To not want to pay for his kids

[ilovemycatmorethanyou]

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

After tax probably £40k between you. No mortgage or rent, 6k goes to ex wife, that’s 34k approx a year left, and you can’t afford a holiday?!

It’s not really relevant though, is it.

The point is that OP’s money is her own. And his ex is an adult who isn’t incapacitated so she should be making her own money and not sponging off her ex.

OP has said repeatedly that she doesn’t have an issue with maintenance. It’s the spousal maintenance she minds. And I don’t blame her.

I work full time to enable her to work very little. That also affects me as I’d like to reduce my hours

So it's OK for you to work part time but not the ex? Your partner should support you to sit at home but shouldn't honour commitments already made?

OP doesn’t have children or a mortgage/rent. she could probably afford to live off a part time wage.

@canileave where have I said I expect my husband to pay for me? I have my own commitments to pay, which alongside the payments I assist with means I have to work full time. I have never, and will never, take money from my husband!

OP am I right in thinking you don' t have DCs ? I am sure we would all like to work less, but a single parent may be unable to work ft

So many assumptions on my expenses!

A single parent to NT teenagers could absolutely work full time. Come on!

hopefulhalf

I don't think gym membership, football club and associated kit and D of E expenses are necessities though.

My son went to air cadets - cheap and heavily subsidised

He didn't have gym membership or expensive clothes or trainers. You cut your cloth surely?

They can still do activities and go out with friends. You just choose cheaper options.

Just because you spend that on your child it isn't proof that's what it costs to raise a child.

After tax probably £40k between you. No mortgage or rent, 6k goes to ex wife, that’s 34k approx a year left, and you can’t afford a holiday?

But they have the children for half the time so have to pay for them then too.

Plus our income is over £40,000/ year. We have no mortgage and haven't been on holiday in 3 years because of other expenses that we have. It isn't unheard of.

EOW and several nights a week are what I said. As they are still at school, the majority of costs occur at weekends (not all before you jump on me about school lunch and after school clubs). It is very almost 50/50, but please bear in mind the payment is made to ex, we bear many costs of having them plus have to pay her without receiving any of the payments or benefits she does.

PlantParrot

I am saying ill health can happen to anybody - and if DD hadn't have been at university, she would have been at home anyway, because there was no way she was fit to work full time. How much would it cost us to support her anyway - £250 pcm, as OP DH's is paying?

Yes, a 29 year old can pay board, but there is still the emotional support after a relationship breakdown or would you leave your DC to go through it all by themselves. Looking after DC never boils down just to money, and imo, it if did £250 pcm for a teenager is a bargain!

Are you seriously saying a 29 year old shouldn’t be supporting themselves? Brings a whole new meaning to the snowflake generation. Any step parent knows that the kids are there for life but I sure as hell won’t be supporting them at 29!!

of course it can, but as OP said, she is not unhappy about her husband supporting his children, she is unhappy about the spousal maintenance they are paying. His children living with them as adults is entirely irrelevant.

What has emotionally supporting a 29 year old got to do with this thread at all?

Every other weekend and 1 or 2 nights a week is not half the time

Where do you get 1 or 2 nights from? The OP said several which I take to mean at least 3. Two would be a couple.

So 3 nights a week plus EOW is 8 nights out of 14.

but I sure as hell won’t be supporting them at 29!!

Good luck with that one. Hopefully you won't need to but seriously compare wages and the cost of even just housing. How many young people can afford to live on their own? Fine if they are living with someone and can share rent or mortgage but that isn't a given.

Our son is 25 and a teacher earning £24000 a year. By the time he's paid pension, rent, petrol to work, car insurance etc he's left with hardly anything. We send him some money for groceries and he tries to support himself but big bills like car repairs fall to us.

A single parent to NT teenagers could absolutely work full time. Come on!

For the most part, I agree with you. However, depending on the work and times in and out of the house, it could be the case that teens are left unsupervised for long periods of time. For this reason, it is not unreasonable that a single parent makes a decision to work part time and/or looks for something more suitable that works around school hours (hens teeth). I am quite sure you would be happy to complain about teens running wild whilst their single mother is at work and expect said single mum to find a solution. For many, part time working is that solution.

Decomposing its not impossible, I am 23 and live with dh and ds, and prev dss though now he comes 3 x a week.

This is the second home I have owned. Its not impossible.

16 yo's can get married ffs they shouldn't need supervision - a parent of 16yos can work.

It works out at 6 nights a fortnight so not quite 50/50 but only one night short.

Ok 29yo thing is ridiculous. I'm 26 and have been living independently without financial support from my mother since I was 19.
20 somethings should be doing house shares and living within their means. I don't think a 29 year old should be getting financial support.

But the ex's working hours are totally irrelevant to the situation. She could be earning 5k a month and he'd still have to pay child maintenance. OP herself says it's along the lines of what CMS recommend anyway.

If the husband disagrees with the spousal support element he can go back and ask for a review from the courts. But the ex is hardly living the life of Riley on £500 a month and 12 hours of work a week! It's not like they're funding her to go on foreign holidays and weekends away every month.

So would an extra £150 in the household budget allow you to reduce your hours?

PlantPotParrot

Of course it isn't impossible but there are a lot of variables. Try living independently in the SE on NMW.

My son earns £24000. His rent for a bedsit in a shared house is £800+ a month. £160 a month travel to get to work. £60 car insurance. Pension contributions are ridiculous. It's not impossible because he does it but there's nothing left over for big expenses or luxuries of any sort.