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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dp wants a pre-nup and i feel like shit

598 replies

lanaturnerssmile · 22/05/2019 21:56

DP told me today “we need to sort out our finances with the solicitors”. He means some sort of pre-nup. Its 8 weeks to our wedding.
We have been together for 13 years and have 3 dc’s together.
He has £££ in assets after investing his money very well. He stands to make a lot of money if things continue as they are. I have a part-time job that pays peanuts (i dont need to work i chose to out of boredom when kids started school) after being a SAHM for years and have nothing to my name. We haven’t got married before now because he’s always said he doesn’t have the spare cash and he wants us to have a proper wedding. Also neither of us were that bothered, but then i started realising it was putting me in a very precarious situation should something happen to him.
Ive been so happy planning the wedding and now i just feel so deflated. i feel like he just wants to protect himself. i dont even know how much he has - how do i know he’ll tell the truth about his assets?
I said “what if i say im not signing anything?” and he said “we’ll get something drawn up and then discuss it”. I dont think he’ll marry me unless i sign something. Im completely ignorant when it comes to legal/financial matters and i dont want to sign something that seems like a good deal and then end up getting shafted (i would obvs have an independent solicitor to try and stop that happening).
For the record i love him very much and i know he loves me. We have a great relationship. Ive been feeling so smug though about how happy we are after being together so long, still really fancy one another and all that. Now i feel like my bubble has completely burst. I feel like its changed my opinion of him in a negative way. It feels so icky.
Anyone have any experience of this?

OP posts:
Almahart · 22/05/2019 22:35

Stall. Don’t sign. Marry him. Don’t call it off or you are fucked financially

Doubt that he will cancel the wedding

Sorry OP that he has done this

Original poster
lanaturnerssmile · 22/05/2019 22:35

Thanks Mumsnetters - there’s some good advice here.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 22/05/2019 22:36

Fudge - when someone earns/has assets in to the £kkkks which it sounds like the dp does, things like enabling his career/being a nanny/housekeeper etc dont really work quite the same as someone on a £40k a year job, because the cost of hiring a nanny plus housekeeper etc are just a drop in the ocean.

Drum2018 · 22/05/2019 22:36

I'd have to know what he actually means so I would go along to the solicitor and see what he has in mind. It may not be as bad as you think. His solicitor might not agree with his plans and they may not be enforceable if you did split anyway. If what he and solicitor suggest is not acceptable to you then you don't need to sign anything. But there's no harm finding out the ins and outs of it before you start getting overly annoyed about it. Do you both have wills made? If not this could be part of the plan.

Almahart · 22/05/2019 22:38

And if you do sign it do it as late to the wire as possible and without legal advice

It’s not enforcable then as pp said

BMW6 · 22/05/2019 22:40

You always needed to work. You fell into the trap of becoming dependent on some man who has no legal obligation to you at all. Get legal advice. Don't tell him. Women seriously need to wake the fuck up that packing in FT work to play housey with 'DP' is financial suicide.

Copied and pasted because I could not have expressed it better myself

Apileofballyhoo · 22/05/2019 22:41

would i be right in thinking 50% of his assets is way more than 3 x childcare costs plus housekeeping etc

How about if that money had been cleverly invested? Oh wait. It has. Just not in OP's name.

bliminy · 22/05/2019 22:41

I'd sign the prenup a week or two before the wedding. It won't be legally enforceable especially as you've had no legal advice prior to signing it, you were pressurised into signing it, and it's not 28+ days before the wedding.

For comparison, when my SIL signed her prenup they videoed her signing it in front of her lawyer, and also videoed her agreeing that she'd taken legal advice and was not being pressured into signing it.

www.rocketlawyer.co.uk/article/how-to-make-a-prenuptial-agreement.rl

peachgreen · 22/05/2019 22:41

What an absolute cunt.

fancynancyclancy · 22/05/2019 22:41

I don’t think it’s awful in principle however the fact it’s so close to the wedding sounds dodgy. What’s more dodgy is the whole “you can’t have 50%” although I guess it depends on whether you are taking thousands or millions. Get legal advice & work our a figure you think is fair, see what his response is to that figure.

Allhailthesun · 22/05/2019 22:42

Seriously?

I get pre nups. They have their time and place. I would hope mostly in the spirt of fairness.

The6 are definitely not when you’ve had three children with him and a loooong term relationship.

foreverhanging · 22/05/2019 22:42

Sounds shifty as fuck op

I'd stall and ignore. He won't call off the wedding, I'm sure he would hate to look like a twat to everyone.

SpecterLitt · 22/05/2019 22:43

There is nothing wrong with him being sensible with his assets, and what he has worked for. I am pretty certain if you were him, you'd want the same.

The most sensible thing is to actually discuss and come to a fair arrangement that includes the children.

He is very much entitled to financial stability and to cover himself, just as you would want to be if this was all your money.

Advice needs to be impartial and it's sensible you both go visit a solicitor together and discuss the necessary.

If you go in to this marriage listening to some peoples advice in hoping to shaft him one day, you'd be a fool.

Both of you need to be honest and agree on what is fair for you, him and the children. You will have to be sincere with one another. A pre-nup is not a bad thing, nowadays it's very necessary and a smart thing to do.

thegreatcrestednewt · 22/05/2019 22:43

So you don’t know how much money he has? If I were you, I’d get a lot better informed about your finances. It’s the adult thing to do. Also find out how much it would cost for childcare per child, and cleaning/housework, so you can point out to your dh how much you have saved him by being a SAHM. You have facilitated him go8ngbyo work. Doesn’t he realise that??

I’d also get legal advice about signing a prenup. No wonder it’s changed how you feel about him. A big kick in the teeth after all this time.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/05/2019 22:45

Op, when/if you get advice, I would get it separately. I only say that because it sounds like your dp is a bit the same as my dh. Very intelligent, thinks quickly on his feet, charms me easily, and would beat me hands down in any verbal argument, even if I was right. So, I need to be separate from him to properly think things through.
Although someone upthread who seemed to know what she was talking about more said don't get advice. So, I don't know. Just if you do!

RandomMess · 22/05/2019 22:45

It's not just the costs he has been saved it's also your loss of earnings, and loss of potential career progression you need compensation for.

Are you already on the deeds of the house?

Gth1234 · 22/05/2019 22:46

sorry about this, but this is why its better to do the marriage before the children. IMO

OVienna · 22/05/2019 22:47

Yeah, going to a solicitor is something you'd do with a non-knob, ie someone who hasn't had three kids with someone already then started to bang on about "his finances."

Totally stall. You have nothing to lose unless you don't marry him.

PettyContractor · 22/05/2019 22:47

I know someone married for about 15 years, whose potential divorce lawyer said she could get 90% of half a million pounds that her husband earned three-quarters of. She was a someone who had only ever taken time off from a high-paying job because she wanted to, to look after one school-age child.

If the OP pre-nup enforced 50:50, that might be a good deal for her DP, and she would still be a lot better of than she is now.

NameChangerAmI · 22/05/2019 22:47

If what PPs posters have said is true, it sounds like you'd be better off not seeking legal advice, as it sounds like if you haven't sought advice, these means any prenup would be void.

I'm not saying this is correct, I'm no laywer, but I would want to establish whether or not this is actually true asap.

Then, if it is true I would not be accompanying DP to the solicitor's, nor would I be seeking my own independent advice either.

I'd do as you are doing, OP and stall.

As I see it, you're damned if you sign it, and damned if you don't. He's already taken the shine off the wedding for you, selfish bastard! Flowers

MrsDrudge · 22/05/2019 22:48

I only asked because it sounded very inconsistent with how you describe him in the rest of your post, and has come as a bolt out of the blue. Can’t add anything that PPs haven’t already said other than agreeing that you should get legal advice before you sign. Maybe ask him what prompted this decision?

Gth1234 · 22/05/2019 22:48

how can you be worse off seeking INDEPENDENT legal advice. Who would know? It's all confidential.

dorisdog · 22/05/2019 22:49

I'm with the poster above who said just don't engage with the process. Just keep going along as if it's not a thing. Don't talk about it, don't sign anything, leave the room. What's he going to do? Call off the wedding? Force a pen into your hands? Just laugh and say: 'Er no, mate. We've got three kids, remember?'

Oshe · 22/05/2019 22:49

Gosh looking at this thread I can see why a lot of men don't 'believe' in marriage. We don't know what the assets are of if the OP has actually done anything to help them increase in value in the time they've been together. We don't know how many children there are or how old they are. We don't know how many years the OP has been out of work and what her earning potential was (I'm guessing if she'd continued working full time she wouldn't have ever earned anywhere near 50% of his assets). We don't even know what he'd like to include in his pre-nup. Yet with none of this information posters have decided that he's a bastard and the OP deserves half of his assets.

janetforpresident · 22/05/2019 22:50

If the OP pre-nup enforced 50:50, that might be a good deal for her DP, and she would still be a lot better of than she is now

But he's actually stated that he doesn't think she should get 50% of they split so I doubt he would agree to that.