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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn't pick up Dd from nursery

170 replies

Pencilcase123 · 22/05/2019 17:18

I am really unsure if my disgust and sadness towards my DH is controlled by my hormones.

Dd (4) goes to a private nursery on Mon and Tue (pick up 6pm). She goes to a school nursery on Wed, Thu, Fri (pick up 3.30).
I am 8 months pregnant with twins and having breathing issues some days. Today I phoned my DH at lunchtime and asked him to pick up DD. DH had a meeting in town and said he would be finished in an hour so no problem.

My cleaner offered to pick my daughter up but DH said he would do it.

I went to bed and was phoned at 3:50 by class teacher asking if I am ok because no one picked up DD. I rushed to school and was so winded that I had to sit down for a while. The Head came to talk to me about how I was coping. The class teacher asked how I was coping. I am now sitting here at home crying.

I have never been late for anything. I would never forget to pick up my daughter. I have worked really hard to fit in at this new school and I feel totally humiliated by DH. I feel that school now have the impression that I cannot cope.

DH came home and said that "it is no big deal" and that I am just hormonal. He says he mixed up the days and thought Dd was in the other nursery where she can be picked up at 6pm.

DH saw Dd in her school nursery uniform this morning and Dd has been going there every Wednesday since September. I feel especially sad as I was going to ask DH to pick up Dd more and more as I get closer to my due date but the trust is gone.

My DH obviously thinks I am being unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:
adaline · 22/05/2019 17:21

It happens. My dad forgot to collect me once - it was normally a day my mum did it, so even if though he was reminded that morning, his brain just went Friday = DW's day.

My mum has also forgotten me before. Honestly, it's stressful but I really wouldn't go in all guns blazing about it. Think about how you'd like to be treated in similar circumstances - would you want your DH to make you feel even worse than you already did?

CarolDanvers · 22/05/2019 17:22

I can see why you're upset. My daughter being left waiting and then me being questioned at nursery thing would have infuriated me, having to go through that because of someone else's mistake. However it does sound like a genuine mistake. Do these mistakes happen with any regularity with him?

callmeadoctor · 22/05/2019 17:23

Why didn't you ring him when the nursery rang you?

Original poster
Pencilcase123 · 22/05/2019 17:24

@CarolDanvers no, he is normally very good. This is why today was such a shock.

OP posts:
miaCara · 22/05/2019 17:24

Dont be hard on either of you. Its an easy mistake to make from what your DH said. He probably wouldnt have clocked DD in her uniform as indicating which nursery he was to pick up at. I know I wouldnt have immediately realised which of 2 places I was to go on a particular day if it was out of the ordinary.

It was all okay in the end. School contacted you and you got there as quickly as you could. DD was fine playing a little longer than usual and DH will get better at remembering once youve told him how you feel...

herculepoirot2 · 22/05/2019 17:25

It happens.

blackcat86 · 22/05/2019 17:25

Is he apologetic at all that you had to rush out at 8 months pregnant (with twins!) because it sounds like he has a bit of a meh approach. You need to force him to step up. I appreciate the trust is now an issue but you will soon have 3 children and whilst you may have been able to cover for him with 1, you can't split yourself 3 ways. I'm not judging or criticising you. My marriage is in crisis due to DHs lack of giving a shit and leaving all responsibilities to me. Its easy to swoop in but the he isn't learning from those mistakes the way you would have had to in those early parenting days. Did you call him before going to pick DD up? Is he generally involved and good at home or is this part of a wider issue?

Original poster
Pencilcase123 · 22/05/2019 17:25

Callmeadoctor I did ring him as I ran up the road and asked where he was and he said he was still in town (Which is 40mins away).

OP posts:
Dyrne · 22/05/2019 17:26

OP it’s was a mistake; it happens. Don’t martyr yourself and belittle your husband by treating this as some massive breach of trust.

Did you even try to call your DH after the nursery called you?

Biscuitsneeded · 22/05/2019 17:26

I think it's both, but I really feel for you. That could so easily have happened to me; I am always organised, never late etc but my DP is very absent-minded and has done similarly rubbish things concerning the children before. I think you have every right to be annoyed with your DH, although if he isn't generally useless perhaps this was a genuine misunderstanding. However, I think you shouldn't beat yourself up too much about the school thinking you can't cope. They were probably just concerned to see you steaming in at 8 months pregnant, especially if you are struggling to breathe. When you go in tomorrow, find the class teacher who had to wait behind and make a point of saying "so sorry we kept you waiting yesterday; my husband got confused". I am quite sure they will not think any more of it.

theboomtownrat · 22/05/2019 17:26

When I was a baby my mum left me in a pram outside the newsagents in our local village. She got home before she realised! I was the first baby and she was very sleep deprived!
These things happen
Don't worry.
I can see why you are annoyed but I'm sure he didn't mean to do it. Be kind to yourselves over the next wee while, you've got a busy time coming up

FunnyHappyGirl · 22/05/2019 17:26

While I can understand where you're coming from OP, and I say this with as much sympathy and empathy as I can - I do think that you're overreacting slightly.

Yes, your DP should have realised what time he needed to pick her up, but on the face of it it seems like a genuine mistake. My Gran left my Mum outside a shop in a pram when she was a baby. For over an hour. It happens.

Your DD was safe and was being looked after. You weren't the first person they've ever had to call at the end of the day and you won't be the last. They'll have seen that you were genuinely remorseful that she'd been "forgotten" so you're already in higher estimation to them than the parents who are habitually late.

The nursery staff seem like they were genuinely concerned about you and I would have been too. At 8 months pregnant with twins and breathless and rushing to the school I'd have been concerned you weren't about to pass out on me!

Be kind to yourself and let your DH do more pickups. You're going to need his help and this shouldn't put you off.

HolesinTheSoles · 22/05/2019 17:26

I think everyone can make an honest mistake - especially if they aren't normally the one doing the pick up. It would piss me off if he wasn't at least apologetic and determined to be more on the ball next time. I wouldn't let him off the hook about doing pick ups when he's able to. If he never does it he'll never learn what needs to be done on what day.

Malbecfan · 22/05/2019 17:26

It is humiliating for you, but the teacher and Head seemed to have been nice about it. Your DH is probably a bit like mine: single-track mind so if he's at work, that's it. All he can focus on is work. Today I was working in the afternoon. I asked DH to take the bread out of the bread-maker around 30 minutes after I had to go out. He had to set 3 alarms to remind himself but DD18 who is on study leave did it before he even came back in the house

You know the routine, he probably doesn't. Your DD is ok, you'll get over it. Next time, be more explicit. Text him with the location AND the time so then there's no excuse. If you weren't pg I'd suggest a therapeutic G&T. I guess you could have tonic with ice & a slice instead but here are some Flowers. Now rest up and look after yourself and your 2 littlies

ThriftyMcThrifty · 22/05/2019 17:27

It does happen. Sounds like nursery were very nice to you and just wanted to check you were ok. I’ve got a newborn and have been barely coping, no shame in that - pregnancy/new babies are hard. Don’t be embarrassed, I’m sure the school see this often. I’d definitely have your husband start picking her up more - doubt he will mix the times up again.

Dyrne · 22/05/2019 17:27

Cross post.

It’s ok to be a bit fucked off that you had to go out; but don’t blow this up into something bigger than it needs to be.

Original poster
Pencilcase123 · 22/05/2019 17:28

@blackcat he is involved and a good Dad but he seems completely meh about what happened today. He is not apologetic and seems to think it is not a big deal. There is a wider issue of him never admitting he is wrong. Things are either so confusing that everyone would make the same mistake or it is my fault in some way. He finds it impossible to admit that he is to blame for something.

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 22/05/2019 17:30

I would be more annoyed that he called you hormonal (when it was him that forgot HIS child), then I would throttle him!!

Dyrne · 22/05/2019 17:31

But it’s not a big deal really is it?

deepflatflyer · 22/05/2019 17:31

Don't assume he will put two and two together based on what your DD is wearing. My DH is a great bloke but not very bright sometimes. You will probably need to spell it out clearly in future - don't assume anything.

Don't worry about what nursery think - make light of it and explain that you need to be crystal clear with your DH in future. I'm sure nobody thinks you're not coping - just feel sorry for you having to rush around when you're heavily pregnant with twins.

Don't be too hard on DH or yourself.

MiniMum97 · 22/05/2019 17:31

I used to pick my son up everyday yet still managed to go to the wrong place to collect him on more than one occasion (he was either at school or at an separate after school club in different premises depending on he day of the week). It happens.

Singlenotsingle · 22/05/2019 17:32

No harm done. You're overreacting a bit; blame the hormones.

callmeadoctor · 22/05/2019 17:32

It is a big deal if he doesn't care about the OP (which he doesn't seem to do!)

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 22/05/2019 17:32

Actually your dh is being a bit shit really. My dh is pleased whenever he is able to pick up dc from school or nursery because he enjoys spending time with them and likes them.
I don't believe he could have been mixed up because it was arranged at lunchtime that day.
Maybe you need a holiday away so he can learn how to look after dc1 and prioritise his family.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 22/05/2019 17:32

"It happens".

Forgetting to collect your child.
I damn well hope that's not the norm
The sense I'm getting through some of these posts is that op is in the wrong to be peeved. .