

I was just settling down to read the whole thread (even though the washing machine is bleeping annoyingly) when I saw it was an old one so was very happy to see the update! Good advice about protecting ourselves against financial disaster if we break up from our partners.

ittakes2 · 28/01/2020 10:30

I get it when people decide to do prenups before weddings and before kids...but nope sorry I emphasis with your situation and that you don't feel good.
Let him sort out the finances - but let it be the value of what he had before you started having kids together - not their value now.

QueSera · 28/01/2020 10:39

My impression was that a pre-nup is generally for when two people come into a relationship with assets they've already acquired.
NOT for when two people have been together over a decade, raising DC, balancing out earning and childcare responsibilities as a partnership.

Did he have this money from before you were together? That is the only plausible reason I could see for a prenup.

But you have been a SAHM, which is an equal contribution to the family as him working. It doesn't allow him as the earner to squirrel away money and treat it as 'his'. You've been bearing and raising his children. I can totally see why you're upset, I would be too. He doesn't sound like a nice person, and he doesn't sound like he views your relationship as a true partnership. Sorry OP.

GloGirl · 28/01/2020 10:41

A brilliant update - I was coming on before I realised it was a zombie thread to say that the pre-nup was a great opportunity to sort out those murky finances and to properly understand what was legally yours, married or not. It was a long time as you say to carry on without any clear definition of finances.

I'm so pleased that's what the conversation the two of you had ended up doing, and that he shut up!

Congrats on the wedding!

MrsStrangerThing · 28/01/2020 10:43

Great update, thanks op Flowers

QueSera · 28/01/2020 10:46

Oops apologies, old thread Confused
Glad it all worked out OP!!

bluebella4 · 28/01/2020 11:05

I'm just going to throw this out here. Is it an actual prenup or is he just looking to get finances in place incase something happened you both? So, as his other family members can't get it because you will just be 'just married' and he gained money before that.

Myself and husband have been an done something like this in sense if something happened him, I and my children get everything and same if something happened me. Then we went through who would look after the kids etc..
What sparked this was the fact my partner is to inherited a large amount of money and land etc, and someone we spoke to suggested it was made clear who was to receive this if something happen us both because it may, by pass our kids and go straight to my family (something I seriously don't want!)
This way it protects me from family members. Hope I'm making sense!

I too am a SAHM I would stand to loose everything but this way I don't. Do you think your partner would genuinely want to make sure you get nothing or for you to miss out on what you are intitled to because let's face it you missed out on earning to bring up your kids. Oh and please don't under value yourself when comparing yourself to him because you're amazing in your way just as he is his!

Nat6999 · 28/01/2020 11:15

I was the one who had the money in my marriage, he refused to have his name on the mortgage, I bought the house, paid the bills, paid loans for the new roof & the caravan that we had that was in my name, my parents paid for most of the work that needed to be done when we got our house. But come splitting up, he wanted half of everything. If I had my time again, I would insist on a prenup because I lost nearly everything in the divorce. I don't blame him for wanting to protect what he had before you met, yes he has a responsibility to the children of your relationship but should a divorce happen, he has no responsibility towards you.

AnneKipanki · 28/01/2020 11:17

Thanks for the UPDATE.
Good news!

BrimfulofSasha · 28/01/2020 11:19

A pre-nup isn't legally binding in the Uk.

TheBusDriver · 28/01/2020 11:21

There is nothing wrong with him being sensible with his assets, and what he has worked for. I am pretty certain if you were him, you'd want the same

The most sensible thing is to actually discuss and come to a fair arrangement that includes the children

He is very much entitled to financial stability and to cover himself, just as you would want to be if this was all your money

I’m a bit confused by this comment. Because the OP has worked for the money - she has given up her career to raise his 3 children and provide domestic services for 13 years.

I bet she gave up her career by choice and enjoyed the time with the children. Why is that seen as a sacrifice? What about all the sacrifice he has made by not being around his family to give this lifestyle.

No wonder men feel screwed.

Karenisbaren · 28/01/2020 11:21

Dump him.

Rottnest · 28/01/2020 11:35

So sorry to hear how you are feeling about this, quite understandable. You DP is treating you rather badly imo. All the years you have been together supporting him and providing childcare and a home environment have enabled him to amass these assets. It seems as though he sees you as not his equal in this partnership. If it were me, I would sign nothing until I consulted my own lawyer, working for my interests, and then act on his/advice. As things stand you are entering this marriage as a very unequal partner, after years of a partnership which could leave you disadvantaged in law if you split. I would be re-assessing this marriage in your shoes, Best wishes.

Wellhellooothere · 28/01/2020 11:46

@Rottnest - it's a zombie! the bloke came to his senses,,,

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