would you judge me for claiming benefits?

[milkshak3]

I know it's not about what others think but for me this is a big issue.

I plan to leave work. DC are 8 and 12. DC1 has severe learning diffs and all childcare arrangements have broken down (we had a childminder who was fab but now retires, other childminders won't take a near teen with very complex needs, the council doesn't have schemes for children above primary school age, social car says childcare is for me to sort and they won't increase my 3 hours respite I get once a month and I don't have family either).

DH works but isn't on a great wage which means we will claim carers allowance and UC. but I feel dreadful. a few friends said if I managed to work up to that point, then I clearly can work and it would be lazy of me to expect the state to fund me (they just think I should find another CM or so which doesn't work). I

I have always worked despite DC1 but the lack of childcare is pushing me out and tbh, the constant caring from early in the morning until into the night plus work really got the better of me. I do not get any me time at all. my physical and mental health aren't great and I actually think having 5 hours just for myself every single day would do me a world of good (the 3h respite I get are spend with DC2 - I didn't have time for myself in over a decade).

Would you look down on me for putting my feet up during the school hours in these circumstances and getting carers allowance and UC? being looked down upon is really an issue for me. financially we wouldn't be much worse off as we wouldn't pay for childcare, so doable from that point.

Hell no! Englands a hard place to live a comfortable lifestyle-i worked in MH for years before emigrating to Oz..every visit back is listening to friends storirs re education/NHS&how skint&stressed out everyone is..i would be on UC like a shot in your shoes(&well done for coping so far&actually putting ur kids&YOUR MH 1st)-uv got heaps on ur plate -the self-righteous&judgey fucks have clearly never gone short of a few quid or lived with MH issues.

Will you get UC with a partner and making yourself voluntarily unemployed ?

Many people love to judge benefit recipients, it's as if taxpayers money being used as It should be, gives them permission to offload much envy and bitterness through commenting on others lives. So do what you feel is right for you O P and keep it to yourself. Nobody's business but yours. Good luck with the future.

I don't judge anyone who claims benefits. Their life isn't my life, so it's none of my business. TBH I don't care if a few (comparatively speaking) people claim something they're not entitled to if it made the safety net easier to access and the process less dehumanising for those who need it.

OP ditch your so-called friends, claim your benefits, care for your family, hold your head up high.

" a few friends said if I managed to work up to that point, then I clearly can work and it would be lazy of me to expect the state to fund me (they just think I should find another CM or so which doesn't work)."

They are not your friends. They are ignorant, judgemental and unsupportive. You'd be better off without them.

YANBU and you should do what's right for your family. You should also make sure that you and DH have equal leisure time. He will only get better with the DC if he has more time when he's responsible for them.

Absolutely stay at home, you’re providing a big public service already by taking care of your vulnerable son. Go swimming, read, go for walks, get yourself on good form for you and your family. Don’t work yourself into the ground, no one can work 23/7.

Caring for a child with additional needs is your full time job. If you cannot find anyone to care for him while you work then you can't work. The benefits system is intended to support people in our position.

No absolutely not I have been (and am where you are still in some ways). It’s awful, exhausting, stressful and people who have children that do no have additional needs have to no idea how much more work it is or the challenges you face.

I couldn’t get care for my additional needs 7 year old in the school holidays even the additional needs club sent him home. He went to after school club but would end up in a room with just a staff member rather than playing with other kids as they really had no clue how to deal with him. I ended up giving up work during the week and going to a sat only. To do this we had to claim carers allowance and tax credits as dh isn’t a high earner. I have been judged but those that judged have never offered to look after ds whilst we struggled with childcare so I don’t care. I know they would never cope with what I do daily. It’s made life much easier as childcare issues were such an ongoing battle. I chose to continue to work on a sat as I hope one day to be able to go back to working during the week and retain my skills plus the extra money is helpful.

Will you get UC with a partner and making yourself voluntarily unemployed

I am not leaving work by choice though. have you read my OP? What do you suggest I should do to avoid this voluntary deed. It's comments like that I had in RL which set me off.

apart from that, I will not claim JSA but CA and as a carer, I am do not have to look for employment. and yes, in our circumstances we would get UC.

You won’t be keeping your feet up during school hours, you will still be doing lots of necessary bits and bobs

I did all the housework in the afternoon/ev/weekend cause I never had time to do bits and bobs during the day. I fully intend to use this time for myself. for once

Don't ever give a shit what other people think it's what work for the family! You deserve some time out. It's no one else's business. No one has a right to judge until they've been in your shoes. Go for it

No judgement at all OP and it really doesn't matter what others think. They don't even have to know.
Do be warned though that being in receipt of CA now does not automatically mean you are unfit to job seek. As your ds is in school they may say that you need to find a school hours job. All the best OP, I know how hard it can be

a few friends said if I managed to work up to that point, then I clearly can work and it would be lazy of me to expect the state to fund me

You need better friends. Where do people get off being so sanctimonious? Especially towards “friends”

No judging from me either OP...do what you need to do for you and your family ...

no judgement here, you`ve done well to last this long. DS is secondary and theres no provision for this group is there!?

So were in the same boat. theyre not really friends are they? but then again from a distance they may not see behind closed doors and all that? you`re entitked to the benefits, so take it. we found me at home with ds has made things a bit tighter financially, BUT the pressure of everything work/ childcare etc is off. makes the whole house feel better and less stressed. ds is also less stressed (ASD) and thats come out in his behaviours etc as well.

a few friends said if I managed to work up to that point, then I clearly can work and it would be lazy of me to expect the state to fund me
And how do they juggle their complex need kids? Or do they all have standard issue kids, who fit comparatively easily into childcare? Yup, thought as much.

You have more on your plate than most parents will thankfully ever have to. You do what you need to get through. If that means that right now you need some financial help, then that's what you do.

If your friends truly cared to understand your life, they wouldn't judge you

I`m on CA....no expectation to go and look for work. (not that any fits us anyway). so where on earth did you get that from?? we CAN earn a little if we choose to top it up though.

Not in a million years.

Nobody who hasn’t been there can possible understand the issues. Trying to get childcare for kids with SN is virtually impossible. I asked my OT before DD started school, how other people manage and she said most have a non working parent.

The only concern I would have would be for your mental health. If you are used to working, then not doing so can be quite isolating, and for me, working is respite from the daily struggles of dealing with disability issues. It might be possible to find something you can do with those few hours, just for a bit of interaction wit the outside world. If not laid work, some volunteering.

The social security system is woefully inadequate for people in your situation and because there are smaller numbers nothing gets done, not enough voices join ours to campaign for it.

Can you imagine if the LA withdrew all childcare for all children? There would be an uproar, but SN kids can go without, no problem. 😡

No I wouldn’t. Don’t even worry what others think, just do what’s best for your family.

I am not leaving work by choice though. have you read my OP?

Prickly! Of course I read your OP.

But voluntarily leaving a job will be deemed as making yourself intentionally unemployed, unless things have radically changed in the past few years, which I doubt . I would suggest you make sure your claim will be processed favourably and you don't have a 16 week wait. You may be able to claim immediately as you have a child in receipt of DLA, all Im doing is asking you to double check.

in almost every family ive ever known with a child with SEN, one parent has usually had to give up work eventually

“Illness is neither an indulgence for which people have to pay nor an offence for which they should be penalised, but a misfortune the cost of which should be shared by the community.” (Attributed to Aneurin Bevan).

I would not judge you and would see it as use of money as it was intended to be spent. Also, your friends judgy pants are so far up their own arses, they have given themselves epic wedgies.

OP please don’t worry about people judging you. It all sounds bloody difficult. Do what’s best for your family.

NRTFT so this may have come up but are you definitely entitled to UC? I work with a charity supporting new claimants at the moment and if your husband is on a decent wage you might not be entitled. You would be entitled to contributions based JSA/ESA though if you’ve been working the past three years.

I don’t judge you at all for being on benefits. It does sound like you need some respite though, you’re human and deserve some time to yourself too.
Are there any services that would allow him to have a bedroom somewhere else regularly?