He divorced when his children were young, a red flag or not?

[Dontknowanything]

NC because it's a bit sensitive.
Met this guy through work / clients, seemed nice, genuine, funny and warm. We went on a couple of dates, and had all the usual "tell about yourself" talk.
From a couple of dates/ events he mentioned, I realised that he divorced his ex-wife after a brief marriage for unreasonable behaviour / mental issues when their children were quite young - around 2 years (oldest) and 6 months (youngest). He seems to be a good and involved dad now, but does not have them overnight (they are 4 and 6 now).
Is it necessarily a red flag? I feel a bit uneasy about it and has been thinking about calling it a day several times already - but then start having doubts and second thoughts, I really like the guy otherwise.

Greyt I wasn't talking about your friend, I was talking about the lengths the family court system goes to in order to facilitate relationships between fathers and children. Abusive men get contact ALL THE TIME.

Also, you seem to be very emotional about your friend's experience which is understandable but I think it's blinkering you to the behaviour of the man that this thread is about. The things he has himself admitted to the OP make him sound like a shit, no need to invent hypothetical scenarios when his own words damage him.

@Hithere12 I never said he is banned. She just won sole custody and then moved the kids to a different country so he wouldn't be able to contact them. He is allowed to see them but it has to be on her terms, which she wont allow.

you don't even care though as you support abusers.

You believe your friend and that is fine. But extraordinary claims required extraordinary evidence. And "my friend said so" isn't really extraordinary evidence. MN is full of examples of women being accused of lying / hiding key facts to make themselves sound better so it certainly isn't just men who are questioned.

I'd question anyone who didn't change their passwords the second they noticed that someone had hacked their account.

OP if I was you I would avoid men with kids and ex’s. There are plenty of single men who do not have this baggage. Before I had kids I wouldn’t have looked twice at a man with so much baggage. Go and have fun. Stay with him and all of your holidays will be with his kids, every other weekend you will have his kids and there is always the possibility of his kids living with you. His Ex will be in your life for ever. Why would you date this?

@Bluestitch Damn right am I emotional about my friend! I've got posters on here blaming him and he is an abuse victim! and accusing me of lying. how fucking dare they?

the man in the OP I think should be given the chance to explain fully, which I have said. I dont think its fair to make assumptions based on a tiny bit of information and the OP should aks him honestly what happened and then make her mind up form there. But I already said this. My friend is an example of how its not always black and white

If this was a woman who was victim to it nobody would be questioning it.

Actually women who have lost residency of their kids through either the courts or SS are judged extremely harshly including on MN. They are questioned in great detail. And they certainly wouldn't be described as a great involved mum in the circumstances the OP describes.

I'd question anyone who didn't change their passwords the second they noticed that someone had hacked their account.

Its not hacking if your wife logs on knowing your password....
Cannot believe an ABUSE VICTIM is being accused of lying. So if your friend came to you and said they were being abused and gave you evidence would you then doubt them if you knew them for over 10 years?

I'm still wondering how you know it wasn't him who sent the emails.

I am well aware that men can be abused. I am also very aware that the "I am the victim here" trope is regularly trotted out by abusive men and addicts.

But none of that has anything to do with the OP's situation. He hasnt said he was abused. He has said he skipped off on jollys leaving his mentally ill wife on her own with a baby and toddler. He is not a nice man.

@Bluestitch because i'm a decent person who has known my friend for over a decade and treat him like family? Unlike the people of Mumsnet, I don't tend to blame victims of abuse of lying. I also knew his ex-wife throughout their marriage

Based on info here I'd leg it. At the very least you need to find out more - I just can't fathom how a parent could walk out on a 2yr old n 6mth old like that. & off sightseeing while wife at home with 2 under 2 - seriously?!! He does not sound great so far am afraid.

Its not hacking if your wife logs on knowing your password....

Actually, it is. But the name of it wasn't really the point.

And people wonder why the men don't report abuse...

I am well aware that men can be abused. I am also very aware that the "I am the victim here" trope is regularly trotted out by abusive men and addicts.

I'm just going to bold this because I can't think of a polite way to say the same.

Ok great, so my friend of over a decade is not only lying but he is actually the abuser himself. Nice. Mumsnet has hit a new low.

Teyem, no it isn't polite. Its actually disgusting to blame the victim.

My dh divorced from his ex when dsc were very young and it always (unfairly) causes raised eyebrows. It really wasn't his fault (or at least wasn't only his fault) and he's a lovely dh to me and dad to our dc (and to dsc, although I have to say he had them to stay overnight a lot, and nothing and no one would have prevented that).

No idea how one's self-esteem and self-respect get so low they even entertain giving the time of day to a man with more baggage than Heathrow's T5 when they're single and childfree. I mean, duh, just read the step parenting board here, what a load of needless drama. And then there's the fact that this person 'added on' fucking sightseeing trips when he had a mentally ill wife with not one but two young kids and thinks it's fine and she's crazy. He's so full of shit he could be a beacon for a septic tank company.

I feel a bit uneasy about it and has been thinking about calling it a day several times already -

That is all you need to know. EVER.

He's not a 'good, involved parent', he's yet another Disney parent who put himself first - sightseeing and travel when you have two little kids and a sick wife at home, what a catch!

Oldest line in the book, OP, you'd be yet another fool to fall for it.

It's just statistics and Occam's razor greyt, nothing personal.

Perhaps you should start your own thread GreytExpectations about your friend's experience and how deeply it is affecting you 10 years later.

So you have no evidence that he didn't send the emails apart from his word, but a court saw all the evidence and found that he did send them. And courts who routinely grant extensive contact to abusive fathers denied it to him. Wow his ex must be a mastermind, women with police records, photos of injuries and hospital notes are frequently ignored.

@DioneTheDiabolist dont be obtuse. Its not affecting me. What is affecting me are all the posters on here victime blaming and dismissing marital abuse.

Do you have any idea how insensitive you are being Bluestitch? It doesnt take a "criminal mastermind". I could easily log onto my dhs email and send emails on his behalf and tell the course he did it and itd looks like it. Why would they have any reason not the believe her?