Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you judge me for claiming benefits?

174 replies

milkshak3 · 21/05/2019 08:14

I know it's not about what others think but for me this is a big issue.

I plan to leave work. DC are 8 and 12. DC1 has severe learning diffs and all childcare arrangements have broken down (we had a childminder who was fab but now retires, other childminders won't take a near teen with very complex needs, the council doesn't have schemes for children above primary school age, social car says childcare is for me to sort and they won't increase my 3 hours respite I get once a month and I don't have family either).

DH works but isn't on a great wage which means we will claim carers allowance and UC. but I feel dreadful. a few friends said if I managed to work up to that point, then I clearly can work and it would be lazy of me to expect the state to fund me (they just think I should find another CM or so which doesn't work). I

I have always worked despite DC1 but the lack of childcare is pushing me out and tbh, the constant caring from early in the morning until into the night plus work really got the better of me. I do not get any me time at all. my physical and mental health aren't great and I actually think having 5 hours just for myself every single day would do me a world of good (the 3h respite I get are spend with DC2 - I didn't have time for myself in over a decade).

Would you look down on me for putting my feet up during the school hours in these circumstances and getting carers allowance and UC? being looked down upon is really an issue for me. financially we wouldn't be much worse off as we wouldn't pay for childcare, so doable from that point.

OP posts:
Littleroundsponge · 21/05/2019 09:50

No I wouldn't judge you at all, anybody who does is just ignorant. People don't understand how hard having a special needs child is unless they've been through it themselves. My Ds is severely autistic, non verbal and has learning difficulties and behavioral issues, I claim benefits for him and for being his carer. It will do you the world of good to have a few hours a day to yourself and to get things done.

Sandra2321 · 21/05/2019 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yabbers · 21/05/2019 09:50

if not laid work

😳😳😳 not suggesting that

I meant PAID work...😆

Dairymilkmuncher · 21/05/2019 09:52

Since your hours caring for your son has gone up would you get more careers allowance and all the benefits/discounts that go with that?

No judgement here and actually it's no ones business you don't have to say you're claiming benefits, you could have come into some money or your partner just relax and do what's best for your family.

Hairyheadphones · 21/05/2019 09:53

You are doing what’s best for your family.
I wouldn’t judge you at app but I do understand how you feel. My DS(11) has special needs and I am still a SAHM, I don’t tell anyone but those who are in the same situation that I claim Carers allowance because I know how judgmental people can be.

Original poster
milkshak3 · 21/05/2019 09:54

As your ds is in school they may say that you need to find a school hours job

I have been applying for dozens of school hour jobs over the last 2 years. if the job center help me to get such s role, I am more than happy to take that on. it's not that I don't want to work, rather the opposite

OP posts:
Original poster
milkshak3 · 21/05/2019 09:55

Since your hours caring for your son has gone up would you get more careers allowance and all the benefits/discounts that go with that?

CA is a fixed rate of £66 per week.

OP posts:
x2boys · 21/05/2019 09:56

She wouldn't be making herself intentionally unemployed Unicorn she would become her child's full time carer, I had exactly the same conversation with a representative from "carers uk" when I intended to give up work ,for the same reasons, if op.gave up work because she just couldn't be arsed working than yes she might have a problem claiming benefits, but as she has a child that receives high rate DLA than she isn't just giving up work she ,s going to be claiming carers allowance and anything else she's ent itled, in the Op,s circumstances it's acceptable to give up work ,(in the DWP, eyes)

Notonaschoolnight · 21/05/2019 09:57

Your “friends” are clueless idiots I’ve got a 16 with Downs and I’ve just had to give up work completely have had to reduce down to 7hpw the last few years so I totally get you. It’s hard to believe that for us the easiest time to work is 0-11 after that it gets much harder unless you have a support network which a lot of people do but a lot of us don’t. I know this is the complete opposite of typical parents who start getting their independence back at that point.

From comp age on options are v limited and did you know that 16+ education is only 3.5 days equivalent I didn’t until we started thinking about college last year that further reduces our opportunities to work

nannybeach · 21/05/2019 09:57

wouldnt judge you at all, save that for the folk who have 20 kids and boast about the flat screen TVs, holidays abroad, and never worked in their lives, good luck to you

fannysonfire · 21/05/2019 09:57

have you checked what you are entitled to OP? and can you manage on it? just the dla and ca side as these are not means tested/ job ?

we dont get anything else and were grateful for that tbh. what your "friends" don`t get is the mental strain on you/ family and what it does to relationships. they may see ds is fine enough, can walk/ talk whatever. the stress/ worry and everything not...... we found once ds hit secondary school age there was no help/ childcare at all. no one wants to know!! its like society expects these kids/ teens to magically walk into yr 7 the same independancewise. take the money and ignore the silly bints :)

CloudRusting · 21/05/2019 09:57

The person who was asking whether you’d get benefits for leaving “voluntarily” wasn’t (I think) judging you on this but asking a sensible question. You have very good reasons for leaving but the benefits office May still view you as leaving voluntarily if you resign regardless. Non voluntary normally being your employer exits you. And it is worth just being clear that you would get the benefits you are expecting just to ensure you don’t get an unpleasant shock.

I certainly wouldnt judge you for this choice and I can certainly see it being attractive for the whole family. I would though just pause to ask yourself a few points (as I would for anyone thinking of giving up for child related reasons) to make sure you’ve considered the whole position:

  • is it worth asking to cut down your hours in some way rather than giving up entirely? Might this work out better financially and still give you some down time. Perhaps with some flex from DH too so childcare can be covered?
  • is your job one you could go back to down the line? If your DC wouldn’t need care forever would you be able to pick it back up then? If not is there a way to keep your hand in such as bank shifts?
  • what are your current pension arrangements and what impact will stopping working have?
  • how does your DH feel about this? Would he be ok working full time if one of the reasons for you to stop is that you can get this free time that he wouldn’t have?

Now I know nothing about what you do, your job and your family circumstances so the above questions may not be the right ones. But I would just ask them of yourself so you make this decision in full knowledge of both the pros and cons. I do hope it works out for you.

Shinesweetfreedom · 21/05/2019 09:58

Put it back on your friends as they have an opinion in your business.Perhaps they can find childcare for you.What they are unable to find someone.Well perhaps they can assist with the childcare.What they are too busy and it isn’t their problem.Thats what I thought.Well in that case they have no say in the matter.Do what is right for you.

Cariadne · 21/05/2019 09:58

No judgment here - I don’t know what the state is for if not to support parents of children with SN who need help.

BlueberryFool123 · 21/05/2019 10:02

No judgment. You are saving the taxpayer money. It seems your alternative is to work and look for a residential placement for your child (so you don’t have the childcare issues). This would cost far more than he benefits you will receives. Family carers save the state a fortune.

Original poster
milkshak3 · 21/05/2019 10:02

is it worth asking to cut down your hours in some way rather than giving up entirely?

I need term time only and school.hours (currently do 30 all year round). I put a request in but got refused. but understandable given the industry I work in.

OP posts:
MillicentMartha · 21/05/2019 10:03

I work in a school which means that I have been able to care for my DS with ASD. He gets PIP and is now at college. My marriage broke down so having some sort of money coming in has been essential. I do regret giving up my career when he was young, though, as my earning potential has been vastly reduced. I earn a bit too much to get CA. It does mean that I get no time to myself, though as when I'm at home, so is DS. That's the same for most single parents. I get tax credits but they have decreased when DS turned 19. I have a younger DS still in sixth form.

Definitely no judgement from me! But maybe look to see if there are any part-time jobs in schools you may be able to do. You'll have lots of skills regarding ASD that might be helpful in schools.

Hairyheadphones · 21/05/2019 10:03

You have very good reasons for leaving but the benefits office May still view you as leaving voluntarily if you resign regardless.
The OP receives DLA for her son so will be entitled to carers allowance and any top to go tax credits/UC that come with it even if she leaves voluntarily.

fannysonfire · 21/05/2019 10:03

I was shocked on that too NOTONASCHOOLNIGHT. childcare from nursery to end of primary was fine. But it stops dead after! an NT child from then can get the school bus, have a house key etc etc (I did).....

I tried that with ds.

total failure and meltdowns galore!! it was a nightmare. taken all that away and now ds is fine.

BethMaddison · 21/05/2019 10:03

I’m going to show this thread to my friend as I think her advisor has been quite unfair saying about during school hours evsiss of course we all know those jobs exist 🙄

BethMaddison · 21/05/2019 10:04

evsiss.......because (autocorrect gone mad)

MidniteScribbler · 21/05/2019 10:08

I wouldn't judge you for being on benefits, but I do judge your DH who has managed to to claim that he can't cope in order to get out of doing his share of the caring duties. He needs to step up.

horizontalis · 21/05/2019 10:16

Way too many judges around these days, they are everywhere you turn.

You get on and do what's best for your family OP, Flowers

Original poster
milkshak3 · 21/05/2019 10:17

midnite, I don't think my short posts convey very well how much he is doing. he does a lot. we are a good team. life has dealt us s very challenging card and we cope as good as we can. I wouldn't have managed to work for so many years without having a DH who fully pulls his weight.

OP posts:
BethMaddison · 21/05/2019 10:18

Also I’d still consider you to be part of a working household....if your dh is working the UC is just a top up really so you should t have anyone judging you x