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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you judge me for claiming benefits?

174 replies

milkshak3 · 21/05/2019 08:14

I know it's not about what others think but for me this is a big issue.

I plan to leave work. DC are 8 and 12. DC1 has severe learning diffs and all childcare arrangements have broken down (we had a childminder who was fab but now retires, other childminders won't take a near teen with very complex needs, the council doesn't have schemes for children above primary school age, social car says childcare is for me to sort and they won't increase my 3 hours respite I get once a month and I don't have family either).

DH works but isn't on a great wage which means we will claim carers allowance and UC. but I feel dreadful. a few friends said if I managed to work up to that point, then I clearly can work and it would be lazy of me to expect the state to fund me (they just think I should find another CM or so which doesn't work). I

I have always worked despite DC1 but the lack of childcare is pushing me out and tbh, the constant caring from early in the morning until into the night plus work really got the better of me. I do not get any me time at all. my physical and mental health aren't great and I actually think having 5 hours just for myself every single day would do me a world of good (the 3h respite I get are spend with DC2 - I didn't have time for myself in over a decade).

Would you look down on me for putting my feet up during the school hours in these circumstances and getting carers allowance and UC? being looked down upon is really an issue for me. financially we wouldn't be much worse off as we wouldn't pay for childcare, so doable from that point.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 21/05/2019 08:49

There's either childcare or there isn't Confused

Who could possibly judge NEEDING to look after your son when no one else can ?

theWarOnPeace · 21/05/2019 08:49

I wouldn’t judge you for doing it, I’m amazed you’ve been able to power through for so long with a child having complex needs. Your friends are dicks for judging you!

EggAndButter · 21/05/2019 08:50

No judgement here. You are dactyl the type of person that should receive benefits.

I do agree with a PP. Wether you are working or not, you need some down time.
If your DH can manage a once a week hobby, then so should you. It’s essential for you, for your family and your dc1 because if you really burn out and have to stop all the things you do, (or do much less), it’s going to be very hard for everybody.
Your DH needs to learn to cope with his child, even if it’s hard.

user87382294757 · 21/05/2019 08:53

No judgement here, we also claim tax credits, and PIP / ESA.

I would stop worrying what others think and focus on getting the benefits sorted, sometimes there is help for the forms etc,

Maybe you can do a course or something for yourself in the time DC are at school. Sound like you deserve it.

Fucktifikeepmyrealname · 21/05/2019 08:53

Totally don't judge you. Do what you need to do to get by.

I wonder if your friends maybe don't quite "get it"? Maybe from where they stand, because you've been managing to juggle everything for so long, they don't quite understand the depth of your child's needs, or the difficulty of finding adequate (let alone desirable) care. If that is the case maybe you could feel less negatively judged and take it as a "they just don't realise how fucking awesome a job I've been doing - I'm making the impossible look simple".

If they're genuinely judgy, you need new friends.

Gingervitis · 21/05/2019 08:55

Not at all, it's the right thing to do for a) your children and b) your wellbeing. In my view this is one of the multiple reasons the system exists, I wouldn't judge you at all and would encourage you to get as many as you are eligible for.

MintyCedric · 21/05/2019 08:55

You are doing 100% the right thing, and the fact that you are self aware enough to know what you and your family need and strong enough to make it happen is a credit to you.

People really don't realise how hard caring is unless they've been there. I'm currently juggling a full time job/home/teenager and increasingly dependent elderly parents with no partner or other family support.

We're muddling through for now but there will probably come a point what I have to make a similar judgement call.

Best of luck...I hope it works out really well for you and your family Flowers

x2boys · 21/05/2019 08:58

Those who don't last live in the world of special needs/disabilities often don't get it,I'm lucky that I now have a group.of friends who all.have children with disabilities,and are very supportive ,most of my other friends have fallen by the wayside .

Morgan12 · 21/05/2019 09:00

No way would I judge this. I think you are making the right choice and believe benefits are there for people in your situation.

owlonabike · 21/05/2019 09:01

Dear lord, it’s a poor do if we, as a society, aren’t willing to look after families like yours. Please do what is best for you all and I hope you can get back to full health yourself.
I wouldn’t judge you, but I would judge your ‘friends ‘.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 21/05/2019 09:01

I judge the shitty system that forces you to make this decision. I would never judge you. I feel deeply sorry that you do not have more options.

MadamMMA · 21/05/2019 09:02

Your situation is one that benefits are for, those 'friends' don't know what they are talking about.

somecakefather · 21/05/2019 09:02

No I wouldn't judge you.

Your friends don't sound very supportive.

gingersausage · 21/05/2019 09:05

Stop discussing your financial situation with people outside your home. No one needs to know what you claim, and you don’t need to justify how you spend your day. No one can judge you if you don’t give them the information to do so 🤷‍♀️.

If you feel bad about “sitting with your feet up”, is there a charity or organisation that helps people with your child’s diagnosis? If so, ask them if they need help with anything that you could do for a couple of hours here and there.

I’m disabled and I have a child with disabilities and I claim/ed every damn thing I’m entitled to. Like you, I paid in when I worked so I have a clear conscience. It helps that, like I said, I don’t discuss it with anyone. People can think what they like, I don’t give a toss.

saoirse31 · 21/05/2019 09:05

They're not your friends. No one with an ounce of decency would judge you.

Also, why r you telling people, none of their business.

MinistryOfTragic · 21/05/2019 09:08

No judgement here either. You're putting your family first and your hand is being forced. In your position I would do exactly the same thing.

SleepingSloth · 21/05/2019 09:08

Your 'friends' sound awful.

It sounds like giving up work and looking after your children is the best option for everyone. Anyone who judges you needs to get some empathy. I hope this makes your life a little easier.

Happynow001 · 21/05/2019 09:09

No judgment here OP. You/your family are exactly the group of people the welfare/benefits system is there to help. You have proven already that you do have a good work ethic and only now need to stop work given the current circumstances (CM retiring etc) plus your husband is still working.

Those "friends" who are judging are behaving in an ignorant fashion and I wonder how they would cope in your situation.

Use the extra time as well as you can apart from the care if DC1. Something for yourself - maybe some part time education online? A new skill? Something to keep you mentally stimulated.

Also try and ensure you still make your full NI payments so you are eligible for the maximum State pension in due course. The www.gov.co.uk website is quite comprehensive or you can phone and speak to someone.

Good luck OP. 🌹

DulcieRay · 21/05/2019 09:13

You need to worry less about the opinions of ignorant people. We have a benefits system for a reason

Lilymossflower · 21/05/2019 09:14

The benefits is just paying for the (very real!) Work that you do looking after your special needs child !

Give yourself a break , your not lazy !
Your entitled to the money and the change will help you all out

RussianSpamBot · 21/05/2019 09:14

Wouldn't judge in the slightest. I would caution against relying on UC unless you've no other option... but it sounds like you don't.

Iwantacookie · 21/05/2019 09:15

No judgement from me.
I had to give up work to care for my dp. It's hard because people don't realise there is no clock off time so they assume your lazy.
You don't have to explain your circumstances to anyone.

CocoCharlie83 · 21/05/2019 09:15

I absolutely hate when people claim benefits when they shouldn't/don't deserve to but in your case you are 100% not being U and should not be judged for it.

I hope things get easier for you and you enjoy the extra time with your DC.

Overmaars · 21/05/2019 09:15

Wow, I can't believe your friends are judging you given your situation.

And I wonder how much support they're willing to offer to enable you to work (educated guess:none).

Do what's best for your family and sod them.

Dillydallyalltheway · 21/05/2019 09:16

You won’t be keeping your feet up during school hours, you will still be doing lots of necessary bits and bobs.
Tell your friends who are judging you to to live your life for 7 days, then see how they feel then. Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do.Flowers

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