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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn't pick up Dd from nursery

170 replies

Pencilcase123 · 22/05/2019 17:18

I am really unsure if my disgust and sadness towards my DH is controlled by my hormones.

Dd (4) goes to a private nursery on Mon and Tue (pick up 6pm). She goes to a school nursery on Wed, Thu, Fri (pick up 3.30).
I am 8 months pregnant with twins and having breathing issues some days. Today I phoned my DH at lunchtime and asked him to pick up DD. DH had a meeting in town and said he would be finished in an hour so no problem.

My cleaner offered to pick my daughter up but DH said he would do it.

I went to bed and was phoned at 3:50 by class teacher asking if I am ok because no one picked up DD. I rushed to school and was so winded that I had to sit down for a while. The Head came to talk to me about how I was coping. The class teacher asked how I was coping. I am now sitting here at home crying.

I have never been late for anything. I would never forget to pick up my daughter. I have worked really hard to fit in at this new school and I feel totally humiliated by DH. I feel that school now have the impression that I cannot cope.

DH came home and said that "it is no big deal" and that I am just hormonal. He says he mixed up the days and thought Dd was in the other nursery where she can be picked up at 6pm.

DH saw Dd in her school nursery uniform this morning and Dd has been going there every Wednesday since September. I feel especially sad as I was going to ask DH to pick up Dd more and more as I get closer to my due date but the trust is gone.

My DH obviously thinks I am being unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:
themiddlestair · 22/05/2019 20:04

There is a wider issue of him never admitting he is wrong. Things are either so confusing that everyone would make the same mistake or it is my fault in some way. He finds it impossible to admit that he is to blame for something

This is the issue, not the one off forgetting to pick your daughter up. It is very difficult to live with someone like this. Sounds a bit gaslighty to make you out to be hormonal and unreasonable when it could all have been solved with him simply saying ' Oh my God I forgot. got days mixed up, I'm so sorry'.
How is your marriage?

shushymcshush · 22/05/2019 20:11

OP, I would be annoyed too. Annoyed because:

  1. he said he would pick her up & didn't
  1. you are poorly
  2. it is embarrassing for you
  3. he blamed your hormones and accepted no responsibility
  4. I would be worried that DD would feel sad/worried

"One job and he blew it"

Its the total failure to accept responsibility. But I have little patience for hopeless husbands (having spend a long time training mine to get a clue Grin ).

Explain everything to him next time and go over it again. Double check he knows which nursery, what time, teacher's name etc. Text him 10 mins before next pick up to check he is there & ready. He needs to get involved & help you but you need to supervise him to restore the trust. Otherwise you will try to do everything yourself and run yourself into the ground.

Brew
Lllot5 · 22/05/2019 20:13

I forgot my son was at cubs once. Just completely went out of my mind. My neighbour brought him home when she picked her own son up.
Much more relaxed about who did the picking up in those days.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 22/05/2019 20:14

It's the lack of apology,minimising and dismissive attitude that is the big deal.

Yes we all agree making a mistake isn't, refusing to accept you made one is.

themiddlestair · 22/05/2019 20:16

Ok, I've read the thread now and I really don't think most posters have got what this issue is about.

My husband is 'always right and never apologises'. If I were to tell people a one off event it would sound trivial. But, over the years, the continual pattern of it wears you down. The message is clear, your views and opinions and feelings are worthless. Your attempt to assert yourself is dismissed out of hand. You are never right and if you try to assert yourself, you are told you are over-reacting/ over sensitive.

By refusing to recognise the rimpact of his mistake on you, that simple repair of a small tear in a
social relationship, that most people do automatically, that means that small tear is never repaired, and is ripped bigger and bigger over the years.

My husband is now my Ex.

Teddybear45 · 22/05/2019 20:19

He sounds like a dick really and a shit dad.

Dyrne · 22/05/2019 20:34

Reading between the lines though, it sounds like he did apologise ; just not to OP’s standard. She admits that I think that quite childishly I want him to feel as rotten as I do about all this.

user1486131602 · 22/05/2019 21:08

So long as your daughter is safe and happy, let it go.
Your hormones won’t be helping and it sounds as if you are really struggling, perhaps your Dr could advise.
Kiss your daughter, forgive the hubby, and look forward to the twins.
Good luck 😉

Jasging · 22/05/2019 21:13

I'd be fuming. My husband is quite crap at remembering things and on the one day I asked him to do a school pick up as I swapped my work days he forgot! Drives me mad. Men. Wait until you have school holidays to contend with different places each day!

NanooCov · 22/05/2019 21:25

I think you're blowing it out of proportion.

The teachers will not think you cannot cope, they will have been worried you are 8 months pregnant and were struggling to breathe because of your dash to nursery. They were showing concern, not doubting your parenting skills.

Your DH made a simple mistake. Annoying but not the end of the world. He won't do it again. To say "the trust is gone" is completely melodramatic.

FreeWee · 22/05/2019 21:26

I think what you're angry and frustrated about is him underreacting. Am I right?

MsTSwift · 22/05/2019 21:35

Christ what do you want sackcloth and ashes?

boobirdblue · 22/05/2019 22:16

Bit harsh @Teddybear45! He sounds like he made a genuine mistake. A shit dad would've said no I'm not doing that... or OP would've not even bothered wasting her time asking.

Willowkoko · 22/05/2019 22:23

I feel for you OP, I have a 4 yo DD and pregnant with twins! I would definitely be cross with my DH if he had done that, but I know for a fact he wouldn’t of noticed what she was wearing in the morning and with a busy day at work, it’s easy to make a mistake.

I’d let this one go, of course you can trust him to collect his DD, you just need to be firm on the timings, I still do this with my DH occasionally... just drop a text... ‘hi you collecting DD at 3:30?’

iolaus · 22/05/2019 22:39

With some days at private nursery and some at school nursery I think it could be honest confusion

I know when mine went to a school nursery, wearing school uniform etc those days would be referred to as 'school' so if I was asked to pick them up from 'nursery' my mine would be thinking the private nursery not the school

BackforGood · 22/05/2019 22:59

YABU and blowing it out of all proportion.
Easy mistake to make and no harm done.
You've got years ahead of you as a parent - this sort of stuff happens. Once it is done, it is done. Just move on - everyone makes mistakes sometimes.

foreverhanging · 22/05/2019 23:06

I think it's a shame that he didn't say he was sorry and promise it wouldn't happen again.

toasterstrudle · 22/05/2019 23:16

I would be cross too, why should you be the only one who knows which days your child attends each nursery? Rushing anywhere at 8 months pregnant with twins isn't on and was entirely avoidable except for him messing up.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 22/05/2019 23:23

Bottom line is that mums tend to remember this stuff and dads don’t. Crap but true. If it’s not part of his normal day I can see why he got muddled. Annoying that you had to rush down and got the hard stare from the nursery. Understandable, given your own experiences, why you find this so ilserring. And whilst it’s also annoying that he won’t take the blame, playing the blame game is never a good idea.

Intothe · 22/05/2019 23:27

It's literally only yesterday the whole site appeared to be in consternation at the assertion that Dads are incompetent. It's funny to watch.
Now the Dad is only incompetent because woman didn't remind him, text him and ring him.
And they wonder why some of us assert that Dad's are incompetent.

nocoolnamesleft · 22/05/2019 23:44

I'm still trying to work out how your hormones made your DH forget your DD.

badg3r · 23/05/2019 00:00

The late pick up in itself is not a big deal. I hope you told them DH was supposed to do pick up and had forgotten where she was?! His attitude does not sound great and I would be very annoyed too.

BlackeyedGruesome · 23/05/2019 00:13

ex got told off for using his mobile phone in school when I phoned him to check he had collected dd. he was uncharacteristically early. Grin

I remind because dd would be upset.

Bythebeach · 23/05/2019 00:26

Honestly the school won’t judge you unless you do it frequently. I don’t generally forget to pick up my kids. I did once forget to pick up DS2 when he was in reception and quite an anxious 4 year old. I was out with tiny baby DS3 with friends and just forgot the time. I felt sooo awful. School callled, I cried and ran to get him and he was fine. Now DS2 is just finishing his 7 years there and had had the most wonderful time for 7 years. My one late pick up mattered not at all!

Intothe · 23/05/2019 00:33

Bottom line is that mums tend to remember this stuff and dads don’t. Crap but true.

I really wish you were on the thread about the dd not being allowed on a sleepover with a single Dad yesterday I think. The mere notion (!) that a man might be less capable was sexist and horrific! It was fun to observe...

We all know they're incompetent! But God forgive you for saying it!!

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