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Original poster

To want to throw DS 18 out to give him a shock

345 replies

Comeonsun · 20/05/2019 21:12

DS 18 has everything going for him so why is he so rude and nasty? He has a great apprenticeship- still in college for the first year and seems to be enjoying it (is sullen and won’t speak most of the time so I don’t know the real ins and out of it). He earns over 1k a month, drives a beautiful car (he pays for it) but we paid for lessons and first year insurance. He pays us £50 a month ‘rent’. That’s too much apparently- he’s disgusted that as he’s in ‘full time education’ we are taking something towards his food / elec/ gas etc.

He has a double room, huge widescreen telly (Xmas present from us) Xbox etc. Access to fridge, food, all washing done, room cleaned, ironing etc.

He so bloody rude though! Condescending attitude, would rather grunt than talk and is breathtakingly cutting and basically vile. Only ever happy if he’s having something new from us and even then the happiness lasts 5 minutes before he’s back to being a pig.

His room needs a new window and desperately needs decorating and new carpet. I’ve just passed him on the landing and said we plan to give him a few weeks notice of upheaval (we’ll need to empty his room for a few days so it will mean needing help to move furniture etc.

He’s point blank refused to have the work done and just ordered me out of his room! He says I’m wasting my money as he doesn’t want it redecorated. It’s my bloody house and it needs doing! Why should I let a room go to wrack and ruin just because he says so?

I’ve explained that if he was renting somewhere a landlord can come in and do works and that when he owns his own place he can decide if something needs doing or not.

He’s told me not to waste my breath as he’s not listening - I’ve never been so close to slapping him to be honest. I feel like chucking the cheeky, insolent sod out .

He’s upstairs now shouting away playing on the Xbox, tell me if I’m being unreasonable as I’m about to throw the swine out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Comeonsun · 20/05/2019 22:36

His apprenticeship is very good - they pay a salary even though his first year is spent full time in college (holidays are spent in the workplace)

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 20/05/2019 22:38

If he's adult enough to make decisions about the structure and safety of your home then he's adult enough to do all of his own washing, buy his own food, cook his meals.

Instead of kicking him out - try what my mum did - she told my brother she wouldn't even charge him rent for three months (as it was a paltry amount like your DS pays ) but in return he will be doing all of the above for himself during that three months.

Tell him that when those three months pass, you can both sit down as adults and agree a plan forward as to him staying / going. By then he'll realise it's a fucking sweet deal he's getting!

Worked for my brother especially when my mum was transparent about her own finances because he could see what a DICK he was being. And also noting comparative rents in the area etc. On paper, talking about it together. WiFi turned off until he will sit and discuss. Too often even 18 year olds assume there's a magic money pot parents have access too.

Tough love time OP. Totally get it's too big a thing for you to kick him out immediately but there are other ways to better the situation and give him a chance to grow so he's had fair warning (even though it shouldn't be necessary - he really is being a brat!!) before / if you do ask him to leave.

TriciaH87 · 20/05/2019 22:38

As soon as I was working part time and at college I paid 25 a week. Once I finished college it was 50 a week. If I had been on a grand whilst at college it would have been 50 per week. Tell him he has a couple choices. He moves out, he ays his way, or you will provide him with basic food which will be the cheapest food you find no Internet not coving his insurance etc no washing etc. Bet he soon stops complaining when he learns the expense if he does move out

HomemadeGranola · 20/05/2019 22:38

Sounds similar to my parents. I was the eldest. On my own,moved out young and bought a property.. Younger one is still at home

SignedUpJust4This · 20/05/2019 22:39

Boy brains don't mature until 26/27 apparently. I don't think he missed the terrible teens I think he's just beginning. He sounds like a selfish prat but please don't kick him out. My friend's parents did this and the damage to their relationship is irreparable.

Imagine you have forced him to move out, only he has moved into your rented flat and you are his landlord. Treat him as such. Minimal furniture, no washing/cooking. If he leaves a mess in kitchen fine him. If he refused to pay take something of his. Up his rent to an uncomfortable amount. Clear boundaries and expectations but at the same time stop nagging and take an interest in him and what he likes. Maybe try gaming with him? Ask about his job/training. This phase will pass and he will realise what a dick he was and how much you must love him.

Knackeredmommy · 20/05/2019 22:39

You're not doing him any favours doing everything for him, how will he learn? Maybe start handing over responsibility before kicking him out? But I'd be giving him notice if he doesn't fix up sharpish and as for the repairs, you've given him the courtesy of informing him. If he comes back home to glaziers in his bedroom, tough!

IronManisnotDead · 20/05/2019 22:40

Well for a start why are you still cleaning his room, washing and ironing his clothes? My DS is 18 just finishing his A Levels and is a typical 18 year old, but even he still cleans his own room etc.

I think you need to make it perfectly clear who house he lives in. Your rules only, if he does not like it then show him the way out. I do agree about giving him a shock, your DS sounds like an ungrateful rude boy.

ThatCurlyGirl · 20/05/2019 22:40

Also what @kmammamalto

Just because it's no bother for you to do all his washing and ironing and cleaning doesn't mean you should do it!!! It's a life skill. He needs to be left to do it himself. It's disgusting he's being so disrespectful. He's more than old enough to know better.

So true. And if it's not addressed he'll act the same way in a relationship or marriage. You have a chance to help him become a lovely bloke who takes responsibility and can have a great happy teamwork style relationship. If nothing changes now he'll just take that entitled attitude from his room at yours into one in at a partners.

ThatCurlyGirl · 20/05/2019 22:41

what @kmammamalto* said

Left out a word there!

IronManisnotDead · 20/05/2019 22:41

@Thadeus
This^^

Unplug the WIFI and do not switch it back on.

jelly79 · 20/05/2019 22:42

I agree that contributing to the house when being paid is acceptable. His behaviour is not but I think you are enabling this by treating him like a baby but expecting him to be an adult. Lay some ground rules and expectations and stop doing everything for him. I hope it works out because it sounds a pretty tough place to be if he is treating you like that!

WiFi would be the first to go ;)

Hecateh · 20/05/2019 22:42

spoilt brat - no sympathy

SarfE4sticated · 20/05/2019 22:43

i don't think you should throw him out, but finding out why he is being such an arse would be a start. Is he getting bullied at work do you think? Has he always been a bit like this, or are you surprised by his behaviour. Can you go into his room and take the fuse out of his telly, that way he has to interact with you "oh no it's broken" make it non-confrontational if you can. I see so many rough sleepers that it would be awful if that happened to him because of pride and a row. You could reasonably say "you seem so unhappy here, why don't you try to find a place of your own"?
I'm sorry OP, you sound justifiably upset and angry and hurt, I would be too, but try to find out calmly what's going on. Can someone else speak to him? Good luck!

MaybeitsMaybelline · 20/05/2019 22:43

My mil did this with DH many years ago. He was 18 and had to move into lodgings in the next town and pay his own rent and eat what the somewhat grubby landlady cooked. The other lodgers were young adults from difficult backgrounds.

He lasted two days and begged his mother to let him back. She did eventually and he kept his mouth shut until he was 22 and chose to move out.

We still laugh at it.

LoafofSellotape · 20/05/2019 22:44

I wouldn't throw him out BUT he'd be doing his own washing for starters and he'd be paying more towards food.

Wrt to his room, WiFi off that -should focus him! Don't listen to any back chat, just laugh or ignore him like you would a naughty toddler.

Realistically he can't afford to move out so don't threaten to throw him out but stop making life so easy for him.

zsazsajuju · 20/05/2019 22:45

He doesn’t sound that bad. He’s a bit rude, yes, but he does pay and it’s his home too (depending on area of country 50 a week could be pretty reasonable for a room). He is only 18, would you really throw him out? Seems a bit extreme

Doyouavocado · 20/05/2019 22:48

Why on earth are you cleaning his room and doing his ironing? He isn’t a baby, what is that teaching him? Would he expect his girlfriend to do that when he eventually moves out in the future?

IronManisnotDead · 20/05/2019 22:48

@Hithere12 oh do jog on HmmBiscuit

Butterymuffin · 20/05/2019 22:49

He may prefer not to eat with you, but he won't prefer having to do his own washing and cleaning.Stop all that right now and stop buying any food items only he likes that you get in just for him. Change the Wi-Fi password. There's a lot you can do to adjust his attitude without going straight to chucking him out.

Csleeptime · 20/05/2019 22:51

Are there any other issues here? Ie the company he keeps if it is his friends telling him things are so unreasonable. Or has he got girlfriend issues you don't know about putting him in a foul mood. Diet issues if he is living off fast food as he eats out all the time and not getting any exercise.

I think it's quite simple, it's your house and your rules. Tell him the rules and that's it, they are not negotiable and that's final. Decide everything you want before you start and be really clear.

Adult yes, but 18 is still a child with so much to learn in most ways, yet you think you know everything at that age and are invincible, but your family are out to make life miserable. Joys of hormonal teenagers.

Boundaries will go a long way here. He wants to be a grown up so start treating him like one! He will learn. And every time he is disrespectful to you there must be a consequence, e.g. Xbox goes for a week or tv etc. He still lives in YOUR house and YOU are the parent. Act like it.

Mummoomoocow · 20/05/2019 22:57

May I ask a sincere question OP? I know you dearly love your son and want him to treat you better. Could you share why you are hesitant to kick him out?

IMO he hasn’t done anything bad enough and those in this thread advising you to should be ashamed. You can’t punish bad behaviour with rejection and abandonment, who cares he’s 18. He’s clearly behaving younger so how could he be ready to leave your supportive nest? Wouldn’t you want to prepare him to leave, quickly of course, to rectify these bad behaviours instilled in him?

Waterandlemonjuice · 20/05/2019 22:58

well said, I do agree.

IronManisnotDead · 20/05/2019 23:04

@Hithere12 go start your own thread, you and your big chip on your shoulder.

AlexaAmbidextra · 20/05/2019 23:07

I think you could have a polite, respectful conversation

The trouble is, you can only have a polite, respectful conversation if the person you’re conversing with is polite and respectful in return.

SarfE4sticated · 20/05/2019 23:08

I wonder if he has been living a bit high on the hog and maybe owes money and that's why he's so pissy all the time? I think something else is going on too.