would you judge me for claiming benefits?

[milkshak3]

I know it's not about what others think but for me this is a big issue.

I plan to leave work. DC are 8 and 12. DC1 has severe learning diffs and all childcare arrangements have broken down (we had a childminder who was fab but now retires, other childminders won't take a near teen with very complex needs, the council doesn't have schemes for children above primary school age, social car says childcare is for me to sort and they won't increase my 3 hours respite I get once a month and I don't have family either).

DH works but isn't on a great wage which means we will claim carers allowance and UC. but I feel dreadful. a few friends said if I managed to work up to that point, then I clearly can work and it would be lazy of me to expect the state to fund me (they just think I should find another CM or so which doesn't work). I

I have always worked despite DC1 but the lack of childcare is pushing me out and tbh, the constant caring from early in the morning until into the night plus work really got the better of me. I do not get any me time at all. my physical and mental health aren't great and I actually think having 5 hours just for myself every single day would do me a world of good (the 3h respite I get are spend with DC2 - I didn't have time for myself in over a decade).

Would you look down on me for putting my feet up during the school hours in these circumstances and getting carers allowance and UC? being looked down upon is really an issue for me. financially we wouldn't be much worse off as we wouldn't pay for childcare, so doable from that point.

No judgement here, caring for a child with special needs is tough.

I gave up work for similar reasons. No one needs to know if you claim benefits or not, I never tell anyone.

I would applaud you for meeting your children's needs.

I wouldn’t judge you at all.

YANBU. Kudos for keeping it up for so long.

I wouldn't necessary judge you but how come you haven't had the time to yourself in over a decade? Where's your DH in it?

Op l am usually pretty judgy about people calming benefits...but benefits ARE IMO for people like you who have children or family members with substantial care needs, Not for those who are perfectly capable.

Of course you should be supported by the state to care for your family under those circumstances, and l would be surprised to find anyone who pays taxes to say otherwise.

It sounds like both parents working outside the home isn’t right for you. Who earned more per hour away from home though, you or dh?

NO, I wouldn't judge you. Fuck what people say, bet they wouldn't care to swap, would they? Thought not.

I think the bigger issue is why do you care what others think so much? It sounds like this is the best move for your family. Only you know what the challenges of having your special needs child are.

I would suggest you spend some of that time with a therapist to go over why you care so much about other's opinion to the point where you are letting it influence your deeply personal family decisions. You may be able to get an NHS referral, and many private therapists work on a sliding scale with income.

I don’t what it must be like to care for a child with complex needs but I imagine it’s very tough and needs a lot of energy. I certainly wouldn’t judge you for making the choice to give yourself some time and to care for your child as you no longer have a career for him. And your health and well being is important too. Don’t beat yourself up about this. Do what’s best for you and you family.

Why does anyone other than you and your husband need to know? I don't speak about my money to others, why should people on benefits have to tell everyone? Unless you are coming to borrow off people constantly then It's none of their business.

YANBU, no judgement whatsoever.

I don’t think anyone would look down on you. I suspect you won’t get et five hours all for yourself everyday but it might be a bit easier.

And no one who hasn't experienced having a child with SN turned down by a childminder, or hasn't experienced having a teen who still needs care in school holidays(which doesn't exist), I repeat, no one who hasn't experienced those things has any right to say one single word

I wouldn't necessary judge you but how come you haven't had the time to yourself in over a decade? Where's your DH in it?

he struggles with DC1. He does things alone with DC1 but then I am usuay either dealing with DC2, household or I am working. I get the very odd hour once in the blue moon to myself but that isn't really downtime for me. DH also doesn't really get a break apart from a hobby he does once a week (and yes, it's cycling ) but I am cool with that.

Sometimes you need to do what you need to do. I would love to work but with ds needs it simply isn’t possible.

Nope! But then I’m not judgey about most people who claim benefits. Even if they are single parents who could work.

So in your case 100% not.

it sounds like a very sensible decision in the circumstances and I'm normally pretty judgy

Op l am usually pretty judgy about people calming benefits...but benefits ARE IMO for people like you who have children or family members with substantial care needs
Ditto this

You are doing the right thing for you and your family. No one else’s opinion matters. Best of luck to you.

I did the same when my son with ASC hit his teens. There was nothing suitable for his needs.

I’ve had to make difficult decisions as in exactly the same position with a 12 year old with special needs and out of school much of the time.

I wouldn’t bother involving anyone else with your discussions or decisions. It is your business.

Judge the judgers, not you. They are the cunts!

I think you should do it. Situations like yours are exactly why benefits exist ... and you’ve been paying your taxes for years so if anyone begrudges you getting some help then tell them to eff off!