Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dp wants a pre-nup and i feel like shit

598 replies

lanaturnerssmile · 22/05/2019 21:56

DP told me today “we need to sort out our finances with the solicitors”. He means some sort of pre-nup. Its 8 weeks to our wedding.
We have been together for 13 years and have 3 dc’s together.
He has £££ in assets after investing his money very well. He stands to make a lot of money if things continue as they are. I have a part-time job that pays peanuts (i dont need to work i chose to out of boredom when kids started school) after being a SAHM for years and have nothing to my name. We haven’t got married before now because he’s always said he doesn’t have the spare cash and he wants us to have a proper wedding. Also neither of us were that bothered, but then i started realising it was putting me in a very precarious situation should something happen to him.
Ive been so happy planning the wedding and now i just feel so deflated. i feel like he just wants to protect himself. i dont even know how much he has - how do i know he’ll tell the truth about his assets?
I said “what if i say im not signing anything?” and he said “we’ll get something drawn up and then discuss it”. I dont think he’ll marry me unless i sign something. Im completely ignorant when it comes to legal/financial matters and i dont want to sign something that seems like a good deal and then end up getting shafted (i would obvs have an independent solicitor to try and stop that happening).
For the record i love him very much and i know he loves me. We have a great relationship. Ive been feeling so smug though about how happy we are after being together so long, still really fancy one another and all that. Now i feel like my bubble has completely burst. I feel like its changed my opinion of him in a negative way. It feels so icky.
Anyone have any experience of this?

OP posts:
Devereux1 · 01/12/2019 10:12

Blush Now I see the Zombies...

MillyMollie · 01/12/2019 10:12

I wonder what happened.

dkl55 · 01/12/2019 10:21

I Second what @DollyPomPoms says - Ive also heard pre-nups are seldom enforceable in the UK...

DollyPomPoms · 01/12/2019 10:24

dkl55...the thread is from May. OP is long gone.

GirlOnIt · 01/12/2019 10:30

Haven’t read the full thread so apologies if I’m repeating others with more experience. But at far as I’m aware a pre nup generally only holds up if it’s considered fair. Right now if nothing is in your name you’re screwed if you split.

I’d get legal advice and draw up a fair split, to me that would look like: keeping the family home, school fees/hobbies etc for the children on top of maintenance and allowance for your time out of work and reduced pension pot as you’ve stayed home with the children. So long as I felt my contribution to the family was being seriously acknowledged and me and the children would be ok, I’d be ok signing it!

I’d then divorce him for being a dick though!

GirlOnIt · 01/12/2019 10:31

Oh I probably should have read the thread 😂
Oops!

madcatladyforever · 01/12/2019 10:42

I wouldn't marry him. That would destroy it for me.
i could understand if he came to the marriage with a house and a lot of money, fair enough but you have three children and I'm guessing made this money together.
I'd tell him to get stuffed and leave.

Jenasaurus · 01/12/2019 10:49

I co-habited with my ex for 28 years, raised our 3 DC and when we spilt up, I was only entitled to half the house as we were joint owners, the fact I had no pension as had taken 10 years out to raise the DC and then worked in lower paid positions to enable his career and very generous pension meant nothing. We weren't married so its different but I did wonder if we were I would have come out of it with a portion of his pension. I was lucky that my DP realised I was vulnerable and paid into a vantage SIPP pension for me or I would be working until I die. The CF even said when my DM passed away last year that he though he was entitled to some of my inheritance! (made worse by the fact my DM never liked him for bullying the DC, verbally and physically) life isn't fair, so please be careful what you sign, it will affect the DC as well as you and I understand how shit his lack of trust in you just before the wedding has made you feel

StoutDrinker2019 · 01/12/2019 10:55

Couldn't marry a man who valued money more than anything else. Sorry op.

DonKeyshot · 01/12/2019 10:55

I persist....

The OP is long gone and didn't bother to update as whether she married or not

ZOMBIE THREAD ZOMBIE THREAD ZOMBIE THREAD
ZOMBIE THREAD ZOMBIE THREAD ZOMBIE THREAD

IdiotInDisguise · 01/12/2019 11:01

I don’t think I could go ahead with the wedding at all, I would be totally shocked at finding out my partner of 13 years and father to my children does NOT trust me.

It would certainly change forever the way I see him and our relationship. It is not about being interested in his assets but ... you CANNOT trust people who do NOT trust you as they will always be doing sneaky things “to protect” themselves and in that, they will put you in vulnerable positions and, in time, disadvantage you and your kids.

IdiotInDisguise · 01/12/2019 11:01

Ah... the Sunday’s zombie thread! Thanks 😁

Elementalillusions · 01/12/2019 11:06

With threads like this when the OP doesn’t come back I always assume it’s because she made a decision going against everyone’s advice.

So she probably signed the awful prenup which entitled her to virtually nothing and married him and didn’t come back because she didn’t want to hear everyone tell her what a mistake she was making.

ChotaPeg · 01/12/2019 11:14

Wasn't 'LanaTurnersSomething' she of the (non-paying, accusing) lodger's ripped Barbour coat? Seems to have a habit of starting an engaging thread and disappearing in a puff of LanaTurnersSmoke.

euphorbian · 01/12/2019 11:34

You both should be fair and reasonable.

I would be inclined to laugh at him as somebody else posted. That ship sailed 13years ago.

He’s going to gave a job convincing anybody that he is being fair and reasonable after all that time together.

Wheredidigowrongggggg · 01/12/2019 11:36

I so want to know what she did. Poor woman was placed in such a vulnerable position. I really do feel the law should change so that this kind of long standing, child producing relationship has as much sway as marriage for the purposes of dividing up money accrued from joint endeavour during the period of the relationship. It makes me so cross that after 13 years and 3 kids her husband felt it was time to ensure she couldn’t get her hands on the money he’d earned while she was doing everything else!

My MIL suggested a pre nup. I wasn’t averse at first. and then I realised that entering marriage on the basis of the financial position upon divorce wasn’t for me. It’s the undertones it carries: I love you now but I won’t want to share with you in 5 years when I upgrade. It’s distasteful to anyone other than a genuine gold digger which are few and far between.

Mulhollandmagoo · 01/12/2019 12:14

Why don't you get something drawn up together?? If he wants his finances protected fair enough, but explain to him that you have given up your career/earning potential and provided an environment for him to be able to continue his career, and you wish for your interests to be legally protected too!

I think a conversation between you is the most adult way to go forward, but on your shoes I wouldn't want to marry him! I would understand him presenting you with a pre nip had you been together a short amount of time and he had plenty of assets and you had nothing, but you've cared for him and his children for 13 years and his career wouldn't have been possible without your support!

Shoutymomma · 01/12/2019 15:32

You could come out of this very well. You gave up chances of career progression to raise his children and contribute to running the household. He will probably shit himself once the lawyer draws up documents showing how much he would have to give you. So... call his bluff, go along with it and play hard ball in the meeting.

Doyoumind · 01/12/2019 15:41

This thread is proof that people think they are going to be the only one with the right answer and don't bother to read anything else 🙄 Why can't people spot a zombie?

I do wonder what happened though now this thread has been resurrected.

marymungoandminge · 01/12/2019 16:34

I think it is actually alarming that people come onto a thread which already has pages and pages of posts and can't be bothered to even glance at the most recent ones which would make it clear that this is a zombie thread.

Frankola · 01/12/2019 16:39

As unromantic as they sound, they are needed in some cases.

The best thing for you to do is to see what his suggested document says and take it to get some independent legal advice.

The prenup may be to protect a financial asset he has had before he met you that he was planning to save for the kids. Without info you dont know?

dontalltalkatonce · 01/12/2019 16:47

FFS! ZOMBIE!

I really do feel the law should change so that this kind of long standing, child producing relationship has as much sway as marriage for the purposes of dividing up money accrued from joint endeavour during the period of the relationship. It makes me so cross that after 13 years and 3 kids her husband felt it was time to ensure she couldn’t get her hands on the money he’d earned while she was doing everything else!

Well, thankfully there won't be such changes. If you're foolish enough to throw away your financial security for an unmarried partner that's your lookout, not the law's or the government's.

You could come out of this very well. You gave up chances of career progression to raise his children and contribute to running the household. He will probably shit himself once the lawyer draws up documents showing how much he would have to give you.

WRONG! If you're not married, your partner doesn't have to give you FA except if the house is jointly owned and child maintenance. You have zero rights to the other party's own money or pension. It's why it's always a bad idea to become financially dependent on an unmarried partner unless you have independent wealth. SO many people, especially women, believe their unmarried relationship carries as much weight as marriage in law. It does not.

Lanaturnerssmilenow · 27/01/2020 23:21

Hi all,
I noticed there were some recent posts regarding my thread from May 2019 and I wanted to come and give an update as I did read and run to an extent back then. (But I did thoroughly read and re-read each and every answer)!

Readers, I married him! Shock

So I basically followed the advice of many wise mumsnetters on here and just didn’t sign anything. I called his bluff. I actually showed him this thread and we had several long discussions, mainly with me talking and him listening, about how disgusted I felt that he had done this to me so close to the wedding and that if he felt so strongly that he needed to protect his assets from me we probably shouldn’t be getting married.
I also made many other very good points which I borrowed from this thread Grin
I think he quickly realised he was being a bit of an arse and dropped the matter completely.
We had a wonderful wedding and we are very happy. (I won’t forget what happened though and have used the experience to my advantage)

I’ve come back to say “thank you mumsnetters” for the excellent advice given. It was an education. I am now taking steps to ensure I understand more about his business and our finances as a whole. We both have had wills drawn up and our main family home + other properties are in my name.
I feel much happier and secure now.
However I will say that although I have enjoyed my years as a sahm and felt thoroughly privileged to have had the fortune to be there 100% for them (and I can’t say Hand on heart I would change things), there IS a lot to be said for carrying working at the very least until you are married. I wouldn’t advise anyone to blithely remain unmarried for so many years, having children, whilst unsure of what the future might hold, as I did. He could have run off at any time and I would’ve been up the creek without a paddle.

Starting the thread and reading all the replies made me realise that my feelings were absolutely valid and that I am just as important if not more so, as a SAHM as he is, as the main earner.

I was so upset at the time and had no one to talk to IRL and Mumsnet was a lifeline - I felt so much more empowered armed with the information and advice given - so thanks to everyone.

PicsInRed · 27/01/2020 23:28

I'm so pleased it's worked out for you OP! 🎉

Smelborp · 27/01/2020 23:33

Yay, an update and it’s a happy one! Flowers pleased for you OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread