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AIBU?

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Original poster

He divorced when his children were young, a red flag or not?

269 replies

Dontknowanything · 22/05/2019 09:40

NC because it's a bit sensitive.
Met this guy through work / clients, seemed nice, genuine, funny and warm. We went on a couple of dates, and had all the usual "tell about yourself" talk.
From a couple of dates/ events he mentioned, I realised that he divorced his ex-wife after a brief marriage for unreasonable behaviour / mental issues when their children were quite young - around 2 years (oldest) and 6 months (youngest). He seems to be a good and involved dad now, but does not have them overnight (they are 4 and 6 now).
Is it necessarily a red flag? I feel a bit uneasy about it and has been thinking about calling it a day several times already - but then start having doubts and second thoughts, I really like the guy otherwise.

OP posts:
Hithere12 · 22/05/2019 12:55

A close friend left his wife years ago after being emotionally abused. He hasn't seen his children in 10 years because she manipulated the whole custody battle in her favor

You are aware abusive men are NEVER in the wrong, tell all their friends the ex was crazy etc. Why the hell did the court completely deny him any access? That is not normal. They only do that if it’s very evident that the kids need to be protected from the man. It’s much more likely that abusive men are allowed access to their kids than the other way round.

I had one ex who was a violent alcoholic, do you think his friends have any idea? Do you think he’d tell them? Haha of course not. They think he’s a great guy. You’re extremely naive.

teyem · 22/05/2019 12:57

Really? That's not what I've observed from the family courts in the last decade. If anything, the courts fall over themselves to ensure children have fair access to their fathers.

kenandbarbie · 22/05/2019 13:00

It would be a red flag for me. If he was a good man he would protect his ex partner and say they both found it difficult after the birth of the baby. Instead he's badmouthing the mother of his children.

Combined with not having them overnight. I'd run a mile.

Hithere12 · 22/05/2019 13:01

Also want to add that most abusers are extremely charming and loved by their friends etc so your mate being a “great guy” doesn’t mean anything.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 22/05/2019 13:02

Why do you assume he didn't try to make the marriage work?

I assume nothing. I'm describing questions that the OP needs to get answered, based on the evidence that he has put in front of her so far.

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 13:03

Wow @Hithere12 how disgusting of you to not only blame the victim just because he is a man but then accuse him of being abusive. I hope you're proud of yourself.

Bumpitybumper · 22/05/2019 13:03

@GreytExpectations
Which element of the below is subjective or untrue based on what the OP has told us?
The man had two children in quick succession with a woman with mental health issues and then unilaterally decided to extend his trips away from work so he could enjoy some leisure time away from said children and wife. He decides he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore so leaves pretty sharply after the second child and then doesn't have the children for any overnight stays despite knowing that the mother struggles with her mental health

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

kenandbarbie · 22/05/2019 13:04

Also, can you really be arsed? Why waste your time when you could find someone who hasn't got any hassles.

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 13:07

@Bumpitybumper The way you worded it is basically implying he abandoned his kids when you don't know what actually happened.

It doesn't matter, as this is mumsnet the man will always be in the wrong no matter what. I've just had a poster accuse my friend, an abuse victim, of lying. Mumsnet is at a new low

zippey · 22/05/2019 13:11

If the children’s mother had mental health issues why did he leave the children in her care. Maybe it would have been better to take the children. Or would that be cruel? I guess it’s hard for men to be the good guy when it comes to splitting up.

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 13:12

@AmaryllisNightAndDay your whole post at Wed 22-May-19 11:51:41is full of assumptions. Suggesting he didn't work hard enough at his marriage. You suggest his "liaisons" with colleges were not innocent, you also assume that him not having the kids at night is his fault

Plinney · 22/05/2019 13:13

Sometimes the woman's serious mental health issues show up after having a baby, even if a few red flags before.

Impossible to tell from what you've said.

Plinney · 22/05/2019 13:14

People are making so many judgements here without knowing very much, its ridiculous.

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 13:14

@teyem there are actual UK charities founded to help fathers who have lost custody battles unfairly gain access to their kids. So obviously, your experience alone is not an indication of the majority.

teyem · 22/05/2019 13:20

I'm sure they have an impressive array of superhero costumes Greyt.

Bumpitybumper · 22/05/2019 13:20

@GreytExpectations
The way you worded it is basically implying he abandoned his kids when you don't know what actually happened
Can you word it more objectively then to not imply that? I think it's pretty difficult to describe the facts as OP states them without the implication being that he has given up on his kids. Even if his ex is withholding contact, why wouldn't he be fighting to spend time with his kids especially in the context of his ex wife's apparent mental health problems? If her mental health was really that bad and he could prove his marriage had been abusive then I don't think a court in the land would support her stopping him from seeing his kids. Something, somewhere doesn't add up!

Likeamobvie · 22/05/2019 13:21

Mm only because he's slagging off his ex. He says she's unstable mentally but is happy for her to look after the kids? Seems very strange to me.

Bluestitch · 22/05/2019 13:22

FGS by his OWN words to the OP he extended work trips for jollies whilst she was at home, apparently with MH issues and a toddler and a tiny baby. What is defensible about that?

MollyButton · 22/05/2019 13:25

@teyem there are actual UK charities founded to help fathers who have lost custody battles unfairly gain access to their kids. So obviously, your experience alone is not an indication of the majority

You do realise that means nothing? There are groups who campaign for the decriminalisation of paedophilia - doesn't mean they are right.

There are cases of father's having access to their children even if there are strong suspicions that they are abusing their child.
If a father really wants access he can go to court and get it. In this case it hasn't been long since they split, so it should be a fairly simple process. "Parental Alienation" is even an offence now.

But @GreyExpectations you do sound a bit like a Fathers4Justice member yourself.

The big red flag is calling his ex "crazy" which it would fid unattractive in a possible friend neve rmind partner. And if she truly was crazy then why did he leave the children with her - surely you would fight extra hard for access/residency in those circumstances.
So OP I would be wary.

Bluestitch · 22/05/2019 13:31

Of course it's possible that he is at the end of an epic court battle where he was unfairly persecuted. But what's that saying- when you see hoof prints look for horses not zebras? Why twist around it knots trying to manufacture a case in which this guy is the poor victim? He's a man who by his own admission buggered off for jollies leaving his wife with a toddler and tiny baby. He doesn't have them overnight. Likelihood is he just can't be arsed.

And talking about double standards, I'll agree the day I see a mother who left her six month old baby and has no overnights described as a 'good, involved parent.'

Sherry19 · 22/05/2019 13:32

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

sue51 · 22/05/2019 13:32

Massive red flags here.

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 13:34

@MollyButton so you support marital abuse then? Because that's basically what you sound like. My friend was abused by his ex-wife and then accused of lying and had his children taken away.

You do sound a bit like a Fathers4Justice member yourself
I'm not but why is that a bad thing? It happens whether or not you want to believe it. Cannot believe that I am in the wrong for supporting innocent men who have unfairly been denied access to their kids.

You sound like that kind of woman who would judge a man who opened up about having experienced abuse.

Hithere12 · 22/05/2019 13:34

Wow @Hithere12 how disgusting of you to not only blame the victim just because he is a man but then accuse him of being abusive. I hope you're proud of yourself

The “victim of abuse” based on what? Why has this supposed victim been banned from going anywhere near his own kids?