To want to throw DS 18 out to give him a shock

[Comeonsun]

DS 18 has everything going for him so why is he so rude and nasty? He has a great apprenticeship- still in college for the first year and seems to be enjoying it (is sullen and won’t speak most of the time so I don’t know the real ins and out of it). He earns over 1k a month, drives a beautiful car (he pays for it) but we paid for lessons and first year insurance. He pays us £50 a month ‘rent’. That’s too much apparently- he’s disgusted that as he’s in ‘full time education’ we are taking something towards his food / elec/ gas etc.

He has a double room, huge widescreen telly (Xmas present from us) Xbox etc. Access to fridge, food, all washing done, room cleaned, ironing etc.

He so bloody rude though! Condescending attitude, would rather grunt than talk and is breathtakingly cutting and basically vile. Only ever happy if he’s having something new from us and even then the happiness lasts 5 minutes before he’s back to being a pig.

His room needs a new window and desperately needs decorating and new carpet. I’ve just passed him on the landing and said we plan to give him a few weeks notice of upheaval (we’ll need to empty his room for a few days so it will mean needing help to move furniture etc.

He’s point blank refused to have the work done and just ordered me out of his room! He says I’m wasting my money as he doesn’t want it redecorated. It’s my bloody house and it needs doing! Why should I let a room go to wrack and ruin just because he says so?

I’ve explained that if he was renting somewhere a landlord can come in and do works and that when he owns his own place he can decide if something needs doing or not.

He’s told me not to waste my breath as he’s not listening - I’ve never been so close to slapping him to be honest. I feel like chucking the cheeky, insolent sod out .

He’s upstairs now shouting away playing on the Xbox, tell me if I’m being unreasonable as I’m about to throw the swine out.

[AlexaAmbidextra]

OP. Please put the dog in kennels when you go away. You know he’ll let the poor thing starve.

[canyoufeedthedog]

Sown*

[Orangeballon]

Change the locks next time he goes out.

[pallisers]

He’s your kid. He did not ASK to be born. If his behaviour is so bad I’m guessing he didn’t grow up in the most nurturing, loving environment. Why don’t you try and actually HELP YOUR child first? Take him to councilling?

Ha ha ha. Have you ever met a teenager?? Yeah all of the ones who are shits its their mother's fault of course. And taking him to concilling (sic) - have YOU ever tried to take a disdainful, entitled, rude adult male anywhere he didn't want to go?

OP, you are very indulgent of him on one level. When he says he isn't having the decorating done just say "don't be ridiculous that is my decision - not yours". With regard to the dog, tell him you need him to move out for the 2 weeks of the holiday as you are having someone move in to mind the dog he doesn't give a shit about.

I wouldn't throw him out but I would sit him down and say kindly "this really isn't working is it? You are unbearably rude to us and clearly hate living here. We also hate the way you behave in our home - and it is OUR home. Have you thought where else do you think you could live that would suit you better?" give him a fucking fright and make him realise that his parent's house isn't a given once he becomes an obnoxious adult.

[miaCara]

As with toddlers you need firmness and consistency when dealing with teenagers. Both parents need to be singing from the same hymn sheet and have the same idea of what is considered poor behaviour and also how to deal with it.
So you need to have a good conversation with your DH about your house rules and then start a campaign of rule imposition.
Decide what is happening and then do it. You dont have to throw in out at the start - you are reclaiming your house. The one you are paying for .If he wants to continue staying there he must contribute in whatever ways you deem necessary and appropriate for your family.
Failure to do so means - sadly- that he must go and live somewhere else. He can choose where but he must go.

[Ikeepbuyinganimals]

At his age, earning £600 a month on an apprenticeship, I paid £30 a week 'rent'. Wasn't too long ago. If he can't have respect for you as a member of the household and the family, thereby earning his mates rates rent, whack his rent up to a more realistic rate!

[ImNotHappyaboutitPauline]

He's spoiled and entitled and he needs to either change or find somewhere else to live. If by "kick him out" you mean telling him to pack his stuff and leave without anywhere to go to I'd say no. I would however decide with DH what you expect of him (in terms of behaviour, interaction with the rest of the household, financial contribution and responsibilities round the house) and then tell him that this is what's required otherwise the living situation is no longer tenable and he needs to leave by X date. But you have to mean it!

It's not an easy thing to do and you may well regret it but on the other hand it might be the shock he needs to grow up. My parents did it with one of my brothers. My mother in particular reached the end of her tether and it was a case of him moving our or her! It worked and Db admits as much now. He was very angry for months afterwards but he did find himself a place to live, started taking his job seriously (well he needed the money for rent and bills now, not optional stuff like new clothes and nights out ). He's said in the years since that they were absolutely right to do it and acknowledges how much misery he'd caused them. They're actually very close now.

It's very easy for people to say they could never do it but often they are people who can't imagine their child could ever cause such stress and misery for the rest of the family who have to live in this environment day in day out. You certainly wouldn't encourage him to put up with this from a partner and you'd be appalled if he treated a partner this way. Well, you and DH are people as well as parents and you deserve better than this.

[ShawshanksRedemption]

OP, why do you think he's being rude and sullen? Do you think it's the Xbox? If so, you could cut the wifi access or at least put a timer/limiter on it - you pay the bill after all so you can call the shots. And you can tell him why too, that his attitude towards you isn't acceptable due to the Xbox addiction.

If you think it's something else, do you know what it could be? Whatever the reason, respect towards you as the bill payer and his parent should be forthcoming.

PS Don't pay for his 2nd year car insurance....at £1k take-home he can pay that himself! I'd also do a spreadsheet/bill showing breakdown of costs for living at home just so he has some idea of the cost of living for when he does move out.

[kateandme]

im not to jump on the mental health train but...his behaviour and then fuled by your comment about his room was a red flag ive heard discused before. them not wanting you to 'change' there room or routine or get access to their safe space.it can spread wild fear through someone with trouble mental health.

[justasking111]

Well I would stop, washing, cooking, the wifi would be removed. We had a bit of grief with 17 year old A level revision. So turned the wifi off. which inconvenienced us. So removed controllers, headphones and hid them. Took a few days but he cracked. He is off to uni. in September so we are cooking, cleaning bathrooms, using washing machine etc. to make sure he will cope with all that at uni.

[Itsnotme123]

If you brutally throw him out, be prepared for him to never want to see you again.

I would talk to him and give him an ultimatum, either buck up or move out. If all fails take his door off his room and stop doing his washing and food.

[AtSea1979]

Refused to let you show him how to use the dishwasher and washing machine

Sorry OP but it’s quite clear what the issue is here. You’re raised a spoilt brat. Most kids know how to use a washing machine and dish washer by about 10 years old. Christ my DS was about 3 when he used to help me separate the whites etc and load the washer and help press the buttons. Why on earth are you suddenly showing him at 18?
You’ve spoilt him all his life and now you want to throw him out. He’s in for a shock when you have clearly taught him no life skills whatsoever. He’s no clue about budgeting or anything. What exactly where you doing when the rest of us were raising our DC to be functioning adults?
Please at least start thinking about DD and how you can make sure she can fend for herself before she becomes an adult.

[Waterandlemonjuice]

Blimey, it’s like rabid dogs on this thread! I agree with this:

“He's a teenager going through the hormonal stage with bells on.
Do not throw him out but steer him through it.
Don't nag him , don't bite at his moods , don't be sarcastic etc.
Then hopefully you'll still have a relationship at the other end.”

to all the ‘throw him out’ posters, do you actually have teenagers? They don’t suddenly become lovely responsible adults at 18, their brains aren’t even completely finished yet.

OP, whilst it does sound trying, he’s your son. He is doing an apprenticeship. He is getting up and going to work. He doesn’t have a drug habit or steal from you. I think you could have a polite, respectful conversation and spell out what you need from him.

FWIW I don’t (and wouldn’t) charge my adult child rent.

Good luck. He’s probably upset and really doesn’t want to fight but with you but it can be scary turning into an adult. And actually, do you gave to do his room? You don’t and it sounds as if it’s turned into a power struggle.

[wasgoingmadinthecountry]

Your household sounds a bit scary to me. You and dh do all the laundry? Why not the kids? You tidy his room? Why? He's struggling with moving from being a looked after child to being a young adult in quite a stifling environment. OK, he's being an utter arse but he's young. It's really hard for him to suddenly move from adult to child. You'll get over it. I think you're also wanting it both ways over the decorating. Wait till he moves out properly.

Have a proper talk with him. I've taken to WhatsApping dd3 to avoid confrontation over her room. By the time she speaks to me about it, she knows I'm right!!

[Waterandlemonjuice]

Ps I completely understand wanting to throw him out, I just don’t think it’s the right thing to do and it won’t solve anything.

[Hotterthanahotthing]

Another saying stop doing things for him.
Sort the window and then if you can bear it don't going into his room to clean,do washing only to retrieve mouldy cups.
Put the dog I kennels,make sure the fridge is empty(after 2weeks he will have a better idea of the cost of food),take the modem on holiday too it sounds like it needs a rest.

[bringbacksideburns]

Ignore the bloody idiot on this thread with their own agenda.

I have an 18 year old son
He doesn't have half of what your son has. He has dyspraxia and is studying at the moment. He often asks if I can show him how to do things in the house to help for when he hopefully goes away to Uni.

He's not perfect by any means, can drive me mad and his room can be a mess but usually if I explain quietly to him that I work all week and am tired and don't want to spend my time picking up his clothes off the floor, he'll lend a hand and he is reasonable.

You have spoilt your lad basically. He has no reason to be so rude. Are you and your partner on the same page as each other with this as it seems a sit down chat with him is long overdue?

You need to lay down ground rules and up his rent. If he doesn't like it and continues to be rude tell him you want him out.

Stop waiting hand and foot on him and tell him he does his own laundry until he gets a civil tongue in his head.

Why are you letting him walk all over you all?

[Comeonsun]

The fact that he pays rent seems to make him think he’s paying for a service. That he can come and go at all times of the day and night. His attitude was that he’s paying the £50 for his room so he can do whatever he likes in it and if he doesn’t want it decorated then he doesn’t have to. He feels he owns the room.
The paying of rent seems to have given him an entitlement. He doesn’t share a lot of family meals with us, he prefers to eat out with his friends or grab fast food so he doesn’t see what he’s paying for. None of his friends pay anything as they are in full time education. Because his first yr is in college full time he thinks the same. His friends are appalled that we charge him rent!

[LaurieFairyCake]

Obviously kick him out

Please take the dog on holiday. He won't feed or walk it and I don't want you to return to a dead dog

[Whisky2014]

@Hithere12 you're very dramatic.

Teens who refuse to change, don't want to be told what to do are the ones who go NC. Plead to all and sundry about how badly they were treated. When it's actually normal to want respect in your house.
They want to blame any failings on their parents, don't take any responsibility for themselves and can never admit they are wrong.

God my parents left me when they decided to go live abroad for years. I was 15! I stayed with grandparents for my last year at school and then I moved to the city.
Ops kid doesn't know how cushty he has it AND speaks to her like shit and shows contempt. He's just a spoilt brat. No o e is saying to throw him out brutally...which is what you seem to expect this to be like. No. OP should lay the cards out and give him a choice. If he can't respect her and their home, it's his choice to be like that and should go.

[GabsAlot]

Hes immature and spoilt-stop doing everything how is being organised an excuse for doing everything for an adult

How is he earning 1000 a month if hes in full time college

[Whisky2014]

He feels he owns the room well, tell him otherwise! It's a contribution towards heating, electricity usage, phone and internet usage etc etc

[MumUnderTheMoon]

Reset your WiFi password and don't give him access right now, then cancel the car insurance, his attitude is disgusting. Tell him you are doing these things and he has to change his attitude and contribute more. If this doesn't work, then send him out to find a room to rent. If he refuses to go, pack his bags for him and change the locks

[ImNotHappyaboutitPauline]

He thinks 50 quid a month pays for a service? Ask him how much cooking, cleaning, laundry etc he'd be prepared to do for £50. I can tell you the answer will be none because he knows fine well how far £50 goes ie not very. Don't get caught up in debating this with him, decide what is fair and tell him that's what he's to pay.

[kmammamalto]

Just because it's no bother for you to do all his washing and ironing and cleaning doesn't mean you should do it!!! It's a life skill. He needs to be left to do it himself. It's disgusting he's being so disrespectful. He's more than old enough to know better.