To not want to pay for his kids

[ilovemycatmorethanyou]

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

i'm not saying everyone can do it, but i'm saying it can be done and I would have limited sympathy in funding a 29yo who pissed off on a gap year and chose a 6 year degree which they expect to be funded for them!

however I haven't lived with my parents since 18, and haven't had financial help from them since I was 14 and went out and got a part time job!

Aren’t 16 year olds bang in middle of GCSE’s now and have been revising for a long time? I would want to be home a fair bit to facilitate their success at this very stressful time. If the ex wife can work part-time and keep things afloat so that she can be there for her kids that’s her choice.

I would want to be home a fair bit to facilitate their success at this very stressful time

that is the best excuse for not working FT when you have teenagers who do not need you that I have heard in a looooong time.

why are we babying our 16yos?

FFS miniloso firstly who said they were 16? Secondly your arguments get more and more ridiculous! GCSE support is not required for years and years!

@PlantPotParrot

And I didn't say it couldn't be done. What I said to OP was don't bank on not having to provide any support to a 29 year old.

And the PP whose dd did a 6 year degree, that was due to ill health, not her partying.

The government expect parents to support children at university. That is how the student loan system works. It is based on parental income. And the OP will find that her income will be included in the loan application.

I have to say I’m on the same page as the ex-wife.

I’m a single parent to a pre-teen and certainly have no plans to work full time whilst she is at secondary school.

and haven't had financial help from them since I was 14 and went out and got a part time job!

Of course you did.

Unless you paid for all your own rent, electric, water, heating and council tax with your part-time earnings? And lived totally independently?

GCSE "support" from parents is a load of bollocks anyway unless they have a teaching degree! my parents are fairly intelligent but there was no way there able to help me get a GCSE in Germany from the 1930's - post war.

There is no way I could help DSS with his revision in geography either, tbh and I am not unintelligent!

Doesn't child support last up until 16 or 20 if they are on FT education?
(guilty of not reading whole thread)

adeline obviously not, what I meant was (and you know what I meant you are just being goady!) they did not give me money for clothes / socialising / fund a gap year / fund a 6 year degree / buy me a car / pay for driving lessons.

They paid the mortgage and the bills in the house I lived in, yes, but they would have been doing that anyway.

I did live independently in that I did my own washing and cooked for myself though, yes.

If the ex wife can work part-time and keep things afloat so that she can be there for her kids that’s her choice.

She’s not keeping things afloat! Her ex is bankrolling her.

I’d be mortified if I split with dh and lived off his money. Absolutely he has to pay for his children but a grown woman taking money from a man for no reason? Jesus! Just no.

I thought it was based on the household the children lived in so wouldn't their uni loan be based on their mothers earnings? not their dads or ops....

Absolutely he has to pay for his children but a grown woman taking money from a man for no reason?

Do we know there’s no reason though? I’m presuming the court awarded it for a specific set of circumstances - spousal is actually very rarely awarded.

they did not give me money for clothes / socialising / fund a gap year / fund a 6 year degree / buy me a car / pay for driving lessons.

But presumably they fed you even if you did the cooking? And still had to pay the mortgage on a house big enough to house you? And paid for you to have a bed and furniture? And an oven to cook your meals in? A shower for you to use?

You get the picture. Funding a teenager goes way beyond just paying for their clothes and nights out. But you know that.

Whilst I disagree with "not wanting to pay for his kids" at ALL, I will say that my DH ex also kept her work hours at a minimum to ensure she got the most financial er, support.

I just assumed if there was genuine reason OP would have said.

But a woman capable of working, who is choosing to work part time whilst taking money from her ex just doesn’t sit right with me.

PlantPotParrot

Well they split their time equally so where do they live? And if by the time they go to uni their mum is living with someone then his income will be considered so who knows who they will put down?

If they put dad down then OPs income will be included.

I just assumed if there was genuine reason OP would have said

That’s what I thought but wondered if I had missed it - it’s all got a bit confusing!

decomposing presumably whichever parent they choose to put on their application, which if they've any sense will be their mother because they will get a bigger loan than if they choose their dad and OP.

PlantPotParrot

She's hardly being a dick. You said your parents didn't financially support you past 14. How are we meant to take that? To me that means they didn't house, feed or clothe you. I actually thought you meant you were taken into care.

What you actually meant was they didn't give you pocket money?

I have already explained numerous times what I mean, perhaps I worded it badly but no I don't just mean "they didn't give me pocket money" I have already explained what I meant.

PlantPotParrot

See, maybe they will. But then the mum might be living with someone so that might change things. Plus by then mum would have lost child benefit and possibly other benefits so might have to get a full time job. Who knows which parent will be on the lower income?

No need to call people a dick because you didn't explain yourself properly

who knows, the thing is whoever they put down affects their loan, parents are not obligated to fund the rest. Expected to maybe, but not obligated to.