suspicious about DH

[worriedsick77]

NC for this. I've found something on DH's laptop that makes me worry he's been up to no good. I need to talk to him about it. He's a pilot and he's away with work until Friday. I could ring him, he's not flying right now. I don't want to put him off his job though, whether I am right or wrong, I don't want to put him and has passengers/crew in danger when he flies later if he's distracted and worried sick about this (either about me being wrong, or him being caught). Please help me sit on my hands until he comes home. I don't want to discuss what I found, I'm not ready to do that on here. I just need help to calm down until it's the right time to discuss it.

Emailing him ( if OP sends if ) gives him time to make some excuse for he’s done, the OP needs to see his face to decipher if he’s lying or not. He may possibly know something is wrong as OP was quiet on the phone just now.

Are the email suggestions from people thinking of a way for the OP to get her feelings out of her head, or to send to him? I wouldn't recommend the latter as he could cover his tracks.

Thank you everyone. I've scoured everything and can find nothing else. It's a photo of a woman, taken in a bedroom. I have no idea who she is. The date on the photo ties with him being away. There is absolutely NOTHING else suss. We share an iPad so I can easily access his mail, his facebook etc although I never do. I took a look today and there is nothing out of order on them at all. Do you think a mate could have sent him it or something? Like.. oooh look at this babe I've got in bed tonight.

I suggested the email in the first instance as a draft, to get OP through the days until Friday. Get everything out, be able to change it add but not to send.

I agree forewarned will be forearmed!

Could be a WhatsApp photo as they get added automatically to your camera roll

we've been married 12 years. Once, before we were married he left his phone in a pub by accident and I went to pick it up for him. There was a message from an old girlfriend and it was clear something had happened between them. I forgave him, but I've never forgotten it. That's why he's now so open with his phone, email etc.

If people are open with their phones, it's for one of two reasons: either they have nothing to hide, or because they have another phone hidden somewhere else.

Which do you think this is, in your husband's case?

Can you access his WhatsApp before you speak to him?

Do you know which hotel he was in that night? If you do take a look at some trip advisor photos of the inside of the rooms, you might be able to see if it's the same one

I think it’s quite unlikely that he’d risk you seeing this photo given you have access to his emails and Facebook and share an iPad tbf Op although I’m unsure what this photo could be. Is it a hotel room? What’s she doing in the photo?

You have time to work out a plan for what you want, based on how he reacts.

So if, for the sake of argument, you have found evidence of an affair. What will you do it he

1. Admits it and says he will end it.
2. Admits it but won’t end it / says he doesn’t know what he wants.
3. Admits it but blames you
4. Denies it but offers no proof otherwise and gets angry and blames you / says you are crazy
5. Denies it and offers to prove that he is innocent
6. Admits to some of us but denies other parts
7. Admits it and says he is leaving

Etc etc .

If I were in this theoretical situation I’ve described, I would search for more evidence now. Because I know that the most likely outcome would be 4, and then he would get even better at hiding stuff.

Or 2, because he is stalling for time until he can get his ducks in a row.

I know there is a great MN myth that if you confront him out of the blue, you will know by his face. Which isn’t true if he’s been lying to you to years, he’s had plenty practice.

MN myth is also that he will probably break down and admit it all and fall into your arms. I’ve never actually heard of that happening either.

Cheaters have had months or years to put their plans in place for D day. So I too would have a plan for every option, because I wouldn’t want to be blindsided. I have kids and I can’t afford to let a man fukc me about and mess up their lives.

And I’ve spent too long on MN to think that talking about it will fix it.

That’s what I would do. Just an example of course.

@OhDearGodLookAtThisMess he doesn't have another phone. We have a joint bank account, a joint credit card. I'm the one who budgets the household money so I know every transaction on there.

Can you talk to a friend or even a helpline using a different name? Being able to talk about your feelings will help. Poor thing, so sorry clearly you are a kind person as even now, in the depths of pain, you are considering others. I am sorry this has happened to you.

And no you haven't been the idiot, that award goes to your dh

How do you know he doesn't have another phone? He wouldn't be advertising the fact.

However, still could be completely innocent. I'd keep quiet and look for more first

Burner phone. Bought with cash, topped up with credit bought in newsagent . Would you spot a £15 bill for a newsagent in the airport .

He’d need to charge it somewhere . Car, work, garage ?

@NC100 I don't think I can track down what hotel he was in, it was a good few months back now.

@Nosauce she's lying on (clearly used) bed in her knickers.

That's why he's now so open with his phone, email etc.

That's why he's now so careful with his phone, email etc.

He could easily have another bank account, most people have several.

Doesn’t he have a different credit card for using abroad? Most people who travel frequently do.

@worriedsick77 you seem to have jumped the gun a little hopefully! You still need a calm conversation when he returns.

WhatsApp does add any photos automatically, so it could be anyone that's sent it.
Is she fully dressed?

I just can't believe the man I love could be that underhand. He phones me literally every night when he's away. We message all through the day, chatting about nonsense. The only time he's out of touch is when he's actually flying. I can't see him video-chatting with the kids, ringing me back later to say goodnight then going off with some other woman for a shag. I just can't.

Was it a tourist destination? Tell him a friend has been asking for hotel and restaurant recommendations (in a few days, not straight away or he'll suss).

Ask about a different city first, eg. Sue is thinking of going to either Dubai or X. Can't decide on a hotel though, was the X hotel good? Etc etc

honestly? all this stressing and cloak and dagger stuff, its pointless.

If he knows you have access to and can see whats on his phone/computer, just be straight and ask 'why is there a picture of a half naked woman in some hotel on your computer?'

It does sound very suspicious and he will need to explain it.

But just a thought that popped into my mind. His mate could've sent it to him and WhatsApp could've automatically saved the image to photos. It will do that unless you request otherwise in the settings.

I'd try to wait until he's home if you can, as it's important to see his face and how he reacts.

he doesn't have another phone. We have a joint bank account, a joint credit card. I'm the one who budgets the household money so I know every transaction on there.

Without wanting to add on to your already miserable day, there's every chance he could have a second pay as you go phone. Men with wives and children and lovely, lovely lives do sometimes screw around. They FaceTime their families then skip off thinking "she doesn't suspect a thing" about their lovely wives.

A photo doesn't mean anything on it's own. As part of a bigger picture it could be everything or nothing.

Koala because plenty of us have been there and wish we'd found out the truth before being strung along, fed a pack of lies and ending up emotionally damaged by it all. Not to mention the kids that get caught up in this shit.

Much healthier to be fully armed with the facts and make a clean break than living with that stress and lies for years.

OP - I'm in the do some digging camp. And check his car for another phone while you're at it!