To want to throw DS 18 out to give him a shock

[Comeonsun]

DS 18 has everything going for him so why is he so rude and nasty? He has a great apprenticeship- still in college for the first year and seems to be enjoying it (is sullen and won’t speak most of the time so I don’t know the real ins and out of it). He earns over 1k a month, drives a beautiful car (he pays for it) but we paid for lessons and first year insurance. He pays us £50 a month ‘rent’. That’s too much apparently- he’s disgusted that as he’s in ‘full time education’ we are taking something towards his food / elec/ gas etc.

He has a double room, huge widescreen telly (Xmas present from us) Xbox etc. Access to fridge, food, all washing done, room cleaned, ironing etc.

He so bloody rude though! Condescending attitude, would rather grunt than talk and is breathtakingly cutting and basically vile. Only ever happy if he’s having something new from us and even then the happiness lasts 5 minutes before he’s back to being a pig.

His room needs a new window and desperately needs decorating and new carpet. I’ve just passed him on the landing and said we plan to give him a few weeks notice of upheaval (we’ll need to empty his room for a few days so it will mean needing help to move furniture etc.

He’s point blank refused to have the work done and just ordered me out of his room! He says I’m wasting my money as he doesn’t want it redecorated. It’s my bloody house and it needs doing! Why should I let a room go to wrack and ruin just because he says so?

I’ve explained that if he was renting somewhere a landlord can come in and do works and that when he owns his own place he can decide if something needs doing or not.

He’s told me not to waste my breath as he’s not listening - I’ve never been so close to slapping him to be honest. I feel like chucking the cheeky, insolent sod out .

He’s upstairs now shouting away playing on the Xbox, tell me if I’m being unreasonable as I’m about to throw the swine out.

The thing is, a stroppy 18 year old male who is being so blatantly disrespectful, clearly feels well beyond being educated, shown the error of his ways, and parented, by his mother. Regardless of where the parents may or may have gone wrong in how they brought their son up (two parents, not one), this is where and what they all are now.

If he is not going to be respectful and non-anti-social, then he may need to learn the down side of adulthood, which is that your parents are no longer required to provide for you and do for you no matter how rude, anti-social and non-contributing you are. You can, in effect, be told to sling your hook, and without notice. Which I'm sure OP wouldn't do. Without notice, that is.

I agree that things do need to change and his attitude towards you is appalling.

I think it may be best to steer him towards a house share or shared flat? Firstly as it will give him a taste of the real world and strangers will certainly not put up with being treated as unpaid servants for him.

Secondly I know lots of people are saying £1K a month is plenty but 12K a year isn't a huge amount and depending on where you live that could get eaten up very quickly by rent, bills his car etc. Like others have said he needs to learn a life lesson but theres no point putting him at risk of debt.

I would (try) to sit down with him and have an honest conversation about how you are feeling. If not write it all down in a letter and see if you get a response. If still no response give him an eviction notice.

I be ashamed if that was my son. Shocking the amount of disrespect he shows to his own mother. There must be more to the story.

What was your DH’s response when your son called you “batshit”, @Comeonsun? My DH would have made dd19 apologise immediately if she was so outrageously disrespectful to me. He’d be furious.

DH has rarely spoken up to reprimand DS, I’ve said many a time that I feel he doesn’t back me up. DH loses all patience if I shout and lose my temper. He did sit calmly and reason with DS whilst I cried and ranted but this is the root of the problem, DH will never openly back me up over anything. He’s got a long history of if I say something is black he’ll immediately argue as to why it’s white.
It’s probably why DS thinks he can also have no respect for me.

It sounds like DH better book that sofa. Or sleep on yours. . .

Far from backing you up, he's actually undermining you.

You made the papers

Comeonsun your dilemma was on the Jeremy vine show this morning.

DH will never openly back me up over anything. He’s got a long history of if I say something is black he’ll immediately argue as to why it’s white. It’s probably why DS thinks he can also have no respect for me.

I think you've identified your actual problem here.

I'd be telling dh he can join ds if he doesn't buck his idea's up and back you up when it comes to your DC.

So this is learned behaviour. 'you have a DH problem'

My eldest 2 DS work and pay me 20% of their wages. I also think that he has learned how to disrespectful from his father. Kick them both out.

Christ another male going into the world thinking he can do fuck all and women are his skivvy. Bad for your daughter to witness this.

I'd be having it out with both dh and ds. Your ds sounds like an entitled shit. Of course he should be able to water the garden, he's 18 ffs.

He just needs to grow up and he does need to move out eventually, but I wouldn’t go so far as to chuck him out.

I remember being an entitled teen and I’m ashamed now looking back. Thing is, when living at home and being looked after is all you’ve known, you are naturally entitled, he’s never known it any other way. As a child you expect to be looked after. His expectations haven’t changed, but other people’s expectations of him HAVE changed due to his age. It’s all new to him though. So he feels hard done by and like it is you who is being unreasonable because it’s your expectations that are changing, not his. He just needs to grow up and realise that being 18 is different to being 15, even though very little has changed in his circumstances.

The problem is that it’s actually easier and more convenient for you to continue to ‘parent him’ and enable his dependancy by cooking cleaning and washing for him, and keeping the house routine going as it always has been, you’re just fed up that he’s not grateful enough.
Unfortunately you can’t really force a person to suddenly be grateful for something they’ve been taking for granted their entire life.

I suggest you sit down with him and have a calm, honest, adult discussion, ideally in the car so he can’t stomp off.
Explain to him your point of view regarding the window and decorating. Ask him for his point of view, and listen. Don’t get defensive or shout him down. Give a considered response. Ask him about his ambitions for independance. Explain what the £50 contribution covers and does not cover.
Don’t judge or criticise or let it turn emotional or into a discussion about your relationship. Keep it a fact-based problem-solving exercise about how you can reconcile his need for independance with household expectations. Make it clear that the discussion is premised on love and a desire to help him to grow into a successful independant young man, not on resentment and the desire to get rid of him. If you can do this then he will engage with you- he is 18 after all and capable of adult thought. You just need to change the dynamic a bit to break this deadlock.

Change the boundaries and take a different viewpoint.

Sit him down explain that you will no longer be doing his housework and laundry etc as he needs to learn life skills for independence. Ask for a greater portion of his money for rent, bills, and food and tell him if he doesn't like it he can choose to live somewhere else. Ignore the bullshit - it comes from a place of insecurity which manifests as control, as in trying to control you through his entitlement and guilt tripping behavior, to keep the status quo. This is because he is fearful of things being different as he is on some level aware of his lack of competence in independent living. Rather than address it, he pushes the responsibility back onto you and you are doing it but resentfully. You will be supporting him best by teaching him what he needs to know, and this is how to stand on his own two feet.

As a child you expect to be looked after. Up to the age of 12. After that, we could all cook, clean, wash clothes, iron, etc. The only things our parents provided was arbitration, clothes and the odd hug.

Just read the full thread thinking: when are we going to get to the bit where the OP admits the issue is that her DH doesn’t support her?

Sorry, OP. You have a DH problem that has turned into an almighty DS problem. Man 1 in your household has taught Man 2 that he doesn’t need to respect you. By not backing you up, DH has given DS licence to think he can walk over you.

OP - just thinking - another time I would post in the teenagers section under parenting.

That way you are more likely to get responses from people who have actually got teenagers (I'm thinking of all the replies from posters saying you are cruel as they can't imagine a time they won't want to do everything for their DC who's currently about 3.)

Even a three year old can put toys away my GS is expected to at nursery.

Secondly I know lots of people are saying £1K a month is plenty but 12K a year isn't a huge amount and depending on where you live that could get eaten up very quickly by rent, bills his car etc. Like others have said he needs to learn a life lesson but theres no point putting him at risk of debt.

It isn't a lot to live independently no, but many many people manage it is what has been said. I'd be worried about him quitting his apprenticeship for something with more pay short term.

PMSL though at 'vulnerable teen', he is a healthy young man with a job who if needs be is perfectly capable of supporting himself. There are men his age in the army, police force etc.

OP its a staged process you lay down the law initially but ultimately if he won't keep to your rules then he needs in the end to find somewhere else to live. I wouldnt necessarily charge him more rent though if he IS saving, not least because then he'll be in a better position if he does eventually have to move out.