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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you judge me for claiming benefits?

174 replies

milkshak3 · 21/05/2019 08:14

I know it's not about what others think but for me this is a big issue.

I plan to leave work. DC are 8 and 12. DC1 has severe learning diffs and all childcare arrangements have broken down (we had a childminder who was fab but now retires, other childminders won't take a near teen with very complex needs, the council doesn't have schemes for children above primary school age, social car says childcare is for me to sort and they won't increase my 3 hours respite I get once a month and I don't have family either).

DH works but isn't on a great wage which means we will claim carers allowance and UC. but I feel dreadful. a few friends said if I managed to work up to that point, then I clearly can work and it would be lazy of me to expect the state to fund me (they just think I should find another CM or so which doesn't work). I

I have always worked despite DC1 but the lack of childcare is pushing me out and tbh, the constant caring from early in the morning until into the night plus work really got the better of me. I do not get any me time at all. my physical and mental health aren't great and I actually think having 5 hours just for myself every single day would do me a world of good (the 3h respite I get are spend with DC2 - I didn't have time for myself in over a decade).

Would you look down on me for putting my feet up during the school hours in these circumstances and getting carers allowance and UC? being looked down upon is really an issue for me. financially we wouldn't be much worse off as we wouldn't pay for childcare, so doable from that point.

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 21/05/2019 10:21

I have twins with ASD, both toddlers currently. It’s the system letting you down because there isn’t sufficient support in place to enable you to work. If there’s no one to look after your child outside of school, you don’t have any choice but to stop working. Anyone who judges has no fucking idea what we go through.

JADS · 21/05/2019 10:23

Absolutely no judgement from me. Elder DS1 has special needs and despite being a sweet loving 8 year old boy, we are struggling to find after school care for him. We are fortunate enough to be able to afford a nanny and a separate cm for ds2. It has been fine up until now. I dread to think how we will cope when he is a teen.

Hugs to you and your family. And anyone who bitches about your dh hobby can fuck right off. SEN parents need a break even more than NT parents.

LellyMcKelly · 21/05/2019 10:24

No judgement from me. You’d be saving the cost of a carer, so the state is probably better off having you at home anyway.

BenWillbondsPants · 21/05/2019 10:25

Not at all, benefits are for people in your situation IMO. Are these so called 'friends' of yours willing to help you out sometime rather than judge you?

AllInADay · 21/05/2019 10:26

OP. If you intend to leave voluntarily, get a letter from your employer explaining the reasons why you felt you had to leave and it was nothing to do with your performance or any other reason and the difficulties of your domestic circumstances. At the JobCentre you will be asked to fill in and sign a form which permits them to go back to your employer to ask why you left your job. The advisor has little discretion in asking you to do this. They have to. It may cause a delay and a bit of investigation, so the more information and support you go armed with, the less time the delay.

Nonnymum · 21/05/2019 10:27

Do what you think is right for you and your children. No one has a right to judge you. Things are never as simple as people often think

MRex · 21/05/2019 10:27

These benefits have harder barriers to claim than they used you. If you can get paid the benefits in your circumstances then it will be because you're entitled to them. FWIW, I'm very happy for my tax money to support someone like you who needs it, but even if someone isn't you must remember it is not their business. Be honest and claim what you are entitled to. If you have time "to yourself" then after a brief rest I think you should spend more time looking into what other help you can apply to get with his care once he is an older teen and an adult, you won't physically be able to continue this way forever.

SnuggyBuggy · 21/05/2019 10:33

A wise person once told me never look at the person with the finger pointed at them, always look at the finger pointer.

Arbeit mach frei is a cruel myth and it sounds like you are making a sensible decision for your family. With additional needs it seems to get harder to find care as the child gets older and into adulthood and that isn't your fault.

outsho · 21/05/2019 10:36

YANBU at all and those are not friends, find some new ones.

bethy15 · 21/05/2019 10:37

a few friends said if I managed to work up to that point, then I clearly can work and it would be lazy of me to expect the state to fund me (they just think I should find another CM or so which doesn't work).

These people are not your friends, not even a small bit.

You clearly need support, not judgement, it's hard to care for a child with extra needs.
Carers allowance is there for those who care, it's all well for them to judge you, but they are not living your life. If you have no other childcare, you need to be there to care.

And you don't need to tell people, it's none of their business, and will only result in unhelpful judgements.

AnotherEmma · 21/05/2019 10:48

"OP. If you intend to leave voluntarily, get a letter from your employer explaining the reasons why you felt you had to leave and it was nothing to do with your performance or any other reason and the difficulties of your domestic circumstances. At the JobCentre you will be asked to fill in and sign a form which permits them to go back to your employer to ask why you left your job. The advisor has little discretion in asking you to do this. They have to. It may cause a delay and a bit of investigation, so the more information and support you go armed with, the less time the delay."

This is incorrect. Please don't waste your employer's time by asking for a letter like that, you don't need one. As the parent of a child on DLA, you won't be required to look for work and it doesn't matter that you left voluntarily - you are leaving to become a full time carer for your child which the DWP recognise as a legitimate choice.

It might be helpful to provide evidence that you requested a change in working hours (school hours and term time only) and your request was rejected. I expect that would be sufficient if anything is needed.

WitchesGlove · 21/05/2019 10:48

As others have said, care less about what other people think and work on your confidence.

If it bothers you that much, could you get a job working from home, or on evenings/ nights a couple of times a week? Cleaning in school hours?

AnotherEmma · 21/05/2019 10:48

PS I'm a benefits adviser.

Acis · 21/05/2019 10:51

Tell you sanctimonious "friends" that if they can magic up a reliable childminder willing and able to take on a child with complex needs, you will be happy to carry on working. Till then, they need to keep quiet.

Have you had a formal care assessment? You might be entitled to at least some respite care.

hipposarerad · 21/05/2019 10:51

I wouldn't judge anyone claiming what they're entitled to. I am in a similar situation. I have 2 autistic children and DS2 is the complete opposite to DS1. DS1 is in mainstream school and thriving, DS2 has complex emotional and behavioural needs. He's the kind of kid who looks 'normal' until he starts kicking the shit out of the bus stop if the bus is late - the kind of kid that people nudge each other and whisper about.

He gets mid rate DLA so I get Carer's Allowance. He has been in specialist provision mainstream school since Feb '18, and is in school for only 2 hrs per day (they think they might not be the right fit for his needs after all).

So, because I have no support apart from DP who works 50ish hrs per week (my family are either working, otherwise uninterested or dead), no affordable specialised childcare (who will deal with his soiling, rigid need for routine and the behaviour etc), I'm left in a position where I 'can't' work due to having no availability. And I still feel like an absolute chancer whose sucking up precious resources and taking the piss out of the hardworking tax payer. Which is funny, considering that during my years as a hard working tax payer I never gave a moment's thought to where 'my' tax money was going.

I'd love to find something I can do from home that I can dip in and out of, but I'm not very bright and my basic admin skills are probably very rusty now.

So you claim what you're entitled to and don't tell your frenemies your financial situation (or get some kinder friends).

Nuttyaboutnutella · 21/05/2019 10:54

No, I would absolutely not judge you. Situations like yours are exactly what the benefit system is FOR, in my view. I do judge my relative for openly admitting to not working and claiming benefits until her son is in full time school, despite 50/50 care because she wants to enjoy some fun times while he's with her before he's in the school system until he's 18.

LittleGwyneth · 21/05/2019 11:03

You've paid in, now you need to take out. That's what the system is for.

AutumnColours9 · 21/05/2019 11:08

No judgement here
But i wouldn't judge any SAHP

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 21/05/2019 11:14

I think this is the kind of situation the benefits system is for, I certainly wouldn't judge you, in fact I wish there was ideally more suitable childcare or more benefits available for people in your situation.

If you are in a career role, is there any way you can keep your hand in a little bit?

Kaddm · 21/05/2019 11:26

Anyone who judges you is a monster.

fghkhfdryjkv · 21/05/2019 12:02

Unless your friends are going to provide the childcare for you they can shove their opinions. I'd tell them to mind their own business next time.

Drogosnextwife · 21/05/2019 12:04

If you can claim them OP do it. Anyone that judges you isn't worth worrying about.

cookiechomper · 21/05/2019 12:07

No I wouldn't judge you. Thats what they are there for. I'm a SAHM to four and I claim benefits while husband works. I have been judged but they don't understand our situation so I don't care.

ThenOutCameTheSunshine · 21/05/2019 12:10

No judgement from me at all.

It sounds like life has put a strain on you.

You matter too OP.

vickibee · 21/05/2019 12:20

Agree u have to do what is eight foe your family. My asd son is 12 and we pay a nanny to look after him at home in the holidays. Suitable child care options dont exist after 11. Thank goodness for dla pr thete is no way we could afford this so i guess we are getting benefits of a sort