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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a third child just to have a girl?

179 replies

Calltheguards · 21/05/2019 19:42

I know I'm being completely ridiculous!

I dream of having a daughter. My mum and I used to collect dolls and say I would pass them down to my daughter (it was more my mum's thing than mine but I liked the idea of it). I get so jealous when I see little girl clothing. We have boys and they're lovely but I really, really want a girl.

AIBU to have us try in hopes that we get a girl?

OP posts:
pallisers · 21/05/2019 22:39

Only have a third child if you want a child - not just a girl. most of us have some preference for boy or girl when getting pregnant/pregnant - nothing wrong with that.

Some of the comments about girls on this thread bother me a bit - she is a tomboy/the most masculine of my children/not girly etc etc. All these girls are just that - girls. Being a girl doesn't mean you wear frou-frou and play with dolls so if you don't do that, you don't need to explain it away. It isn't masculine behaviour it is just a girl being a girl (the comment about "the most masculine of my children" really bothered me tbh). And if a girl does like princess clothes and dolls, she is also just being a girl - not a girly girl, a girl. They come in all types - just like boys.

DexyMidnight · 21/05/2019 22:52

If you ask the vast majority of people who want kids what they want they'll say '[at least] one of each would be great'.

Yes some people only plan to have one and yes some people genuinely don't seem to mind! (I think my husband would truly hand on heart have no preference)

So I don't get, when people fall pregnant or start having kids, why they're meant to disown any intrinsic preference they may have. I've never met a pregnant woman who fesses up to wanting a boy/girl, they all just say 'as long as it's healthy'.

OP you're not unreasonable to feel this way - we're allowed to mourn what might have been - but you would be unreasonable to act on it.

Bluerussian · 21/05/2019 22:55

Ridiculous. You can't guarantee a girl.

SilverySurfer · 21/05/2019 23:03

I knew a couple who were desperate for a girl - after eight boys they got their wish. Good luck.

MumUnderTheMoon · 21/05/2019 23:05

YABU unless you are in a position to select your child's gender. Your could be "trying for a girl" for years and have umpteen number of sons who know their mum only had them because she was hoping for a girl.

Whoops75 · 21/05/2019 23:10

I think older fathers are more likely to have girls.
Dh had 3 boys in his 20/30’s
and a girl at 42

OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 21/05/2019 23:23

I had two boys (plus a stepson) and my third pregnancy, I convinced myself I was having a boy so I wouldn't be disappointed but I really wanted a girl. I'm a girly girl and still had my childhood dolls so I always dreamed of having a little princess to share them with. Because I convinced myself I was having a boy, imagine my surprise and delight when I got my little angel. Not a downside at all but I didn't get a lot of the girly stuff out of my system because she takes after her very sporty dad. Rugby league, Touch, Tag and crossfit all the way for her now (and she's only just turned 12).

BogglesGoggles · 21/05/2019 23:25

Someone I knew did this and ended up with five kids.

BogglesGoggles · 21/05/2019 23:25

Also worth pointing out that you can give the dolls to your sons. Boys like them too.

Tcga745 · 21/05/2019 23:28

I remember feeling very sad at the thought of not having a girl. I cried in Waterstones and then a year later I had one and I enjoyed dressing her in pretty dresses and I enjoyed the fact she had a lovely name so I get where you are coming from. She’s 14 now and the biggest tomboy in the world and not at all how I imagined and has bastardised her beautiful name into a hideous nickname... but she is still gorgeous! But you have children already so you know that you can’t force them to be how you want them to be. No harm in dreaming though, dreaming is free. Just make sure you are sensible enough not to let dreams taint reality.
I wouldn’t find out gender at a scan though....
I was pregnant with dc3 at the same time as a v good friend of mine. She found out she was having a third boy and was so disappointed. Things were awkward when I had another girl, she wouldn’t believe I hadn’t found out and was quite jealous and I felt guilty. And yes that was unreasonable of me! This second girl is fairly feminine.
When I had dc4 I was convinced I was having a boy (it really didn’t matter to me); when I was told it’s a girl I had an overwhelming sensation that it was the right result.
I think if you want another baby, have another baby; if you want a girl, say I would love a girl and when you have the baby love the baby.
Oh and I have a boy too, the eldest and he is just amazing too. Shame I’m so old... I’d love another.

Omzlas · 21/05/2019 23:30

If you want a third child, crack on. If you JUST want a girl, YABU

What would you tell your potential son in years to come.... "well we had you because we hoped you'd be a girl..."??

YABU to have another to try for a girl, that's ridiculous

kierenthecommunity · 21/05/2019 23:37

Would you consider fostering/adoption?

I know this is not suggested often, but if you do want a girl so bad, why not look in to adoption or fostering?

Are you both for real? Adoption is about finding the right family for a child who desperately needs one. Not for people to pick and chose a baby. It’s not like Amazon or something. Hmm

Plus if you went to social services saying your motivation was to get a girl to complete your perfect family ideal, I can see you getting short shrift

firstimemamma · 21/05/2019 23:49

"You are statistically proven to more likely have another boy than a girl. It's 47% chance girl and 53% chance boy. The igender website explains it all."

Agree with @mustdrivesoon although the book I read said 75% chance the third child would be the same sex as the first 2, so that's even less in your favour.

My mil wanted a girl just like you and she had 4 boys!

I've never understood trying for a girl / boy, can't we all just be grateful for healthy babies regardless of sex?

pallisers · 22/05/2019 01:07

the stereotypes about what girls are and aren't are depressing on this thread. and as for the "adopt or foster" advice ...

I don't judge anyone for wanting a baby or a girl or a boy or a healthy baby or whatever but the stuff that is being said about girls on here makes me wonder what happened in the last 30 years. When I was growing up I had less chance of doing as well as the boys (but my generation gave it a good shot and mostly did) but at least no one thought I was masculine or a tomboy if I just did normal childish things.

Bambamber · 22/05/2019 01:15

Why don't you just get one of those life-like baby dolls if you just want to dress it up and play dollys

Loullzz · 22/05/2019 01:18

Myself and DP are approaching the right time to start a family. We've always said it'd be lovely to have both and would be happy with 2/3 kids. So if we have had boys (or two girls) we may as well try for a third. I don't think we would if we had a boy and a girl though.. But would be just as happy with three the same sex

Loullzz · 22/05/2019 01:20

Crikey I've just read on and some of you are unnecessarily harsh..

Theres nothing wrong with wanting a daughter. It IS different. DPs mum had only boys and would of absolutely loved a girl, she feels she's definitely missed out, mum and daugher is just different. As is father and son

KissUntilTheyDieOfRabies · 22/05/2019 01:24

Only reason I thought having a girl the first time round would be ace was because the paternal gran was so desperate to have one. I otherwise did not give a fuck.

She uses female pronouns mostly, counts herself as gender neutral, is a lot more like you would describe a stereotypical boy. Where as my other DD is a mix of overly precious stereotypical girl behaviours and likes, plus this side which wants to do all the rough and tumble as long as she gets to wear a princess dress at the same time.

At no point did I ever consider trying for what is essentially a baby with different privates to the kids I already have.

It's selfish and I've known people who have tried repeatedly for either a boy or girl and have ended up with five, six or seven of one kind as a result.

I also resent the comments and attitude from people who assumed I would be sad not to have a boy. I was grateful to have a second baby.

OwlBeThere · 22/05/2019 01:30

I have 3 daughters, none of whom would be remotely interested in collecting dolls. One is sports mad and never happier than when playing football and being coveted in mud, one is very arty and loves to draw and paint, the other is autistic and is musically gifted. So don’t be so sure a girl will fulfill your dreams

edgeofheaven · 22/05/2019 01:35

I am also surprised at the number of people here who insist they never had any opinion or preference for one sex or the other, or for having one of each. Yes of course it's best to have a healthy child and to be happy with what you have. But that doesn't mean you don't have any feelings about it. There are a lot of things I can discuss with my mum that are shared experiences as women, that my dad doesn't relate to. Doesn't mean I don't love him but it's a different relationship. I don't begrudge any woman for hoping for that herself - although of course it's not guaranteed.

I also wonder what reasons are considered "good enough" to have a third child if trying for a different sex isn't one of them. "I'm so broody" seems to be the main reason and that doesn't strike me as particularly well thought through either.

RedToothBrush · 22/05/2019 01:56

To all the people flaming OP she is not hurting anyone.

Do we really believe that sexism isn't harmful?

There are plenty of very screwed up individuals out there because their parents had strange ideas about what toys girls and boys should play with and how they should behave and the disappointment when they do not conform.

HermioneMakepeace · 22/05/2019 02:10

All these people churning out more and more children in the hope of getting one of the desired sex... it costs 300k to raise a child and about 10k for sex selection.

If you really want to guarantee the sex of your next child, then maybe consider going abroad for sex selection.

Incidentally, all the families I know with 5 of one sex have a set of twins in there. Has anybody else noticed that in their friends group?

edgeofheaven · 22/05/2019 02:16

Sex selection isn't just the cost. You have to do IVF which means injections hormones procedures etc. You'd need to be extremely committed to having that baby girl or boy to do it, not just about the money. Maybe if you needed IVF anyway it makes sense.

edgeofheaven · 22/05/2019 02:17

Incidentally, all the families I know with 5 of one sex have a set of twins in there. Has anybody else noticed that in their friends group?

One of my friends is 1 of 6 girls, no twins!

HermioneMakepeace · 22/05/2019 02:18

@edgeofheaven, that 6 not 5 though Grin.

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