dp wants a pre-nup and i feel like shit

[lanaturnerssmile]

DP told me today “we need to sort out our finances with the solicitors”. He means some sort of pre-nup. Its 8 weeks to our wedding.
We have been together for 13 years and have 3 dc’s together.
He has £££ in assets after investing his money very well. He stands to make a lot of money if things continue as they are. I have a part-time job that pays peanuts (i dont need to work i chose to out of boredom when kids started school) after being a SAHM for years and have nothing to my name. We haven’t got married before now because he’s always said he doesn’t have the spare cash and he wants us to have a proper wedding. Also neither of us were that bothered, but then i started realising it was putting me in a very precarious situation should something happen to him.
Ive been so happy planning the wedding and now i just feel so deflated. i feel like he just wants to protect himself. i dont even know how much he has - how do i know he’ll tell the truth about his assets?
I said “what if i say im not signing anything?” and he said “we’ll get something drawn up and then discuss it”. I dont think he’ll marry me unless i sign something. Im completely ignorant when it comes to legal/financial matters and i dont want to sign something that seems like a good deal and then end up getting shafted (i would obvs have an independent solicitor to try and stop that happening).
For the record i love him very much and i know he loves me. We have a great relationship. Ive been feeling so smug though about how happy we are after being together so long, still really fancy one another and all that. Now i feel like my bubble has completely burst. I feel like its changed my opinion of him in a negative way. It feels so icky.
Anyone have any experience of this?

The only thing that gives you any rights ie £££ is marriage. So don't stymie that.

I'd be furious and deeply hurt. Wait until you find out what he actually wants from the prenup. Surely if he wanted to protect you & the children then a will would suffice?

He really loves his money, doesn't he! More than his family. I can imagine that you feel crap, he's horrible! I put a lot more into our house than my husband did. If we ever split up we'd split it 50/50 because he's put other things into the house and I really couldn't be that mean. And we don't even have children.

What @ajobquestion said.

would i be right in thinking 50% of his assets is way more than 3 x childcare costs plus housekeeping etc

Yes.

Honestly, you are in a vulnerable position

Presumably he is self employed or owns companies????

I would reaearch (now today!) and engage (this week early next) your own SHL (shit hot lawyer) and just haggle it out with him.

Ultimately if you have a house and enough to raise the kids with if it goes tits up that’s better than the alternative

BUT he has purposefully sprung this on you at short notice to force your hand.

If I were you I would tread VERY carefully and quickly
play the game and do it fast or you could end up royally screwed.

sorry but YES it is fair that you take 50% as everything should be split in half and you will be left with the kids and YOU will find it harder to find a job.

So Yes it is fair and how dare he think it isn't, there is a reason divorce lawyers suggest a 50/50 split at LEAST!

If you get a pre nup that holds up in court then he is basically saying you and your kids get nothing in the event of a divorce except for any Child maintenance he deems acceptable to pay.

get legal advice and do not sign anything.

you ARE entitled to at least half once married, you gave up your career for him.

This is why mumsnet preaches about women giving up jobs before getting married. just in case!

Must be a horrible feeling

Has he been married before?

Is this coming from his family?

I feel for you I really do. However I'd never get married again without a water right prenuptial having been fleeced by 2 husbands.

Yes i was a SAHM from having first dc and only returned to a part-time job last year. He already had assets when we met but obviously over the years they have grown substantially and I have provided him with the children and home life he dearly wanted.

So you've spent 100% of your life over the last 13 years acting as housekeeper, cleaner, nanny, taxi, event planner, chef, nurse and I'd hazard at least 30 other roles (all of which ensure he doesn't have to fund any of those things) whilst "his" assets have grown because you've enabled his lovely cushy ride?

Fuck that, op. He's had you dancing to his tune this whole time.

When he said “sort out our finances” are you sure he meant a pre-nup? Could he have meant wills/pensions etc, so that you are both clear about finances/assets and provision for yourself and children should anything happen to him in the future?

Im thinking the stalling option would be best too. I don’t think he would cancel the wedding when it came down to the wire. Cos then he’d look like complete cock wouldn’t he!

I don’t need to work it sounds to me like you really do though. You are in a very vulnerable position and have no means to support yourself financially should anything go wrong. I see this so much on these boards and do not understand why people put themselves in this position.

He really would look a complete cock.

His comment about not being fair to get 50pc of his assets is worrying

I'd be asking how he actually views your contribution? Does he not agree you worked at the home so that he could build up his assets and therefore indirectly contributed? Woukd he really want his children to live with a mother who was struggling because their father didn't want to give up 'his' assets when they divorced? Dis he not encourage you to stay st home and benefit from it? Does he not think you contribute equally to the family but in a different way? If you need to build up your assets separately should you go back full time and he can take 50pc of the responsibility at home?

Why is he treating this as a done deal instead of discussing it like an equal partner? Why so last minute?

Bloody hell in 13 years it should be equally half yours, were there no alarm bells before now.
what a cunt, there should have been red flags from the start. Why has he got money and you haven't?

Honestly, don’t sign it as a first port of call. If he insists present him with bill for years of cleaning, childcare and PA work. You need to get married to protect your position.

In England and Wales pre-nips are legally enforceable (they are in Scotland if certain conditions are met).

mrsDrudge I think he means pre-nup as when i said “do you mean a pre-nup?” he looked very embarrassed and shifty.

I’d be curious to see what he drew up

You always needed to work. You fell into the trap of becoming dependent on some man who has no legal obligation to you at all. Get legal advice. Don't tell him. Women seriously need to wake the fuck up that packing in FT work to play housey with 'DP' is financial suicide.

A prenup is bollocks here because he’s already accumulated assets with significant help from you! Anything he has earned in the last 13 years is yours to share.

You don’t have to agree to this OP - and if you do, get independent and very robust legal advice first.

I agree I need to see what he is specifically proposing. But the devil in me feels like just putting it off/evading the issue until I basically force his hand.

Then il know how much he really wants to marry me.

If he insists present him with bill for years of cleaning, childcare and PA work.

Which means FA. Stupid move. He has NO obligation to her at all. None. Zero. Only to the kids.

Yet another one of these threads!