To want to throw DS 18 out to give him a shock

[Comeonsun]

DS 18 has everything going for him so why is he so rude and nasty? He has a great apprenticeship- still in college for the first year and seems to be enjoying it (is sullen and won’t speak most of the time so I don’t know the real ins and out of it). He earns over 1k a month, drives a beautiful car (he pays for it) but we paid for lessons and first year insurance. He pays us £50 a month ‘rent’. That’s too much apparently- he’s disgusted that as he’s in ‘full time education’ we are taking something towards his food / elec/ gas etc.

He has a double room, huge widescreen telly (Xmas present from us) Xbox etc. Access to fridge, food, all washing done, room cleaned, ironing etc.

He so bloody rude though! Condescending attitude, would rather grunt than talk and is breathtakingly cutting and basically vile. Only ever happy if he’s having something new from us and even then the happiness lasts 5 minutes before he’s back to being a pig.

His room needs a new window and desperately needs decorating and new carpet. I’ve just passed him on the landing and said we plan to give him a few weeks notice of upheaval (we’ll need to empty his room for a few days so it will mean needing help to move furniture etc.

He’s point blank refused to have the work done and just ordered me out of his room! He says I’m wasting my money as he doesn’t want it redecorated. It’s my bloody house and it needs doing! Why should I let a room go to wrack and ruin just because he says so?

I’ve explained that if he was renting somewhere a landlord can come in and do works and that when he owns his own place he can decide if something needs doing or not.

He’s told me not to waste my breath as he’s not listening - I’ve never been so close to slapping him to be honest. I feel like chucking the cheeky, insolent sod out .

He’s upstairs now shouting away playing on the Xbox, tell me if I’m being unreasonable as I’m about to throw the swine out.

I totally agree with all the ‘do nothing’ posts. No washing, ironing or cooking for a while will make him wake up. I think you can programme internet to only be on during the house you are in the house (ring provider and ask about this). I am away next week and my 18 year old is home for the summer. I’ve booked a dog walker as she’s working but feeding etc is all down to her and we have 3 dogs. It’s a small payback for all I do for her and to be honest I did t even think about it. She also does the odd food shop, runs to the shops for me, does the odd school run, completely looks after her room.
I think ‘tough love’ is the way forward here.

Stop doing his laundry/ironing and only make food on occasion. If he was living outside, he’d have to do this anyway and so what if he wants to eat rubbish.? He will soon realise that regularly buying ready meals etc will cost him a huge amount.

@Comeonsun unfortunately, you are enabling his laziness. I’m not surprised your DD is more empathic and mature as girls do mature emotionally more quickly than boys. The teenage brain goes through a huge rewiring making it (temporarily) as narcissistic, stubborn and self-centred as a toddler’s.

Back to basics is what’s needed here. Brisk, firm, matter of fact. If he won’t have a conversation, write down basics and hand them to him. If he grumbles at having paper handed to him, he has the option of having a polite conversation with you or written communication. Up to him.
House Rules which apply to everyone and include speaking with respect, cleaning up after yourself, no unreasonable noise after midnight, whatever.

His £50 is a contribution to living costs and bills, not rent. He doesn’t own the room and you will be having the window replaced on x date. Type up instructions for the dishwasher and washing machine. Stick them up in the kitchen. Your kitchen so you have the right to do that.

I wouldn’t throw him out but I would re-set the boundaries. If he moans that £50 is too much/his friends don’t have to pay etc. again, be brisk and remind him that if he were at Uni, he’d be paying a shitload more than £50 pm for halls (and he still wouldn’t “own” the room). He’d also have to do his own laundry and cleaning AND his living expenses would be coming out of HIS maintenance loan. That’s the reality of being in FT education at 18.

Finally, wrt the holiday, a quick house meeting about his options: Either he gets to stay in the house but has to ensure the house is clean to your standards upon your return (including laundry done) OR he moves out for the duration and fends for himself. Limit his options and don’t tolerate rudeness.

He’s behaving like a toddler so treat him like one - back to basics.

Poor lad. He’s just entering the adult world but doing basically OK and his mother who should offer unconditional love and support wants to throw him out to give him a shock.
I’m afraid your attitude feels really unkind and hostile. No wonder he doesn’t communicate well. He’s frightened his head will be bitten off rather than being listened to and acknowledging his changeling status.

Try being proud that he’s doing OK. Try being delighted he’s enjoying his apprenticeship. Try being pleased his laundry is the only problem.

I agree he should be helpful but he’s not about to do that if all he feels is criticised, is he? Get him cooking on a BBQ when he and you have friends around or when you’re all making pizza together. Take him back to those nurturing times when he felt engaged.
Give him a laundry basket. He can do most of his washing when he wants to. You have to not nag or take over though. He might not wash his jeans as often at you’d like but he’ll survive.

I think that like most of us you both need to work on your communication and negotiation skills because this is why you are in this situation. Teens can definitely drive you to the edge. Counselling either separately or together could help with building these skills if that is an option.

Asking him to leave is a bit of an abdication of parenting imo caused by desperation and the feeling of running out of track. I don't buy into 18 being a cut off point where someone is 100% an adult and I think there is still some parenting left to be done.

I think you need to prioritise helping him to build the skills he needs to live as an independent adult- budgeting, washing, cleaning, cooking, getting on with people he lives with etc.

I would allow him more adult freedom though - ok mend his window but he doesn't need new carpet and paint if he doesn't want them. I have no problem with my 19 year old dd coming home late sometimes as long as she texts me. I get my dd to cook a family meal once or twice a week to help build her skills - this has worked really well for us.

I would tell your son what you hope to achieve - supporting him to adulthood and independence - and what your own needs are. And ask him what his plans are. Is he planning to move out soon or to stay for a few years yet?!!!

It's a tough time but you will get through this and enjoy a better relationship.

He’s your kid. He did not ASK to be born. If his behaviour is so bad I’m guessing he didn’t grow up in the most nurturing, loving environment. Why don’t you try and actually HELP YOUR child first? Take him to councilling?

1. He's not a kid any more.
2. If anything, I'd say he's grown up in TOO loving an environment, to have the most ridiculous sense of entitlement.
3. Help him with what? When did counSELLing ever help someone overcome the horrific life trauma of being a spoilt brat who is having to adjust to the fact that he's going to have to contribute, and assume some responsibilities and capabilities in life as he gets older.
4. At 18 you are more than able to boot him out. A parent is NOT obliged to provide for their revolting offspring until the end of the parents days.
5. If my offspring was being so rude and entitled that I felt I needed to give them notice that it was time for them to leave the nest, if they chose to go no contact as a result, I think that's a cross I'd manage to bear.

ok mend his window but he doesn't need new carpet and paint if he doesn't want them.

Exactly and OP hasn't said he won't let her mend the window, just that he refused to have the room redecorated.

Sorry, a tad cranky today.

I suspect he can be as rude as that because actually he has a VERY cushy life

Atm he isn’t just earning £1k a month, he has £1k a month of DISPOSABLE income. There are manny many people who would love to have that (starting with me and you I suspect too).

On the other side, you seem really uncomfortable with confrontation whilst treating him like a child. At the same time, you want to always be kind, love bombing, not thinking twice about doing his washing etc... AND you are in his back explaining every little thing about how the washing machine is working, does he know how to cook etc...

Just leave him. Leave him be as an adult and let him make mistakes. As many mistakes as possible actually. Because that’s how he is going to learn.
He isn’t going to be thankful of your help (eg doing the washing) because he has no idea of how much time it takes.
He isn’t going to be thankful about you explaining stuff because when he is outside of the house, he is treated as an adult and expected to behave like an adult. What he needs is to be trusted to act like an adult.

So stop talking to him about what he shouod and shouodnt do. Go away on hols and let him be. Let him deal with the dirty clothes and the dirty plates. Just make it clear that the house has to be spotless when you come back (he obviously can do it if his bedroom is tidy and clean). And then TRUST he will do it.
Tell him he is doing his aprentiship, he is an adult (see the car etc..) and that you therefore expect him to be an adult in charge of all his things (clothes in particular. He won’t care about food if he can afford to be buy ready meals everyday).
Expect him to tidy up after himself EVERYWHERE in the house, not just his bedroom. Basically, stop being his maid.
I suspect he will have much more respect for yu if you can show him yu trust and respect him as an adult (that he is).

Does he bring his washing down for you to do? Or do you go and collect it? What about dishes etc.

I would look at his room as his space so no you can't go in and redecorate his space wait until he moves out. You don't need to be going in there at all.

I have a 17 year old dd at college full time with a small part time job and her life is pretty much her own now. She sorts her own washing or it doesn't get done. If she comes down with 1001 dishes spoons etc she must wash them up. Sometimes she eats with us mostly she doesn't.

You must let him grow up lots of his anger could be related to him feeling babied. I would let him stay home whilst you are on holiday. Leave a list of stuff that needs doing text and email it to him so its there if he needs it.
Good luck its not easy letting go

Either charge decent rent or no rent :)

I would have a chat with him and point out that he is choosing to act like a rude lodger that he will be treated like one. Explain that you have considered asking him to leave but as he is your son you wont force him, but you are very tempted and will reconsider if his attitude/manners don't improve.Rent should be increased to £50 per week or £60 if he wants his washing and ironing done. Ask him an hour before you cook a meal if he is eating with you that evening if he is out and doesn't respond do not cook for him. If clothes are left lying around in bathroom or bedroom and he has chosen not pay the extra tenner then just leave them. Do not leave the dog with him, it will be lucky to get one walk in a whole week.

Just chuck him stuff in his room...
No more Washing.
Tell him he can have a shelf in the fridge.
Do not buy any food that is just for him ...
Stop being nice .
Leave the fridge empty when you go...
No tins and juice .
Let him deal with it all.

I really wouldn't worry about decorating his bedroom right now OP. Why go to all that bother to make it nice for someone who doesn't even want it done? Use the money instead to pay for someone to look after that poor dog of yours.
My 18yr old is in full time education and has a casual part time job -asked to work as and when so might earn nothing one week but then perhaps $150 or so the next. I won't charge him rent while he's in education (though sometimes I think a nominal charge might be good for him), but then I don't pay for his phone or driving lessons either. He can be quite sullen,lazy and grunty sometimes- I think that's typical teenage behaviour-but he's not spiteful or anything and he is definitely not mean to our dogs. If he were he would be out of that door so fast!

As a matter of interest, I wonder if the young man realises that being given notice to leave is a possible option? That at this point, he can be shown the door? Just thinking, he is transitioning from being a child that parents are required to provide for, to an adult - fully able to provide for himself. He's enjoying the rights and privileges of this new stage of his life - perhaps he needs the responsibilities and withdrawal of his privileges as a child dependent pointed out to him.

I’m shocked by some of the posts on here. Personally I hope to have a lifelong relationship with my DC.
I’m not going to just push them out of the nest, I’m trying to enable them to make good choices, learn skills and be confident to go on their own.
18 year olds can be very unreasonable, but you need to teach them how to behave properly and communicate better and develop some mutual respect.

I have to say I wouldnt redecorate thé bedroom either.
But not because he is being rude.
But because

• he doesn’t want to have his bedroom decorated. He clearly likes it the way it is
• if you were to decorate his bedroom, then it would be to your taste (because what he wants is for the bedroom to stay like it is...) so unless it’s because the walls have become mouldy, wallpaper is hanging loose form the walls etc..., the change wouod be done for YOUR benefit rather than his.

Basically you are not doing him a favour by decorating that room.

The windows are a different issue but I get he doesn’t have a problem with that?

I got kicked out at 17. I was worse than your son but had severe mental health problems which includes drug use. I ended up in a psych hospital - that's where my parents kicked me out! They came to visit me in the hospital and told me I'd have to live in a hostel when I came out.

It sorted me out in the long term, but the short term? I was sexually exploited in the hostel they put me in and a support worker had to move me from the county somewhere else.

I don't blame them though. They were at the end of their rope and just did not know what they could do to help. I put them through Hell and will spend the rest of my adult life trying to make it right.

I have no advice for you from a parent's perspective, but I'm sorry you are going through this.

Just stop doing things for him charge him more and let him buy al his own food then he'll realise what real life costs

I honestly wouldn’t leave the dog at home with him for 2 weeks , will he even bother to walk it or feed it at the proper times ?
My 18 year old is untidy when he’s home from uni but he’s not rude and is quite helpful and even I wouldn’t let the cats stay while we’re away as I know he’ll sleep through their breakfast time and probably forget their dinner too!

The OP has already said she'll arrange a dog sitter.

My mum threw me out at 18 and it was the best thing she ever did. We are much closer now. Her reasons were questionable, but it thrust me into independence and I needed it. I was working, stayed with a young female relative and then moved into my own rental. I never went back home again. I’m 7 years on now, run my own household with kids and have even more respect for my mum.

@Itscoldouthere

Me too 😖

As476 it can work but equally it can be a disaster and the young adult can make very poor choices which was my case.