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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

suspicious about DH

161 replies

worriedsick77 · 20/05/2019 11:38

NC for this. I've found something on DH's laptop that makes me worry he's been up to no good. I need to talk to him about it. He's a pilot and he's away with work until Friday. I could ring him, he's not flying right now. I don't want to put him off his job though, whether I am right or wrong, I don't want to put him and has passengers/crew in danger when he flies later if he's distracted and worried sick about this (either about me being wrong, or him being caught). Please help me sit on my hands until he comes home. I don't want to discuss what I found, I'm not ready to do that on here. I just need help to calm down until it's the right time to discuss it.

OP posts:
FoxSquadKitten · 20/05/2019 16:55

Foxsquadkitten.. a choice can still be a mistake. You’re splitting hairs now.. It’s unnecessary.

Erm that wasn't me ☺️

Rosie16 · 20/05/2019 16:59

Yes, realised! You were sticking up for me.. sorry about that.

BrendasUmbrella · 20/05/2019 17:06

Just make sure you ask him to his face. Don't email or phone because you won't see his initial reaction, and you'll give him time to make up an excuse if he needs to. Ask him when he comes home. It could be innocent.

Nicecupofcoco · 20/05/2019 17:06

Hope it's innocent op! Hugs to you. Flowers

JonSnowsFurCoat · 20/05/2019 17:13

Agree with pp that you need to do some digging. It doesn’t look great for your dh. I’m hoping there’s an innocent reason for the pic.

My first thought, after your latest update, is that a colleague who is in a different country is sending him sexy pics of herself. In a ‘wish you were here’ kind of way.

Also, it’s very easy to get a second phone without anyone knowing.

I’d go with writing out an email which you can then add/delete things to and send it on the day you know he’s back.

Good luck op, I really do hope it’s all innocent.

Hefzi · 20/05/2019 17:21

I don't use WhatsApp, but anything on Twitter I look at (as in open the Tweet, rather than scroll past) somehow ends up in my Camera Roll - so if it's there/downloads/Google pictures (which syncs) rather than in a separate file somewhere, I would tend to think it's something innocent (if possibly a little sleazy).

I have a very low opinion of the fidelity of pilots as a profession - though they aren't the worst by a long way - but I don't think there's much in the way of evidence of infidelity here, OP Flowers

swingofthings · 20/05/2019 17:31

Definitely could be WhatsApp. Some men do send eachother some strange things!

GeoffreyEatsPancakes · 20/05/2019 17:38

Dh's photos are shared with me, he has some idiot mates who send him lots of different whatsapp pics, they automatically download to his photos and then get shared with me. So I often see them before Dh does as I get notified I have a shared photo from Dh.

Sometimes they are political, others just holiday photos of the idiots and their families on a day out etc. So I can see how you can get something on your photos that you haven't taken or they may have been sent by someone else, not the woman IYSWIM.

But I wouldn't be happy with that being on there, he possibly doesn't realise it is still on his phone if he was sent it. Dh didn't until I pointed it out.

You will just have to ask him about it. No bag packing or LTB from me because you don't know what has happened.

Iamnotagoddess · 20/05/2019 17:41

My DH is in the Navy (which is rumoured to be full of twats Grin), sorry OP but they never send each other photos of women Sad

FoxSquadKitten · 20/05/2019 17:46

Yes, realised! You were sticking up for me.. sorry about that.
😉

Op, did you see if knicker woman has taken the photo herself??

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 20/05/2019 17:50

Reverse image search would only pull up hits if this photo was online, given the contents I doubt it.
If your DH has social media he may have her as a friend.
There are two schools of thought I guess.

A) gathering as much evidence as you can as cheats often lie, this photo could be easily explained away if the cheater is clever and deceptive enough.
B) wait and confront him as either his reaction will give him away or if you marriage is secure you should t need to play games and should discuss like adults.
Only you can decide the route you choose and the type of relationship you have.

Riverviews · 20/05/2019 17:55

I often find pictures in my camera roll or Cloud storage that I have no idea where they came from. Friends send pictures of their potential dates or whatever and WhatsApp saves them. Later they get automatically archived and I forget to delete them.

So, if you've never suspected infidelity before, I'd be careful. It could be completely innocent

Oohgossip · 20/05/2019 18:28

@Iamnotagoddess oh you’d be surprised..... 😞 the navy is absolutely ridiculous for worse than this

crispysausagerolls · 20/05/2019 18:42

If DH says a friend sent it to him, demand to see the message containing the photo that the friend sent

TooManyPaws · 20/05/2019 18:55

iamnotagoddess while Navy wives were busy protesting against Wrens going to sea, I was busy fending off passes from their husbands on shore bases...

MamaRaisingBoys · 20/05/2019 19:23

I’d be looking at his friends list on his social media to see if I could identify the woman from there. If it’s a colleague there’s a chance she’s on there

Philmitchell · 21/05/2019 07:01

Did you find anything else OP?

JellycatElfie · 21/05/2019 08:12

I’ve had some weird images pop
Up on my camera roll that have come from whatsapp or group messages and even I think what the hells that? Before I realise it’s familiar. I think finding a photo to accusing the op’s dh of having a second phone and an affair with a colleague is a huge leap. Not saying it’s innocent but maybe the op doesn’t need us all suggesting all sorts based on a single photo.

plunkplunkfizz · 21/05/2019 08:26

sorry OP but they never send each other photos of women

Can you really speak for every single sailor? No, so how are you helping the OP? Even if sailors don’t circulate pictures, what does that have to do with the OP’s husband?

Lots of people have said they’ve found similar and it’s been innocent, lots have said they found similar and it wasn’t innocent. You’ll only know OP if you find more material or you discuss it. I think it’s commendable though that you are being so rational and cool-headed.

wombat1a · 21/05/2019 08:27

So it's a photo of a lady in her underwear, taken in a hotel room at a time when he was not in the country. The sheet look as though the bed has been used, therefore it's v likely nothing to do with him but the person taking the photo is the one who has been in bed with the lady and is sending your DH a photo to prove they have 'pulled'. Nothing to worry about in that case then except DH should have deleted the photo.

combatbarbie · 21/05/2019 09:31

Jeez, I'm military and I can tell you they do share pics of conquests!!! It's almost a rite of passage. Theres a reason for the saying in the Navy of a wife in every port.

Regardless of that, I am leaning towards a mates whatsapp chat that has downloaded automatically.

Damntheman · 21/05/2019 10:13

Sharing photos of conquests is so gross.. there's a notch against ever sleeping with a military person I guess. Although I do agree this is the most likely scenario here, grim as it is.

NoSauce · 21/05/2019 10:21

Even if someone had sent this photo would anyone keep it on their computer for their wife to come across?

OP you still haven’t said where it was exactly? How did you find it?

dorisdog · 21/05/2019 10:48

It does seem suspicious, OP. I'm sorry. I'm not sure what advice to offer. Writing down what you will say seems good, without actually sending it, Just so it's not rolling around in your mind.

I don't get why people are saying things like 'it might innocent, maybe one of his mates sent it.' If I found out my partner and his friends went around sharing pics of women, that would be a massive red flag anyway. If my DP received a picture like I'd expect him to delete and dump that mate, pronto - and possibly report it!

boobirdblue · 21/05/2019 11:00

In his defence, I’ve been with my DH 10 years, married for 6. Early in the relationship I had a fling and he forgave me. It was a mistake and I have never been tempted to do it again because I would never want to risk losing my husband for one, but also I’ve been there done that and didn’t like how it made me feel. The guilt the hiding. It was horrible and I hated myself for it. Some people don’t cheat for the joy or excitement, sometimes it’s a mistake and something we really regret.

Gosh it all must've been so awful for you, you must've felt dreadful shagging that other bloke, having dinner with him, drinking with him, having great fun. I hope you've recovered now. It's must've been a dreadful mistake.....

Oh wait that's all about you, how do you think your partner felt? I don't think I've every seen such a self pitying, self centred post as this.

Yeah, I was shagging someone else but I didn't really enjoy it...... I just kept doing in anyway

OP, you need to sit and talk to your OH. If he has had an affair or shagged elsewhere and he comes up with the utter crap above, please don't fall for it. Hopefully he'll have a complete rational explanation.