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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids

542 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 17:57

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

OP posts:
Miniloso · 23/05/2019 13:07

You said late teens and now GCSE support not needed for years and years? So they are not teens then as everyone is thinking? Two more years till the payments can stop after F/T education ends? Strange how the story keeps changing. If it’s ‘years and years’ then they must be early teens or primary.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 13:07

I did explain myself properly, several times.

Miniloso · 23/05/2019 13:10

This reply has been deleted

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hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 13:11

if you think the OP is a troll you need to report it, not comment on it.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 23/05/2019 13:16

The story is not changing, they are late teens, child maintenance is payable until they reach the end of full time education, spousal continues.
I have explained this a number of tiimes.
I am not a troll! I am reporting that comment. You are very rude.

OP posts:
Miniloso · 23/05/2019 13:17

Says who? You have taken it upon yourself to manage this thread now? Where does it say on Mumsnet do not comment if you think a thread is written by a troll? Why don’t you and the OP just msg each other privately and simper over each other. Do not tell me what to do and what not to do, thank you very much.

Miniloso · 23/05/2019 13:19

This reply has been deleted

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hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 13:20

says MN rules... not me....

its called "troll hunting" and its not allowed. That's common knowledge.

Miniloso · 23/05/2019 13:20

I’m rude, but you are not consistent and are getting people to comment on an ever changing story. Whatever.

DecomposingComposers · 23/05/2019 13:24

who knows, the thing is whoever they put down affects their loan, parents are not obligated to fund the rest. Expected to maybe, but not obligated to.

See, it affects not only how much they get but also how much they pay back. So they might think having a smaller debt but pressuring dad to make up the shortfall benefits them more?

Plus, parents are not compelled to support financially but it is made very clear that it is expected that parents make up the difference between loan amount and maximum loan.

Depends how much you want to alienate your children I suppose?

Miniloso · 23/05/2019 13:26

GCSE support is not required for years and years!

The story is not changing, they are late teens,

Afterthestorm · 23/05/2019 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 23/05/2019 13:40

Thanks @afterthestorm your understanding is correct.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 23/05/2019 13:42

She’s not keeping things afloat! Her ex is bankrolling her

On a £150 per month?? Hardly. SM is often awarded to balance out payments in the divorce. It is silly and naive to take the payment in isolation.

OP, you are bitter and I don't think its due to150 per month. For your own sake you should look into this anc the cause of your unhappiness.
Assuming SM is for 5 years then max payout is £10k. That will easily be swallowed up in court fees and I doubt you will be successful as courts DO NOT overturn agreements unless circumstances have changed significantly. In that event the Ex would be wise to ask a judge to make your H pay her legal bill.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 13:54

Depends how much you want to alienate your children I suppose?

I don't see expecting your children to learn how to stand on their own two feet and accept responsibility for their decisions is alienating them to be honest.

You also only pay student loans back after you're earning a certain amount, and at not very much a month.

You don't have to go to university if you don't want the responsibility of paying back the loan. You don't have to live in halls, and you can work alongside a lot of courses.

this never used to be a thing, and still is not a thing for many parents who do not have enough money to throw at their adult children.

Hithere12 · 23/05/2019 13:58

I feel so sorry for his ex wife. She’s just living her life, looking after her kids and has this crazy woman trying to get involved in her financial affairs because she’s jealous she has to work full time?

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 14:15

you feel so sorry for his ex wife working 12 hours a week! I don't!

hopefulhalf · 23/05/2019 14:18

As I said I don't doubt you can do it more cheaply, but £500 pm is not loads to pay for a teenager.
I happen to think that things like D of E are important maybe XW does too, maybe the twins want to do things with thier friends (all but 3 of DS year did it).
Why should the DTs not have these thungs because thier Dad no longer lives there ?

hopefulhalf · 23/05/2019 14:19

Their and things

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 14:21

hopeful on 30k a year, and a wife who works 12 hrs a week, its unlikely they would have had much money when they were together, so they might not get that much spent on them anyway even if their parents hadn't divorced.

hopefulhalf · 23/05/2019 14:27

GCSE support not required for years, well no but this idea that secondary school age DCs need no supervision or support isn't right either. Teenagers' brains arent mature, they need help to prioritise, to make good decisions, they need encouragment to leave the house, to exercise and to keep going when things are tough.
I have relatively organised and motivated DCs (13&15) but I have structured my working life so I am availible for them as much as possible. DH is around too and if he wasnt I'm not sure I could do ft hours without comprimising their wellbeing.
Maybe XW feels the same.

Hithere12 · 23/05/2019 14:27

you feel so sorry for his ex wife working 12 hours a week! I don't

🙄 you sound bitter as well. The two of them came to a financial agreement where he’d pay her £500 pm before this woman was even involved in their lives. It’s hardly much to feed/cloth two teenagers along with petrol/electricity/water etc.

Honestly if you’re bitter you have to work full time it’s not his ex wife’s fault!! Jeez.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 14:42

why would I be bitter about someone elses ex wife?

I said I wouldn't feel sorry for her, not that I hate her because she chooses to work less hours than I do!

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 14:43

DH is around too and if he wasnt I'm not sure I could do ft hours without comprimising their wellbeing

right so parents of teenage children who work FT are compromising their wellbeing?

hopefulhalf · 23/05/2019 14:47

Plant pot I am talking about my life, my DH and my DCs. I do work ft, so does DH it is bloody hard work. We both prioritise the DC's needs. I am not telling anyone else what they should do.