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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn't pick up Dd from nursery

170 replies

Pencilcase123 · 22/05/2019 17:18

I am really unsure if my disgust and sadness towards my DH is controlled by my hormones.

Dd (4) goes to a private nursery on Mon and Tue (pick up 6pm). She goes to a school nursery on Wed, Thu, Fri (pick up 3.30).
I am 8 months pregnant with twins and having breathing issues some days. Today I phoned my DH at lunchtime and asked him to pick up DD. DH had a meeting in town and said he would be finished in an hour so no problem.

My cleaner offered to pick my daughter up but DH said he would do it.

I went to bed and was phoned at 3:50 by class teacher asking if I am ok because no one picked up DD. I rushed to school and was so winded that I had to sit down for a while. The Head came to talk to me about how I was coping. The class teacher asked how I was coping. I am now sitting here at home crying.

I have never been late for anything. I would never forget to pick up my daughter. I have worked really hard to fit in at this new school and I feel totally humiliated by DH. I feel that school now have the impression that I cannot cope.

DH came home and said that "it is no big deal" and that I am just hormonal. He says he mixed up the days and thought Dd was in the other nursery where she can be picked up at 6pm.

DH saw Dd in her school nursery uniform this morning and Dd has been going there every Wednesday since September. I feel especially sad as I was going to ask DH to pick up Dd more and more as I get closer to my due date but the trust is gone.

My DH obviously thinks I am being unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 22/05/2019 17:35

Awwlookatmybabyspider

Obviously not the norm, but if you aren’t the person who usually does it, and you’re a bit forgetful, it’s normal.

Dyrne · 22/05/2019 17:35

He didn’t forget to collect her though; he was fully planning on collecting her; but forgot that she was at the nursery with an earlier pick up time.

I’m not saying the OP is wrong to be peeved, but if my DP tried to lay on the guilt trip and say he’d lost all trust and faith in me as a parent; over a bit of a fuck up quickly rectified; I’d be fuming.

Susanna88 · 22/05/2019 17:35

I'd be upset about this too.
I try so hard to always, always be on time for school and pick up. I think it's important.

Both sets of DC's grandparents have been late collecting, to the point where DC had to wait in the school office as everyone else had gone. I felt terrible, and the fact they were so relaxed and unapologetic about it made It much worse. Hate asking them to pick up DC, only do it when absolutely necessary.

diddl · 22/05/2019 17:36

Of course it's a big deal as his daughter had to be looked after until Op could get there.

What a shame you answered the phone & he didn't have to deal with it.

Wtf wouldn't he just check where she needed pickin up from & at what time?

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 22/05/2019 17:37

It does happen.

While not great, the fact that he forgot/mixed up the dates is not much of an issue. The real problem is that he refuses to apologise, not just for messing up but for you having to fix his mistake and deal with the judgement.

SunshineCake · 22/05/2019 17:37

YANBU. I hope you told the teacher you'd arranged for dh to get her.

If he was apologetic then I would accept this is possibly a genuine mistake. Since he's minimising I'd be having very strong words and laying out future expectations.

Elllicam · 22/05/2019 17:37

I would be annoyed that he’s not being apologetic and is saying you are being hormonal/overreacting. Fair enough making a mistake but not minimising it and saying it’s no big deal. That makes you feel as if he might do it again.

CarolDanvers · 22/05/2019 17:38

What a shame you answered the phone & he didn't have to deal with it.

He wouldn't have had to though. He was forty minutes away. It's his very young dd that had to deal with it, being left somewhere she wasn't supposed to be for all that time.

PaintingOwls · 22/05/2019 17:38

How can he mix up his days if you called at lunch and he said he'd be done in an hour? Doesn't add up and I'd be fuming as well.

Lweji · 22/05/2019 17:39

It looks like an unfortunate incident, although he should have made sure he knew the time and place for pick up if there are two different nurseries.

I do think you did overreact a bit. No need to feel humiliated. I'd just have explained that DH was supposed to do the pick up, but that I'd go instead.

I think the answer is for him to do all the pick ups and for him to ask you to do the occasional one when he can't.
Make him responsible for it, including first contact number, instead of taking away responsibility.

NoineNoine · 22/05/2019 17:39

It happens, OP. Don't worry about it. My dad forgot to pick us up once too, my mom waited and waited, frightened out of her mind (we lives rurally with few transport options) until she finally managed to come and take us home. Dad rushed home half crazed an hour later and she was mad as hell. Me and my brother thought it was a fine adventure. Your DD was safe, and in a familiar place, she will be fine. No one's judging you either I promise, its not like you do this on a regular basis. Don't make this into a bigger issue than it is. You and your DH are supposed to be partners who both love and care for your DD equally. Be kind to each other when things go tits up, they do in every family.

happybunny007 · 22/05/2019 17:39

Your making more of this than necessary. They asked if you were coping because of your over the top reaction rather than anything else.

StormTreader · 22/05/2019 17:40

"Today I phoned my DH at lunchtime and asked him to pick up DD. DH had a meeting in town and said he would be finished in an hour so no problem. "

Why would he say this if he thought it was 6pm pickup? He blatantly just forgot or decided she could wait.

Redglitter · 22/05/2019 17:41

I do think you're over reacting a bit. Mistakes happen & if your daughter attends 2 nurseries with different pick up times it's understandable. Your daughter was fine & it was at most an inconvenience. I think saying your trust in him has gone is a bit much

Sirzy · 22/05/2019 17:42

It’s crossed wires. These things happen. It is also a downside of using two different settings.

MsTSwift · 22/05/2019 17:43

That’s annoying but dont know a parent that hasn’t dropped a ball. I wouldn’t cry about it. I once asked a neighbor to collect dd1 as had appointment with dd2 for reasons I never understood she just didn’t and the deputy head walked dd1 home in tears.

Iggi999 · 22/05/2019 17:43

Men really get a free pass dont they?

PaquitaVariation · 22/05/2019 17:44

It happens all the time, I’ve forgotten to collect my dd from school twice and I’m a teacher and should know better!! However, being a teacher I also know that it’s not a big deal and sometimes mixups happen.

EggAndButter · 22/05/2019 17:44

Things can happen. I have forgotten my dcs at after school club too Blush.
The difference was that I was only 10 mins away so it was easy to correct.

The issues I have here are

  • he is very complacent about it. Clearly you looking like the one who ‘forgot’ or can’t manage it’s an issue for him. And nor does he seem to be able to out himself in your shoes.
  • he doesn’t see nursery pick up as his responsibility which could be an issue when the babies are here and he needs to step up more
  • if you actually hadn’t been able to pick your dd up, what would he have done?
MsTSwift · 22/05/2019 17:45

“I’d be having strong words and laying out future expectations “ Jesus are you his boss? If I cocked up and that was dh reaction I’d be thinking seriously about whether we could stay married.

diddl · 22/05/2019 17:46

" if your daughter attends 2 nurseries with different pick up times it's understandable"

Sorry, but why is it?

KnitterOfSocks · 22/05/2019 17:46

I did this on Monday. Mixed it up with Wednesday when I have an extra 45min leeway due to a later club pickup and realised far too late to make it on time. I know it's horrible, but it does sound like a genuine mistake

PatriciaHolm · 22/05/2019 17:46

Another one here saying it happens, especially if you are busy at work; I had several near misses when they were at nursery, and did completely forget DD at school once.

The wider issue of his never accepting responsibility is a bigger problem though, and not confined to this.

Acis · 22/05/2019 17:47

I feel that school now have the impression that I cannot cope.

I assume you told them this was your DH's fault? It's not that uncommon, I doubt that they're blaming you in any way.

littleducks · 22/05/2019 17:47

I have mixed things up and rushed crazy out of work gone to pick ds up to realise its his afterschoolclub day. And arrived 30 min late to collect ds from club one evening as dd goes to same club next day but finishes 30 min later. Hugely embarrassing as I'm on roya fir club every other week so should know when it ends Blush.

School probably worried about you pregnant and running to collect your dd that's all