To not want to pay for his kids

[ilovemycatmorethanyou]

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

You hate that the child support component goes to her too don't you? Do you picture her sitting at home when her £500 comes in with a bottle of Moët, feet up, twirling her moustache?

Do you have any children of your own? Do you even have any concept of how expensive children/ young adults are???

Well 500 a both is fuck all really for two children so I think he’s paying a fair amount

You must have known this when you married him? Why is he paying spousal support when she can work? I've never known anybody who receives spousal support, don't know what you can do about it, take advice from a solicitor

These recent responses are so typical of the double standards that apply on these forums.

It is entirely my business as this affects my home, my husband, our life. The twins are with us EOW plus several nights a week so of course I’m aware of the costs involved in addition to the payments made to the ex.

I work full time to enable her to work very little. That also affects me as I’d like to reduce my hours.

”I work full time to enable her to work very little. That also affects me as I’d like to reduce my hours.”

I thought you and your husband operated separate finances? And surely any assessment as to CM and SM is based on his personal income?

My advice is that you forget about her. If I walked around resenting my dh ex I would go insane!
I accept that she doesn't work, can't/won't care for her children and has minimal contact.
I just get on with it.
Please do the same because step parent life is rough enough without you worrying about the wrong things. This resentment will eat you alive. It isn't worth it!

Well 500 a both is fuck all really for two children so I think he’s paying a fair amount

I wish people would stop saying this. £500 is not fuck all, at all. Some people here obviously live a massively privileged life.

again, i'll say I don't spend £250 pm on DSS, or DS for that matter. Not even close.

Not everyone earns megabucks you know.

herondale if they stay with them part of the time its pretty obvious OP knows what they cost. Its rude to insinuate that she is thick because she doesn't have her own children.

I used Which's calculator for living costs for a student at an university in an average city, outside the SE. It was £883 pcm. So, for twins that would be x 2 or £1,766 pcm. Actually, I chose DD's university, where her hall fees were £6,500 for the first year, including 2 meals a day (and for her an ensuite bathroom due to OCD) and that would only be for around 36 weeks of the year! My understanding of the phrase "gravy train" is being paid 6 figures - I would consider £500 pcm for two teenagers to be a bargain, bearing in mind the direct costs; and the work involved in supporting them emotionally through the minefield of adolescence and school exams.

They are not known as the boomerang generation for nothing either. It does not end at 18, if they go to university - DD took a gap year after A-level, and has now spent 6 years on her 3 year degree, including a leave of absence of 18 months due to ill health. DS came back home to live for 18 months to do his research MA; and then again when he was 29 for 3 months, due to a relationship breakdown.

Seeing as you resent DH supporting his teenage children, I hope you won't mind when they come home to live with you in the event of ill health, relationship breakdowns, etc until they are approaching 30?

they're not at university? nor do we even know if they will go...

they will also get student loans surely with their mother having such a low income?

again you live within your means and tbh when you're at university its about learning to stand on your own two feet. I cant get my head around this whole thing of your parents funding your life well into your 20s its insane.

If my children move back in when they're 29 they would be expected to contribute to the household, so I personally wouldn't mind but there's no way I would financially support them through a 6 year degree and a gap year, if you want to do that you sort it out yourself.

its no wonder that this generation are entitled and lazy is it!

Ok, I have experience on both sides in that I'm divorced with a child with my exh, I also have a new partner who's ex wife has been dragging him through the courts over her withholding contact for more than four years. He earns a decent salary but by the time he pays child support, legal fees and the contact centre he is broke and I end up subsidising our lifestyle. He is nearing close to a hearing date which is estimated to cost anything up to £40,000 which he obviously doesn't have.
I am also resentful of having to pay every time I feel like takeaway or a bottle of wine or a day out. I don't have heaps of spare money, my ex doesn't pay child support as we have shared care under that threshold.

There isn't much that can be done but wait until a time it's over, you can have the spousal maintenance reviewed and take a position on this but it doesn't feel good.

Apologies for no real advice, I just wanted you to hear from someone who understands rather than judges.

I

£500 isn't very much to support 2 children when that is meant to cover housing, bills as well as food, clothing and other costs.

However, mum also has some responsibility for providing for her children too doesn't she, so that starts to make the £500 seem a bit more generous.

Lastly,my impression was that CM wasn't paid if the care was 50/50. Is that correct? So the OP says they ah e the twins several nights a week plus EOW , which is 8 days/14 so 50/50.

So why is the DH paying CM when he is also.covering their living costs for the 50% of the time that they live with him?

I don't think its rude at all; considering what she is saying. I get the distinct vibe she thinks all the money goes to the ex when in reality I'm sure it goes to running costs and the general expense of teenagers.

herondale I think she's just annoyed because they're lacking money (for whatever reason that may be) and she sees £500 going to the ex wife every month. Of course the children should be supported, I think OPs issue is the extra that goes to the wife.

and yes, I know that the court ordered it, but in this day and age it seems a very old fashioned and unreasonable decision IMO.

@after - wow projection much - he doesn’t take home £2000 a month, it’s nearer £1750, his expenses include other things outside of his children, the usual bills, council tax, car payments, the usual things you’d expect.

Disney dad?? That was the initial start to this thread, we can’t afford to do things with them and I was asking why I should be contributing??

No expensive hobby or lads holidays, perhaps when the payments to his ex stop we can start to look at a holiday?

Thanks to this forum we’re seeking advice on getting the spousal element reduced or cancelled altogether as there is no apparent reason she cannot work more hours.

Thanks, I say again my issue is not with my DHs support of his children.

What does "several nights a week" mean ?
Who buys their clothes ?
School lunches ?
Travel ?
Sports equipment ?
Extra curricular activities and school trips ?
DS is 15 this month I have paid:
£30 school trousers (2 pais M&S, now both wrecked)
£100 2nd installment D of E
£50 equipment and food for D of E expedition
£20 football fiesta fees
£ 35 for him and a mate (whose mum helps me out loads) to go bowling and have a burger afterwards.
£ 80 train pass
£30 for equipment for GCSE matgs exam ( new calculatir, geometry set, pencils etc)

I make that £330

Thats before food, bills or any " family" fun stuff. I do not think my DS is "living in the lap of luxury " that's what it costs.

Great, glad you are getting proper legal advice. You should also get legal advice regarding why you (as you stated above) are paying your husband’s ex wife’s spousal and not him. He’s rinsing you love.

Apologies for typos maths exam, pairs of school trousers obvs.

hopeful with respect though that doesn't seem like a typical month does it.. as for the trousers he's 15 not 5 how is he wrecking them?!

I didn’t say he earns £30k, I said under 30! So you can use your calculator all you like, I know what he earns!

He has a pension contribution.

I have not commented on my personal expenses on here, due mostly to outing, so it may not ring true but that’s hardly the problem. My expenses are not in question, they’re not my kids.

Yes I think that is a fairly typical month.
For the £100 D of E you could substitute, new shoes ( he needs school shoes, trainers, football boots, astros all replaced 6 monthly ish), another school trip ( they went to Yepes for history, German exchange in the last year). He needs clothes to wear out of school ( nothing from last summer fits). Football club is £50 twice a year, Gym membership is £22. There is always something. I don't think 1 activity a month with a friend is excessive either.
I absolutely take the point if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. But these DTs deserve a decent standard of living.

Oh plays football at break (which I will not discourage).