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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you judge me for claiming benefits?

174 replies

milkshak3 · 21/05/2019 08:14

I know it's not about what others think but for me this is a big issue.

I plan to leave work. DC are 8 and 12. DC1 has severe learning diffs and all childcare arrangements have broken down (we had a childminder who was fab but now retires, other childminders won't take a near teen with very complex needs, the council doesn't have schemes for children above primary school age, social car says childcare is for me to sort and they won't increase my 3 hours respite I get once a month and I don't have family either).

DH works but isn't on a great wage which means we will claim carers allowance and UC. but I feel dreadful. a few friends said if I managed to work up to that point, then I clearly can work and it would be lazy of me to expect the state to fund me (they just think I should find another CM or so which doesn't work). I

I have always worked despite DC1 but the lack of childcare is pushing me out and tbh, the constant caring from early in the morning until into the night plus work really got the better of me. I do not get any me time at all. my physical and mental health aren't great and I actually think having 5 hours just for myself every single day would do me a world of good (the 3h respite I get are spend with DC2 - I didn't have time for myself in over a decade).

Would you look down on me for putting my feet up during the school hours in these circumstances and getting carers allowance and UC? being looked down upon is really an issue for me. financially we wouldn't be much worse off as we wouldn't pay for childcare, so doable from that point.

OP posts:
Aprillygirl · 21/05/2019 08:32

I wouldn't judge you at all OP and I can't believe that some of your friends do! I think it's sad how much mothers are devalued these days,and that people with children who need extra care like yours should be applauded for what they do do,not made to feel like shit for what they don't/can't do.Your kids need you to be physically and mentally strong and they are what matter,not your 'friends' opinion.

BethMaddison · 21/05/2019 08:33

Do you get dla for dc1? As long as you do (I think at a certain rate) this should be fine but otherwise expect hassle from UC
I have a friend who has dc with needs but can’t get dla so from UC perspective there’s no reason why both parents can’t work
Totally unfair situation

BethMaddison · 21/05/2019 08:34

Also even with dla will they say if he’s at school x amount of hours a day that you could work? Expect them to be difficult and have your reasons all prepared. It’s horroble but that’s how it can be. You’ll have to qualify everything and it’s intrusive 😔
I think you are making the right decision though x

sar302 · 21/05/2019 08:35

No judgement, but if you quit work voluntarily, are you allowed to claim straight away? I don't know how it works now it's universal credit, but you might want to have a bit in the bank before you do, just in case

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 21/05/2019 08:35

No judgement from me, that is exactly what benefits are and should be for, people who need them through no fault of their own.

Original poster
milkshak3 · 21/05/2019 08:35

Beth, we get high rate care Dla

OP posts:
Februaryblooms · 21/05/2019 08:36

Your friends are being twats

Absolutely no grounds for judgement in your circumstances.

EskewedBeef · 21/05/2019 08:36

I wouldn't judge you because I wouldn't know you were claiming benefit, and it wouldn't cross my mind to wonder about your financial situation. I'm not that interested in other people Blush

cherryblossomgin · 21/05/2019 08:36

No judgement here. Sounds like the better option. There is no childcare and the council don't provide the service that your son needs right now. If anyone does judge you remember that they haven't lived your life.

PregnantSea · 21/05/2019 08:37

Your friends are being arses about this. It's oh so easy to look from the outside in and decide that people are doing it wrong and that they would do it all differently.

Just do whatever is right for you and your family. If you are entitled to that support and you feel you need it then there is no reason not to accept it. If people have an issue with this then really it is the system they should be judging, not you.

Stressedout10 · 21/05/2019 08:37

I wouldn't judge I'm the same I had to give up work for similar issues when my childminder moved only other childminder wants £14 per hour I just can't afford it

0ccamsRazor · 21/05/2019 08:37

I hope that you get some time to yourself op, being a carer 24/7 is bloody hard grafting.

Flowers
Mymessymind · 21/05/2019 08:38

I don’t tell anyone about the benefits I receive and no one would ask.

BonnesVacances · 21/05/2019 08:38

No judging from me. This is precisely what the welfare system is for, so tell your friend to STFU for making you feel shit about it. Hmm We are in a similar position (ie left job and claiming due to medical & care needs) and I'm really open that we're now claiming benefits, to try to break down the stigma of it.

Presumably you already get DLA for DC which is the prerequisite for CA. You can also earn £120 after tax without losing your CA so maybe you can take on a bit of work from home to top up your monthly income. Good luck!

x2boys · 21/05/2019 08:39

I did the the same I have one child with complex disabilities ,(and one without) it's exhausting and frankly I don't know how people with children with severe disabilities can have both parents workings the appointments, etc,my child is nine there is no way I could leave him with a childminder ,and I'm not sure i could trust anyone ,just make sure you get advice about what you will get in benefits,it can take a while to get into place .

CarefullyAirbrushedPotato · 21/05/2019 08:39

Far from judging I'd be glad to know the tax our family pay is going to support a family who needs it rather than buying posh cushions for feckless politicians.

Do what you need to for your own family and situation. Don't pay any attention to the naysayers, this is what a welfare state is for.

CuntForThisOne · 21/05/2019 08:43

I'm Mrs Judgy, but you need this, OP. It's precisely the sort of situation in which benefits are completely deserved.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 21/05/2019 08:44

Not at all.

If in being honest I do judge the 'I deserve to spend time with my kids' reasons for not working and claiming benefits as I dont think it should be a positive choice

But that clearly doesn't apply to you - you are getting no help from anyone with your child and clearly can't go on like this. I am perfectly fine with people claiming benefits to help their disabled family and think the state doesn't do enough to help. I think its disgraceful how little help is available to help disabled people in the UK and do think we should pay more tax for stuff like this. Your friend is being a dick.

Mrsjayy · 21/05/2019 08:45

You have enough to be getting on with than worry what others think of you or your circumstances just make sure everything is in place with benefits before you leave work.

x2boys · 21/05/2019 08:46

Beth,no.As long as you are caring for someone who gets medium or high rate DLA then there is no requirement to work, s person can earn a little over a £100/week and still get carer,s allowance if they wish, but they don't need to be looking for work .

TeddiesAreTakingOver · 21/05/2019 08:46

This is pretty similar to my situation and I can’t say I’ve ever felt judged. Other than family and my best friend, nobody knows I’m on benefits, although I’m sure it’s obvious by now I don’t work. I’m a single parent to a teen with autism. He’s home educated due to school refusal. Even when he was last at school, his SN school struggled with him and only had him for a few hours a day. It would be impossible for me to work. His dad doesn’t see him much and never takes him on his own, can’t use childcare for him given his age and needs and can’t leave him alone for several hours every day.

DesperadoDan · 21/05/2019 08:47

No judgement whatsoever here op, my DC has severe learning difficulties (13 and has around 30 clear words, still in pull ups day and night, no chance of ever reading or writing or independent living)
To say it’s hard work is a bloody understatement, I work but only because I have good support and free childcare, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to work, the nearest SN childminder to me is 34 miles away, I couldn’t cope with that everyday, neither could DS.
Claim benefits and have a rest, you deserve it! Flowers

NettleTea · 21/05/2019 08:47

absolutely not.
I have 2 kids, one on high rate PIP, one on middle rate DLA and benefits are exactly designed to help those in need - and that includes a parent who needs to be there for kids with additional needs.

Everythingsbeentaken · 21/05/2019 08:48

I agree with everyone saying no of course it would be fine, the only other thing you may want to consider though is your career. You can earn up to £100 ish a week minus quite a few things eg childcare, pension contributions (CA will let you know the list). If you can find something related to your career and very part time, so your earnings are under that limit, it would help you keep a foot in the door for when you do feel you can go back, without having to start at the bottom. It's a good fall back for if your marriage were to break down ( and I'm not saying it will, just from personal experience Sad - having a disabled child puts a massive strain on your marriage). My other advice is have time together as a couple, the Carers services in your area should be able to give you advice on respite care and there are payments for this too. If your mental and physical health are suffering, then that is reason enough to give up work/ reduce hours, your friends just don't understand how much harder it is to look after a child with disabilities. Could they babysit?!! Looking after yourself is essential for being able to properly care for your child.

SaskiaRembrandt · 21/05/2019 08:49

I wouldn't judge, this is what the welfare state was set up to do. I'm astonished you've managed to keep going for so long, and it sounds as though if you have to do it for much longer your own health will completely break down.