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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH didn't pick up Dd from nursery

170 replies

Pencilcase123 · 22/05/2019 17:18

I am really unsure if my disgust and sadness towards my DH is controlled by my hormones.

Dd (4) goes to a private nursery on Mon and Tue (pick up 6pm). She goes to a school nursery on Wed, Thu, Fri (pick up 3.30).
I am 8 months pregnant with twins and having breathing issues some days. Today I phoned my DH at lunchtime and asked him to pick up DD. DH had a meeting in town and said he would be finished in an hour so no problem.

My cleaner offered to pick my daughter up but DH said he would do it.

I went to bed and was phoned at 3:50 by class teacher asking if I am ok because no one picked up DD. I rushed to school and was so winded that I had to sit down for a while. The Head came to talk to me about how I was coping. The class teacher asked how I was coping. I am now sitting here at home crying.

I have never been late for anything. I would never forget to pick up my daughter. I have worked really hard to fit in at this new school and I feel totally humiliated by DH. I feel that school now have the impression that I cannot cope.

DH came home and said that "it is no big deal" and that I am just hormonal. He says he mixed up the days and thought Dd was in the other nursery where she can be picked up at 6pm.

DH saw Dd in her school nursery uniform this morning and Dd has been going there every Wednesday since September. I feel especially sad as I was going to ask DH to pick up Dd more and more as I get closer to my due date but the trust is gone.

My DH obviously thinks I am being unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:

diddl · 22/05/2019 18:11

There's no reason for you to feel humiliated though, Op & it is obviously ridiculius to say that the trust has gone.

I think that you have too many feelings about this.

You say that you have worked hard to fit in-what on earth is that all about?

That said, he does seem to be trying to brush aside his part in it & focussing on your (over)reation.

diddl · 22/05/2019 18:13

" When you asked dh to pick up did you tell him which nursery he’s needed to be at? "

Did he ask??

Scardanelli · 22/05/2019 18:13

OP, I wouldn't worry overmuch about this one. I don't think he'll forget again. Plus I doubt that his male brain computes 'child in uniform' and 'child's location' and comes to any kind of sensible conclusion.

My dad occasionally forgot to pick me up from school, on the rare occasions he was supposed to. I still love him to bits. My mum was more cross about him forgetting to pick her up from town when she was 8 months pg and also had a baby, a toddler, and a million bags of shopping for a dinner party for his benefit. She still reminds him of it now, and they've been married 50 years.

resipsa · 22/05/2019 18:13

And I am sure the school staff were just being kind when you were obviously distressed. One missed pick up is not likely to cause alarm bells to ring or, frankly, be remembered if she starts reception come September. School staff are always dealing with far more issues than we as parents imagine when we are guilty of a minor transgression. Don't be too hard on DH. Understandable oversight.

Scardanelli · 22/05/2019 18:13

I also wondered about the 'working hard to fit in' thing. Why would you need to do that?

Original poster

Pencilcase123 · 22/05/2019 18:13

@Auntpetunia2015 I did not tell him which nursery because when he said he was finishing in an hour I assumed he knew it was school nursery. We had also all talked this morning with Dd at breakfast about Dds upcoming day including seeing her favourite teacher.
Dh then saw her dressed in uniform. Private nursery does not have a uniform.

DH has occasionally dropped of and picked up before but I am a SAHM and mostly do all nursery stuff.

Dd did not mind in the slightest and was happily engrossed in something when I arrived.

OP posts:

2toddlers · 22/05/2019 18:13

I think you've overreacted, he's mixed up the days not intentionally left her there. I'd probably feel a bit stupid when I went to get her but I'd have pointed out it was my husband who had the mix up. You must have looked really stressed when you did arrive for them to question if you were coping. I'm sure it happens lots where there are several people doing pick ups and drop offs.

Today I messaged my mum at 3.10 (daughter finishes at 3.15) just to make sure she knew it was her day, I had a feeling she'd forgotten (as I hadn't reminded her 6 times as I normally do). I'm pretty sure we are going to mix up at some point.

Don't stress over it, your daughter was fine.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 22/05/2019 18:14

Did he say sorry at all OP?

Oakmaiden · 22/05/2019 18:14

My mum forgot to pick me up from boarding school once, at the end of term.

Not that I hold grudges...

Purpleartichoke · 22/05/2019 18:14

He made a big mistake, but one that anyone could have made. The correct reaction on his part should have been to apologize and then let you rest for the rest of the evening.

Scardanelli · 22/05/2019 18:15

I am definitely going to "forget" to collect my boarders for the summer holidays, @Oakmaiden

HogMother · 22/05/2019 18:16

I wonder if they were more concerned at your presentation when you arrived and hadn’t to sit down. You won’t be the first parent to collect late.
I’ve spent today convinced it’s tuesday, despite taking my son to the place he goes every weds. Mix ups happen I’m afraid.

Original poster

Pencilcase123 · 22/05/2019 18:18

@Scardanelli I suppose I phrased that badly. I mean I have tried to make a good impression. Helping out at all school events, doing bake sales, joining the PTA ect.. My Dd will be at the school for 7 years and the twins mean we will be there even longer. I have just wanted for the parent school relationship to start off on a good note.

OP posts:

PollyShelby · 22/05/2019 18:20

The school won't judge you at all. Honestly it happens more than you'd imagine.

No big deal

Intothe · 22/05/2019 18:20

I've seen posters crucified for daring to suggest that men are generally incompetent.... If the cap fits.

tiredvommachine · 22/05/2019 18:22

My DH fell asleep only last week and forgot to get DS from nursery , I had an inkling that this might have happened (he'd been awake all night and then went to work all day) and wasn't answering my texts as I was also at work. I rang nursery at 5.40 (pick up before 5.30) to confirm DS still there and got in-laws to go and collect him. Nursery were absolutely fine about it, I felt guilty though so went to Tesco on my way home and bought a tonne of biscuits to send in with DS in the morning. It does happen OP, good luck with the rest of your Pg

thenightsky · 22/05/2019 18:22

I'd be cross too. My DH has form doing just this sort of thing and reading your OP brought back memories. I think its not that he just forgot, but that he never noticed what she was wearing that morning or even what bloody day it was! Its the way he is detached from the day-to-day stuff in a way that you can never be. Every time my DH did something like this it just confirmed how much more I had to take responsibly for everything child related. I lost my trust. Kids have survived to adulthood though

Scardanelli · 22/05/2019 18:29

@Pencilcase123 Thank you for clarifying. It's easy for me to say all of this because I'm right at the other end of it - but honestly, nobody at school will ever remember this or give it another minute's thought. I promise you. They probably just asked the sorts of questions they have to ask nowadays (when mine were small, nobody would have asked if anyone was coping if they were late picking up - which had its advantages as well as its disadvantages...)

Icandothisallday · 22/05/2019 18:39

People get defensive. It happens especially when the other person is very angry.

The school are asking if you are ok, because they needed to. They arent that bothered and no one is judging you.

You seem more angry at him because of your own feelings about the school speaking to you. But that you interpreting their questions as an attack on you. It's not.

MsTSwift · 22/05/2019 18:40

I’ve forgotten to pick up kids crashed cars cocked up holiday bookings. Dh has never not once blamed me or even been cross.

Mingmoo · 22/05/2019 18:41

It's also human nature to try to minimise a mistake we've made if someone else seems to think it's worse than we do. I bet if you'd said, 'it was just a mistake, it could have happened to anyone,' he'd have apologised and said how terrible he feels. At the moment he feels bad and is being pushed into being defensive about his behaviour because your reaction is so strong. It drives me mad on the rare occasions when my DH does this but I also recognise that a lot of the time it's triggered by me being over the top in getting cross about something. Scale your reaction down if you can, and try not to make it into a life problem rather than an unfortunate one-off.

SkintAsASkintThing · 22/05/2019 18:46

It's just one of those things and pretty much asking to happen when you have different pick ups.

Time to move on, maybe get your partner to take her in tomorrow and explain what had happened.

ineedaholidaynow · 22/05/2019 18:49

DS used to go after school club on Fridays, finishing at 4.30. At the end of his first term I happily got to school just before 4.30, thinking everywhere looked quiet. Went to the room where I usually picked him there was DS looking a bit sad with no other children around and one not so happy looking teacher. Turns out that no only did after school club not run on the last day of term but school actually finished early, so I was nearly 2 hours late Why they didn't phone me I do not know. I was mortified. Never wanted to step foot in the place again.

Think they sent letters out the next term to remind parents to pick up early . Wish they had done that the first term, I just hadn't looked at the school calendar close enough, saw the last day of term but not the fact the end time was different. I never did it again.

SunshineCake · 22/05/2019 18:51

MsTswift - no, I'm obviously not the OP's DH . He isn't sorry or understanding of how his wife and daughter felt. That's what makes him a prat. If he was apologetic and hadn't called his wife a derogatory name then I'm sure the OP wouldn't be feeling as she is.

slipperywhensparticus · 22/05/2019 18:55

Every day sexism on this thread? OP is hormonal her DP is work focused and its perfectly acceptable to forget your own child 🙄

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