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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

suspicious about DH

161 replies

worriedsick77 · 20/05/2019 11:38

NC for this. I've found something on DH's laptop that makes me worry he's been up to no good. I need to talk to him about it. He's a pilot and he's away with work until Friday. I could ring him, he's not flying right now. I don't want to put him off his job though, whether I am right or wrong, I don't want to put him and has passengers/crew in danger when he flies later if he's distracted and worried sick about this (either about me being wrong, or him being caught). Please help me sit on my hands until he comes home. I don't want to discuss what I found, I'm not ready to do that on here. I just need help to calm down until it's the right time to discuss it.

OP posts:
boobirdblue · 20/05/2019 11:40

Write an email and don't send it, having days will allow you to change and add bits.

I hope you're ok Thanks

Shoxfordian · 20/05/2019 11:40

Can you distract yourself from whatever it is with a film or a book or something?

jameswong · 20/05/2019 11:40

You're making the right call. Confront him when he's home and get it all sorted out then. This is big of you and shows real strength. Good luck OP

Original poster
worriedsick77 · 20/05/2019 11:41

I feel sick. I've been such an idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedsick77 · 20/05/2019 11:42

I just don't know how I'll act normal when he rings this evening to talk to our DC.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 20/05/2019 11:43

Tricky one, it’s good of you to consider how he would react, given his job. Could it be something innocent? Sometimes our minds jump to the worst case scenario and then it turns out to be different to what we first thought.

Hope it’s not what you think it is OP.

boobirdblue · 20/05/2019 11:43

You can do it, you really can.

Original poster
worriedsick77 · 20/05/2019 12:08

Oh God, he just rang me and he could tell there was something wrong but I just pretended I was tired.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedsick77 · 20/05/2019 12:08

It was so hard not to say anything, but he takes off in an hour - I can't do that to him no matter what he's done :(

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 20/05/2019 12:10

I like the idea of typing a draft email that you can tweak. Sleeping on things always makes me see things more clearly and smoothly, and it means you'll have recovered from this horrible initial 'shock' you're feeling at the moment.

Whatever it is you've seen/found, have you any support from friends or family? You're going to need it, and you're going to be glad of it over the coming days.

NoSauce · 20/05/2019 12:10

I always think it’s better to speak face to face OP, try and remember that. If it’s nothing you will know by his reaction.

redhotchill · 20/05/2019 12:12

Sounds pretty damning OP. You've done the right thing by waiting though. Good luck

Hidingtonothing · 20/05/2019 12:12

You're doing the right thing OP, not just for him but for the safety of all concerned. You have support here should you need it, both until he's home and afterwards. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug, hope you're ok Flowers

SunshineCake · 20/05/2019 12:15

Take care of yourself too.

Mammatino · 20/05/2019 12:17

When he calls later pretend to be busy with dinner or up to the elbows in washing up. You are doing the right thing waiting to confront him. I really hope you are wrong but at least you can use this time to plan what you want to say so it doesn't descend into a screaming match in front of your DC. Whatever you have seen, you don't know the full story and if the worst is true, we'll it's no reflection on you as a wife either so please don't spend the time blaming yourself.

Ellabella989 · 20/05/2019 12:18

I agree with writing out an email or text on your phone but don’t send it yet. It gives you a chance to get what you want to say in order and you can tweak it if needs be. Once he’s landed and you think it’s a safe time to speak to him then have it out with him

MrsMozartMkII · 20/05/2019 12:23

Definitely the draft email.

When he asks what's wrong on the call then the usual fall back is migraine starting / tummy bug starting / hayfever. Anyone of those should cover your emotions.

fedup21 · 20/05/2019 12:24

What have you found? Is there any chance it’s innocent?

speakout · 20/05/2019 12:27

OP I admire your thoughfulness of others.

You could speak to relate or even the Samaritans- they will provide a listening ear until Friday.

combatbarbie · 20/05/2019 12:27

What is it that you have found? I'm not usually one for "theres a logical explanation" however the fact he's left the laptop and knows something's up is either guilt or genuine concern depending on what type of relationship you have.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/05/2019 12:28

You're being very sensible.

I also think the email is a good idea. Or at least, writing out what's whirring round in your head and what you would say to him. It will give you something to do and allow you to organise your thoughts. By the time you eventually DO speak to him, if you do - you will have a better chance of things coming out the way you want them to as the phrases will be in your head.

Can you avoid speaking tonight? If he already thinks you are tired, can you text and say you've got a terrible headache, real migraine, you'll pass him on to the kids quickly for a chat tonight but you'll pass on chatting?

In the meantime - make sure you have evidence of what you have found safe and copied to your own files, etc. Or a pic of the screen or whatever.

Also you could think about things you might need to do should this situation lead to something more serious. First advice for example on finding evidence of eg being unfaithful is for you to make sure you've got access to all financial info etc before you confront your partner, in case they then make moves to hide things from you. You could also think (hypothetically right now) about that and make sure you are in a position of strength.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/05/2019 12:29

Finally - you say you are not ready to talk about what it is, but you are anonymous here and if what you've found possibly has more than one explanation, folk on here could help.

stucknoue · 20/05/2019 12:35

Another person who thinks a draft letter is a good idea. Do take the evidence you need from the computer (in case it's wiped subsequently) and store on a memory stick elsewhere ideally. If you can have kids (over 2-3) elsewhere when you speak it's better.

notapizzaeater · 20/05/2019 12:36

You could write an email and add to it this week, obv don't know what he's done but can you hunt for more evidence ?

maddening · 20/05/2019 12:37

Take it as time to do whatever digging you need to, to soft through evidence and think about what your response should be-take the time to avoid a knee jerk reaction, you have time to compose yourself and draw your lines in the sand here.