DH didn't pick up Dd from nursery

[Pencilcase123]

I am really unsure if my disgust and sadness towards my DH is controlled by my hormones.

Dd (4) goes to a private nursery on Mon and Tue (pick up 6pm). She goes to a school nursery on Wed, Thu, Fri (pick up 3.30).
I am 8 months pregnant with twins and having breathing issues some days. Today I phoned my DH at lunchtime and asked him to pick up DD. DH had a meeting in town and said he would be finished in an hour so no problem.

My cleaner offered to pick my daughter up but DH said he would do it.

I went to bed and was phoned at 3:50 by class teacher asking if I am ok because no one picked up DD. I rushed to school and was so winded that I had to sit down for a while. The Head came to talk to me about how I was coping. The class teacher asked how I was coping. I am now sitting here at home crying.

I have never been late for anything. I would never forget to pick up my daughter. I have worked really hard to fit in at this new school and I feel totally humiliated by DH. I feel that school now have the impression that I cannot cope.

DH came home and said that "it is no big deal" and that I am just hormonal. He says he mixed up the days and thought Dd was in the other nursery where she can be picked up at 6pm.

DH saw Dd in her school nursery uniform this morning and Dd has been going there every Wednesday since September. I feel especially sad as I was going to ask DH to pick up Dd more and more as I get closer to my due date but the trust is gone.

My DH obviously thinks I am being unreasonable. Am I?

When you asked him to do the pick up, did you remind him it was the early pick up day and which nursery it was? Is he usually able to leave work early when he feels like it. I know men should know their child's routine as well as the mother/primary carer does, but full time work does often take over the mind from other things. He should have been extremely sorry though and apologise to the nursery next time he is there. It may have meant the nursery was out of staffing ratio for a while. He should also pay the extra late fee.

My ex forgot to pick me up from the hospital after my 40 week antenatal check. Is that worse?!

I don't agree that mums tend to remember and dads don't.

The person usually responsible for pick ups tends to remember, rather.

I don't know the exact times my teenage son finishes classes except the latest one because sometimes I pick him up. I know the start times, because I almost always drop him off.

ExH had no trouble remembering to pick up DS because he always did it.

@Lweji agree! i remember drop offs (breakfast club, childminder or club), husbands pick ups (judo, tennis or childminder), because that is what we usually do!.

Give him another chance. But next time, after you speak to DH about picking dd up. Follow up by calling the school and let the school know Dad is picking up and ensure they have his number Incase it’s needed. He may be more embarrassed if it is the school calling him!

Well it does happen - but imagine if you didn't know where your dd was all day? Why doesn't he know where she is?

He needs to take responsibility for the emotional & administrative labour of family life. At the moment it sounds like he is leaving this all to you. Surely he has a diary/calander he can manage to use?

I don't agree that mums tend to remember and dads don't.

Just ask any school secretary who has to call because a parent didn't turn up, and it's definitively not just the dads, far from it.

We all forget stuff sometimes. But he was asked on the actual day. He will need to step up further with the imminent arrival of twins. I think he was rude and dismissive the way he spoke to you. Plus minimising it all

It seems that he didn't forget at all, he just made a mistake about the pick-up time.

If his wife told her she was humiliated and in all states of upset, you can imagine why his reply was that it's not a big deal! Because it isn't.

If I read the OP right, it sounds like the head and the teacher asked how she was because of her late pregnancy state, as concerned people would, not questioning her parenting skills! If you see anyone out of breath, you ask if they are ok, it's not a judgement.

He didn't actually forget though, just got his days mixed up.

You are overreacting a bit OP, I would have been pretty sharp with DH over this but then let it go. We all screw up sometimes. Your DD was quite safe and your DH is unlikely to do this again.

If he does drop off at any point though he should apologise to the staff for any inconvenience. He won't be the first or the last.

You are really pregnant! Go easy on yourself. No one is judging you, you don't need to be humiliated. Shit happens.

I work in retail and people often have different shifts every week. More than once people have turned up on a day they're not working or at the wrong time. I've done it myself, and I don't even have kids!

Also, I wonder if they asked how you're coping because you are 8 months pregnant with twins and have a 4 year old but have signed up for a lot of school related responsibilities too.

The school won’t hold it against you. I recently received a call from DD2’s school asking me to pick up. DH was supposed to do it. I said I would check with him, as he is a lot closer to school than my office, but he didn’t answer (in fact, I can’t remember why he forget, as it isn’t important really).

I called school back, said I couldn’t get hold of DH, I would come straight away, but would be 30-40 minutes. They said to drive safely, DD was in the office and quite happy, staff member there for another hour.

I did make sure they knew it was his mistake though

When my dh screws something up I take it as a sign he doesn’t get involved enough and needs to do more. Op, you’re physically struggling and practically overdue at 8 months with twins. From here on tell both nurseries that your dp is the first point of contact until the babies are born, and have him do either pick up or drop off daily to help you rest. It’s not going to be for very long till babies are here- a week or two maybe.

Slightly OT but have you had your iron levels checked recently? Breathlessness in my twin pregnancy was down to slight anaemia. Also make sure you stay hydrated. Best of luck

Yanbu. Mistakes happen but I think this is a mistake too far. His unapologetic attitude is arrogant and infuriating.

I'm the first to call out lazy parenting DPs on this forum but you are overreacting. This could happen to anyone. Happened to me heaps of times as a kid.

As a parent it hasn't happened to me yet, but there has been a time I arrived to nursery for pick up to find DP had picked ds up an hour ago. I felt a bit silly and embarrassed, but hey.

Consider that when you have newborn twins it will most certainly happen to you.

Any time you change the routine it's disturbingly easy to forget. There have been a few cases in the USA and Australia where parents had some change in nursery drop off routine, forgot their baby was in the car with them, and continued on to work or gone inside the house. The baby has then died in the heat of the car.

I must be a very bad mum then as I forgot my daughter several times and I was the one who dropped her off! It happens please don't blame your DH (mine as also forgotten his DD strange how we've never forgotten the DS?)

She was safe and looked after. Think perhaps a lil OTT of the school to question you on how you are coping after only one slip up.

I hope all these posts don't discourage you from standing up for yourself against your ' I'm always right and don't need to apologise and you are just oversensitive' husband.

To all those women who post in relationships ' why did you get yourself into such a situation with him?' Just read these posts to see why. A man gets a lot of slack in being shit, relies on woman to do his remembering, doesn't apologise for mistakes or recognise impact on his wife/partner, and blames her for the impact of HIS mistakes on her, and yet when she confides in others she is told SHE has the problem.

SO she internalises the blame for his bad behaviour, tries harder to be an understanding wife (without being understood herself of course) and stays. Excusing men, blaming women. This is how is starts.