To want to throw DS 18 out to give him a shock

[Comeonsun]

DS 18 has everything going for him so why is he so rude and nasty? He has a great apprenticeship- still in college for the first year and seems to be enjoying it (is sullen and won’t speak most of the time so I don’t know the real ins and out of it). He earns over 1k a month, drives a beautiful car (he pays for it) but we paid for lessons and first year insurance. He pays us £50 a month ‘rent’. That’s too much apparently- he’s disgusted that as he’s in ‘full time education’ we are taking something towards his food / elec/ gas etc.

He has a double room, huge widescreen telly (Xmas present from us) Xbox etc. Access to fridge, food, all washing done, room cleaned, ironing etc.

He so bloody rude though! Condescending attitude, would rather grunt than talk and is breathtakingly cutting and basically vile. Only ever happy if he’s having something new from us and even then the happiness lasts 5 minutes before he’s back to being a pig.

His room needs a new window and desperately needs decorating and new carpet. I’ve just passed him on the landing and said we plan to give him a few weeks notice of upheaval (we’ll need to empty his room for a few days so it will mean needing help to move furniture etc.

He’s point blank refused to have the work done and just ordered me out of his room! He says I’m wasting my money as he doesn’t want it redecorated. It’s my bloody house and it needs doing! Why should I let a room go to wrack and ruin just because he says so?

I’ve explained that if he was renting somewhere a landlord can come in and do works and that when he owns his own place he can decide if something needs doing or not.

He’s told me not to waste my breath as he’s not listening - I’ve never been so close to slapping him to be honest. I feel like chucking the cheeky, insolent sod out .

He’s upstairs now shouting away playing on the Xbox, tell me if I’m being unreasonable as I’m about to throw the swine out.

Step one - arrange for somebody to come and sort out the window. Double-glazing fitters will just tread over his belongings on the floor, shove his other stuff out of the way and get on with the job, totally ignore his protests (and I bet he won't protest in front of them anyway).

Step two - book kennels for the dog while you are on holiday.

Step three - resolutely ignore all rudeness and bad behaviour as best you can, give him a list of what his £50 a month covers: % of electric, heat, broadband, rates etc and tell him that if he wants anything else doing then he will either have to pay more rent or do it himself.

The trouble is, you can only have a polite, respectful conversation if the person you’re conversing with is polite and respectful in return

Indeed. Some of the advice here is a bit more suited to dealing with an 8 year old rather than a belligerent 18 year old!

the best thing I did with both my kids was learn to close the door of their bedrooms

as they didn't mess up the rest of the house we were pretty relaxed about the state of their rooms

Two wrongs don’t make a right though. I always think polite and respectful are worth trying. This is the OP’s child, not a random stranger. OP, I know there are only a few of us saying please don’t throw him out but I hope you find a way to resolve this. Wishing you the best of luck.

OP, you're enabling him, you've raised a monster. I know this because I did the same. My daughter was a NIGHTMARE. The only excuse I have is that in her formative teen years I went through the most horrific divorce that consumed everything, I had a toddler and our entire lives were turned upside down.

She treated me like shit and I put up with it, and apologised for being her mother, allowed her to trash her bedroom, treat me like a cook, cleaner and taxi 24/7, so the behaviour you describe was much the same for me.

Then something amazing happened! She went to uni and moved into halls. I can't even begin to explain what some independence and having to stand on her own two feet has done for her. She's delightful. I love having her at home now during the holidays. She is a much nicer person. I think she appreciates how much I had to do to keep everything going on my own and the time apart has really brought us closer together. She left when she was 19 and has now chosen to live away for the rest of her degree because it's good for her and it's good for me and she likes standing on her own two feet.

I realise your situation is different in that your DS is living at home while he studies/works, but I would suggest that the time has come to sit down with him with your DH and tell him that if he unable to respect his home and pull his weight, he's going to have to go. I wouldn't charge my DD rent if she was here currently because she's a student and has a part time job, however, if she ever moved back, she would have to contribute properly and I don't think your DS is paying enough frankly. I do this some independence does them some good and to be honest, if I could have left home at 18, I would have done, not because I was unhappy but because I wanted to have my own life but my parents had rules and I had to stick by them (and pay rent!). You need to toughen up.

How on earth do you justify raising this boy to 18 without teaching him normal life skills like budgeting, housework and basic manners?

There are a million ways to start including these things in their weekly routines from the age of 3. You put the effort in so that you fulfill the prime directive of parenting- to raise decent, independent members of society. Doing all this stuff ‘for him’, is actually crippling his independence and holding him back from future success.

How does this make you ‘nice’?

How on earth do you justify raising this boy to 18 without teaching him normal life skills like budgeting, housework and basic manners?
Tbh I brought my ds up with beautiful manners but these days he's doing a great impression of Kevin!

His attitude towards us became increasingly bad once we started to expect him to knuckle down (schoolwork, deciding on career / uni / job or apprenticeship).

Because you let him get to his teens without having learned to lift a finger. Why is he 18 and needing to be shown how to use the washing machine and dishwasher?

Give him until your holiday to find somewhere else to live. Take away his key or change the locks before you go. For the love of God get a dog-sitter.

Give him until your holiday to find somewhere else to live. Take away his key or change the locks before you go. For the love of God get a dog-sitter

Don't be so dramatic! He earns £1k a month where do you think he's going to live on that,have you seen the price of rents? He doesn't need kicking out,he needs to be more independent at home. Jesus,if I locked my ds out at 18 for being a bit gobby and lazy I wouldn't expect any kind of relationship with him after that.

Can you please say the dog is going to be looked after somewhere else. I couldn’t give a damn about your son, but I do care about an innocent dog left behind.

Don’t call it ‘Rent’; it’s his contribution towards his living expenses. Same as every other earning member of the household has to contribute.
Calling it ‘rent’ tells him he owns his room and can do as he pleases as he’s buying a service from you.

there is a middle ground between molly coddling him and throwing him out

tell him that you love him and you're very proud of him for getting a well paid apprenticeship and buying his own car. Then tell him that whether he likes it or not you will be getting his room done. Then tell him that you're not going to be doing so much washing, ironing and cooking and he'll have to do it some of it himself. If he rants and raves about it just let him do so then just walk away and leave him to play his xbox.

I'm still stuck on him having to go on holiday with you when he was 17!!

Get the window done. Stop doing washing, ironing, cooking, shopping or cleaning.
Change the WiFi code.

But I wouldn't be leaving him at home (with or without the dog) when you go away. Wouldn't trust him.

I say this kindly, but you're allowing him to do it. If you want to replace windows in your home, do so. You don't need his permission, any more than a landlord needs permission to carry out maintenance.

He should be paying far more rent- at least £200. And even then, he has to pull his weight. Yes he'll complain for a few weeks but turn a deaf ear-he'll get used to it.

I had some difficulty-nothing as bad as this-with DD at 18. It helped to keep pointing out that she was welcomed find a rental if she thought it more suitable, and it helped to hear her other friends stories about their flatmates. Everyone has to take their co-inhabitants into account!

@zsazsajuju he pays £50p/m not a week

He earns £1k a month where do you think he's going to live on that,have you seen the price of rents?

Plenty of people have had to scrape by before. He's more than 'a bit gobby and lazy', he's deliberately obstructive and verbally abusive.

Have you ever thought that he has an actual problem? Medically.

I'm still stuck on him having to go on holiday with you when he was 17!!

where does it say he had to go. All OP said was he made the holiday a misery. Not that he had to go.

@Waterandlemonjuice he is not a child, he is 18 years old and a bloody rude nasty arrogant spoilt one at that.

I work with Police Officers the same age as him, and I can assure you OP son needs a reality check. Would he behave in such a belligerent manner towards his work colleagues? No of course not!

OP is teaching him nothing about living in the real world. I would hate to think in a few years time he treats his own partners with such contempt/abuse.

She has tried to talk to him, he continually is horrible to her. About time she asserted her authority and meant it.

He probably needs to move out. It's part of growing up. Don't throw him out but you and DH need to put him on notice. He should have a place of his own by the start of next term. Pay rent etc. You and DH can help him find somewhere if he wants, or he can find his own studenty boy pit. When he's away you can redecorate his room.

And if he really wants to stay at home then it has to be conditional on him acting like an adult. Doing his own laundry and cleaning. Taking his turn to shop and cook and wash dishes (or load the dishwasher). Contributing to the bills if you like (some parents put the money aside and return it later as a house deposit) The state of his own room is up to him.

We run a pretty organised household between me and DH so it’s no bother to do his laundry and cook food

You are doing him a disservice. Those jobs are also part of growing up. Even if him doing his share messes up your tidy arrangements you still need to make him do it, and pretend to appreciate his efforts (even if he cooks horrible studenty food while he's learning) He's acting spoilt because you have been babying him.

We run a pretty organised household between me and DH so it’s no bother to do his laundry and cook food

I think your attitude is worst than his!!

Ok so he’s being horrible and that is not ok. But that’s not the only thing going on here. He’s 18, that’s still pretty young, and you’re sending him mixed signals. Yes he earns £1k a month but that doesn’t go far, it’s hardly a living wage. You charge him money towards household stuff (telling him your relationship is on an adult to adult basis), but then you do his laundry for him like he’s a little kid. You’re insisting on redecorating his room when he doesn’t want it done? That’s extremely passive aggressive. (If you were his landlord you’d have the right to enter for somethings, but not usually to redecorate, that’s done when a tenant moves out. The room needs doing in your view, not in his.)

Frankly, sounds like you are doing his head in and, being a male teenager, he’s dealing with it very badly.

I’d have been very upset if my parents had charged me money to live at home in that weird time before I had a proper job. I think he should be pitching in with the household jobs and shopping etc, but asking for money is just putting the relationship on a weird footing.

Sounds like you need to sort out your relationship and spend some quality time being nice to each other. Which may be really hard to make happen as you’re both obviously hurt and angry. You feel unappreciated, he feels confused and harassed. You want him to behave like an adult? Then have an adult conversation with him about how you can get on better. Threats are for toddlers.

I certainly wouldn't throw him out .......yet. I would sit him down and tell him that in future he is going to be keeping his own room clean and doing his own washing and ironing. You will probably need to show him what to do. It is absolutely your fault that he doesn't do this already. You haven"t done him any favours by not giving him chores to do whilst growing up and preparing him for the real world so you need to start now.

I don't think he needs to do his own cooking as some have suggested although maybe it would help him later on if you teach him how to cook some basic dishes.

How was the sum of £50 per month rent arrived at? That is ridiculously low and needs to be increased.

Problem you have is that implementing these changes in one go will possibly my make your DC want to leave/leave as he will view them as unfair. He may well go NC and feel uncared for...again your fault because you haven't prepared him gradually.

Sounds like it's time for him to fly the nest. Be reasonable about it, give him a month. Help him (if he asks for help politely...) But above all else make sure you stick to his move out date. Do not waver on this. If he hasn't bothered to find somewhere in the month that's tough titties. He needs to learn some life lessons now, before he grows into a horrible adult and it's too late to change him.

In shock when I realised that he pays £50 a month! Tbought it was weekly !
I do understand .The transition from treating him like your teenage son that you are used to looking after, to treating him like an adult is hard. I went through this with both of mine. I sat them down and acknowledged that we are in new territory. Reminded them that no matter where they lived with other people, there were house rules. Act like an reasonable adult and get treated like one.Act like you are still 13, get treated like that - No say in anything in the house.
My daughter rang me up after starting to drive to say that she only appreciated what a pain it must have been to drive her everywhere.
And son appreciated all the work he was spared when his girlfriend insisted he do his chores in their flat.
Hope you get it settled between you.