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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

would you judge me for claiming benefits?

174 replies

milkshak3 · 21/05/2019 08:14

I know it's not about what others think but for me this is a big issue.

I plan to leave work. DC are 8 and 12. DC1 has severe learning diffs and all childcare arrangements have broken down (we had a childminder who was fab but now retires, other childminders won't take a near teen with very complex needs, the council doesn't have schemes for children above primary school age, social car says childcare is for me to sort and they won't increase my 3 hours respite I get once a month and I don't have family either).

DH works but isn't on a great wage which means we will claim carers allowance and UC. but I feel dreadful. a few friends said if I managed to work up to that point, then I clearly can work and it would be lazy of me to expect the state to fund me (they just think I should find another CM or so which doesn't work). I

I have always worked despite DC1 but the lack of childcare is pushing me out and tbh, the constant caring from early in the morning until into the night plus work really got the better of me. I do not get any me time at all. my physical and mental health aren't great and I actually think having 5 hours just for myself every single day would do me a world of good (the 3h respite I get are spend with DC2 - I didn't have time for myself in over a decade).

Would you look down on me for putting my feet up during the school hours in these circumstances and getting carers allowance and UC? being looked down upon is really an issue for me. financially we wouldn't be much worse off as we wouldn't pay for childcare, so doable from that point.

OP posts:

OhMsBeliever · 21/05/2019 12:25

I'm a single parents on benefits. I can't work either because my 17 year old has autism and learning disabilities and I still have to take him and pick him up from school, he can't go out on his own or be left at home on his own. No childcare for a teenager, who's nearly an adult, for before/after school or holidays etc, so I have no choice but to stay at home.

No judgement at all from me, I know how hard it is.

krustykittens · 21/05/2019 12:31

Benefits are created exactly for families like yours. I don't know if it has already been said, but you are saving the government so much more by caring for your child yourself then relying on (non-existent) government services. So fuck any one who has a problem with it, you are entitled to that money, your son is entitled to care that keeps him safe and happy and you are the ONLY person who can provide that care. What on earth are you supposed to do when there is no care available when you work? Dump him in the woods and hope a fox family take him in?!

vickibee · 21/05/2019 13:33

Clearly no one chooses to have a child with additional needs and people should not judge until they have walked in your shoes. It is so hard, I am lucky because I work school hours but that still leaves the holidays which are a nightmare. I wrote to our director of children's services explaining that there was insufficient childcare for disabled kids and I got a BS reply quoting stats and that there was enough in our area. Settings are unwilling to make reasonable adjustments to care for SEN kids.
Ask for a SW to review your family needs we have just been awarded direct payments for 5 hours per week of respite. It has taken over a year though!

LeilaDarling · 21/05/2019 14:37

I don’t actually know how you have done it for so long. I think wholeheartedly claim UC and anything else you can to make yours and your families life somewhat easier.

4cats2kids · 21/05/2019 16:29

I wouldn’t judge at all.

I have a child with autism, dyspraxia, and a whole host of health issues.

Kids of healthy, typically developing children don’t have a clue what it’s like for families like us, and how exhausting and relentless it all is. Ignore them, it’s complete ignorance.

StopSpinning · 21/05/2019 16:32

No judgement at all. Those 'friends' aren't true friends if they can't understand.

ThatCurlyGirl · 21/05/2019 16:39

You are exactly the kind of family the benefits system is genuinely meant for - people who need support. You have so much on your plate it must be overwhelming.

Don't ever feel bad about it, you're doing your absolute best and if someone judges you for claiming benefits they are quite frankly dickheads!

nwybhs · 21/05/2019 16:40

I wouldn't judge you for claiming benefits. I would judge slightly for the fact you discuss your finances and look for friends to justify. It's no ones business but your own.

stayathomer · 21/05/2019 16:42

Would you look down on me for putting my feet up during the school hours in these circumstances and getting carers allowance and UC?
People who get to sit down or take a rest etc during the day generally need it because they were up over the night/are wrecked from dealing with things at other stages of the day. You need and are entitled to that money.

Original poster

milkshak3 · 21/05/2019 18:15

thanks all! I really just need to learn to not give two hoots to what anyone else is thinking. It's not as if I have a choice in any case but I was really touched by the many supportive replies (and in Aibu of all the places)

OP posts:

LakieLady · 21/05/2019 18:24

YANBU. Being a full-time carer is a bloody hard job and no-one would do it for the money.

Your friends ABU though, and judgy, and clearly don't have a clue how difficult it is to bring up a child with and LD, especially when they get near puberty.

lasttimeround · 21/05/2019 18:32

You have a really mean friend. A very low proportion of mothers of children with severe disabilities work. I think its 16% compared to 60% for other mothers. For all the reasons in your post the demands of caring, the lack of childcare, the limited respite services. I judge the state. It would be so much better if we could work and the support was in place to help that happen. Benefits provide much less money and autonomy than most work. Plus work helps self esteem and would be a better long term plan for many but sometimes it's just not possible.
Your friend really has no clue

DownStreet · 21/05/2019 19:01

OP, just do what is best for you and your family. I honestly don’t think you have much of a choice, but even if you did... how many people are asking their accountants not to save them money on their taxes, because they want to pay more into the system?

All the people who have commented to say how the OP is deserving but usually they judge the hell out of anyone claiming money they’re entitled to, are all part of the problem. The hostile way we treat people who need assistance from the state is the reason people are dying waiting for it, and the reason single mothers with terminal ilnesses are spending their last months of life fighting for insignificant amounts of money.

tor8181 · 21/05/2019 19:02

this is our life and have been for years
i dont give a shit if people judge,you have to do whats best for your family, for us its being carers and home educating the kids

2 kids on dla and 2 adults on carers allowance and income support,we get a lot of tax credits as they get high care so a bonus on top of normal rate.full rent and CT paid

tbh with you we get a lot of money between the 4 of us and no way do we scrape by,nearly £800 a week and thats money in our hand, this goes far in our area of south wales(valleys)and we would be considered as very well off

both kids need 24 hours care and need a adult each so theres no chance of us working(work all day every day anyway)

as my youngest is 8(mentally 4)this is going to be our life for years and years

Knittedfairies · 21/05/2019 19:11

No judgement from me either; I had to do the same thing.

I read something the other day that really resonated with me:
'What other people think of you is none of your business'

Enjoy your 5 hours a day for you OP.💐

Gingerkittykat · 21/05/2019 19:29

Make sure you get proper benefits advice from CAB or similar, like someone said upthread because you have paid NI you might get some JSA or similar for a while as well as UC.

Purpleartichoke · 21/05/2019 19:33

Caring for a special needs child is one of the reasons benefits exist.

smallereveryday · 21/05/2019 19:38

As someone who spent 32 years prosecuting people who were defrauding the system, I would be quite upset with you if you didn't do this!. We have a welfare state for a reason, and your family circumstances are exactly that reason.

MyDcAreMarvel · 21/05/2019 21:02

No, I judge the government for paying you 0.39pence per hour as a carer.

DesperadoDan · 21/05/2019 21:11

So happy to see all the support you have received here op!
It was my DS’s annual review at school today, he can now trace his name over dots, this is a remarkable achievement for him.
So many parents out there caring and looking after children with various SN, it’s so very hard sometimes but their achievements make it all worth it.

blackteasplease · 21/05/2019 21:16

God no, wouldn't judge you at all.

Those who judge you deserve judgment, as others have said!

rhowton · 21/05/2019 21:30

You sit yourself down and watch Homes Under the Hammer, grab a cup of tea or have a sleep!! It seems like you deserve it! I'm still dreaming of marrying a millionaire 🥰

SteelRiver · 21/05/2019 21:45

I think it was awful of your friends to be so negative about the possibility. They must see how difficult things are for you. I'm not sure I'd want those people as friends.

I'm disabled and struggled on with trying to work till I was on the verge of being sacked and close to physical breakdown. I don't care what people think of me for finally giving up. I don't think you should worry what others think either, OP. I hope things start to improve for you very soon. Sending best wishes.

stayathomer · 21/05/2019 22:31

he can now trace his name over dots, this is a remarkable achievement for him

Congratulations, lovely news

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