To want to throw DS 18 out to give him a shock

[Comeonsun]

DS 18 has everything going for him so why is he so rude and nasty? He has a great apprenticeship- still in college for the first year and seems to be enjoying it (is sullen and won’t speak most of the time so I don’t know the real ins and out of it). He earns over 1k a month, drives a beautiful car (he pays for it) but we paid for lessons and first year insurance. He pays us £50 a month ‘rent’. That’s too much apparently- he’s disgusted that as he’s in ‘full time education’ we are taking something towards his food / elec/ gas etc.

He has a double room, huge widescreen telly (Xmas present from us) Xbox etc. Access to fridge, food, all washing done, room cleaned, ironing etc.

He so bloody rude though! Condescending attitude, would rather grunt than talk and is breathtakingly cutting and basically vile. Only ever happy if he’s having something new from us and even then the happiness lasts 5 minutes before he’s back to being a pig.

His room needs a new window and desperately needs decorating and new carpet. I’ve just passed him on the landing and said we plan to give him a few weeks notice of upheaval (we’ll need to empty his room for a few days so it will mean needing help to move furniture etc.

He’s point blank refused to have the work done and just ordered me out of his room! He says I’m wasting my money as he doesn’t want it redecorated. It’s my bloody house and it needs doing! Why should I let a room go to wrack and ruin just because he says so?

I’ve explained that if he was renting somewhere a landlord can come in and do works and that when he owns his own place he can decide if something needs doing or not.

He’s told me not to waste my breath as he’s not listening - I’ve never been so close to slapping him to be honest. I feel like chucking the cheeky, insolent sod out .

He’s upstairs now shouting away playing on the Xbox, tell me if I’m being unreasonable as I’m about to throw the swine out.

@LoafofSellotape I am quite realistic. Their wiliness to help has been decreasing exponentially with age. And sometimes it would be just easier to do it myself but I persevere as we will all benefit in the long run. And if they don't comply I start confiscating games until all chores are done if that fails I bring it the big gun that's is changing the wi-fi password for the entire weekend.

Help him find somewhere else to live - maybe suggest that he’s making it clear he’s not enjoying living at home. Stress that your door is open and he’s welcome to come back. Can he house/flat share with someone from college? Remain supportive/helpful. Give it a couple of months and I would bet he’ll be back. If not, you are all happier.

I’d immediately stop doing his washing, cooking his meals etc. Tell him he can buy his own food in and take his washing to the laundrette and still continue to take his £50 (strongly considering asking him for more!) off him as that’s nothing for a room with electricity and WiFi. I was paying £65 a week when I was still at home! And that was over 15 years ago. I earned around £140 a week and had bus fare and other expenses to pay on top of my ‘rent.’ I was expected to pay towards the cable TV every month and on really cold months contributed to the extra heating costs. If I need new clothes, shoes or whatever I was definitely expected to buy them myself and didn’t get much of anything off my parents at that age as they had my younger siblings to support. When I met my then boyfriend and started spending nights out at his house I asked if my rent could be reduced as I was there less often and they bluntly told me no and explained if I rented a house and decided to not be there half the time I’d still be paying 100% of my bills. Your son is being unreasonable and down right ungrateful, he sounds as though he’s come to the conclusion that he’s entitled. He’s earning all that money and complains about giving you £50?! Drop all his privileges and tell him to either pay you more money to get them back and show some respect or leave.

He very spoilt, I’m afraid. Totally takes you for granted. I would up his rent to £300 per month, to give him an idea of what real living costs might be if he were to house share. You could always save a bit of it for him, if he improves his attitude. Please don’t leave the dog with him, poor thing will be neglected, by the sound of it. I actually wouldn’t leave him alone while you’re away, either. It’s your home - can he be trusted with it? Leave the repairs to his room until he moves out. I think you might need to exercise a bit of tough love - he needs to wake up and realise what life is really like.

I've got two 17yo DS, I clamp down pretty hard on them at the first sign of rudeness or insolence. To be fair they are pretty good, but I feel this is only because I've not tolerated anything in the past. YANBU to give him notice and/or withdraw things like internet and cleaning/washing services! I think make it less comfortable for him and tell him you need him gone because he isn't a pleasure to live with. Hopefully that will knock the chips off his shoulders for you.

Stop doing things for him and wow what expensive presents he gets.
Why do you tolerate rudeness, and bad behaviour.

I wouldn't throw him out, you need to educate him. Sit down with him and go through all the expenses with him, encourage him to talk about whats bothering him, it could be something you can help with.

Necessity is mother of invention. He will work out how to wash clothes and feed himself if you don't do it for him (even if it from tesco meal deals).
The more you do for him the less incentive he has to do it himself.
Room needing new window is non negotiable he'll just have to lump it.

OP, Don't trough him out. 18 is not really an adult specially as you described him. Give him a chance but you've got to lay down the law. You are the boss on this situation and he needs to know. It is your house and you give him the rules. He sorts his laundry and his room. Also get him to participate in household chores. Cut the grass, put the rubbish out. List what everyone does and send him via email/WhatsApp if he doesn't want to listen. Just write down from now you are expected to do this: I think putting it in writing helps as it avoid arguments. If he ignores follow up a with a family meeting.

I had one of these. Actually he was worse in some respects. Anyway, can I reassure you that he has improved beyond all measure and I love being with him now?

You have to absolutely refuse to engage with rudeness and have a zero tolerance to it. If and when he is pleasant then you are pleasant too. In terms of the household tasks you won’t conquer this overnight but you can tell him that actually, yes, he is going to learn to use the washing machine because if he can’t use basic machinery then he looks like a twat and will embarrass himself. One step at a time.

It may be that moving out is a good idea at some point soon, it improved our relationship beyond recognition but obviously don’t throw him out. He is probably actually, at some level having a bit of a tough time. New work expectations, maybe girl trouble, low confidence, yada yada. Not that these excuse bad behaviour but he doesn’t sound especially happy.

Make some changes and toughen a little but hang on in there. There’s hope.

He is 18, not 32. Still v young and in full time education -as well as working, which is commendable. Why would he not have full access to the house, and fridge?! I am sorry but that is shocking. So are the advices to “chuck him out”. How shameful and irresponsible you all are...

There has clearly been a severe breakdown of communication but it is for you OP. as his mother, to crack that nut and guide him into adulthood and being more considerate toward his family. But frankly, if your instinct is to chuck him out when facing tough time, you may wish to look in the mirror to understand why he is being difficult with you.

OP where is your DH in this? My father would have been absolutely furious if we had spoken disrespectfully to our mother. Does DH ever do any household chores or does D S get his attitude from his father? Would DS listen to your DH if he set out the house rules or if you spoke to him together presenting a united front? Steel yourself and stop doing his washing and ironing at the very least.

Oooh you sound like my mum talking about my sister, she's 18 and treats their house like a hotel and has been told to leave by September. I was out on my arse at 17, at 22 I'm a renter, at university, with a child and partner doing brilliantly for myself. Don't think I'd be this way if I'd stayed living with my parents! In fact I'm quite sure I'd still the be a nasty, ungrateful piece of work that I was. I had a very charmed childhood with lots of love, nurturing and support. I was just a horrid brat.

@hithere12 I also ended up in a hostel after leaving home. It was humbling, and sorted out my absolutey abhorrent behaviour.

I also have friends for life, one of whom is my DD's godmother and I'm her DD's godmother. And my mum has my DD every weekend and I call her daily! It repaired our relationship, and I finally have a relationship with my dad.

(Not saying kicking him out is the answer but it did me a world of good)

I do think that a solid talking to about how you actually don't have a legal obligation to provide even so much as a roof over his head at this point, so continuing to do so is entirely dependent on him being half way decent to live with could be helpful. He may genuinely not realise that you can, in all honesty, tell him to sling his hook.

And of course, you can also repossess that big screen TV. . .

And you can change the wi-fi password so that he cannot access it.

If you can get that through to him, you might have a chance of getting him to understand that he is just as required to comply with the requests and requirements the house OWNERS make of him now, as an 18 year old, as he was at 8. He can negotiate, certainly.

But if he doesn't want to rub along and do what is requested/required of him - he is very free, with all his monies, to find somewhere else to live. And if he keeps on being rude and aggressive, and attempting to treat people like crap, he may find he is required to.

Yes - you need to start laying down some ground rules. Let him know your expectations and show him the cost of a few bed sits etc so he can see the choice, what it will cost him to move out and do what he wants against the small things you expect from him in order to stay living at home e.g. Respect, picking up after himself etc

I wouldn't bother doing his room up by the way - my DS's room is very tatty but he doesn't treat it well so it will be decorated when he moves out.

You can't leave him in charge of your dog for a fortnight either - you will need to make alternative arrangements for the dog, and possibly your DS depending on whether you feel he is trustworthy in the house alone

Charge him a percentage of all household bills apart from the mortgage, based on how many people live in the house. And insist he does a certain amount of housework. If he isn’t happy with this he can move out.

For goodness sake.

My ds is 5 and can put a load of washing on (and sort colours, darks and whites) and load and put the dishwasher on.

I'd be ashamed if he'd got to 18 and couldn't do basic household chores, that's all on you op.

My ds is 5 and can put a load of washing on (and sort colours, darks and whites) and load and put the dishwasher on.

You know, I've just realised I've gone BACKWARDS in terms of what they can do, and are expected to do (now teens). Thank you for the wake up call!

I had a reality check from my parents when I was about 18-19.

They basically said if I want to carry on living there I needed to pull my weight.

I refused and kicked off, my dad packed my bags and I was like no no no. They let me stay.

But before they did. They changed the WiFi password. Refused to let me eat from there shopping and use there cleaning stuff.

I had to go out pay for washing liquids and food, they set up like a pay by wash and shit to make me realise I was taking the piss which I was at the time.

Made me grow up, made me realise how much they spend and did for Me. So my rent went up. Fair is fair. I respect them for it.

I'm 28 now.... I think it was a reality check I needed.

Don't just threaten him, show him you're serious.

A pay by shit? Brilliant! I’d make a fortune from my DC’s and DP by setting one of those up!

So, basically he wants to be treated like an adult, but with all the privileges and responsibilities of a child. I think the privileges need to be earned back and he needs to be financially responsible for his own car/phone etc.

At 18, I would be expecting him to be sorting his own washing etc, ignore the room it's his squalor. Guess id want to know there wasn't something else causing his attitude (depression/stress) before I came down to heavy. Toughie though. House share with his mates might be the way forward. Good luck xx

@mbosnz talk to me when ds is 16 though

Sounds like you and DH need to have a sit down conversation with him about his attitude and behaviour. If he won’t engage then ask him to find somewhere else to live. The only thing I would say is that a lovely friend lost DS19 to suicide. He sounds angry and resentful, so maybe he should go to counselling if he won’t talk to you or DH. Good luck OP.

I wouldn't throw him out but I would sit him down and say kindly "this really isn't working is it? You are unbearably rude to us and clearly hate living here. We also hate the way you behave in our home - and it is OUR home. Have you thought where else do you think you could live that would suit you better?" give him a fucking fright and make him realise that his parent's house isn't a given once he becomes an obnoxious adult

This is good advice.

I think you need to reset the boundaries although it's not going to be easy. He's not in full time education, if he was he wouldn't be getting £1k a month - he's in an apprenticeship, being paid to learn on the job which is very different.

As for his rudeness, attitude, etc. this is partly because you've let him get away with it instead of clamping down on him the minute it started. You've mollycoddled and mothered him. I get the cooking as it's easier to cook meals for a family of 4 but the washing, etc? I'd stop that immediately. Tell him you're not going to wash his clothes any more, that he can do it himself … and leave them in the washing basket (or when it gets too full dump them in his room). When he runs out of clean things to wear, he'll start washing stuff.

Remember he may legally be an adult but his brain is still maturing. Do some research on the teenage brain and you'll see that they don't really mature until early 20s. So he's sort of at this crossroads, adult body but still stuck at home, probably frustrated that he can't "get on" with life, maybe a bit aimless and not sure about the future, not wanting to go on family holidays, etc.

But I would definitely present a united front with you and your DH over his rudeness to you. Tell him that it has to stop and pull him up every time it happens - treat him as you would a toddler about this until he gets the message. But be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better ...