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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH didn't pick up Dd from nursery

170 replies

Pencilcase123 · 22/05/2019 17:18

I am really unsure if my disgust and sadness towards my DH is controlled by my hormones.

Dd (4) goes to a private nursery on Mon and Tue (pick up 6pm). She goes to a school nursery on Wed, Thu, Fri (pick up 3.30).
I am 8 months pregnant with twins and having breathing issues some days. Today I phoned my DH at lunchtime and asked him to pick up DD. DH had a meeting in town and said he would be finished in an hour so no problem.

My cleaner offered to pick my daughter up but DH said he would do it.

I went to bed and was phoned at 3:50 by class teacher asking if I am ok because no one picked up DD. I rushed to school and was so winded that I had to sit down for a while. The Head came to talk to me about how I was coping. The class teacher asked how I was coping. I am now sitting here at home crying.

I have never been late for anything. I would never forget to pick up my daughter. I have worked really hard to fit in at this new school and I feel totally humiliated by DH. I feel that school now have the impression that I cannot cope.

DH came home and said that "it is no big deal" and that I am just hormonal. He says he mixed up the days and thought Dd was in the other nursery where she can be picked up at 6pm.

DH saw Dd in her school nursery uniform this morning and Dd has been going there every Wednesday since September. I feel especially sad as I was going to ask DH to pick up Dd more and more as I get closer to my due date but the trust is gone.

My DH obviously thinks I am being unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:

moonrises · 22/05/2019 17:48

It's annoying and one of those things, but yanbu at the minimisation to how you are feeling.

Don't worry too much about the school though, I have had children in their school for 10 years and been a school governor and I still cried all over the head teacher and senior leaders about something the other day. (Proper snotty crying and everything)

ElizaPancakes · 22/05/2019 17:50

I also think you’re overreacting, but I do understand why and have sympathy.

I’d be pissed off too that I was woken and had to get up because my husband was a div, and I would tear him a new one for suggesting it was because of hormones. School don’t think badly of you at all! They were asking if you’re ok because you’re 8 months pregnant and had to sit down because you were winded!

I think this is a perfect opportunity for your husband to step up and do more pick ups. Don’t reward him forgetting by martyring yourself while so pregnant.

RomanyQueen1 · 22/05/2019 17:50

I did this at school once, it happens.
just make sure your dh knows what he is doing in future.
Tell him it was important and you aren't being OTT, he should have been there and feeling bad he screwed up rather than minimising it.

JoyceDivision · 22/05/2019 17:50

He has said he thought she was at the 6pm nursery, not the 3:30pm finish nursery? So likely he was intending to pick her up, but had got the days / nursery wrong. So he hadn',t completely forgot, he was thinking it was 6pm?

In that case, while I appreciate you are cross and feeling knackered, it's more of a mix up.

Plus, one of the safest places to forget a child is at school: DBs checked staff and safeguarding staff watching them!

With regards to staff asking if you are ok, if you are usually organised and rushing to the point you felt a bit unwell, the staff were probably genuinely concerned you were ok and nothing has happened to hold anyone up.

We have had to ring for forgotten children and once an extended family member didn't collect as they had been in an accident on the way to scho and no one in the family was aware.

Hope you feel.better soon, op

Milicentbystander72 · 22/05/2019 17:51

It's annoying and irritating but I wouldn't let it make you loose all trust in your DH.

It can't be as bad as me, who once remembered to get to school on time to pick up my dd in Y3 and totally forgot the existence of my ds in Y1! I was buckling my seat belt up in the car when my dd asked where ds was!!
I really shocked myself with that one. I think I must have been VERY tired.

NoineNoine · 22/05/2019 17:51

If I cocked up and that was dh reaction I’d be thinking seriously about whether we could stay married.

Thank you for saying this. I thought I was going mad there for a sec. A relationship where my spouse behaved like I was an underling who would be fired if I made a mistake looking after my own child doesn't sound too pleasant to me.

Stroller15 · 22/05/2019 17:52

I think yabu OP. These things do happen with the best of intentions. If it happened to you, you wouldn't expect this type of reaction from your DH. So please be gentle on yourself and don't hold it against him, like you say it's not like him and he is a good dad. My good dad forgot me at secondary school in year 10 while he went to fetch me at primary school and was then angry at me for not being at the right school!

herculepoirot2 · 22/05/2019 17:52

NoineNoine

Me too. We all make mistakes.

QueenOfTheEighthKingdom · 22/05/2019 17:53

YANBU I would have been spitting feathers. If he wasn't sure where your DD was he should have double checked with you. It sounds like he was aware that he needed to pick her up at 3.30 as he said he'd be done in an hour at lunchtime.

The correct reaction from him would have been to be very apologetic, and feel terrible his DD was left waiting and you had to overexert yourself to rush down there to get her, not try to make out you're a crazy hormonal pregnant woman. He sounds like an utter knob.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 22/05/2019 17:54

So none of you would've apologised for forgetting/messing up?

Sirzy · 22/05/2019 17:55

He did explain why he got confused though so that should be the end of it.

herculepoirot2 · 22/05/2019 17:55

YourSarcasmIsDripping

I would apologise, but I would be pissed off if my partner was crying/telling me they would never be able to trust me again with my child. Obviously the OP is pregnant so it’s extenuating circumstances but otherwise I wouldn’t be very happy.

Original poster

Pencilcase123 · 22/05/2019 17:55

It seems like IABU. I have always been so super aware of being on time because I was always the last kid to be picked up and I remember how crappy it felt. Reading your responses I probably do need to get over this and chalk it up as a genuine mistake.

My husband said that he was going to be finished in an hour at lunchtime but decided to stay in a cafe in town and work longer to pick up Dd on the way home at 6pm. After my phone call he came home asap.

I just wished he was a bit more sorry about this, although posters are correct that I wouldn't want to be dragged over the coals if I had made the same mistake.

OP posts:

Seeline · 22/05/2019 17:57

I think it really depends who normally collects her. As a sahm, I always did pickups unless I was really ill and DH had to take time off. If he was picking up I would always have given precise instructions as to who, where and when. Even now they are teens, I still deal with all their activities, and whilst DH is able to do sine of the evening events, I would still need to supply the details.

Butterymuffin · 22/05/2019 17:58

Mistakes are made, yes, but it's then good to at least say you're sorry. The husband seems totally resistant to that and has made it his 'hormonal' wife's fault, therefore is being a dick. It's not that he isn't allowed to ever make a mistake.

I'd be very tempted to forget various things you do for him (laundry, making him lunch for work, reminding him of things) and when it comes up, shrug and say 'well, it's not a big deal, is it?'

NoineNoine · 22/05/2019 17:59

@YourSarcasmIsDripping

I'm ashamed to say that I probably wouldn't have apologised if my spouse over reacted and made me feel like garbage. But then again, my reaction is probably coloured by my nasty ex who would make a humongous deal out of any little mistake I made while conveniently brushing his own under a carpet. He always used to gripe I wasn't apologetic enough too..

sergeilavrov · 22/05/2019 18:01

Perhaps suggest he read up on why hormones are an adaptive strategy to cope with problematic environments (I'm happy to recommend a few extremely long, difficult scientific papers if you want ).

I hope your daughter is okay. You sound like a wonderful mum, good luck with your twins and dealing with the problematic environment of a dh - your feelings are always valid, always.

PotteringAlong · 22/05/2019 18:02

Meh, I forgot to TAKE my youngest 2 to nursery last week. I dropped the big one and breakfast club and then as we were going down the motorway slip road DS 2 asked why we weren’t going to nursery that day

At least he said it before I got to work...!

Dyrne · 22/05/2019 18:02

The thing is OP, what do you expect by “a bit more sorry”? Down on his knees begging for forgiveness? Sackcloth and ashes?

He was obviously contrite by coming straight home rather than continuing to work. I’d expect a “oh shit, sorry, got the nurseries and timings mixed up and thought I had till 6.30” kind of apology, not continued self-flaggelation.

Dyrne · 22/05/2019 18:05

NoineNoine I’d be the same; i’d Be perfectly ready to apologise for the fuck up and the inconvenience to DP; but if he jumped in and said he was “disgusted” with me, the trust was gone etc etc; I would refuse to apologise in general principle.

Original poster

Pencilcase123 · 22/05/2019 18:06

@Dyrne You make a good point. I think that quite childishly I want him to feel as rotten as I do about all this. He didn't get treated like the parent who couldn't cope, he didn't feel humiliated. I think I want him to feel sad about all this but he is probably right and I am just being too hormonal.

OP posts:

Auntpetunia2015 · 22/05/2019 18:08

It does happen it shouldn’t but I’m more surprised school waited that long to call you. Every school I’ve known has a 15 minute “running late” window and then they call a parent. When you asked dh to pick up did you tell him which nursery he’s needed to be at? He needs to acknowledge that it is a big deal his child was left with staff and all other children had been collected I’ve known dc who would be hysterical crying once it became obvious that no one was there for them. Was your dd ok ? Or upset.

Dyrne · 22/05/2019 18:10

Pencilcase123 I get it, mum guilt is a terrible thing; but honestly, your DD won’t even remember this. You haven’t traumatised her for life.

And there’s no need to feel humiliated. I’m sure nursery teachers see their fair share of sobbing pregnant mothers!

As much as I hate blaming things on pregnancy, I think this very much is a factor here - honestly, the normal reaction here would have been to rush into the nursery apologising profusely explaining that your DH had a mix up; not to burst into tears.

warriorprincessandwidowed · 22/05/2019 18:11

Pregnant or not...

Eye rolling here ffs...

Grow up your about to have twins

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 22/05/2019 18:11

I turned up to pick ds from school once at normal time 3:30pm, only to find out it was half day and they finished at 1pm. It happens. It may happen again. Whether it’s due to work, a meeting, a new baby, parents do forget but it’s not the end of the world. She was safe and that’s the main thing!

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