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AIBU?

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Original poster

He divorced when his children were young, a red flag or not?

269 replies

Dontknowanything · 22/05/2019 09:40

NC because it's a bit sensitive.
Met this guy through work / clients, seemed nice, genuine, funny and warm. We went on a couple of dates, and had all the usual "tell about yourself" talk.
From a couple of dates/ events he mentioned, I realised that he divorced his ex-wife after a brief marriage for unreasonable behaviour / mental issues when their children were quite young - around 2 years (oldest) and 6 months (youngest). He seems to be a good and involved dad now, but does not have them overnight (they are 4 and 6 now).
Is it necessarily a red flag? I feel a bit uneasy about it and has been thinking about calling it a day several times already - but then start having doubts and second thoughts, I really like the guy otherwise.

OP posts:
Hithere12 · 22/05/2019 13:36

I'm sure they have an impressive array of superhero costumes Greyt

😂

dottiedodah · 22/05/2019 13:37

The circumstances leading to his divorce are not ideal TBH.Often that "little voice"keeps piping up ,and telling you to listen to your gut instinct.The fact that you are having doubts is a red flag in itself .That said ,it may be you dont know him well enough yet .Give him a chance for say a month or two and see then how you feel.

Jackiebrambles · 22/05/2019 13:37

It would be a red flag for me for sure - because I know what it's like to have a 2 year old and a 6 month old. It's fucking hard work.

I suspect too much like hard work for him, hence the divorce and not having them overnight.

So I'd be wanting to find out more, and to see some evidence of him being a good dad.

Kanga83 · 22/05/2019 13:38

Only you can go with your gut. However I personally would be cautious of someone laying the blame on the mother of his kids, who doesn't have them overnight blaming on working away a lot. How often does he see them? How often does he contact them? Call them? Visit in their noise, vice versa, days out. If she has mental health problems what breaks does he give her - these are all things I would be looking at. He may not have them overnight for good reason, but there must be many positives in other aspects of being a parents to outweigh them.

TheNavigator · 22/05/2019 13:39

So he walked out on his wife with mental health problems, leaving her to care for a 2 year old and 6 month old baby? Massive red flag. Huge.

Jackiebrambles · 22/05/2019 13:39

I also think if you have been thinking about calling it a day on a few occasions that maybe there are some other doubts in your mind, maybe something in his behaviour or the way he talks/what he does?

Your gut is trying to tell you something, listen to it.

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 13:40

@Hithere12 His ex-wife won the custody battle which means he had them taken away from him. She abused & manipulated the system by setting him up. Ffs you don't know my friend at all or his situation but because he is a man you accuse him of lying?
Who the fuck are you to sit there and accuse someone who went through what he did as lying. Would you do that if I said my friend was a woman saying her ex was abusive?

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 13:40

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Kanga83 · 22/05/2019 13:41

Ah I just read he's stayed after for a few days for ' sightseeing' - yes red flag for me, leaving his wife and little children for her to deal with them while he went off on unnecessary jollys while already away.

Hithere12 · 22/05/2019 13:41

Cannot believe that I am in the wrong for supporting innocent men who have unfairly been denied access to their kids

Why was he denied access to the kids? They’d need more evidence than her “lying”. Again you know nothing about there relationship unless you were in it with them.

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/05/2019 13:42

How did she set him up Grey?

Bluestitch · 22/05/2019 13:44

The courts bend over backwards to give fathers contact. Men with convictions for beating their wives still get unsupervised access. Men in prison can apply for their children to be made to visit. If somebody is denied direct contact there is usually a good reason given how blasé they can too often be with the safety of women and their children.

Hithere12 · 22/05/2019 13:45

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Teddybear45 · 22/05/2019 13:45

Clearly a shit dad, so yes. I would definitely dump.

Hithere12 · 22/05/2019 13:46

The courts bend over backwards to give fathers contact. Men with convictions for beating their wives still get unsupervised access. Men in prison can apply for their children to be made to visit

Yep this 100%. Especially in the UK.

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 13:46

. Again you know nothing about there relationship unless you were in it with them.

He is a very close friend so I was very much involved in the situation to know how she manipulated it. You won't believe me but she made false police calls claiming he was being violent, she fed her young children lines to say about him, & she made up texts and E-mails from him that he never sent as she knew his passwords. But you are going to tell me all that obviously didn't happen right? Because he is a man?

Bluestitch · 22/05/2019 13:47

Oh and a father was recently given a voice in proceedings of a child conceived when he raped the mother. But those poor men hey.

Bluestitch · 22/05/2019 13:47

How do you know he didn't send the emails?

BogglesGoggles · 22/05/2019 13:50

He left his kids. That’s a shitty thing to do no matter the reason. Onviouslysometimes a wife will leave and the court will give her the right to be the mai parent but this isn’t a case like that. He walked out on his kids because he was sick of his wife. Red flag for being a massive arsehole.

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 13:50

@Hithere12 It is the truth and it is what happened. Just because you have your own sexist agenda and for some reason cannot fathom the idea of marital abuse happening to men, doesn't mean it didn't happen.

It is extremely offensive and disrespectful to accuse me of lying. If you aren't going to even listen to what I have to say then just stop replying to me as it's so pointless and honestly, its very hurtful. My husband and I were there for my friend when he went through all of this and you don't know what it was like for him so just fuck off with you vile judgments.

ClarkeMurphy · 22/05/2019 13:51

But you are going to tell me all that obviously didn't happen right? Because he is a man?

Not because he is a man. Because when something sounds to ridiculous to be true it is usually a lie.

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 13:51

@Bluestitch my friend being abused by his ex-wife is not in the same league as a rapist but thanks for the nasty comparison

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 13:52

@ClarkeMurphy nope, not a lie. Just not something the women of mumsnet dont want to hear. If this was a woman who was victim to it nobody would be questioning it.

Hithere12 · 22/05/2019 13:52

How do you know he didn't send the emails?

🙄 Exactly. I sadly know too much about this subject due to my own experience and briefly working in law enforcement. These men, no matter what they do, always concoct a story in their head and convince everyone around him that they are the victim.

Again there would need to be a hell of a lot of evidence to ban a man from seeing his own kids. Even convinced rapists are allowed to see their kids.

Hithere12 · 22/05/2019 13:54

If this was a woman who was victim to it nobody would be questioning it

People don’t not believe he was not abused “because he’s a man” it’s because he’s been banned from seeing his own kids!!! So CLEARLY there was a stack of very credible evidence against him.