To want to throw DS 18 out to give him a shock

[Comeonsun]

DS 18 has everything going for him so why is he so rude and nasty? He has a great apprenticeship- still in college for the first year and seems to be enjoying it (is sullen and won’t speak most of the time so I don’t know the real ins and out of it). He earns over 1k a month, drives a beautiful car (he pays for it) but we paid for lessons and first year insurance. He pays us £50 a month ‘rent’. That’s too much apparently- he’s disgusted that as he’s in ‘full time education’ we are taking something towards his food / elec/ gas etc.

He has a double room, huge widescreen telly (Xmas present from us) Xbox etc. Access to fridge, food, all washing done, room cleaned, ironing etc.

He so bloody rude though! Condescending attitude, would rather grunt than talk and is breathtakingly cutting and basically vile. Only ever happy if he’s having something new from us and even then the happiness lasts 5 minutes before he’s back to being a pig.

His room needs a new window and desperately needs decorating and new carpet. I’ve just passed him on the landing and said we plan to give him a few weeks notice of upheaval (we’ll need to empty his room for a few days so it will mean needing help to move furniture etc.

He’s point blank refused to have the work done and just ordered me out of his room! He says I’m wasting my money as he doesn’t want it redecorated. It’s my bloody house and it needs doing! Why should I let a room go to wrack and ruin just because he says so?

I’ve explained that if he was renting somewhere a landlord can come in and do works and that when he owns his own place he can decide if something needs doing or not.

He’s told me not to waste my breath as he’s not listening - I’ve never been so close to slapping him to be honest. I feel like chucking the cheeky, insolent sod out .

He’s upstairs now shouting away playing on the Xbox, tell me if I’m being unreasonable as I’m about to throw the swine out.

@As476 can I ask if your mum's reasons for throwing you out were, in your mind, 'questionable' how can you now have respect for her? I would expect some resentment there, even if it did all work out for the best for you in the end?

I have to say I can't ever imagine doing that to D's,his home is here and it will be for as long as he needs it to be. I've resented my mother since and it's 30 years on.

OP can I ask what your plan is now? Following with my own son in mind. When he talks to DH is he the same? If you were to say that you can see he seems unhappy at home and what could you all do to change that, what would he say?
In my experience what most teens want is to be left alone, but they do eventually come out the other side!

Spoilt brat. Why don’t you say my house my rules and withdraw privileges steadily until his behaviour changes?

Surely he'll realise the point of learning to wash clothes when he runs out of clean ones?

I'd stop doing his washing at all for starters!

He sounds vile. Out he goes, it'll do him the world of good. He's not a baby, he's an adult man who is earning decent money for his age and circumstances and who has his own transport. I moved out at nineteen and never lived with my parents again. I love them dearly and we're the best of friends but never did I expect them to skivvy for me into adulthood like this.

Ours have never been allowed food in their rooms, when they were little it meant spills, as they grew it would have meant mouldy food. So it was banned apart from water. We all ate together in the evening. If I cook a meal I expect some conversation. They bring their washing down if they don`t it does not get done. I do not do ironing. I have at times removed gadgets, phones, wifi privileges when they have not been studying well. You do need your other half to be on your team so you sing from the same hymn sheet.

I would occasionally poke my head round the door and say tidy your room and hoover it. Fair enough they did it.

When I read threads on here where mothers struggle with work, young children while Dad slobs on sofa or surfs the net, I do wonder about their mothers and whether they allowed this.

You owe it to future DIL`s to semi train them. The alternative is your DIL will kick him out and you will lose your grand children.

How can an 18 year old who’s doing an apprenticeship be told ‘out you go’. Seriously, the money is pretty poor, there’s no way he can pay rent (average about £500 a month I imagine), bills etc? If you did ‘chuck him out’ I’m not sure you’d ever have a relationship with him again. 18 year olds can be miserable and rude, as all teenagers can be. I would absolutely sit him down and lay down some pretty firm ground rules of doing all his own laundry, limited WiFi etc but chucking him out is not going to achieve anything but a pretty broken relationship.

@Janus - he earns over £1k a month - he could easily afford to move out. I live on a pension of £750 a month - out of which I pay everything - yes it is tight but it just means you can't have everything you want all the time - you have to make choices. if I had £1k coming in, I'd be failry comfortable.
Rent would not be £500 if he rented a room or house/flat shared - most 18yr olds wouldn't expect to be having a house to themselves - it would always be student type shared accom.
Many 18yr olds leave home and live on alot less than this boy is getting - he has no clue if he thinks paying £50 a month gives him entitlement to anything.

I'm glad you are having a discussion OP - (like you I wouldn't throw him out, but would make him pay his way and share chores and basically look after himself in terms of washing ironing cooking etc.) I'd make it clear there will be zero tolerance of rudeness - why shoudl you have to put up with that behaviour in your home from an adult who could live elsewhere? I suspect he has got into the habit of speaking to people like dirt, and he might actually find he is happier if he gets back to being a civilised pleasant person. he;s too old to be flouncing about, having teenage tantrums and refusing to talk to people when he doesn't get his own way. Would he be happy for the people at his work to see how he behaves at home and how he speaks to his mother ? - I suspect he'd be very very embarrassed if they knew - he knows it is wrong.

@KurriKurri that depends on where you live, there is no way I could afford to live on that amount where I live, even in a shared house.

Yes, true, couldn’t where I live either. But I didn’t realise he was earning £1,000 either so I would definitely ask for more than £50 a month, even £50 a week is generous!
Hope the talk goes well and I would also tell him that the carpet etc is booked so he needs to do as asked, it’s your house even if he pays rent.

@Janus agree with you on that, he should definitely be paying more than £50 and helping around the house.

It doesn't matter if he wants to or not, very few of us enjoy cleaning etc but we still have to do it because we're adults.

@Comeonsun I paid £100 a month a rent when I started work 24 years ago!

You need to give him a firm kick up the arse. Your house, your rules. No need for discussion, that's how it is. If he doesn't like it, he's welcome to move out.

Good luck! I don't envy you in the slightest 😘😘

OP, stop acting like martyr. My DC are less than half his age and do more chores than him. Stop doing his laundry and other stuff. If he is meticulous about his car etc, then he probably is someone who also likes to look his best etc. He’ll soon work out how to use the washing machine or else he will stink and have dirty clothes. Either way, his call. My brother tried to act like a pasha when he was a teenager and one day refused to do light chores when it was his turn. My DM worked and was not about to put up with crap like that, so she stopped his pocket money, tipped his dirty laundry back in his room, as well as stuff he had used and hadn’t washed up, plus the bin bag he had not put out etc. Guess what he stopped acting like an entitled little wanker very sharpish. You may not be able to stop him being an insolent little prick immediately but you sure as hell can stop acting like a doormat and enable him in his hitherto spoilt life!

If he has been raised without doing washing, cleaning etc I think you've left it a bit late to have those expectations now. You've done him no favours, nor his potential partner/wife - he's a man-child in waiting. I would start by turning off the wifi and cutting the plug off of his tv.

Sorry I don’t know how to tag, but my mums reasons were because she expected rent (which she does now agree was wrong as she was still receiving money for me from my dad, and also child benefit as I was still in school). I earnt £100 a week which was enough to get me to school, buy my lunches and pay for driving lessons etc. She also was furious that I wouldn’t babysit on practically all of my nights off so that she could go out with her partner. I still babysat occasionally. She also hated my attitude to my bedroom. It wasn’t disgusting by a long shot, but it wasn’t to her standards. If I’m honest nothing ever would have been. It took me going and not coming back to realise that we were both at fault. I could have tried harder, paid a bit of rent or whatever but we would still have rowed all of the time. I don’t remember the last time I argued with her now I’ve got my own life. I do agree that sometimes the choices are wrong ones, I could have made some awful decisions.

I have my 20 year old student son home for the summer...he buys and cooks his own food (he's vegan)...does his own laundry and will look after the house when i go on my hols in 2 weeks...I have had my fair share of battles with him but he doesnt sound too bad now lol

You need to draw some boundaries Op.

Don't redecorate his room - the house won't fall down. Tell him when the windows are being done, and give him a reasonable amount of notice. Also tell him that his stuff will be in the garden while this happens, unless he moves it.

Don't clean his room. Stop doing his washing and ironing. He will soon learn to do his own if you do.

Don't take him on hols. Put the dog into a nice kennel while you're away, if you really don't think he'll look after it. Have a friend or relative keep an eye on things while you're away.

Set a curfew after which the door will be locked. And do it.

myusernamewastakenbyme mine too! Not vegan but is very self sufficient. I literally do nothing for him (I drive him to supermarket when he wants to go though!) He does lots of bits for me too (he lives at home and commutes to uni as only does 12 hours a week and uni is only 30miles away). I think I’m lucky as he’s never been a hormonal teenager type, he doesn’t even drink alcohol!!

Oh I had all of this with my daughter, ended twice with huge fights and her being thrown out. She actually thought she was subsidising my life by paying £25 a week rent .
Give him one months notice of the increase in rent and double it (still cheap). At the same time tell him the room is being decorated and if he doesn't like any of these options he is free to move out, and stick to it. As for the holiday, definitely the dog goes elsewhere as does he and get the locks changed.

I once complained to a parenting coach that my son treated me like a slave. She pointed out that I was acting like one. You are doing everything for him and I suspect you always have....he might not appreciate what he has got because he has not had to do without.

@hettie You took the words out of my mouth. Mine started helping with little things when they were five. Now at 11 and 13. Can do basic cooking, laundry and dishes and have chores around the house. OP I think you left this a bit late. It will be hard work to get him to change his ways and he will struggle in a house share too with this atitude.

Mine started helping with little things when they were five. Now at 11 and 13. Can do basic cooking, laundry and dishes and have chores around the house. OP I think you left this a bit late

Don't feel too smug,mine could do all that and more and then something happened and he 'forgot' how to do stuff

Sounds like you have over pampered him to be honest.

Stop charging him rent and instead charge him 1/4 of the household bills (including the dog minder).